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Original poster

Birthday party etiquette

46 replies

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 19:58

My oldest is turning 6 next month and we are having a birthday party for him in a local leisure centre. There are 14 boys in his class and out of the 14 there are 4 boys he doesnt get along with and says he does not want at his party 🙈
Would you go by his wishes and not invite those 4 boys or just invite them as the other 10 boys will be invited?

Im comfused as to what to do for the best!!

OP posts:
Original poster
elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:50

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:45

It's not kind hearted to exclude four other children is it?

If it was you wouldn't have a dilemma.

I don't think it really counts as 'parenting advice' to say talk to your child about being kind and inclusive, surely we are all doing that anyway?!

Just today been at a superhero party (for a boy turning five) all the girls in the class were invited too. And they all coped! No 'girls don't like superheroes' nonsense here, thankfully.

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Just don’t think its your place to judge how kind my child is based on a 2 minute post you have read here.
Pretty sure I didnt say girls cant like superheroes or don’t like them but sure.
He has cousins,friends outside of school so I was never going to be able to invite the whole class anyway.
thanks for your input

OP posts:
FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:51

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:45

It's not kind hearted to exclude four other children is it?

If it was you wouldn't have a dilemma.

I don't think it really counts as 'parenting advice' to say talk to your child about being kind and inclusive, surely we are all doing that anyway?!

Just today been at a superhero party (for a boy turning five) all the girls in the class were invited too. And they all coped! No 'girls don't like superheroes' nonsense here, thankfully.

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If you’re paying I’m sure @elmo89 will invite the whole class of 30.. 10-14 for a party is expensive enough as it is without paying for children that the person whose party it is doesn’t want there. Doesn’t make him a bad child.

themimi · 22/01/2023 20:52

I think all boys need to be invited. I would never exclude 4 boys. This kind of thing could really scar a child (as they all talk about the party and the minority of boys would know they hadn't made the cut. )

Noonesperfect · 22/01/2023 20:54

Both my children enjoyed smaller more personal parties than huge ones, and if it's their birthday surely if they only want a few children that's fair enough.

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:54

FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:51

If you’re paying I’m sure @elmo89 will invite the whole class of 30.. 10-14 for a party is expensive enough as it is without paying for children that the person whose party it is doesn’t want there. Doesn’t make him a bad child.

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You think he doesn't want to invite the four boys or any of the girls because he's worried about the cost?

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:58

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:50

Just don’t think its your place to judge how kind my child is based on a 2 minute post you have read here.
Pretty sure I didnt say girls cant like superheroes or don’t like them but sure.
He has cousins,friends outside of school so I was never going to be able to invite the whole class anyway.
thanks for your input

Show quote history

I'm not judging how kind he is. All small children need to be encouraged to think about other people from time to time. This specific event has raised an issue, which is why you've posted, so it's a good time to talk to him about how these other four boys will feel and about general kindness and inclusivity. Unless of course these boys are actively unkind to him/bullies in which case it's a different conversation.

FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:58

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:54

You think he doesn't want to invite the four boys or any of the girls because he's worried about the cost?

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No, because he’s 5 and he’s not psychoanalysed the question his mother asked which was ‘who do you want to come to your party?’

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 21:02

FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:58

No, because he’s 5 and he’s not psychoanalysed the question his mother asked which was ‘who do you want to come to your party?’

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Exactly!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/01/2023 21:11

I would invite everyone-as in all the boys- your son is only 6, if he was 10 friendships would be more solidified. They could be besties next year.

slightlydomesticated · 22/01/2023 21:53

I would only invite the children he has asked to invite. My dd is in a class with 10 other girls and 20 boys, she is inviting 9 of those girls to her party. She does not get on at all with 2 of them, and when they have been to her parties (we've had 2 whole class parties for her) those girls have been rude, mean and upset her both times. I wouldn't force her to have them at her party just because someone would think it's unfair, it's her party and we want her to enjoy it with her actual friends.

And both girls have had parties that only my dd and 1 other girl weren't invited to, but it didn't bother them in the slightest! My dd has also invited a few of the boys as her best friend is a boy, and she does play and get along with those she's invited.

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 22/01/2023 22:28

The basic rule is less than half the class or everyone

Eh? This is not a 'rule'. You just made it up!

I mean if you want to make that a thing for your children, fine, but don't pretend it's in Debretts for Kids

NuffSaidSam · 23/01/2023 12:37

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 22/01/2023 22:28

The basic rule is less than half the class or everyone

Eh? This is not a 'rule'. You just made it up!

I mean if you want to make that a thing for your children, fine, but don't pretend it's in Debretts for Kids

Of course it's not an actual rule. Good grief.

It's the rough guideline people use to determine whether it's 'fair' to leave children out.

I will always make it clear when referring to Debretts for kids by clearly citing my sources. Apologies for the mix-up and my careless use of the word 'rule' on an internet forum.

ChicoryDip · 23/01/2023 13:48

I think it's a bit mean to exclude 4x boys from 14 in the class. At age 5 or 6 friendships are often very transient and parties are talked about in class.

Unless there is a specific reason why your DC doesn't like them (bullying for example) I would invite all of the boys. It may be that if they don't like your DC they choose not to come anyway.

