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Parties/celebrations

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Original poster

Birthday party etiquette

46 replies

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 19:58

My oldest is turning 6 next month and we are having a birthday party for him in a local leisure centre. There are 14 boys in his class and out of the 14 there are 4 boys he doesnt get along with and says he does not want at his party 🙈
Would you go by his wishes and not invite those 4 boys or just invite them as the other 10 boys will be invited?

Im comfused as to what to do for the best!!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:02

Are there girls in the class? Or is it just boys?

The basic rule is less than half the class or everyone.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/01/2023 20:05

Excluding four seems ok as it’s almost a third of the class (more if there are girls in the class) so I would just invite the 10 he gets on with. Plenty of party venues are for limited numbers, so having 10-12 total guests is fairly normal in my experience.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:10

How many are his friends? Are any girls invited? If it was close to half the boys I'd consider it perfectly fine, but it's borderline towards excluding just a few.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:15

Also, do any of the four have SEN?

TheSnowyOwl · 22/01/2023 20:18

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:15

Also, do any of the four have SEN?

Why does that make any difference in terms of a party invite? My DD wouldn’t want to be invited out of pity because she is autistic and children with SEN are perfectly capable of having friendships and also not getting on with other children.

FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:19

Invite who he wants and if it’s questioned blame numbers. Why invite children he doesn’t like.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/01/2023 20:19

Ime those 4 wil prob be his besties the week of the party and another 4 less so.
Invite all and I bet not even 10 turn up.

TotallyAverage · 22/01/2023 20:20

We invited everyone, I told 6yo DS it wasn't fair just to exclude a few people. If it's a small group - 6 or fewer I'd say - it's fine just or have individual invitations.

Is he only inviting the boys? Or is it a single sex school? At 5-6 years old I'd find it really weird to exclude half the class because of their sex.

AmyandPhilipfan · 22/01/2023 20:21

Doesn't get on with in what way? If they're regularly beating him up then I can understand excluding them but if he just doesn't particularly play with them I can't see the harm in asking them too.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/01/2023 20:23

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/01/2023 20:19

Ime those 4 wil prob be his besties the week of the party and another 4 less so.
Invite all and I bet not even 10 turn up.

Nah sods law when you hope not everyone turns up, everyone turns up.

FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:25

Put another way, would you invite people you don’t want at your own party? Or if it was a girls night out have someone bring their husband. He wants 10 boys, end of story.

Lenald · 22/01/2023 20:27

When my son was that age he told me he didn’t want a couple boys at his party because he didn’t like them any more. He was playing with them a couple days later, it was horrible to know they were left out

I would just invite them, it seems really unfair to exclude 4 imo.

Original poster
elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:28

TotallyAverage · 22/01/2023 20:20

We invited everyone, I told 6yo DS it wasn't fair just to exclude a few people. If it's a small group - 6 or fewer I'd say - it's fine just or have individual invitations.

Is he only inviting the boys? Or is it a single sex school? At 5-6 years old I'd find it really weird to exclude half the class because of their sex.

No it is a mixed class of boys and girls but he doesnt play with any of the girls and said he just wanted to invite some of the boys. I wouldn’t say he is being weird he is a 5 year old boy who prefers to play with boys than the girls in class. Don’t think he is in the wrong for doing so

OP posts:
Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:30

TheSnowyOwl · 22/01/2023 20:18

Why does that make any difference in terms of a party invite? My DD wouldn’t want to be invited out of pity because she is autistic and children with SEN are perfectly capable of having friendships and also not getting on with other children.

Show quote history

It's not about pity invites. Sometimes children initially don't include other children who are a bit different but become friends once they have had more opportunity to get to know them. It's important to know the why behind why they don't get along if you are thinking of excluding just a few.

Original poster
elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:30

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:15

Also, do any of the four have SEN?

I don’t think so well not that I know of. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 22/01/2023 20:31

It sounds like the total class is 30, half are boys, and he wants to invite 10 out of the 14 other boys in class? Sounds fine to me.

