House party for dh's 40th birthday - etiquette on sharing costs plus ground rules etc?

[bossykate]

not sure he is worth it but i am considering organising a house party for dh's 40th birthday which will fall on the late may bank holiday weekend.

what i am thinking of is a large house with decent (ok pretty nice) facilities, pref with lots of stuff for kids and near the sea, max 2 hrs from london. it will be very close friends plus their kids - say 4 - 7 families in total with kids ages ranging from babies - 6 yo.

in the ideal world i think i would like to fund for the whole group:

• the cost of the accommodation
• all drinks over the weekend
• one slap-up catered meal on the saturday night

Other food to be funded by the group.

however i'm not sure the budget would stretch to funding all that - in fact let's assume that it won't ...

[first question]... could i invite people to a weekend like this on a totally shared cost basis? or would that be off? should we simply do a simpler, cheaper celebration?

[and second question]... suppose we do go ahead one way or another, what ground rules do you suggest for a harmonious weekend?

I would say get everyone to bring wine then you won't have to fund all booze

But pay for accommodation adn the slap up meal.

Arrange for everyone to bring something for the other night for a buffet or summat

Wouldn't it be easier to do a nice catered party in London?

yes much! not to mention a few £k cheaper! but i can't get the houseparty fantasy out of my mind!

How did it go last night (or was it night before?)

thanks for asking. better i think. i am mulling it over before boring everyone on that other thread to death again

Very expensive, I don't reckon you could ask them to pay for accommodation. Could you save the house party for a Christmas/New Years Eve in the future?

wouldn't do christmas. new year's eve - do you mean it would be ok to propose shared costs for nye but not this occasion? why? thanks for your help

Best Friend did this for her husband. There were 12 of us.
She paid the accomadation and we split the food bill 6 ways.(Per couple).
She told us she would supply all booze. We all arrived with loads. Not coz we thought she was tight .

We had tapas and chicken lasagne on night one, and Indian takeaway on night 2.

We however insisted on the no kids rule, so everybody could relax and not worry about early mornings, if I was taking kids I would look at taking someone - Nanny or Aupair to arrange the early mornings and baths.

Absolutely fab couple of days. I have told DP that I expect nothing less. . Go for it!!

thanks for that. i'm afraid we can't say no kids as some of the group (dh & i included) don't have overnight childcare - we could bring a helper along though.

where did you stay?

I think NYE is a shared celebration. Whereas they will be coming for your dhs birthday, and would have less of a say/control on the way it was being celebrated. I do like your idea though.

I went to a 40th weekend birthday party like you are suggesting a few years' ago.

The host paid for the accommodation (big country house for 2 nights) and all the food (which was catered, but he is in the catering business).

The guests broght the booze -- a mixed case of wine per couple (as requested by the host.)

Host also organised some entertainment on the Saturday during the day, it was the middle of winter, you won't need to do that as weather should be OK, esp if you are going to be near the sea.

It was a fantastic weekend.

Oh yes, and kids were excluded until Sunday lunchtime. Which was great. But would have been fine too if they had been around.

You could hire somewhere really nice - if I was asked to come I would expect to split the cost/contribute fairly.

thebigdomain.co.uk has big country houses etc to rent for really large groups

We stayed in a house in Alloa, think it's a bit far for you to travel .

if you do organise it I would seriously look at the childcare thing. Two responsible teenagers to take care of breakfst and bath and tea would make such a difference, you can all sit and be adults. And because you are all in the same house, you still have a handle on whats going on and step in as necessary. The kids will have a better time coz they are getting full on attention and you and your guests would be more relaxed.

Costings

Accomadation : you pay
Cost of Teenagers: 400
Cost of Food: 1000
Cost of booze: Ask everybody to bring

Split the teenagers and food over 7 couples: £200 per couple. Nobody is going to complain. GO and have a fab time

thanks very much for these posts.

lauriefc, yes The Big Domain is excellent and there's also Group Accommodation - some overlap here but more basic options.

more suggestions very much appreciated on both the etiquette and the ground rules.

thanks to all

oh i stuffed up that second link! trying again...

Group Accommodation

bump!

i thought loads of you lot would have done something like this!

i will have to get cracking and book to have any hope of pulling this off.

Hi boosykate,

I went to one for a friend a couple of years ago. They paid for the accomodation. Each couple then had to either cook or fund a meal e.g I cooked 3 huge lasagnes took them with me for the first night - with Garlic Bread and salad.

Everone took drink - we took 6 bottles.

We had children (6)aged from 12months to 9 years and we took it in turns to have them. E.g one couple got up in the morning and then another couple had them early evening.

We had a swimming pool and we also had a trip to a zoo. Also the hosts arranged a 'craft' activity which lasted about an hour.

We went in december so needed to do some planning as couldn't just be in the garden etc.

It was one of the best birthdays we had been too and in fact are trying to plan a similar weekend this year but without the birthday so we will all chip in for the accomodation costs!

