Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Stepdaughters behaviour and how to support my partner

70 replies

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 19:06

Hello all
Im hoping you guys may be able to offer me some guidance on how to help my partner deal with his daughter as her behaviour is less than decent.
For clarity he and his ex wife split over 10 years ago, it wasn’t a good breakup as he cheated on her and got caught etc. Throw into the mix that she isn’t the nicest of people (I’ve known her a lot longer than he has), very money orientated, would speak to him like absolute garbage unless of course she wanted something or needed a favour and would then be nice to a period and then return back to her previous behaviour. Has even been known to threaten to tell the children the reason for their split if he didnt do as she wanted - you get the picture I’m sure. The 2 children are now 21 and 25, the eldest one barely made any time for him unless her car went wrong/she needed financial help. To the extent that when she started earning a considerable wage and he asked her to take over her car insurance payments she simply replied with “don’t ever message me again”, bearing in mind the agreement was that he would pay for the first year but he had actually paid for almost 4 years at this point.

The 21 year old made more of an effort for a few years, would come over each Friday evening, see him for an evening during the week but as the later teen years hit she was busier with friends etc and had less time for him, and by that I mean almost no time, there were always excuses or the messages/calls ignored. But again, would appear when she needed money or something expensive and then would disappear again. Both learnt behaviour from mum I believe as it’s what she would do. This would upset him massively each time as you would expect, he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to make any effort or time for him and this went on and on and on, and I just sit by and pick him up when he crashes. He did message her and politely say how it makes him feel, and that it’s rude and asking if there was anything causing her to feel that way or behave that way that she wanted to chat about, and nothing, ignored. After months of this, Christmas arrived, he hadn’t seen her and barely heard from her so he decided to not just drop her Xmas presents off at her mums house as usual, but message (like he dos all the time) and popped a sentence on the bottom saying that her Christmas presents were at ours, it would be lovely to see her sometime when she comes to collect them. Cue her mum messaging to say that it’s blackmail making her have to come to ours to get her presents and that we should be dropping them off if she doesn’t want to. He crashed, didn’t know what to do for the best and any contact pretty much ceased as he was devastated constantly messaging and getting no replies.

Fast forward 2 years to last year and she’s reappeared, seemed like she wanted to rebuild a friendship with him, came round a few times, was messaging etc and then she had to move back home with mum due to finances/boyfriend issues and now it’s steadily getting worse again. My partner works away half the time but messages may go back and forth with her whilst away and he will message to say when he’s back, and then radio silence, or constant promises to meet up or come round and then she ignores messages or just doesn’t show. After this going on for about 6 months he messaged her basically saying “look you seem to be heading back to how it was before and barely making any effort and it’s upsetting and frankly quite rude” and her response was “ok well shall we just leave it” 😢. He said no of course not, but he’s in a no win situation, if he dares to challenge her poor and rude behaviour then she just ignores the messages or responds like she did above, but by not challenging it he’s living in a constant state of hope, trying to make plans with her or making plans with her for her to just not show up etc and then him feeling devastated each time.

I’ve tried not to get too involved, I’ll listen, console when needed etc, be friendly, welcoming and chatty when I see her (which has now been almost a year) but I’m holding my tongue so as to not cause further issues, but I’m not happy at all. Her behaviour is terrible, she makes time for the things she deems important such as socialising with friends/getting her nails done etc, but apparently won’t prioritise her dad once in a while.

Personally I have zero doubt in my mind that there’s been a certain amount of parental alienation taking place at home by her mum and I wouldn’t put it past her to have told the kids about him cheating, but she’s now 21 years old, she’s not 10/12/15 and I find it internally infuriating that she thinks that this behaviour is acceptable, kind - anything really. My partner has no clue how to navigate this as if he pulls her up on it, she backs away, offers no explanation, she just simply says “I’ve got a lot going on”. If he says nothing then she just continues with this behaviour and he’s getting let down all the time.

please offer some guidance on how I can support him, it’s horrible to watch 😢

OP posts:
Hiptothisjive · 12/01/2026 21:30

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 20:36

I never said anything about leaving them for another woman.

Show quote history

His actions had consequences. He cheated, broke up their family and disrespected their mother.