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:33

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:28

No it is a mixed class of boys and girls but he doesnt play with any of the girls and said he just wanted to invite some of the boys. I wouldn’t say he is being weird he is a 5 year old boy who prefers to play with boys than the girls in class. Don’t think he is in the wrong for doing so

Show quote history

So 10 out of 30 does meet the rule of less than half or everyone.

I think it's a bit sad at 5 that he's so anti the girls though! And so keen to exclude these four boys. Unless they're actively unpleasant to him, I'd maybe talk to him about being kind/generous/inclusive.

HotPenguin · 22/01/2023 20:33

Put another way, would you invite people you don’t want at your own party?

Yes! In the adult world you have to do this all the time. You can't not invite one friend's partner because you don't like them, and if you go out after work you can't leave one person out.

2anddonefornow · 22/01/2023 20:34

Just invite the ones he wants. That’s still a good number for a party.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 20:40

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:30

I don’t think so well not that I know of. Why do you ask?

Show quote history

I think the reason why he wants to exclude just four is important. Some children struggle to join in or make friends and I would encourage a child to include these children.

Original poster
elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:41

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:33

So 10 out of 30 does meet the rule of less than half or everyone.

I think it's a bit sad at 5 that he's so anti the girls though! And so keen to exclude these four boys. Unless they're actively unpleasant to him, I'd maybe talk to him about being kind/generous/inclusive.

Show quote history

He is not anti girls, he has girl cousins who he plays with all the time and is very fond of. He is just very much a typical wee boy who loves wrestling, playing superheroes and so forth and maybe the girls in class aren’t particularly into the games he and his friends are playing.
And as for speaking to my son about being kind/inclusive and generous you have over stepped the mark as you have no idea what sort of child he is. He is actually very kind hearted and is very well liked within his class. If i wanted parenting tips on how to bring up my child I would have asked for just that.
I asked a simple question about party invites.

OP posts:
FineHairHatesDamp · 22/01/2023 20:43

HotPenguin · 22/01/2023 20:33

Put another way, would you invite people you don’t want at your own party?

Yes! In the adult world you have to do this all the time. You can't not invite one friend's partner because you don't like them, and if you go out after work you can't leave one person out.

If I really didn’t like a friend’s partner they wouldn’t be invited. Someone you don’t necessarily have things in common with would be different. Work, different beast altogether, if someone I didn’t like was going I wouldn’t go myself.
Does the OPs child not get a say? He’s specifically asked for the 4 not to be invited. What if they ruin it for him?

NuffSaidSam · 22/01/2023 20:45

elmo89 · 22/01/2023 20:41

He is not anti girls, he has girl cousins who he plays with all the time and is very fond of. He is just very much a typical wee boy who loves wrestling, playing superheroes and so forth and maybe the girls in class aren’t particularly into the games he and his friends are playing.
And as for speaking to my son about being kind/inclusive and generous you have over stepped the mark as you have no idea what sort of child he is. He is actually very kind hearted and is very well liked within his class. If i wanted parenting tips on how to bring up my child I would have asked for just that.
I asked a simple question about party invites.

Show quote history

It's not kind hearted to exclude four other children is it?

If it was you wouldn't have a dilemma.

I don't think it really counts as 'parenting advice' to say talk to your child about being kind and inclusive, surely we are all doing that anyway?!

Just today been at a superhero party (for a boy turning five) all the girls in the class were invited too. And they all coped! No 'girls don't like superheroes' nonsense here, thankfully.

evemillbank · 22/01/2023 20:48

@HotPenguin why on each are you inviting people you didn't like? ! I never invite someone I don't like and I wouldn't expect my children to either. I want them to be able to have boundaries and for those boundaries to be respected.

Noonesperfect · 22/01/2023 20:49

I think you're over thinking it tbh. If he just wants ten particular boys then let him invite them. My son always wanted just boys to his party once he was about six, and he is also not anti-girls and couldn't be more kind-hearted. If sometimes a child invited my child to their party I would generally encourage my child to reciprocate an invite, but other than that I'd let him/her choose.