“I’m never invited to parties, no one cares about me”

[Butterontoastandtea]

As the title says those were the words that came from my 8 yr old DS last night, literally broke my heart. Two whole years and not one party invite and only a handful of play dates.
He had such a lovely group of friends through infants and went to loads of parties / play dates, once they moved into yr 3 they mixed the classes and he was separated (2 form entry) from his two best friends and left in a very tricky class. I voiced my concerns at the time but was told “he will be fine”. His friends have of course drifted and become closer to others they knew from outside of school. He joined a football team last year (3 kids from his year group in the same team - 2 in his class). I thought he’d got closer to them but clearly not, they’ve all had parties and not one invite. He has tried with the boys in his class but they’ve just turned out to be horrible to him.
While all this has been going on I have worked at my DS school (not out of choice - I was moved from the feeder school last year) and have seen it all going on and felt helpless. I’ve never mentioned the lack of play dates / parties and thought he hadn’t realised but he clearly has. I think he finally dawned on him yesterday when he heard about a sleepover birthday with a boy he thought he was good friends with.
Makes it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school and I honestly hate it, I’m so out of the loop with parents as I never see anyone and rarely get asked anywhere. I know this has had an impact also on DC friendships but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve done play dates and rarely any reciprocated, he had a party last year and not one invite back. He’s Birthday is coming up next month and he’s so excited and I honestly don’t know what to do for it, he’s unsure who to invite and I’m at the point I begrudge spending money on kids that don’t bother with him.
I’m just heartbroken for him and had a good cry last night once he’d gone to bed. He’s a good kid, kind hearted and always nice to everyone.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of advice much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

I’d scrap a party this year and do a nice day trip/weekend away and avoid all this.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Your poor boy. 😢 Things will change as times go on. How about putting a little party together for him/with him and inviting some kiddies from the area/from his class.

Apologies if someone has suggested this, I have committed a cardinal Mumsnet sin and not read any of the thread! 😬

Try and get him taking part in something like cubs/scouts (whatever one he falls into at age 8).

Football is OK but it's hard to form friendships when 90% of the time they're playing football and not having a chance to talk.

At cubs/scouts they will be doing activities together as a group. It gives him a better chance to make some friends.

LOL I just noticed it's only one page long (26 posts before me!) Lazy cow I am, sorry @Butterontoastandtea 😘

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I'd agree with having the party for him anyway - parents like to have a break, so chances are all / most will come. And get him involved in groups outside school. Different classes can have very different vibes.

One of mine was never popular at primary - diagnosed ADHD and some probable autistic traits (not saying your DS is, just the explanation in their case) We always held parties for them. Invites back dropped off as parties got smaller in the juniors, though as there were very few of their gender in the class, the nicer parents invited them anyway.

He’s currently year 4, turning 9 next month.

I don’t think you working at the school should matter. In my daughter’s year group there is the son of a TA and the daughter of the deputy head. The TA is in the WhatsApp group, the deputy head chooses not to be. I have seen both children invited to plenty of parties.

It’s hard OP. I was a teacher for many years and friendship struggles were one of the hardest issues for me as I never knew what to suggest. When a child is nice, kind, no trouble but just hasn’t made any friends, it’s heartbreaking. One girl I remember was very popular when she was tiny but as she got a bit older she just seemed a bit too good and perfect, the other kids seemed to want to be best friends with someone a bit cheeky and funny not just relentlessly lovely. Everyone liked her well enough but she didn’t have besties.

Just wanted to write and say I understand where you're coming from; I worked in the same school when my daughter was in primary school.

There were a couple of issues I know I would have handled differently if I didn't work there. Its hard to take a step back when you can see for yourself what's happening and have to rely on colleagues to deal with it for you so you don't overstep.

When your children hurt, you hurt. There are countless times she's cried over something or other someone has said or done and I've felt that pain deeply for her. You just want to be able to fix it for them.

Not being on the playground at the start of the day and at home time, amongst the other mom's, and not being part of the clique where these friendships often form, doesn't help either.

I don't know what the answer is, but just wanted to say I get it.

Maybe just talk to your son, play it down a bit and blame life getting in the way, parents get busy and often forget to organise playdates and such. Like others have suggested, activities outside of school are good things to get involved in. I haven't read every bit of the thread but are there any parents that you could befriend to get your children together?

Yes I am struggling at that school as I never wanted to work with my kids and know all the ins and outs, I’d rather be oblivious like all other parents.
Yes I have made friends with colleagues, only last weekend I was at one of their weddings.
I get on well with majority of staff and many (TA’s mostly and some teachers) have been very supportive when I’ve really struggled.
The lack of support from above and the behaviour within in the school are shocking and nothing ever seems to be done.

Thank you for being so understanding, it’s a complete different view when you’re in it and it clearly doesn’t work for everyone.
I’ve really played it down and not made a big thing of it, and he’s not really mentioned it again today. Maybe he feels a bit better letting it all out last night?
There’s a couple of Mum’s I meet up with but mostly during holidays so will definitely keep that going.
He plays football and joined a team last year and football is a huge social thing where we leave so I was hoping that would help but doesn’t seem to be outside of the club. He loves going and it is a good bunch of families and we do socialise after games / training at the local pub which is good.
Thanks again ☺️