Should I ininvite a child from my son's birthday party?

[Roxymumoftwokids]

Hi, I need a bit of advice please. My little boy's birthday is soon, he's in junior school. We invited around 15 kids to a local centre, the party costs £27 per child. I spoke to one of child's mum before we booked a place and mentioned that we are considering a party and once the place was booked, I felt compelled and invited her son. The problem is her child came to our place for a playdate lots of times, but they never invited my son to theirs. My son is crying now, saying that he is not a friend with that boy anymore and very upset that I invited him. They already replied confirming that he will attend the party. My son is crying saying it's his birthday party and he doesn't want that boy to attend. I don't know what to do. Should I uninvite the kid or leave things as they are?

Just to say I agree with this.

I don't think playdates not being reciprocates indicates much. We used to live in a very small house that we struggled to keep tidy, we didn't invite people round. I have a friend who never invites people round.. so what!

Unless the boy has physically hurt your son or has been bullying him then the boy comes and you tell your son to be a gracious host.

The parents not inviting your son back to his isn't the boys fault there are lots of reasons for this.

• Decorating and lots of hazards around
• Parents working at home
• Embarrassed by their house
• Autistic sibling who struggles with strangers in the home
• Domestic violence
• or a myriad of other reasons.

It doesn't mean the boy values the friendship any less because they don't reciprocate playdates.

If you uninvite this child there is likely no chance that they ever become friendly again. And, in fact, a little fall-out could become a big one.

Uninviting a child is controversial. Little Jimmy will tell other kids he was going but then he got uninvited. Little Jimmy's mum will tell other parents. That may not matter to you if the issue behind this is serious bullying but it's worth considering. You could make a small thing into a big thing here.

You say you have invited 15 kids. Your child could probably just not really engage with little Jimmy. And you can keep a really close eye on this kid and make sure he's behaving kindly. It might be better for your son in the long run

I'd find out more from my son if I was in this situation.

Arguing over who's got the best marbles- invite him.

If he's been punching son son in the stomach and shoving his head in the loo then yes, bloody uninvite him.

why your son has had such a strong reaction is key here. It simply is not (or at least should not be!) the case that you should never uninvite someone from something no matter what they've done.

I had almost exactly the same situation with my son last month.

I sat him down and explained that it will be very rude to uninvite someone and would cause more problems with them than it would fix. I asked my son what the issue was and what he was worried about happening on the day (it was a bit of teasing and name calling). I talked to him about what to do if any of it did, and focusing on the friends he did want to play with there. We ended up having a big conversation about how humans sometimes need to work hard to get on with each other in places where they have to spend time together, like workplaces and schools.

It was all fine on the day.

Sorry to clarify, I did say you can't uninvite him but I think this point of view better explains what I intended to say.

Why are we people pleasing? Nothing to do with being unkind. It’s your sons birthday, he doesn’t want him there, end of.
Drop the mum a message telling her the truth and leave it be.

Sounds like you are friends with the Mum, the children not so much. Too late now. Ridiculous and cruel to even consider it. Detail someone to keep their eye on him incase of bad behaviour eg if you have a friend or relative helping assign them to do this.

I think it would be very difficult to withdraw the invitation to the other child, but why did you invite a child without checking with your son first? Birthday parties can be a huge thing for young children and I can understand that your son would be really upset thst you decided to invite a child who he is fallen out with.

Whys he crying about it, is he being bullied by this other boy?

Well he use to like him since he had so many playdates. I would say I thought you were friends because you wanted him for playdates. Now I know, we don't have to ask him for playdates anymore. Then I would just keep an eye on him at the party and and reassure him around whatever it is he doesn't like about him and make sure they don't sit together to eat. Focus on all the good bits about the party. It's a life lesson for both of you and it will be fine. Uninviting is a horrible thing to do and will be more harmful in the long run to your son. It's a simple mistake to make but next time you will double check before asking and you know that you never talk about your kids party to children and their parents who aren't invited

Well he use to like him since he had so many playdates. I would say I thought you were friends because you wanted him for playdates.

