Your children have left but their stuff hasn’t!

[Heatherweather77]

Perhaps this should be in housekeeping but thought others on here may be able to offer practical advice please?

My house is drowning in my adult DDs’ old clothes, books, possessions. My house desperately needs sorting out!

They say they will come and help declutter their stuff, but I have been waiting for two years. They will help with the odd item like a coat or a piece of luggage but as for the rest, I need several days with each of them, anf they are never available; there is always some excuse such as they are sitting exams, or travelling, or have something better to do!

What do you do in these circumstances? Is it ok to take the bull by the horns and go through every piece of clothing, box, bag, book of theirs and make the decisions to chuck them out or keep unilaterally? Or not?

Give each one a different deadline to spend a weekend with you sorting their things. Give Jo a month's notice to come home and do it. Then a month's notice for John, then for James, then for Jill. If they don't come tell them that you'll be doing it without them. They are taking the piss.

Snap our garage is filled with their belongings.We have been getting them to do bits each time they visit ,it’s a work in progress.

Older two are students - but have made it clear we won't hang on to everything for ever and will likely move when DD2 finishes uni - doing A-level now move for work reasons and downsize (less choice more what we can buy).

I've used the example of parents next door neigbour in her 80s house sale delayed - moving to sheltered accomodation while her kids in their 60s who hadn't lived their over 40 years by then cleared their stuff out. Said no way are we having that so have started setting expectations.

DD1 packed stuff away in her room - and she sorted though after a year or two away - rest will be put in storage containers for now. DS had summer to sort stuff before uni warned him would sort though clean and likely slowly re-purpose room as guestroom is needed for extended family stays as they stop in hotel at minute - which we've done.

We've further threatened to pack it all up and send via baggage firmsto their addresses if not sorted few years after getting settled - but will be when they have finished being students and look semi settled.

My mum had this problem after I left home 10 years ago.
I did not want to clear out the room because it was my childhood, and my teenage years, dismantling it all would have been a total headfuck in an already difficult time for me. I didn’t need to look back through it all or make impossible choices. I was happy for all of it to go. My parents cleared it. Most of it went to the recycling centre or the dump but I’d have been fine with a house clearance coming to take it all away. I didn’t want it - but it was too difficult to deal with because of all the memories attached to everything in that room - growing up isn’t easy.

Box up everything in the soon-to-be sewing room. Stack those boxes in their bedrooms for them to sort when they're next home. Then enjoy your sewing room, @Heatherweather77 !

Whatever is in their rooms, shut the door and ignore. While they are still students there's not much they can do. Your house is still their permanent home.

On the day that I moved into my first house (after renting and uni),y lovely parents brought everything from their house to mine. They have occasionally found other things since which gets put in my car/they bring it over
Their house is not where I keep my rubbish. They did suggest if we didn't they would sell up and buy a narrow boat.....

Agree. Give them a deadline. If they haven't cleared it out by then, it's going to the tip.

It’s perfectly reasonable to tell them that their stuff needs to stay in their rooms. If their rooms are too small, they will need to get rid of some stuff, or you will do it for them.
Either that or you invest in a bunch of stackable plastic boxes, you box up their stuff and you pile it to the ceiling in their rooms. Once they realise that you mean it about containment they will probably have a clear out.

My 18 year old is away in the military. Every time he comes home on leave I will make him
a nice meal and then produce a bag for life of what I think is rubbish for him to go through. 90% of it he usually doesn’t want. Then when he goes back again I will bin it/ take it to charity etc. Anything sentimental he can keep in his room but I didn’t want him having loads of rubbish from years ago in there because then there is no space to put his stuff when he comes home.

So that’s my advise. Ultimately you are the project manager of it all (unfortunately) but each time you see them have a bag for life full of stuff. Then it’s not taking up much time but it’s a continual process.

I put my children’s stuff into bags and took it to their homes. Some of it they didn’t want so I got rid of it for them.

As students, we still had our rooms at home full of our stuff.
Once we got our own houses though, my parents simply turned up with a car load of stuff each time!
I think their loft is nice and clear lol!

DS is like me and hates clutter fortunately, unlike his Father.

He is moving out in June when his GF lease on her shared house is up.

He has begun decluttering his room already, it turns out all he wants are some of the Ladybird books I collect. We have been through all of them and there are around 5 boxes worth, those smaller A4 photocopy paper boxes. They will remain with us and that’s all which is fine. It’s my collection but he had them read to him as a child.

They need to start getting rid of a few things now whilst still at University but they are still living there so that’s different. It will make the big declutter easier. I’m one of 6 and there was no indulgent keeping of stuff once we moved out by my Mother, you took it all and there was zero choice. All my belongings fitted in to my mini when I left home, the Mr Bean size OG mini. I had been an avid user of the library so did not have a lot of books at all, kept a couple of exercise books from school and my exam certs and a couple of nursing textbooks books, 3 paper parasols and a large fan. I didn’t have much I can pretty much remember it all.

Your kids shouldn’t expand out of their rooms.

Either that or you invest in a bunch of stackable plastic boxes, you box up their stuff and you pile it to the ceiling in their rooms.

That what we've done - DS did have a look though and take some more stuff up - but it is out the way of rest of room and there if and when he wants it in future.

I like your stick and carrot approach Daisy12Maisie thank you!* *

And thank you to everyone for sharing their different solutions.

I sort of guessed that I would have to project manage it all.

I have to confess to being slightly resentful of this as we are a family of fully functioning adults who all work or study but my dh and I no longer have the same energy reserves or number of holidays as our offspring 😃😆

Plus I am no domestic goddess but even for me it’s become a bit of an eyesore.

I will contact them again to say the situation is getting out of hand and can I have their permission to start tackling a few things. I think I will start with the areas outside of their bedrooms and work my way back!

Start by reclaiming the rooms that aren't theirs and clear those. Dump anything into their room and close the door! I'd ignore their rooms until they are home again.
But let them know. Offer maybe to do some video calls where they call suggest what's for charity etc

We asked DD (20) if she’d mind whether we turn her room into a TV room. She’s barely here now as her life is in her uni city and we visit her there instead (she also works there over the summer). She’s not intending to move home after graduating-of course she may have to.

She sorted her stuff out over Christmas and got rid of a lot. We’ll store the rest and she’ll sleep in our spare room when she’s here.

It’s history repeating itself as my parents turned my room into an office during my first term at uni - without telling me!

Tell them to book a weekend in to do it or it is all getting thrown away.

My in laws filled our car boot with my husbands stuff when we visited one Christmas 😂😂 it was hilarious and it made us take it away.

We have a lot of storage space, the adult DCs have far less in their smaller modern houses. I have no problem with a few boxes of books, some sports equipment, some bulky clothing eg coats and some random stuff staying here. It is all in boxes or cupboards, it is not in the way, and if they don't take it before we die they can sort it out then.

Nope, they won’t! My eldest says just get rid and my youngest says “I’ll have a look next time I’m down”. He’s 40 and left home at 17!

I have sorted out the junk from my two .I have kept the good clothes and memorabilia and it is all corralled into one room where they stay when they come home .It' s all boxed ,sorted and tidy so no longer really in the way .

We used a couple of huge suitcases we didn’t use and everything went in the loft. They were then given a deadline or it was all going. They came and took what they wanted. Other stuff went to charity.

I think this is good advice! Thank you!

Sympathies Tallship! I can see this happening with my two!

Thank you for everyone’s comments and suggestions. I see I am going to have to find some energy from somewhere, take the initiative and seek compromise!

I don’t want to be too brutal but at the same time, we do need to make reasonable progress.

We do that but guaranteed every time they visit will end up leaving stuff