They are now treating their father with disrespect.

He made a mistake and should move on but children who had that happen to them have a time limit in their childhood heartache.

Her behaviour or otherwise is irrelevant. He caused this and now has to live with the consequences of his actions.

Anyahyacinth · 12/01/2026 21:30

I think it’s a strange way to think that the scorned wife should have to keep the reality of his behaviour secret…that is lie to her own children. If as you hint, she did that and protected your DP by not telling the children…she is ..you must admit…fairly heroic in that regard

Children are naturally busy and sometimes selfish…it’s quite natural that they need financial help but also have to concentrate on building their own lives..they are your DPs responsibility but they are not responsible for his happiness

Original poster
lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 21:38

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 12/01/2026 21:16

I read these comments and really think so many posters have almost driven themselves insane with a strange combination of viciousness and obsessive sexual zealotry. (And as for all the crude language abour ‘wetting his cock’ etc - using those terms really seems to me to indicate something a bit unhealthy going on. Almost like a seventeenth century preacher frenziedly screeching sexual obscenities from the pulpit.)

OP, my father had an affair and left my mother for another woman when I was a child. I don’t particularly blame him. He was a rather weak and silly man who made poor choices but that’s hardly the worst a person can be. People don’t own each other, and my parents’ marriage was in many ways in dire straits before the affair. As an adult myself I get on very well with the other woman involved - the mother of my half siblings- who has been a great source of support and encouragement to me at times.

If your step daughters are really carrying lots of bitterness about their father’s affair, that strikes me as very unhealthy behaviour. I suspect that is what is going on to at least some extent, but that fundamentally the real issue is that in their home, their father has for years been despised and bad mouthed by their mother. Which is a very destructive thing to do: sexual infidelity does not justify passing bitterness and hatred onto innocent young people. It is a tragedy that so many embittered spouses do this - and, I think, much more worthy of condemnation than sexual infidelity. (I would even say parental alienation is in fact a form of child abuse.)

My own partner has had a rather similar experience to yours. In his case though, he did not have an affair- rather, he ended his marriage because his ex was herself sleeping with multiple other men! She was unable to forgive him for daring to leave her, and made him into a figure of hatred in her home. This has lasting effects on his relationship with one of his three children.

There is no answer to this. It may be that as your partner’s daughters grow up they become more realistic about relationships - on the other hand they may mature into sexually obsessed embittered zealots like some PP! My advice would be for you to continue supporting him, to encourage him to be realistic in his expectations (temper his hopes), and not to give any money unless he does so on the basis that it is his duty to do so, even if he has no relationship with his daughters. For instance he might feel it is his duty to help them on the housing ladder- not in the expectation of thanks, or affection, but because parents are under a duty to help their children n this way. I also think it is a father’s duty to continue to send birthday cards and presents (though not big ones) as a way of keeping the door open- and probably best not to make that conditional on their coming to his house to collect them.

Thank you for your post. It certainly seems there are some interesting characters posting responses. And yes I whole heartedly agree, his infidelity against his ex wife absolutely should never have progressed into many years of him being sworn about, ridiculed etc in their home ( we know this as his daughter has told us herself that this was the case, and still is). Yes he did wrong, yes he has spoken to the children about this and apologised for the decisions he made and the devastation he caused, I can’t see he can do much more on that front. I just wish I could help in some way.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 21:42

Anyahyacinth · 12/01/2026 21:30

I think it’s a strange way to think that the scorned wife should have to keep the reality of his behaviour secret…that is lie to her own children. If as you hint, she did that and protected your DP by not telling the children…she is ..you must admit…fairly heroic in that regard

Children are naturally busy and sometimes selfish…it’s quite natural that they need financial help but also have to concentrate on building their own lives..they are your DPs responsibility but they are not responsible for his happiness

Oh I don’t believe she should have kept it a secret, but I also don’t think using it as a blackmailing tool is good form either. I believe the children deserve to know the basic facts but when that tips over into continually bad mouthing him day after day, week after week, year after year (as advised by his daughter), then this is when it becomes a different kettle of fish, that person is then actively trying to sabotage a relationship between him and his children which then creep into the world of parental alienation.

