“I’m never invited to parties, no one cares about me”

[Butterontoastandtea]

As the title says those were the words that came from my 8 yr old DS last night, literally broke my heart. Two whole years and not one party invite and only a handful of play dates.
He had such a lovely group of friends through infants and went to loads of parties / play dates, once they moved into yr 3 they mixed the classes and he was separated (2 form entry) from his two best friends and left in a very tricky class. I voiced my concerns at the time but was told “he will be fine”. His friends have of course drifted and become closer to others they knew from outside of school. He joined a football team last year (3 kids from his year group in the same team - 2 in his class). I thought he’d got closer to them but clearly not, they’ve all had parties and not one invite. He has tried with the boys in his class but they’ve just turned out to be horrible to him.
While all this has been going on I have worked at my DS school (not out of choice - I was moved from the feeder school last year) and have seen it all going on and felt helpless. I’ve never mentioned the lack of play dates / parties and thought he hadn’t realised but he clearly has. I think he finally dawned on him yesterday when he heard about a sleepover birthday with a boy he thought he was good friends with.
Makes it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school and I honestly hate it, I’m so out of the loop with parents as I never see anyone and rarely get asked anywhere. I know this has had an impact also on DC friendships but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve done play dates and rarely any reciprocated, he had a party last year and not one invite back. He’s Birthday is coming up next month and he’s so excited and I honestly don’t know what to do for it, he’s unsure who to invite and I’m at the point I begrudge spending money on kids that don’t bother with him.
I’m just heartbroken for him and had a good cry last night once he’d gone to bed. He’s a good kid, kind hearted and always nice to everyone.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of advice much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Why would you post such an unhelpful comment? It’s unkind and unnecessary.

Shes probably talking from experience... i can see why!

Kids can be strange, at that age its sometimes the mums group that dictate who gets invited... especially to sleepovers.
He'll find his group eventually.

What about the girls in his class? My DDs both have lots of close boy friends. I'm glad as they don't have a brother.

Other than that, try cubs/beavers as a way to build friendships?

I'm sorry that sounds so tough, I can understand how upset you must feel.

And put aside your feelings to throw him an epic birthday party!

Are you talking from experience?

That’s an unbelievably mean thing to say. I also don’t think it is true. I think all kids find their tribe in the end. The age your DS is at is tricky. When they are little they just play with whoever and parents control social lives. When they are older, they start organising things for themselves. But at 8, while class parties have dropped off and with COL etc many people are doing small events with just, say, 3-4 friends.

My advice would be to keep inviting the kids he likes for play dates. I work long hours and so many other things seem more urgent than organising play dates, so often it’s only when my DS gets a repeat or even third invitation do I think “oh no, we haven’t invited X to our house!” and then say “it’s our turn to host” and invite the kid over. I would also throw your DS the party he wants with whoever he wants invite (within reason and your budget). Throwing a good party may help solidify those friendships.

Also, while at 8 play dates and parties are drop off, it does still help grease when wheels of their social lives if you invite the parents in for a cup of tea at pick up or drop off for a play date. Once the parents know each other a bit people feel much more comfortable about saying “hey, short notice but would X like To come overt this afternoon”.

I’m guessing you were one of them and it’s obvious why. Stop being such a dick.

OP it’s so hard when kids take a while to find their group. I think it’s time to talk to the school about putting him with a class next year that is more for him. I would also either take him away for his birthday if budget permits or asking his friends from the earlier classes along.

You have to change your thinking on the party. You are doing it for your child, in the hope they have fun.
I'm sorry your boy isn't getting invites. I hope this changes soon.

OP I would speak to the teacher and say your DS came home and said this and it’s got you very worried. I am sure she will put your mind at rest and tell you who he spends time with. Kids have a habit of exaggerating things. My son is 6.5 but he says someone hurts him when they’re just being a bit pushy, he makes out that they’ve cut his leg off. Also the parties do definitely stop in year 2/3/4 a bit.

I would have a word with the teacher about how he's feeling and ask if she can pair him up with a kind child for some activities. And I would continue to invite children of his choice for playdates and make them really fun - take them to do an activity like bowling or climbing and for tea out. Once word gets around that his playdates are really fun, you might find it boosts his popularity! And let him have a sleepover for his birthday - you're doing it for him, not the other children.

