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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

No contact with DS Ex

33 replies

rumpletumpkins · 02/02/2026 12:26

DS is separated from the mother of his 2 kids. It was a messy break up. We have a fair bit of contact with the ex – we provide childcare twice a week and do occasional nights and step in when there is an emergency. She doesn’t have any close family. She lives near us and DS lives about 50 miles away. We interact via SM and when she drops them off etcetera.
DS has a new partner who has 3 DC of her own. He now wants us to go no contact with the ex to make the new partner feel comfortable with us and fit in.

Never had to navigate this kind of thing before. It feels unfair to the ex (who has her moments, to be fair) and also to the kids. Also feels a bit controlling of us - like we don't have any choice in this.
Anybody got experience of this? Is this usual?

OP posts:
MysteriousFalafel · 02/02/2026 12:36

I would absolutely not go no contact with the mother of your grandchildren, no. Sounds like DS is behaving badly and I personally wouldn’t enable it. I’d make sure his new partner felt welcome and do everything I could to be friendly and warm but as you provide childcare (and presumably see them more than DS does if he’s 50 miles away) I’d make it clear to him that my relationship with ex DIL was my own and nothing to do with him.

FuzzyWolf · 02/02/2026 12:36

Surely you are only on amicable terms to facilitate a relationship with your grandchildren which is in their best interests? Quite why your son isn’t the one having his own children when needed, isn’t something I’ll go into.

So now your son wants to prioritise his latest girlfriend’s insecurities and negatively impact his own children?! Those poor children. I can’t believe you even need to ask.

Iwontbethere · 02/02/2026 12:40

Disregard his request, your relationship with your grandkids is none of his concern.

Does he parent his kids?

Billybagpuss · 02/02/2026 12:42

What contact does ds have with his kids?

this is nothing to do with him, you are looking after your biological grandchildren, no way would I jeopardise that to mollycoddle a new relationship that might not last.

2026NewTricks · 02/02/2026 12:43

Not a chance.

Springtimewillbespringing · 02/02/2026 12:44

I would be telling DS he needs to grow up and of course you will continue to see the grandchildren AND to support their mother. He should be continuing to be a positive and frequent presence in his children’s lives and he needs to figure out how he makes his children feel comfortable.

Why does DS live so far away from his children?

VacayDreamer · 02/02/2026 12:44

I don’t see how you could possibly cut off your dgc, that would be terribly cruel in my opinion. What right does your ds have to dictate?

if the new partner can’t cope with the fact her new partner already has a responsibility to the two children he fathered, she should definitely pause before involving her kids in that relationship.

MapleOakPine · 02/02/2026 12:45

So is DS not in contact with his own kids at all??

Original poster
rumpletumpkins · 02/02/2026 12:45

DS contact with kids has gradually dwindled since they split - he does shift work so not always easy. Ex moved to be closer to us to get support for kids.

OP posts:
MapleOakPine · 02/02/2026 12:46

Wow. I think your DS should be ashamed of himself for asking this of you.

Original poster
rumpletumpkins · 02/02/2026 12:46

MapleOakPine · 02/02/2026 12:46

Wow. I think your DS should be ashamed of himself for asking this of you.

My thoughts too

OP posts:
ghostofchristmaspasta · 02/02/2026 12:47

I would tell him very clearly that that isn’t happening and that him and his new girlfriend need to grow up. You cannot behave like petty children if you have children of your own.

Original poster
rumpletumpkins · 02/02/2026 12:47

MapleOakPine · 02/02/2026 12:45

So is DS not in contact with his own kids at all??

Every other weekend

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 02/02/2026 12:48

It sounds like you are completely excusing him for being a shit father who doesn’t support his own children and you are seriously considering stopping helping your grandchildren because he has asked you to.

He’s a product of his upbringing. You brought him up so that’s your fault. Don’t let his children down because you weren’t a good enough parent to your own child.

BollyMolly · 02/02/2026 12:48

That would be a no from any decent grandparent.

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 02/02/2026 12:52

My ex told all his family they were to go no contact with our son as that’s what he did. They all just cut my child out to of their lives. I will never forgive them for this. It is a nasty thing to do to a child. Ex resurfaced last year now son is 16. They are all acting like they are the best family ever. my son know that I will not forgive them for what they have done and will never speak to them.

Do not do this to your grandchildren. It’s been heartbreaking to watch and has long lasting consequences.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 02/02/2026 12:53

FuzzyWolf · 02/02/2026 12:48

It sounds like you are completely excusing him for being a shit father who doesn’t support his own children and you are seriously considering stopping helping your grandchildren because he has asked you to.

He’s a product of his upbringing. You brought him up so that’s your fault. Don’t let his children down because you weren’t a good enough parent to your own child.

I don't think that is correct at all. It's not the feeling I get. OP, my sympathies. I would definitely tell him that he has no right to police your relationship with his ex. I don't think you need to get too close to his new girlfriend just yet. You don't know how long it'll last.

Iwontbethere · 02/02/2026 12:54

The man is asking that you abandon your grandkids by asking this of you. As he's a four-days-a-month deadbeat, you presumably wouldn't see your grandkids if it was left to the man to arrange your contact with them.
Give him a bollocking.

CompetitionMyArse · 02/02/2026 12:56

Your son is being an absolute dick. Tell him no. Very firmly. Your relationship with his ex is purely so that you can maintain a strong and close bond with HIS children, who you do an awful lot for while he is fifty miles away, let's remember. If that is made easier and more peaceful by having a pleasant and civil relationship with their mother then so be it. The children will benefit hugely from that and that's the ONLY thing that matters. It certainly matters more than making his new GF feel less insecure. It's a ridiculous request and does not paint your son or his new GF in a very good light.

You can be welcoming to his new partner without this needing to become an issue. If he can't see that then it's not difficult to draw conclusions about who was to blame in the breakdown of their relationship, is it?

Whyherewego · 02/02/2026 12:56

He is asking you to "drop" the grandkids in favour of his new partner. This is horrible of him to be honest. The grandkids I am sure really love the time they have with you . If you went NC you'd never see them

cobrapaw · 02/02/2026 12:56

What a ridiculous request, I’d tell him to grow up. Do not cut contact.

BendingSpoons · 02/02/2026 12:58

Kids come first in these situations. It is absolutely in your grandchildren best interests for you to maintain your current arrangements. Even more so given your DS is being useless.

NorthXNorthWest · 02/02/2026 12:59

FuzzyWolf · 02/02/2026 12:48

It sounds like you are completely excusing him for being a shit father who doesn’t support his own children and you are seriously considering stopping helping your grandchildren because he has asked you to.

He’s a product of his upbringing. You brought him up so that’s your fault. Don’t let his children down because you weren’t a good enough parent to your own child.

You are being OTT.

Original poster
rumpletumpkins · 02/02/2026 13:00

This is all so really helpful (apart from you @FuzzyWolf !). It reinforces what I have been thinking. He seems to think that going NC is a regular thing that people do now and totally normal behaviour. To be honest he has always been 'easily led' and I see the influence of the new squeeze here. However he is a grown up and needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

I have no intention of abandoning the grandkids - they are my life's joy. But for him it is his way or the highway and if it is not NC with her then we won't be seeing him again.

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 02/02/2026 13:03

Well obviously you stick by the mother of your grandchildren. Especially given your son doesnt seem to be bothered about them.
I bet it wont last with his new partner anyway.
So you will lose contact with grandchildren for the sake of some random woman.
I would be telling my son to grow up and take care of his children. What a waste of space he is.