OP posts:
ClawsandEffect · 12/01/2026 22:08

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 21:12

I think it’s insane that I’m having to defend myself as I’m being accused of being the person he cheated with, to hear everyone’s opinions of how bad cheating is (I already know this, I’m not daft) and for people to question why I’m even with him. That’s not what I came here to ask for guidance with.

If it were on the news tomorrow that some celebrity had taken their own life due to being constantly berated for cheating on their partner 10 years ago, there would be uproar and that people should simply be kinder etc.

Show quote history

It would depend who did the berating. The media? Yes. The family he destroyed? No. It would be understandable.

Hellandbackand · 12/01/2026 22:10

OP cheaters generally get short shift on mumsnet and so you won't get any sensible answers because so many people will be piling in on the infidelity.

In my case I was the unfaithful one. Tried to stay together after it came out and ex understandably didn't want to. But we have both moved on and I don't think ex has ever told the kids about the infidelity. Nor have I. I wonder now that they are adults (or nearly), whether I should. But I am fairly confident that the hard work I have put into the separation, co parenting and the relationship with my DC means they wouldn't treat me like the DD is treating your DP.
My now DP, his exW was rhe one who cheated and both the kids knew the reason for the split. They are early 20s and both have a decent relationship with their mother. Again, there are ups and downs but neither of them act like your DPs DD.

Honestly, I think the only thing you can do is what you are doing. Be a comfort and an ear and be polite if they do ever come round. I think at this stage it's all a bit late, I dont know what DO was like when they were younger but I think just saying " I love you and I am here for you when you want to engage" is as much as he can do. Personally I'd stop the ad hoc bankrolling maybe. Or give a gift from time to time and then just give both of them the same. It's hard really

Anyahyacinth · 12/01/2026 23:17

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 21:42

Oh I don’t believe she should have kept it a secret, but I also don’t think using it as a blackmailing tool is good form either. I believe the children deserve to know the basic facts but when that tips over into continually bad mouthing him day after day, week after week, year after year (as advised by his daughter), then this is when it becomes a different kettle of fish, that person is then actively trying to sabotage a relationship between him and his children which then creep into the world of parental alienation.

Show quote history

It just doesn't make sense that this would be possible if DP had sat the children down and explained what was happening when he left the family. Isn't it his honesty that's missing?

Soonenough · 12/01/2026 23:32

This where most cheaters think it is OK after a while . That his daughter's should move on , etc . And you seem to be agreeing with him. But yes, it is something that maybe his daughters ' and their mother will never forgive . I don't care how bad you are saying she is , there is no excuse for cheating . He could have left with dignity but cheaters are sleazy creeps. They have to live with it fir the rest if their lives so dies your partner. BTW he sounds too draining,think about whether he is worth it to you . No morals and a liar doesn't seem a great catch .
So take the hint Daddy and don't push it . You are lucky they speak to you at all .

Tpu · 13/01/2026 11:41

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 21:42

Oh I don’t believe she should have kept it a secret, but I also don’t think using it as a blackmailing tool is good form either. I believe the children deserve to know the basic facts but when that tips over into continually bad mouthing him day after day, week after week, year after year (as advised by his daughter), then this is when it becomes a different kettle of fish, that person is then actively trying to sabotage a relationship between him and his children which then creep into the world of parental alienation.

Show quote history

So what does he say when they say that? How does he respond to that?

Is he saying “Well she always was a fucking nasty bitch, anyone would have been looking for an exit” or is it closer to “Well I understand Mum feels very angry, but how does it make you feel to hear that? It is generally agreed nowadays that parents shouldn’t involve the kids in this way. It is OK to let her know she should say it to be directly and not use you as a go-between.”

There doesn’t seem to be any depth to his relationship with his children. When you examine how much it is about him and his feelings does it strike you, OP, how much more interested he is in himself, than in the girls. They are going to pick up on that, and it will be behavior unrelated to his cheating, but driven by the same forces.

independentfriend · 14/01/2026 19:03

I think matching the daughters' approach is going to work better. Plan less, keep everything low key. They don't currently want a close relationship. That might change in time but for now there's no point planning things and being upset when they don't turn up.

croydon15 · 14/01/2026 21:40

There are two sides to everything and bad mouthing your ex achieve only to upset the children which is wrong, as a good parent should try to protect the children and not involve them into their war. Children tend to side with the mother especially if she poisoned them against the father. I have seen that on many occasions.