If it is your wish go for it!

Can you not run the idea past a couple of the friends you would be inviting and see what they think ?
My SIL is thinking of planning a weekend away next year for my brother's 30th - everyone will be paying for themselves and none of us mind because we actually want to spend that time celebrating his 30th with him.
Agree it would be lovely for you fund it if you could afford it but if you can't it's no biggie to ask for contributions I don't think

I have been to a couple of these - one in a youth hostel, which was fine and probably a cheaper option than a swanky big house, and one in a big (but not swanky therefore probably less expensive) house. I've also been to one in a fairly swanky house but wasn't invited for the full weekend. I have to say, that at none of these events were we expected to pay or bring anything, but also there was no childcare or help with the kids apart from a bouncy castle (which I think is fine, when there are a load of kids they tend to entertain themselves pretty much!)
I don't think we would have minded paying something towards the accommodation and/or catering, but I probably would have had a bit of a heartsink if I'd had to cook food to take....
If i did my own, I'd probably want to provide it all with possibly the exception of booze. And it would be in a cheaper type of venue such as a youth hostel.
We've missed the boat now for our 40ths though!

think you have to pay for accommodation tbh

fair to ask others to help with food and drink

it's very £££ but have you seen tone dale house and/or gerbestone manor, in somerset? (can get link)

I think my preference would be for less swank and not have to pay towards it- because the idea really is to be with people, not to revel in gourment food or whatever. I think I would have been taken aback at being asked for £200 or so....£50 or £60 would be a different matter. And I would also say no presents if asking people to contribute.

I agree with others; think you have to pay for the cost of the accommodation.

We have been invited to two such parties, we had to pay for the accommodation and it was quite pricey.

Having said that we had a lovely time and the kids screamed around the huge house.

We did this for dh's 40th through The Big Domain. Gorgeous place and such lovely people running it. We did the money thing slightly differently in that we did a booze cruise and bought all booze for weekend, and did a tesco delivery for shed loads of breakfast-type things, plus we paid for a catered dinner on the Sat night. Then friends just brought lasagnes for the Fri night and carpet picnic type stuff for snacky Sunday lunch and other food needs. We asked for contributions towards the accomodation, although we ended up footing part of the bill as well due to last min dropouts and not quite filling the place. We didnt have kids with us though - it would have been much more complicated if we had and I would have done the money thing differently. Still, our mates didn't mind contributing, and they basically got a hotel-style weekend for far less than a hotel would cost.

Probably not a bad idea to run it past your friends first. Also, it will depend on your friends; incomes (bear in mind that you may not know for sure what their budgets are like) - if you're all at about the same level it may well be OK but if some friends have a lot less money then they may either not be able to come or resent being asked to pay for something they can;t afford.

I would keep it at 4 or 5 families rather than 6 or 7 - the latter just feels a bit too big, and even just making a cup of tea becomes a huge exercise (and just try getting any mugs/cups bag to the kitchen!). Cut 2 or 3 couples and bring help intead. Personally I would try and grab a couple of Aussies or Kiwis to come and work informally for you for the weekend - try Gumtree.

I think that you have to fund accommodation:- you get to pick it, you pay! Friends should be happy to bring drink and contribute to a Tesco delivery.

I think that the groundrules will mainly be tailored towards the accommodation, but the main ones you need to agree in advance are children's mealtimes and menu, and bedtime. These are the main sticking points ime.

The other area of potential contention will be aorund children in the morning. Mine are used to roaming around at weekends by themselves until we get up. However I imagine that parents who have had to get up with their 1yo would feel put upon as if they were responsible for them if we were on a houseparty. You'll know whether this is an issue for your party or not I suspect.

I think that it is a very positive thing to do btw.

thanks very much all for these further messages, they are very much appreciated

right. maybe it is the accountant in me but i felt it was impossible to proceed without some worked examples

assuming five families (agree with ladymuck any more too much), wanting two bedrooms each and bathroom each (yes this could be spec'd down).

trawling through the ones that met my criteria on the big domain, established the range of costs of properties + £500 for meal on sat night.

costs to bossy household (not including wine, kitty for other food)

Low £2,500
Mid £4,000
High £5,500

costs per family if accomm. split by family (not including wine, kitty for other food)

Low £400
Mid £700
High £1,000

now, most people have said that we should pay for the accommodation plus meal - now you are all either much richer or much more generous than i - or maybe both

because it seems to me that for even half the low figure we could throw a damn fine party at our house!

otoh, £400+ for a family weekend away in a pretty swanky place is a pretty good bargain! provided of course you have that sort of money which of course many people don't (most of these friends would though, i'm pretty sure).

is the issue one of compulsion? because we've done shared w/es and hols with friends before and have always shared the costs of accommodation. perhaps because it is a birthday rather than a general celebration there is more obligation on us?

running the idea discreetly by a couple of friends is an excellent idea.

thanks very much to all