I Got Everything Wrong - Not a good mum.

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Apologies this is a long one.
I was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years. Ex terrorised us all. I was petrified. He told me he would keep the kids and see me destitute if I left. He is in a job which I believed would enable him to do this.
My mental health was poor.
I was making quiet plans to leave once all the children were older; uni etc. This included putting the house up for sale under the guise of downsizing, I was then going to separate and buy a house just for us.
My oldest DD Was struggling with her studies, mainly due to her father’s behaviour. She confided in the welfare office at uni, who quite rightly, referred it to social services. I was still too afraid to tell ex what was happening. We fled with just suitcases and school books. I emailed him to let him know.
I have spent the last 2+ years trying to divorce him. It’s been horrendous and has taken up a lot of my headspace. I have been suicidal at points. My health has taken a complete battering; physically as well as mentally now.
My DDs are 19 and 21. They do not respect me. They seem to have stepped into the vacuum left by their father. They have been gone from uni since June. They are rude, dismissive and do very little to contribute to the running of the house. I have let this happen because I feel so guilty about not leaving their father sooner and exposing them to abuse too.
Things came to a head recently when they did something which was so disrespectful that I finally stood up for myself. The incident was a huge invasion of my privacy and massively overstepped a boundary. When I called them out their attitude was dismissive to say the least. They “apologised” but weren’t really that concerned that I was upset. Said they would not do it again and that I should get over it.
I’ve stepped back and just got on with things at home.
Yesterday, I needed to ask oldest DD a question, the standard rudeness appeared and I called it out. Words were exchanged. I pointed out that younger DD attitude towards me and behaviour deteriorates when older DD is home from uni, that this has been observed by others. Others have also quietly spoken to me about how poorly they treat me.
The upshot is that oldest DD shared that she has felt neglected her whole life and particularly these last couple of years. I was briefly seeing someone, (I ended things when they told me they were not ready to have any man in the house) she said this added to her feeling of being neglected.
I’ve asked her what sort of things I’ve done to make her feel this way. She cannot give me any examples.
They both state that I have done nothing to help them with how they felt after the separation. I did ask them at the start how I could help, did they want counselling, take a gap year, just talk. They didn’t want it. They cannot recall any of this.
I have a feeling that I’m being manipulated to some extent.
I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do next.

No they aren't manipulating you, but they will be angry that it took you that long to leave. Its not your fault at all but from their perspective it took you many years to put them first.

19 and 21, pack their bags and send them to their father

You’re all traumatised from 20 years of abuse. You all need therapy and support.

They are still refusing therapy.
They believe we should draw a line under it and move on.

There were three people being abused by your ex and three people whose lives habe been upended by the horrendous divorce. Its not your fault—its not a question of fault—but it is your problem.

So sit down with each of them separately and together. Apologize for not being able to save them from the hell of their childhood and protect them from the man who squats viciously in the role of father. Tell them honestly that you will keep trying to forge a good life for yourself and fir them. Ask what they need snd try to repair the relationship and help them feel safe.

In my confused mind, I believed that my being with them 100% of the time was preferable to leaving them with an abuser 100% of the time (or even 50% of the time).
He really made me believe he could take them away from me completely.
I had no access to any money, he made me think we were destitute.
I totally messed up everything.

I’ve done this already.
I’ve apologised numerous times.
The disrespect is hard to deal with.

Do they know they would have had to be with him 50% of the time if you'd left earlier?

Edited to add - they behave the same way as their father did towards you because that's what they learned growing up, and (hear me out) because you don't have strategies to stop them. You've probably learned over the years how to take it (because that's how you survived) rather than how to stop it in its tracks.

Have you had counselling/therapy yourself?

I’ve done everything for them. So that now, even if I ask them to put their plate in the dishwasher, they say this is disrespecting them.

So they want to draw a line under it and move on. Well in that case, they need to start treating you with love, respect and consideration. Because otherwise, you have ended up exchanging one abusive family member for two others.

Because they haven't experienced normal behaviour all they've seen is abuse. They do not know right and wrong behaviour as its not been modeled to them growing up.

Stop apologising. You did what you thought was right at the time and we can all be brilliant with hindsight. That was then and this is now. Don't allow them to treat you with disrespect. Have rules. If they don't like it they know where the door is. Have you had some counselling? You've got the rest of your life ahead of you, make the most of it.