Your DP should pull back and hopefully in time the daughter may want more contact with her father, it's sad but you can't force a relationship if she doesn't want one and is just using him for money.

Sassylovesbooks · 15/01/2026 15:53

Your husband should have never cheated on his ex. He should have ended the marriage. Your husband is aware that he made a huge mistake, and has apologised to his daughter's for cheating on their Mum.

However, I do agree with another poster, if your husband's ex-wife has spent the last 10 years+ bad mouthing your husband to his daughter's, this will have had an adverse affect upon them. It's not healthy to carry around so much bitterness, that a person is consumed by it.

Yes, your husband was absolutely wrong to have an affair, but equally his ex has been wrong to expose the children to such bitterness (in my opinion this is parental alienation). Of course, his ex had every right to be angry, upset, disappointed etc, anyone in her position would feel that way.

Your step-daughter's have known from the start that their Dad cheated. I think the devastation of finding out that their Dad had an affair, the realisation that Dad wasn't quite the hero they thought and hearing their Mum's constant bitterness would have changed their opinion of their Dad.

Your husband can't do anything other than keep the lines of communication open. His daughter's don't owe your husband a relationship with them. It's entirely up to them if they want a relationship with him or not. I suspect they flip between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. Your husband needs to stop telling them that they are rude etc, it's not going to help the situation.

NavyTurtle · 22/01/2026 11:34

Applecup · 12/01/2026 19:20

Maybe now they are adults they realise what a shit their father was for cheating on their mum.

Did you read how she treated him, no wonder he did !

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2026 08:16

NavyTurtle · 22/01/2026 11:34

Did you read how she treated him, no wonder he did !

Show quote history

What an absurd thing to write. If you don’t like how someone treats you in a relationship, you leave it.

FinallyHere · 23/01/2026 08:17

You get the picture I’m sure

yeah, he cheated but she is a monster. Sigh.

Retro12 · 23/01/2026 08:35

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 19:06

Hello all
Im hoping you guys may be able to offer me some guidance on how to help my partner deal with his daughter as her behaviour is less than decent.
For clarity he and his ex wife split over 10 years ago, it wasn’t a good breakup as he cheated on her and got caught etc. Throw into the mix that she isn’t the nicest of people (I’ve known her a lot longer than he has), very money orientated, would speak to him like absolute garbage unless of course she wanted something or needed a favour and would then be nice to a period and then return back to her previous behaviour. Has even been known to threaten to tell the children the reason for their split if he didnt do as she wanted - you get the picture I’m sure. The 2 children are now 21 and 25, the eldest one barely made any time for him unless her car went wrong/she needed financial help. To the extent that when she started earning a considerable wage and he asked her to take over her car insurance payments she simply replied with “don’t ever message me again”, bearing in mind the agreement was that he would pay for the first year but he had actually paid for almost 4 years at this point.

The 21 year old made more of an effort for a few years, would come over each Friday evening, see him for an evening during the week but as the later teen years hit she was busier with friends etc and had less time for him, and by that I mean almost no time, there were always excuses or the messages/calls ignored. But again, would appear when she needed money or something expensive and then would disappear again. Both learnt behaviour from mum I believe as it’s what she would do. This would upset him massively each time as you would expect, he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to make any effort or time for him and this went on and on and on, and I just sit by and pick him up when he crashes. He did message her and politely say how it makes him feel, and that it’s rude and asking if there was anything causing her to feel that way or behave that way that she wanted to chat about, and nothing, ignored. After months of this, Christmas arrived, he hadn’t seen her and barely heard from her so he decided to not just drop her Xmas presents off at her mums house as usual, but message (like he dos all the time) and popped a sentence on the bottom saying that her Christmas presents were at ours, it would be lovely to see her sometime when she comes to collect them. Cue her mum messaging to say that it’s blackmail making her have to come to ours to get her presents and that we should be dropping them off if she doesn’t want to. He crashed, didn’t know what to do for the best and any contact pretty much ceased as he was devastated constantly messaging and getting no replies.

