Managing relationships during uni period

[Echobelly]

So DC is about to go off to uni. They will be studying in London, where we live, albeit the other side of London and living in halls because to me it would be missing half the point to live at home for university.

This leads to the slightly odd situation where they're not really moved out, but they kind of are because they're very independent and DH and I fully expect them not to live at home on any long-term basis after this (though we'd be happy for them to do so). They intend to stay in halls during holidays. We get on fine, but they will be nearer a lot of their mates and the sort of nightlife and activities they like in halls, so I understand that, but we would like to see them during holidays and they can be a bit 'out of sight out of mind' with family stuff. We are Jewish, so there is perhaps a bit more 'family stuff' that happens than for the average Brit.

Since going to 6th form in central London they've been a real social butterfly and we sometimes feel like we hardly see them and we have to book them months ahead for family events. DH sometimes has been annoyed by their lack of availability and while it is fair they have more independence now, I think we maybe still have a little more rights over their time before they start having a job and living totally independently. My thinking is I'll ask them to try to proactively make time with us in the holidays (they have said they will visit) to avoid scenarios where DH sometimes calls the 3 line whip and they feel a bit aggrieved by it.

To be clear, I don't expect or want them to live in our pockets and I want them to strike out on their own - but I don't want them to push us so far down their priority list we only see them occasionally when we're living in the same city.

Interested in how other parents have handled this stage.

any siblings in the picture ?

our young adults are also busy and although living at home during uni holidays or post graduate studies, we hardly see them.

we ask in advance to let us know they are home for meals and once they get back to uni have arranged to meet them for a football match or theater every few weeks - so we do something they enjoy and get to spend time with them.

Our young people do prioritise us when possible though- although their partners are rapidly growing in the hierarchy, which is normal. However, we do try not to pressure them

Thanks @Truetoself - younger brother (15) who does miss a bit doing stuff as a family.

DC and I enjoy opera and classical concerts and cabaret stuff - I imagine the latter they will do more with mates but I'll probably still see them for the other two sometimes (though DS and DH aren't into it).

Yeah, the main thing is I don't want to pressure them, but I also want them not to leave us behind in the social whirl!

Having a slight difference of opinion with DH in that he thinks we should be able to call them back occasionally to come to dinner Friday nights, I think we should treat it as though they are not in London, eg they should come visit if we're doing a family thing for a big birthday I have next year. But not just because we feel like seeing them and haven't seen them for a bit or are having other people over.

DS is going to our local uni, but living in halls. Like you I don't think you get the full university life if you live at home.
He will be 8 miles away but I expect to see him quite often. He and DH have a season ticket for our local team so they will be together at least every other weekend.
He's quite chatty so I will probably WhatsApp or call him when I feel like a catch up.

I think calling him/her home for Friday night occasionally is fine, and good for everyone.
I live a five hour journey from one dd’s uni and my younger has just started somewhere a six hour journey away. I have gone to visit the eldest regularly. She doesn’t have time to come home, has only done that around once a year in term time, twice for a local event and once for a funeral. It started with me saying I wanted to see her at least once during her eight week terms, as I was missing her so much, even if it was just a coffee together. She was stressed (Oxbridge, lots of pressure) and had a health issue, so I worried about her a lot. By the third year she would call and ask me to come if she wanted some tlc, which was usually around every four weeks. In the first year we generally all went as a family once a term, but after that I would get the train over on my own, or DH would go on his own, as my younger one had A levels and wanted to be at home, so one of us went whenever we felt dd1 needed a bit of extra care or she asked us to come.
We will do roughly the same with dd2, she is keen for us to visit regularly and it’s good for all of us to have those moments of connection through the terms.
You will probably find, as you are close both as a family and geographically, that your child has periods of wanting to pop over for the night or the weekend, especially when tired, overloaded or when work is stressful. Dd had a friend at uni whose parents had a home nearby and he quite often went home for the weekend. If we had lived close by dd would definitely have done that too.
It’s a big adjustment, and everyone in the family matters, not just the new student, so if you feel happier seeing your child every few weeks let him/her know and work out a plan. Occasional Friday nights, occasional meet-ups for lunch or coffee etc.
Apart from you missing your child, sometimes students feel they have to be totally independent but actually need the back up of a bit of family love and care.

I imagine halls will empty in the holidays so you may well see them more than you think. But yes term time I would treat them as if they were at uni miles away. Ie we see ours once or twice a term max.
if you are supporting them financially i don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to attend certain special family events and bar a very good excuse eg being on holiday or a uni ball they should be respectful and come along and look like they are enjoying themself!

Yes, we are supporting them financially with accommodation, and until they get a job, for 'fun money', which I hope they will manage this term - they've already had one interview and are applying for a few things. DH has mentioned to them to bear in mind we are financially supporting them, plus we have supported their life choices, some of which many parents wouldn't have supported. I suppose to me it feels uncomfortably transactional but at the same time he has a point that it would be kind of ungrateful to barely see us, even during the holidays and we do have some claim on their time.

@Elderflower2016 - yes, I presume around Xmas week most people will leave halls.

“It’s a big adjustment, and everyone in the family matters, not just the new student, so if you feel happier seeing your child every few weeks let him/her know and work out a plan. Occasional Friday nights, occasional meet-ups for lunch or coffee etc.”