I have explained why I stayed so long.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime that is exactly it.
They do behave like their father sometimes. They mock, sneer and correct my grammar etc. It’s particularly bad because they work as a team.
when I finally called them out on this behaviour, things really went downhill. I just go to pieces and get tearful. They tell me to stop crying.

Your daughters grew up in an abusive household. This will always cause damage and if they are angry, this is as a direct result of their childhood.

I'm not minimising what you have been through - it sounds horrendous. But you were an adult and they were children. You could make the decision to leave, but they could not. They were helpless and trapped in an abusive home. During their formative years, they lived with fear and anxiety and that would have an effect on their developing brains. Look up adverse childhood experiences (ACE) there is a growing body of research on this.

Your daughters probably both need therapy but that is their choice. They are both adults and you have no legal obligation to house them if they are abusive towards you. I think you have to be honest with them that you understand why they feel the way they do but that you will no longer provide them with a home while they are abusive towards you.

@whippersnapper55 I am so aware of this now. I wish I could go back and change things. I’ve said as much to them.
I’ve offered to arrange counselling, they refuse.

These last couple of weeks have been exceptionally difficult.
I told them that if things did not improve they would have to leave. I hated saying it. Their father’s house would be their only option. Basically I would be telling them to move in with the person who abused us all!

Is there anyone else they'd listen to?

My sister noted how badly they behaved towards me. She spoke to them.
A friend did too.
This made them more angry at me. Accused me of playing the victim. I’d said nothing to them about it all.

So no - no one they’ll listen to.

Because again they've not had good normal behaviour modeled to them. They will behave like their abusive father as they think it's normal.
It's very hard to change your behaviour after twenty years and they won't see it as wrong unfortunately. They will need therapy, a lot of therapy but only when they are ready to do it.

I think maybe people have also lost sight that "no fault divorce" only came in 4 years ago, and that's when I ended my marriage when my DDs were the same age as yours are now. Our situations sound very similar, but I took more of the brunt of it than my DDs during the marriage, in fact H often (but not always) appeared "nice" to them so I wonder if that's where the difference is? In that they could see clearly how insidious it was and how we all tolerated it to keep his peace.

The upshot is my two couldn't be more loving and supportive, so all very well and good, great for me. But I do wonder if your girls had it much worse and as other posters have said, they do feel you didn't save them early enough, they lost their childhoods to it. If they want to move on, tell them that's why you need family therapy first, because the current situation means his behaviour is still controlling you all.

BTW I think that seeing someone so early on in the process was a mistake, and you should bring that into the therapy too. I feel I owe my DDs every possible support from now until I go, because of what I allowed them to go through. I was the adult, they had no agency. That's down to me. Although I too have apologised, I try not to go round saying oh poor me, I was a bad mummy etc., as that tends to have the opposite effect. Definitely family therapy, this is too much to do alone OP.

They are behaving like that because they are angry with you, and they are acting in the only way they have ever seen a adult respond to their own anger: by abusing those around them.

There is no easy answer I'm afraid; the damage was done over a long period and will take a long time to undo, including therapy- if they won't go now, then hopefully they will in the future.

In terms of what you can do: therapy for yourself. Start parenting them as if they are primary school age. Firm boundaries but remaining calm in the face of their anger. If they shout and disrespect you, so be it: the plate still goes in the dishwasher. I just go to pieces and get tearful. They tell me to stop crying. I think this is quite telling. They are looking to you to be stronger than you were in the past.

I don’t think going to pieces in front of them is helping. You need to be strong for them now. I appreciate you were in a horrible situation. But they’ve never had a strong mum, maybe they need that now? If you keep crying in front of them needing their sympathy, it’s not going to help.

OP, are you having therapy? That’s really important to help you manage all this

I think its hard to grasp unless you been in situation how an abusive ex threatening to take your kids even for 50% of time makes a woman feel the need to stay!.
I still have messages from my ex had one last night actually threatening to take me to court as he has rights to see his kids! That im alienating them that im evil how can I look at myself in mirror.... his kids are 18 and 20 and I finally got to the mindset of just send a Gordon Ramsey "oh fluck off" meme instead of trying to explain. My kids are messed up also but as years go by it gets less and less

I have had some therapy. NHS - 6 sessions. Probably not enough.