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Parties/celebrations

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Original poster

8 year old wanting to be christened

41 replies

pancakes222 · 14/01/2023 07:46

Hello. My DH and I are not big believers and do not go to church but our daughter goes to a c of E school and she has asked us if she can be christened. We are completely for supporting whatever wishes she would like but not 100% sure what the usual format is for older children wanting to get christened. In my head I'm imagining it a bit like a birthday party? Would you invite her school friends to the church and then have like a birthday party games disco format for them at home or in a hall? If it was a baby I wouldn't hesitate with just a piece of cake after but as it's older children I don't know if I would need it to be a bit more 'fun' party like?

OP posts:
Original poster
pancakes222 · 14/01/2023 07:52

Also I know this maybe sounds a bit unimportant but what happens with girls hair? At what age does it change from wetting the forehead to dunking in water because I know she will then get upset if she has to go to her celebration with wet dripping hair!

OP posts:
Woeman · 14/01/2023 07:52

It's not a party!???

Enko · 14/01/2023 07:56

Contact the vicar and speak with them about the ceremony.

You could invite the school friends yes. In my experience christening are more about those close to you - family and friends. Your ideas sounds lovely though and would draw her friends into the celebrations.

Consider whim you and dd would like as her godparents

To me a christening is a celebration so a gathering/party after is appropriate.

MithrilCostsMore · 14/01/2023 07:58

It's not a party. You don't invite friends. It's a part of a church service as normal.

Woeman · 14/01/2023 07:59

I'd be more concerned about letting an 8 year old sign herself up to a religion than about her hair being wet.

Enko · 14/01/2023 08:01

We invited friends to our children's (babies) christenings. As it IS a celebration.

We also later had a party for ds when he chose to get comfirmed. And a party for dd2 when she chose to get baptised. The latter was at her church after and was all of her fellow church goers and her close friends (and us family)

Both events were a celebration of them giving themselves up for christening/baptism/confirmation.

LucyMcAndrew · 14/01/2023 08:01

I think the nearest equivalent would be a confirmation- the confirmation celebrations I’ve been to have generally been mainly family at the church plus perhaps 2 or 3 close friends, then a nice lunch back at home eg a buffet. More like a family event than a children’s party if you see what I mean. You can do whatever you want though! Does your DD have any ideas?

I’d check with the vicar about how he or she does baptism for that age. DD may need to do classes.

Monjardin12 · 14/01/2023 08:02

I would be a bit concerned that she's being indoctrinated by the school. Have the teachers said she needs to be christened?

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 08:05

PS it’s completely normal for family and close friend to attend a christening service.

TheVanguardSix · 14/01/2023 08:07

So, she won’t be dunked in a font. Don’t worry about that. She will be sprinkled with holy water as a symbol of spiritual regeneration.
You can have a party in the church hall after with cake and food. It’s a bit like a birthday party without the gifts. Who’s her sponsor? The sponsor gifts her a Bible and/or jewellery of a sort. A cross pendant, for example.
Definitely meet with the vicar to discuss the way forward. This is a religious rite of passage, an acceptance and a welcome into the Christian church.

May your DD’s faith serve as a lifelong guide. It’s been very beneficial to me, lifelong. I’ve left the Catholic Church years ago but I am still a faithful Christian. I’m also half Jewish so this part of me has also been a spiritual support to my being. Faith has its place! I hope you will continue to support your DD in her journey. It’s more than a yummy cake and party but believe me, when I was 8, I had my Holy Communion and the ONLY thing that mattered was my ivory dress! 😁
Still, the faith aspect of things sunk in later.

By the way, Monsoon is the best for dresses (you’ll need white or ivory).

picklemewalnuts · 14/01/2023 08:10

You don't need special clothes in the CofE! She can wear anything appropriate (as in, probably not a death metal T-shirt with pentagrams or inverted cross, nor a pole dancing outfit).

Ask the vicar. They'll chat about what's involved and how to go about it.

chouxfleur · 14/01/2023 08:12

Are you quite sure your 8 year old daughter is not being influenced by the fact that she'll get a pretty dress from Monsoon and a party thrown for her?!

multivac · 14/01/2023 08:12

TheVanguardSix · 14/01/2023 08:07

So, she won’t be dunked in a font. Don’t worry about that. She will be sprinkled with holy water as a symbol of spiritual regeneration.
You can have a party in the church hall after with cake and food. It’s a bit like a birthday party without the gifts. Who’s her sponsor? The sponsor gifts her a Bible and/or jewellery of a sort. A cross pendant, for example.
Definitely meet with the vicar to discuss the way forward. This is a religious rite of passage, an acceptance and a welcome into the Christian church.

May your DD’s faith serve as a lifelong guide. It’s been very beneficial to me, lifelong. I’ve left the Catholic Church years ago but I am still a faithful Christian. I’m also half Jewish so this part of me has also been a spiritual support to my being. Faith has its place! I hope you will continue to support your DD in her journey. It’s more than a yummy cake and party but believe me, when I was 8, I had my Holy Communion and the ONLY thing that mattered was my ivory dress! 😁
Still, the faith aspect of things sunk in later.

By the way, Monsoon is the best for dresses (you’ll need white or ivory).

You won't need a white dress. You won't need a sponsor (but you will need a godparent). A christening is not the same as confirmation, and acceptance into three CofE is not the same as acceptance into the Catholic church.

It's not a fun thing to do. It's a serious commitment you, as the parents are making - asking the Christian family to accept your child, and promising to raise her in faith.

If you are worried about cake, and whether she'll have damp hair afterwards... I would respectfully suggest you find another reason for a party.