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 23/01/2023 14:49

*Of course it's not an actual rule. Good grief.

It's the rough guideline people use to determine whether it's 'fair' to leave children out*

No, it's not that either. It's just what you personally think is the right thing to do. That's it. You're presenting it as some sort of widespread social consensus, and it's not.

MN is full of these 'rules'. It always seems to boil down to "this is what I think and (as I'm so right about everything!) what I think must now be the norm."

Or to put it another way: the basic rule of MN is to pretend that your rules are everyone's rules Grin

FineHairHatesDamp · 23/01/2023 15:37

It's the rough guideline people use to determine whether it's 'fair' to leave children out.

What makes any of this unfair? I’ve always said that the problem with being a parent is other parents and this type of guideline is the sort of thing I’m referring to. The child presumably was asked who he would like to invite and he has picked 10 boys. As far as we’re aware there’s no problem with bullying regarding the other four just that he doesn’t like them so much. He doesn’t want any of the girls, it’s fine, there’s not an equality and diversity form to complete. If your child comes home crying or just grumpy saying that they weren’t invited to a party then you don’t reply ‘well that’s not fair’ you just explain that their parent probably asked them to pick X amount of friends. If you want to invite the whole class, fabulous but in certain circumstances, if there was one child bullying your child it would be acceptable not to invite them even if they are the only one without an invitation.

Birthday party etiquette
NuffSaidSam · 23/01/2023 18:41

LaBaDeeLaBaDa · 23/01/2023 14:49

*Of course it's not an actual rule. Good grief.

It's the rough guideline people use to determine whether it's 'fair' to leave children out*

No, it's not that either. It's just what you personally think is the right thing to do. That's it. You're presenting it as some sort of widespread social consensus, and it's not.

MN is full of these 'rules'. It always seems to boil down to "this is what I think and (as I'm so right about everything!) what I think must now be the norm."

Or to put it another way: the basic rule of MN is to pretend that your rules are everyone's rules Grin

It's a widespread social consensus here! I can only comment on my own experience. That's what's used here/amongst the people I know, you've obviously not come across it before. It doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong. The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. That's it.

NuffSaidSam · 23/01/2023 18:53

FineHairHatesDamp · 23/01/2023 15:37

It's the rough guideline people use to determine whether it's 'fair' to leave children out.

What makes any of this unfair? I’ve always said that the problem with being a parent is other parents and this type of guideline is the sort of thing I’m referring to. The child presumably was asked who he would like to invite and he has picked 10 boys. As far as we’re aware there’s no problem with bullying regarding the other four just that he doesn’t like them so much. He doesn’t want any of the girls, it’s fine, there’s not an equality and diversity form to complete. If your child comes home crying or just grumpy saying that they weren’t invited to a party then you don’t reply ‘well that’s not fair’ you just explain that their parent probably asked them to pick X amount of friends. If you want to invite the whole class, fabulous but in certain circumstances, if there was one child bullying your child it would be acceptable not to invite them even if they are the only one without an invitation.

Of course it's fine to invite a small group and of course it's fine to leave out a bully, but I disagree that it's fine to invite 28 out of 30 children, for example.

It's not kind to do that. It's good to be kind. It's good to teach your children to be kind. There's no need to exclude and socially isolate small children. I struggle to understand why that's a problem tbh!

This is why these broad guidelines have sprung up in some circles, to be nice.

Roxie99 · 23/01/2023 19:07

At that age I would have just invited the extra 4 but it really depends on your child what's their reason for not inviting? What was sad was my year 2 child is actually friends with a child but he wasn't invited because the mother doesn't like me(but tries to talk to me every day like she's my friend bizarre) lol I'm still going to invite him to my child's birthday though I think (he is quite disruptive himself and a bit of pain but I can't stop them being friends ) Don't know why but don't think it's fair on the child to be left out. And again yes cost for 4 extra people makes a difference too!

FineHairHatesDamp · 23/01/2023 19:17

NuffSaidSam · 23/01/2023 18:53

Of course it's fine to invite a small group and of course it's fine to leave out a bully, but I disagree that it's fine to invite 28 out of 30 children, for example.

It's not kind to do that. It's good to be kind. It's good to teach your children to be kind. There's no need to exclude and socially isolate small children. I struggle to understand why that's a problem tbh!

This is why these broad guidelines have sprung up in some circles, to be nice.

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I’m not saying to exclude one random child that might be someone your child doesn’t play with. If there’s a bully that makes my child miserable I wouldn’t want them at the party even if they were the only one excluded. You might be nice and be happy to invite someone your child is scared of but I couldn’t do it.

NuffSaidSam · 23/01/2023 19:18

FineHairHatesDamp · 23/01/2023 19:17

I’m not saying to exclude one random child that might be someone your child doesn’t play with. If there’s a bully that makes my child miserable I wouldn’t want them at the party even if they were the only one excluded. You might be nice and be happy to invite someone your child is scared of but I couldn’t do it.

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I totally agree with you on the bully front, as I've clearly said in the post you quoted.

MrsMiddleMother · 27/01/2023 22:21

Some of the replies are so weird. Asking if the kids he doesn't get on with have sen or why he doesn't want girls there like wtf.
OP I think it's perfectly fine to only invite his 10 BOY friends x

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