Fast forward 2 years to last year and she’s reappeared, seemed like she wanted to rebuild a friendship with him, came round a few times, was messaging etc and then she had to move back home with mum due to finances/boyfriend issues and now it’s steadily getting worse again. My partner works away half the time but messages may go back and forth with her whilst away and he will message to say when he’s back, and then radio silence, or constant promises to meet up or come round and then she ignores messages or just doesn’t show. After this going on for about 6 months he messaged her basically saying “look you seem to be heading back to how it was before and barely making any effort and it’s upsetting and frankly quite rude” and her response was “ok well shall we just leave it” 😢. He said no of course not, but he’s in a no win situation, if he dares to challenge her poor and rude behaviour then she just ignores the messages or responds like she did above, but by not challenging it he’s living in a constant state of hope, trying to make plans with her or making plans with her for her to just not show up etc and then him feeling devastated each time.

I’ve tried not to get too involved, I’ll listen, console when needed etc, be friendly, welcoming and chatty when I see her (which has now been almost a year) but I’m holding my tongue so as to not cause further issues, but I’m not happy at all. Her behaviour is terrible, she makes time for the things she deems important such as socialising with friends/getting her nails done etc, but apparently won’t prioritise her dad once in a while.

Personally I have zero doubt in my mind that there’s been a certain amount of parental alienation taking place at home by her mum and I wouldn’t put it past her to have told the kids about him cheating, but she’s now 21 years old, she’s not 10/12/15 and I find it internally infuriating that she thinks that this behaviour is acceptable, kind - anything really. My partner has no clue how to navigate this as if he pulls her up on it, she backs away, offers no explanation, she just simply says “I’ve got a lot going on”. If he says nothing then she just continues with this behaviour and he’s getting let down all the time.

please offer some guidance on how I can support him, it’s horrible to watch 😢

They are treating him like shit, just how he treated their family! The mum has every right to tell her daughters her side of the story, they are adults now and can make their own conclusion of the situation. Your husband has allowed this behaviour to continue because he is guilty, has he apologised for his behaviour since they have been adults?
My advice to him would to be to sit down and apologise to them and listen to the hurt and upset that he has caused, it will take a brave man to do that....

Bellyblueboy · 23/01/2026 09:17

This section stands out for me

‘•The 21 year old made more of an effort for a few years, would come over each Friday evening, see him for an evening during the week but as the later teen years hit she was busier with friends etc and had less time for him, and by that I mean almost no time, there were always excuses or the messages/calls ignored. But again, would appear when she needed money or something•’

when she ‘made more of an effort’ she was a child? Why was it her responsibility to make the effort? This may be the key. Her dad did a really shitty thing. I am sure she picked up on it. We have to take your word that her mum isn’t a great person either. So two very flawed parents. A dad who thinks it is a child’s responsibility to make an effort and maintain a relationship.

very sad and very broken family.

NavyTurtle · 23/01/2026 13:11

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2026 08:16

What an absurd thing to write. If you don’t like how someone treats you in a relationship, you leave it.

Show quote history

Yes, coz life is really that simple- what an absurd thing for you to write.🙄

NavyTurtle · 23/01/2026 13:11

arethereanyleftatall · 23/01/2026 08:16

What an absurd thing to write. If you don’t like how someone treats you in a relationship, you leave it.

Show quote history

I was stuck in a controlling marriage for years and years, you have no idea.

Zanatdy · 23/01/2026 21:09

lonelypolarbear · 12/01/2026 20:31

Maybe so, but everyone makes poor choices at times, some worse than others. If they want nothing to do with him then fine, but someone being punished constantly for a poor decision made years ago is poor behaviour.

Show quote history

This happened to one of my childhood friends and the implications of her father cheating were far reaching on her family life and although she did see him for a while, she could never move on from what he did, and went no contact (and he later died). Maybe different circumstances, but sometimes its irrelevant how many years ago the poor choices were made

New posts on this thread. Refresh page