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 08:18

Just to clarify my post above about confirmation- I was talking about the celebration after not the ceremony itself as this is what OP asked about, ie that she might plan what to do afterwards along the lines of what people do after a confirmation. Obviously a christening is not a confirmation 😆

MetaDaughter · 14/01/2023 08:18

Mmm … While a christening should be a celebration I don’t think of them as being a party.

I realise you say you’re not churchgoers (I’m an atheist and generally only visit churches for aesthetic reasons) but you do seem to be missing the point of such a ceremony!

Your daughter has asked if she can be formally welcomed into the ‘Christian family’.

First, think about who you might ask to be her godparents. People you love, respect and trust - who will commit to guiding her spiritually (and socially!) through her life. As she’s not a baby she may have an opinion herself - but you’ll have more wisdom and foresight. Choose people who’ll add to her life. I personally wouldn’t choose close family who are already active in her life - this is a good opportunity to broaden the circle of people invested in her well-being. Someone who’ll take her out for cocktails and maybe buy her a ball gown. Someone who’ll talk to her about books and art and take her to the theatre. Someone who’ll invite her on adventurous trips. Someone she can go to with troubles and worries …

Choose a church and speak to the vicar. They’ll tell you what the ceremony involves.

Invite godparents, family, (adults and children), family friends and a couple of your daughter’s closest friends (with their parents) to a genteel celebration after the ceremony. Everyone will wear ‘nice’ clothes, not party clothes! They may bring small significant gifts - books, or pearls, or Premium Bonds.

Be sure your daughter also signs the thank you cards you will send afterwards.

Ensure her lovely grandparents are given every opportunity to live up to their responsibilities. Sit back and congratulate yourself.

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 08:20

If you are worried about cake, and whether she'll have damp hair afterwards... I would respectfully suggest you find another reason for a party.

It’s the daughter who wants to be christened, not op.

MetaDaughter · 14/01/2023 08:23

Lovely godparents, obvs.

Galarunner · 14/01/2023 08:27

Also don't rush, my daughter went through a very intensly religious stage at about 8. She got very keen on being christened. We aren't belivers but we neither put her off or actively encouraged her.. She had a friend whose family were very involved in the local church and she asked to go to Sunday school with them.. She went for about 6 weeks, I dropped her off whilst I took her brother to the park or swimming. Everyone was lovely to her but she got bored and decided she would rather go swimming. She is obviously interested in faith as she declared she was a buddishist is her early teens, again supportive but didn't rush to take to her to a group or temple. She is now 18 puts spiritual or pagan on forms. Also very happy and well adjusted!

TeenDivided · 14/01/2023 08:27

I agree it isn't a 'party' (I get the impression from TV that Bar Mitzvahs have more of a party vibe afterwards for example).

I'd expect a Christening for an 8yo to be done was part of a normal Sunday church service, with the cake afterwards in the church hall. Something smart, no fancy white dresses as per Catholic first communions.

However at 8 I might be worried she is asking to be Christened to be the 'same' as others in her school rather from a faith. I would be tempted to say to wait until normal Confirmation age of ~13 and then she can be christened and confirmed in one go (which is what a girl at my school did.) In the meantime take her to church so she can learn more.

Original poster
pancakes222 · 14/01/2023 08:33

Woeman · 14/01/2023 07:59

I'd be more concerned about letting an 8 year old sign herself up to a religion than about her hair being wet.

We deliberately didn't christen her as a baby so that she could make her own choice. She brought it up herself without us ever mentioning it or taking her to church. What age do you think is more appropriate?

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 14/01/2023 08:36

Not sure how many of the responses are from those who are part of church of England but have a look at this which us the Q&a on CofE website.

www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/christening-faqs

Your daughter will need 3 godparents, 2 women and 1 you can choose. You can be one yourselves however you will need to be christened

You then can choose to have a separate service or join Sunday service. We've always had separate so that we can choose the day.

The service itself is short an hour max and like a wedding you choose who you want to come, it's normally friends and family. As an 8 year old her friends can of course be part of it, why not invite whoever you fancy. Your daughter can wear what she wants, all of this wear white stuff is a nonsense. It is not a Catholic service.

Then after having a party for all the guests is normal and fun.

It's for you to set what you want, church of england is such a relaxed institution and a christening is a celebration. Anything from arrange to be part of a service and do no more to making a day of it all for you to decide.

Cost wise they don't charge however contributions are welcomed from you and your guests jn the collection normally at thr back of the church now, they often take cards too!

multivac · 14/01/2023 08:39

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 08:20

If you are worried about cake, and whether she'll have damp hair afterwards... I would respectfully suggest you find another reason for a party.

It’s the daughter who wants to be christened, not op.

Do you think she knows what it means? When you are christened, you are not deemed old enough to make the promises yourself, so they are made on your behalf. If you are genuinely old enough to choose (and most would say that's unlikely before the age of 12 or so), you get confirmed (and christened at the same time if you weren't as a baby).

These are sacraments. Not social occasions.

Original poster
pancakes222 · 14/01/2023 08:41

Thank you that's really interesting reading the responses. Yes I appreciate me talking about parties and cake is probably missing the point but that's because I was thinking more about the practical side of what it entails. I don't think she even realised about dress/party yet. I understand a few people saying about the school's influence too and so I wonder if I should wait a few months to check if this is something she definitely wants to do? I suppose of course school is going to affect her beliefs and views and so how do you know if it's just their influence vs her learning and wanting to go down that route? I just want to be respectful and supportive of her wishes but am a bit naive of the process/commitment where I don't go to church myself

OP posts:
multivac · 14/01/2023 08:43

Look at it this way, OP - are there any other lifelong commitments you'd be happy with her making at the age of 8?

Original poster
pancakes222 · 14/01/2023 08:44

Okay this is really insightful - so really general thoughts are that around 12 is a better age to make her own decisions about religion?

OP posts: