Letting them make big decisions and accepting their choices

[BeRedHedgehog]

I'm really struggling today with my DS18, who is doing a degree apprenticeship (since last September). He has told me he wants to quit as he doesn't feel motivated to do the work or the study. He wants to get a minimum wage job and claims not to care about money, or if he ends up homeless. He is not great with communication and struggles to 'put on a face', which I worry will mean he won't be able to get another job. His current job is perfect, and he is good at it. It should lead to permanent, well paid work once his degree is finished.
I know he's an adult and I should let him make his own decisions, but I'm struggling with how. I've told him I love him, and that he could never disappoint me, but I've also explained my concerns about not getting another job and the lack of motivation he is likely to have working in McDonald's (for example), which is the reason he's citing to quit the apprenticeship.
Any advice on how to handle this??

That’s true about earning your stripes in an ‘ordinary’ job. Turning up, on time, even when you don’t want to, doing as your told, noticing what needs to be done… all great skills. Mine worked at Curry’s, one for a couple of years, the other as a Christmas job. Actually both started at Christmas, and if you did well they might keep you, which happened for DS1. DS2 did the following year, the was due back at uni.

Thing is, there aren’t many ordinary jobs - or any kind of jobs- going at the moment. At least, not round here. Everyone is looking.

Christmas is a good opportunity though.

He is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions. Give him guidance only. Make it clear he has to stand by his decisions and he has to be financially responsible for himself now.

I mean it sounds like he is depressed to me. I would advise him against going into a minimum wage role, but equally I would want to get to the bottom of why he isn’t enjoying his current role.

Degree apprenticeships aren’t for everyone. Would a different field be better or even a conventional degree.

I know from personal family experience that staying in a job that’s causing lots of stress can lead to serious issues. My DN was in a ‘high flying’ but stressful career and ended up having a mental breakdown due to the pressure and anxiety.

Would he talk to his work mentor about him thinking about dropping out? Or someone at the uni? Could you get word to his work mentor?

I would run through all the scenarios with him, get him to think about it all. To be honest a lot of uni kids feel overwhelmed in their first year because it isn't just about the uni work but also meal planning, shopping for food, doing laundry, getting piss wet through walking to lectures, finding second year accommodation with people you have known for 2 minutes, navigating friendships with people from all walks of life.

Although uni holidays may seem long both my children have had uni work to be completed on return so they have had uni work to do in the holidays including group projects with reluctant people in the group.

Your son has the hen's teeth of an opportunity, something that will lead to a guaranteed job and no uni debt. If either of my two sons could have found an apprenticeship they would have done it rather than uni.

If your son is considering uni this year the deadline for normal UCAS applications has passed. He needs to look into what he needs to do to apply but the vast majority of places will have gone when clearing opens up.

If he is looking at MW jobs then he will up against people older than him with proven working records. I would say it would be harder to stay motivated at that too. As for the homeless comment that just shows his immaturity.

I work at a university and degree apprenticeships are very challenging. I imagine he’s working a full week and then he has assignments to do in the evenings and weekends. It’s a big undertaking at 18 despite the saving on fees etc. He’s still so young that he probably can’t see all the benefits to sticking it out and made worse by his friends having a much easier time doing a standard degree.

Can he ask to take a break in learning and continue working for the same company and then pick the academic qualification back up in a year or so?

I would advise him to speak to the university to see what the options are as they won’t want him to withdraw as it’ll affect funding, their completion data etc so they will want to to support him through it if possible.

I see the appeal (from his side) working at McDonald’s or wherever as it will undoubtedly be less pressure although he might soon realise that the grass isn’t greener.

I personally think that 18/19 is too young to start a DA and you need a bit of life experience first plus the motivation and work ethic to get through it.

I don't think he is depressed but I suppose it's always a possibility. We've talked more and he admits he doesn't know what he wants, or what he wants to do. I've discussed making a list of what he enjoys and what he doesn't, looking at current job availability that he might be interested in and also looking at uni courses he might like to swap to. He's struggling with even simple questions and just says he doesn't know. Struggling to know how to help.

We've discussed all of this, and it still doesn't seem to be helping him decide what to do. He's said he'll try to carry on and see if he ca think more about what he wants to do. I've advised him to talk to his work mentor and his uni, but he says it won't help. I've explained they will want to help him and maybe make changes to improve the situation, but he is still reluctant.
He knows it's a great opportunity but that isn't helping him stay focused on complex projects for eight hours a day. It requires high levels of concentration and it's a struggle. I've suggested asking for structured blocks of activity, changing tasks to maintain focus, but he says all the work requires the same effort so that wouldn't help.

It must be so hard. Could you try the what if question? What if you speak to your mentor and they put things in place to make it easier and more engaging? What if you speak to the university and again they put measures in place that help you?

It sounds like he fears being talked into staying, easier to quit but that doesn't help him in the long run. It is hard when they cannot see the bigger picture.

I looked into it and he can take a break from learning (anything between 4weeks and 12 months), and still stay working. But this just adds that time onto the end of the apprenticeship and he doesn't want to ask for it (it cites reasons to do this include illness, caring responsibilities, childbirth etc) as he doesn't think he has a good enough reason.
His uni cohort is small and two have dropped out due to being made redundant and one has dropped out as found it too difficult. I really hadn't realised what a difficult undertaking it would be for him. I agree, degree apprenticeship should be for over 21 year olds in the ideal world.

I've not tried this - thank you.

I think you're right that he doesn't want his work to talk him into staying. He already said that he doesn't actually want to hand his notice in as he will feel like he is letting them all down, so is destined to stay unless he fails probation - I'm just hoping he doesn't fail it on purpose so the decision is made for him. 😞

I would lit your dilemma into chat gpt and explore it from his side and yours. Then come up with a mutual way to move forward in an amicable way without it harming your relationship.

The other point I would make is that there actually isn’t a huge difference salary wise between many ‘minimum wage’ jobs these days and more professional entry level roles.

The NMW has gone up significantly but other wages haven’t. A supervisor at Tesco for example can be on over £30k.

Those roles aren’t easy to get, but it may be worth thinking about.

I think he’s behaving like an 18 year old - many of them go to Uni and want to drop out - my ds included - he just hung on by the skin of his teeth, but his attitude and work ethic improved quite a bit by his second year. I don’t think you can force them.

Relatively normal to drop out of uni but then you get a job. Why do many no longer think that is the alternative?