Who initiated the playdates? Was ds asking to have this boy over, or was it arranged between the mums? And if he did ask in the past, how long ago did he stop asking?

Junior school age children really should be able to choose their own guests. Otherwise the message is that other children's feelings are more important than theirs, even at their own party.

I would take this opportunity to teach your child kindness. I would never uninvite a child or an adult for that matter. The hurt you’ll cause the child by uninvinting them is a lot worse than your child having them at his birthday. He’ll have lots of other friends to play with.

you need to find out why your son is so upset at the boy being there.
are they just not friends any more or is the kid actively mean to him?
if it’s the former I’d explain about how they used to be friends and it’s a kind thing to do to have him there but he doesn’t have to just play with him.
if it’s the former I’d uninvite him, my kids happiness in that situation is more important (and if the kids bullying him tough shit he deserves to be uninvited)

It’s not “people pleasing” it’s common decency and taking other people’s feelings into account. an invite has already been sent how insulting to get a message saying your child is uninvited because my child doesn’t want them there. End of indeed.

I would not allow my child to un-invite another child from a party unless there was a good reason.

it’s common decency and taking other people’s feelings into account.

But not taking the birthday child's feelings ito account?

I would not allow my child to un-invite another child from a party unless there was a good reason.

But the child didn't invite him.

My mother would invite children to our parties if she felt they would be hurt if left out. Taught me to think about other children's feelings. Explain to your child that it would be unkind to that child to stop him coming and it is a good time to try and be friends again.

I remember being uninvited from a party when I was younger as the child had fallen out with some friends and then made up with them. So I was uninvited to make room for them. It was upsetting but what would be more upsetting would for my child to think that another kids feelings were more important than theirs.

I know whom I would choose to upset and it wouldn't be my child. They may remember this when they are older. We have to advocate for our children. Who's feelings are more valid the other child's or your own sons? Xx

It’s literally the definition of people pleasing. Doing something for someone else despite how you feel. Listen, you do you, but I wouldn’t be putting anyone else’s feelings before my child’s. That’s good enough reason for me.

Seriously?? It’s not the other child’s fault that his parents are selfish and don’t return invites.

I’m finding it really hard to understand why you are unable (or unwilling) to school your child in kindness towards others. He’s 5 - you model correct behaviour to him. Unless you want him to grow up with zero empathy towards others.

So what you’re suggesting is to teach your child that the whole world revolves around them? And who cares about anyone else’s feelings?

Is your son saying this boy is not his friend because he hasn’t invited him back for play dates? Or is that a separate issue ? I suspect it’s a separate (adult issue) - if he thinks he is not his friend as he hasn’t invited him back you need to explain not everyone does play dates - everyone’s circumstances are different. It is not fair to expect others to run their time the same way as you. If it’s a case of this boy inviting others but not your son then back off the play dates.

i assume you asked the boy to the party when they WERE friends. You need to explain that invites are done and it is not possible to uninvite and he should focus on his other friends attending.

if you want to give the mum a hint to perhaps decline the invite you could message and say that your son says that they have fallen out and is very upset about it, does she have any idea what has happened? However DO NOT disinvite or blame the other child or mum for the fall out. Neutral fact gathering. However it might just alert the mum to politely decline if her son confirms that yes they have fallen out big time. But like most have said, they’ll hopefully be friends again next week.

Not at all. In this case, I’d be teaching them that if they do not want someone at their birthday party, they do not have to have them there. Simple really.

But they have already been invited! Uninviting someone is the height of bad manners. So you suck it up. Yes, even if it’s your birthday.

One important life lesson for children is to honour your commitments. That includes when it’s your birthday.

also, these kids are 5. He will have changed his mind again before the party.

Well I do sometimes put other peoples feelings above my child’s like for example if my child is in the wrong in a situation. I don’t see my child or myself as being above other people. If my child was being bullied I would certainly uninvite. I wouldn’t let them uninvite another child on a whim and text the parent leading to great upset and offence. There isn’t enough information here to say.