Not sure what to do with 27 year old son

[Paddington1234]

He's lost. He just spent a month in prison on remand and then was discharged to me. He was great for the first couple of weeks but has taken to driving to the nearest city on a Thursday, Nobody knows where he stays. He tells me he is working and doing quotes ( he's a gardener), but yesterday I found out that the person he told me he was staying with hasn't seen him for months.Tomorrow he has to do community service and is expected at 8am ( southern hemisphere). All I've had is one call from him a few hours ago and him hanging up. Now nothing. He refuses to tell me where he is. He is driving our ute. I have insurance to get him straight into a private facility for detox and psychiatric help but he refuses. His siblings are giving him the ( we don't want an ice addict in our house so count us out of your life unless you go to rehab speech). He has nowhere else to live except with me. I don't know what to do.

If he doesn't turn up tomorrow I think he will go straight back to prison.

It's a fucking disaster but he doesn't seem to care.
Only thin I can think of is list the vehicle as stolen but he's probably still got drugs in his system so that would be straight back to prison.
What a fecking shitshow.
Oh and it was breach of AVO ( no violence , but harassment) that was the charge.
ETA harassment via phone msgs.

Sorry OP, sometimes despite all your best intentions and efforts to get him help, you simply can't because they won't accept it. Sometimes people have to do the journey that they're on and you have to yourself to protect yourself instead.

Don't give him access to the car again, instead offer the odd lift. Am pretty sure he will be drug driving. My brother was a drug addict in his early 20's. Was removed from the family home for violence, theft and well, general shitty behaviour.

Is he going to make it back in time for his community service?

If he's on remand, is it a condition of bail that he stays at your address, and does that mean he's breaking those conditions when he disappears on Thursdays?

I'm unclear on the Sothern Hemisphere thing? time wise that doesn't tell us anything - UK is northern, its 09.10, Johannesburg is southern it's 11.10, but Sydney is 20.10 and Alaska in the north is 0.10.

You have to let him fall.

Until he hits his own version of rock bottom and chooses to change, you can’t make him listen to reason.

It might take years and it might never happen, and in the meantime you have to carry on living your own life. Don’t let him ruin your life too.

northern nsw
Australia

Op called the car a 'Ute'. That's an Australian and NZ thing.

Thanks everyone. He is here in a filthy mood and I will drive him to his community service ( its playing with puppies and walking dogs) and pick him up when he's finished. I will keep the car keys. He will hit the roof but what will be will be. It takes an hour to walk to the shops from where we are. If he's that determined then I can't stop him. I am worried about my partner and my 27yo getting into a fight. That would have him straight back in gaol. Sigh

She obviously knew what he’s up to!
Hes an adult old enough to stand on his own 2 feet

I don't think it matters? Clearly OP doesn't want to specify location.

Yeah, he's an adult, but he's also still ger son....of course she's always going to worry about him!
Do you have kids?

Refused to get up for community service this morning. Phoned them and said he was sick. It's fecking unbelievable.

I'm sure that that's an excuse the community service people hear tediously often. They may well be round to check just how ill he is.

I’d stick a tracker in your vehicle note it’s home.

This is a good idea (like an airpod you mean?) I'e never bought one but i think I will. Ta

Oh what a worry for you. Unfortunately though, I don’t think your love alone will save him, he needs to want the help.
Is your partner his dad? If not, is his dad on the scene?

OP, he will be drug driving. Nobody descends into this level of chaos and illness without it having taken over everything. You don't get into this mess but then be able to say 'oh but not THAT, that's my line'. It's all-consuming.

I worked with a lady once whose son had a fairly significant drug addiction but had made a number of efforts to get clean. He'd also stolen from her, been violent when under the influence, been to jail etc. However, her one great confidence was that he was great with his nieces and nephews. There were always his line in the sand - he was clean when they were around, he was able to leave all that to one side because they were his priority. It was such a relief for her that he had that one clean area of his life. Until the day he drove them under the influence of a drug that until that day she didn't know he'd taken, and killed one of them. There is no line.

You need to protect yourself. I have never been in your position but I would be searching for parents further down the track than you - tiktok and insta can actually be great for finding your tribe with stuff like this. Best wishes to you both x

If he is subject to a community based order please contact his corrections officer and ask for their help.