Oh bless him! If your DS enjoys the playdates then they’re worth doing. If friends want to come to play after school then they must like him! They might not be reciprocated because the parents work FT and use wrap around, the kids have a lot of mid week activities, parents are juggling multiple kids etc. etc. - in short it might not be anything to do with your DS.

Also, whole class parties do drop off after Y3. It might just be unlucky that he doesn’t make the cut for 2 friends for a sleepover but that means no one cares about him. And it isn’t the end of the year yet- he might still get invites from July/August birthdays. DD is a summer baby and apparently so are all her closest friends so she had zero invites Autumn and Spring term but this month she’s had 6!

And Mum cliques or your job surely don’t come into it? They choose their own friends at that age. I’m friendly not friends with any of DD’s friends’ mums.

Do chat to the teacher though to see how he’s getting on with his peers at school and who he plays with in the playground. Hopefully they can reassure you and provide a steer of who to invite to his birthday party.

Some kids aren’t well liked. Some adults aren’t well liked. Unfortunately that’s life.

Hopefully new kids will join and he will forge a friendship. Or perhaps secondary school will open up new possibilities to him.

There was a child in my son’s class. He just wasn’t well liked. When I probed my son as to why… I’d just get a shrug and a “he is just really annoying” . I remember one example her gave was, “whenever we’re playing football… all he tries to do is run in to the game and grab the ball and run off with it”.

at this young age, it can sometimes be as mild as that sadly

Thank you for all your helpful comments,
I’ve clearly missed something unkind a long the way.

He’s a good kid, not annoying at all and I get nothing but praise from staff on what a lovely, well behaved boy he is. He just clearly isn’t his “friends” favourite and so I guess never chosen.

I’m going to try and be a bit more proactive with the play dates and keep them going as he does enjoy them whether he gets invited or not. I get people are busy, everyone has busy lives but when parents say “oh we’ll have X back for a play date next week” multiple times to me and my DS it is heartbreaking when it doesn’t seem to happen and I have DS asking when he can go for said play date. It’s happened so many times I just shrug it off now.

I’ve spoke multiple times with his teacher about his struggles and concerns and I guess there is only so much they can do. He really has tried with the kids in his class but unfortunately most of the boys are just mean and it’s not just coming from him I often see it myself. Last year he was relentlessly bullied by one kid and I had little to no support, I let the school deal with it however this year I have taken it into my own hands and dealt with situations myself as I was fed up of my DS getting hurt and upset. He’s the sort of kid that never fights back and just takes it so I guess an easy target, but in his eyes he just doesn’t see the point of being unkind to others.
They are thankfully mixing the classes next year so I’m hoping for a much better split (I have had a few chats with his teacher).
He currently plays football and swims but swimming lessons will be stopping in July (small groups anyway) I am going to see about booking him into a few more clubs so he socialise more outside of school.

I’m going to have a chat about his upcoming birthday this weekend so we can come up with a plan. I’d love to throw him a massive party but unfortunately this is not an option.
He can either do something with friends or we’ll have a family day out to make him feel loved and special.

I’ve struggled from day one being at his school the last two years and wish I had never been moved but my concerns and what I wanted did not matter. I am currently on the job hunt but just need to see the summer holidays out for childcare. Maybe being out of the school will help in many ways as I honestly hate being so involved and knowing all the ins and outs. I have found it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school as it has been so intense at times.

I assume you aren’t in the playground mummy mafia WhatsApp group, they rarely invite kids to parties if the parents aren’t in the group. The fact you are a TA at the school won’t help either as they’ll think you are a snitch.

Yep in the WhatsApp group, it’s been very quiet since I started working at the school so I’m sure there are splinter groups.
It does definitely cause a separation working within the school although I have tried and always been an honest parent like any other without jeopardising school protocol.

So sorry OP

maybe just do a treat for him instead of a party

does he have siblings?

I never wanted to work with my children and stated that from day one as I knew it wouldn’t work for me. It’s a long story but the way I was treated and the whole situation dealt with just wasn’t very professional.
I’ve stuck it out purely for convenience and nothing else.

Yes he has two older siblings.

A change of school has been considered.
Yes Dad is around.