This is good advice, I think it needs a discussion about how you both see contact working. Happily your shared interests with DC should make it easier to meet up.

How is the relationship between your DH and DC though? There seems to be a fair bit of pressure being applied - you mention rights over DC’s time, 3 line whips, mentioning financial support to get leverage. I’d run a mile from that kind of pressure, if I could afford to. I can’t imagine using financial support as a stick to beat DC with socially.

Ideally you want your university aged dc to actually want to see you rather than it being a duty visit but it’s normal they will need prompting, their friends will be their top priority at this stage. Perhaps your DH should think about what he wants his relationship with your now adult DC to look like going forward and build on that.

We couldn't stay in halls during the holidays. They used them for other things so I had to come home every holiday. This was 45 years ago so not sure what happens now but this could determine what happens

I think with this you should leave it up to them. If they want to come back, welcome them, but if they are forging a new community then let them.

What life choices have you supported that others wouldn’t? Is it being less involved with their religion/heritage, or not refusing financial support for a study route you wouldn’t have chosen for them? Or something else?

I think the back and forward is much more unpredictable now than when we were students, if you were; you may barely see them in y1 (but term ends in May so that’s not so long, and semester breaks are also long)- but very few young people now manage to leave home right after uni. Odds are they will be with you plenty in future. I would offer a Friday now and then but avoid pressure.

I would think not just about your relationships as a family, but also individually with your DC; do you support the “financial leverage” approach your husband is taking, and are you happy to be the messenger for this?

My husband and I visit ours together and separately, and they both come back home periodically and want to be included in family holidays etc. But what you are describing sounds a bit “Gilmore Girls” tbh!

I was quite low pressure when mine were at this stage. My main goal is to have them be independent and make the most of opportunities and work hard, develop friendships, volunteer. They often say they appreciate this and feel supported and as a result they seem to want to come home and see us, and family. So I would focus on having a positive and encouraging relationship with them.

I wouldn’t say anything about financially supporting them, it’s not pay per view and surely you want them to come because they want to not out of duty. I’d expect to see them infrequently, let them know they are always welcome but don’t force the issue or you risk your relationship with them.

They'll likely be back for holidays anyway. The majority of students do.

I'd worry about causing resentment by forcing them to come back for random Friday's. Instead suggest halfway meet ups at weekends.

Our DC is also living in at University not very far away. We probably had less contact within than we would have had if he'd gone further. The course was very full-on at the beginning so we had approximately a text a week during term time, no expectations of visits or calls, really but he invited us for a couple of events which was lovely. He really appreciated that we'd given him space.

We always invited him on family holidays and he would make it most of the time but usually travelled independently on slightly different days - eg a trip to Europe this summer he left before us to run an errand in a neighbouring country and left early for a work experience placement.

Well yeah, that's my slight concern. We are trying to avoid the scenario DH had at uni in London where his parents started asking him to come on Fridays and he did it and it turned into this big obligation both for him and it turned out, for his parents, which they all only worked out about 10 years ago when he was in his 40s!

If you want to push the transactional element, we’ve paid so you’re obligated, then do that. Not the relationship I’d want, but we all want different things.

If your dc want religious dinners with family they will show up won’t they? Who wants to force this with dc? Maybe they actually want a break from religious routine? I would. They might even find other Jewish students. After all they would not come home if they were going to uni in St Andrews! Dc really are going to make their own decisions but I’d not expect this if I was your DH. You live your lives and let dc live theirs. I’d 100% avoid making this a duty. Love for parents is judged by shared religious rituals.

I am surprised by many of the responses on this thread. Your role as a parent is to get them ready to fly the nest. Be glad that they are so ready to fly.
The transactional element - we paid, so you need to show up - is deeply damaging. They don't owe you in visits.
Tell them that you would love to see them for X, Y, Z, but accept that they have their own life now. Demanding they attend, because you are paying, is just awful.
Be sad, yes, that you are now facing an empty nest, but don't throw that back on them.

I think it's a bit sad that you haven't said that you are worried about missing them, it's just about attending "family events". I think the way that you handle this will set the scene for years to come, as you say it shouldn't become an obligation.

It's a bit like the sun and the wind in Aesop's fable - if it's really nice when you are all together, doing things you genuinely want to do, then it will be more likely to happen. As others have said, you can spend time with them in their neighborhood, as well as in your family home. We loved going to visit our daughter at uni and seeing the city through her eyes.

Oh they're very much involved with Judaism, it's not that. Friday nights is more of a cultural than a religious ritual IYSWIM, might be a bit hard to understand if you're not Jewish though!

Basically all I was asking is what seems reasonable for contact in this scenario? No, I don't agree with a transactional approach DH raised. I just don't want to feel that either we are treading on their toes or that we are having to chase after them to make time for us. It is great they do have a very full and independent social life

I guess ultimately we'll just have to suck it and see, it's hard to tell how it will pan out in the reality of things.

Not what I want either!

What are the lifestyle choices that DH refers to?

Your first post describes them/they … then you go on to describe a DD. Are they trans/gay? Or another “lifestyle choice” … I don’t think DH should be bringing this up as leverage or the financial side of things.

Surely you want them to join family things because they want to, not because of pressure/obligation.