Stepdaughters behaviour and how to support my partner

[lonelypolarbear]

Hello all
Im hoping you guys may be able to offer me some guidance on how to help my partner deal with his daughter as her behaviour is less than decent.
For clarity he and his ex wife split over 10 years ago, it wasn’t a good breakup as he cheated on her and got caught etc. Throw into the mix that she isn’t the nicest of people (I’ve known her a lot longer than he has), very money orientated, would speak to him like absolute garbage unless of course she wanted something or needed a favour and would then be nice to a period and then return back to her previous behaviour. Has even been known to threaten to tell the children the reason for their split if he didnt do as she wanted - you get the picture I’m sure. The 2 children are now 21 and 25, the eldest one barely made any time for him unless her car went wrong/she needed financial help. To the extent that when she started earning a considerable wage and he asked her to take over her car insurance payments she simply replied with “don’t ever message me again”, bearing in mind the agreement was that he would pay for the first year but he had actually paid for almost 4 years at this point.

The 21 year old made more of an effort for a few years, would come over each Friday evening, see him for an evening during the week but as the later teen years hit she was busier with friends etc and had less time for him, and by that I mean almost no time, there were always excuses or the messages/calls ignored. But again, would appear when she needed money or something expensive and then would disappear again. Both learnt behaviour from mum I believe as it’s what she would do. This would upset him massively each time as you would expect, he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to make any effort or time for him and this went on and on and on, and I just sit by and pick him up when he crashes. He did message her and politely say how it makes him feel, and that it’s rude and asking if there was anything causing her to feel that way or behave that way that she wanted to chat about, and nothing, ignored. After months of this, Christmas arrived, he hadn’t seen her and barely heard from her so he decided to not just drop her Xmas presents off at her mums house as usual, but message (like he dos all the time) and popped a sentence on the bottom saying that her Christmas presents were at ours, it would be lovely to see her sometime when she comes to collect them. Cue her mum messaging to say that it’s blackmail making her have to come to ours to get her presents and that we should be dropping them off if she doesn’t want to. He crashed, didn’t know what to do for the best and any contact pretty much ceased as he was devastated constantly messaging and getting no replies.

Fast forward 2 years to last year and she’s reappeared, seemed like she wanted to rebuild a friendship with him, came round a few times, was messaging etc and then she had to move back home with mum due to finances/boyfriend issues and now it’s steadily getting worse again. My partner works away half the time but messages may go back and forth with her whilst away and he will message to say when he’s back, and then radio silence, or constant promises to meet up or come round and then she ignores messages or just doesn’t show. After this going on for about 6 months he messaged her basically saying “look you seem to be heading back to how it was before and barely making any effort and it’s upsetting and frankly quite rude” and her response was “ok well shall we just leave it” 😢. He said no of course not, but he’s in a no win situation, if he dares to challenge her poor and rude behaviour then she just ignores the messages or responds like she did above, but by not challenging it he’s living in a constant state of hope, trying to make plans with her or making plans with her for her to just not show up etc and then him feeling devastated each time.

I’ve tried not to get too involved, I’ll listen, console when needed etc, be friendly, welcoming and chatty when I see her (which has now been almost a year) but I’m holding my tongue so as to not cause further issues, but I’m not happy at all. Her behaviour is terrible, she makes time for the things she deems important such as socialising with friends/getting her nails done etc, but apparently won’t prioritise her dad once in a while.

Personally I have zero doubt in my mind that there’s been a certain amount of parental alienation taking place at home by her mum and I wouldn’t put it past her to have told the kids about him cheating, but she’s now 21 years old, she’s not 10/12/15 and I find it internally infuriating that she thinks that this behaviour is acceptable, kind - anything really. My partner has no clue how to navigate this as if he pulls her up on it, she backs away, offers no explanation, she just simply says “I’ve got a lot going on”. If he says nothing then she just continues with this behaviour and he’s getting let down all the time.

please offer some guidance on how I can support him, it’s horrible to watch 😢

Good lord your comments are ridiculous, where have I said it’s better 🤦🏼‍♀️

I'm unwatching this thread now. I feel sorry for his daughters.

Adults learning about their dad’s infidelity isn’t parental alienation.

Has he apologised for cheating on their mum and blowing up their family? That's what saved my relationship with my dad (luckily he had the sense to address the issue early, when I was still a teenager).

It is wild that you describe their mum as the awful one when he had the affair.

He doesn’t sound very mature, quite whiny actually, and emotionally lazy.

Yes of course cheating on their mother makes him a shit.
But the issue is that the kids aren’t responsible for keeping him happy, and that is the behavior which will really kill it stone dead.

He seems to have no insight into his part into his crap relationship with his daughters. If you go through it- someone else is always to blame. That’s the real poison to the relationship, him being a whiner. I think he needs to to go right back to basics and spend time developing a good relationship with his daughters. He might have to accept that they use him as a cash machine, because he is fucking useless at all the other parts of being a Dad. Does he even know what the characteristics and actions of a good father are?

Yes their Mum could have been nicer - but that just means she should have continued to carry him in his relationship with the kids. And my question would be - what sort of man cheats on his wife but expects her to “do’ his relationship with his children until he’s ready to pull his weight?

I don’t know how much you know about children op, but it doesn’t seem much. Daughters look up to their fathers massively. You must have seen the videos of toddler girls crying because ‘they want to marry daddy.’ Or whatever. And then they start with the hormones. And at this point your wonderful bloke decided what would make them feel very special is for him to shag some other woman. He put himself first, put himself getting laid first without thinking about what that would do to his tween daughters. You must know, that for many, it destroys them. No trust in men. ‘Daddy issues’ (which to be clear, are the fault of the ‘daddy’ not the girl). The first male that they trusted, that they adored, destroyed what they knew of as their family. It is a selfishness that thsnkfully most people don’t possess. I wouldn’t give a man like this a slither of sympathy, he got what he deserves.

Wow, this thread is just insane. The accusations being made towards me, that he ran off with the person he cheated on and left his children, my lack of empathy. I have a huge amount of empathy towards them both, but I’m being judged on stating clear facts with not a huge amount of emotion attached to it.
Yes I know his ex wife, I’ve known her since we were teenagers. I wasn’t her friend, no I didn’t cheat with her husband.
No I do not condone cheating, it is selfish and causes incredible pain to others, but I also don’t think making a bad decision gives anyone a carte blanche right to treat you badly for the rest of your life and I was simply asking for some guidance on how I can possibly help improve this situation for all involved.

Yeah thanks for the clarity, I feel truly educated now.

Ok, bye bye

The fact that he isn’t with his affair partner now, makes it even worse. He destroyed his children’s childhood for sex. I find it fascinating what you could possibly find appealing in this man. You know he’s a cheat, you know he’s selfish, so, why?

Again, has he apologised to them? Genuinely acknowledged how his 'bad decision' impacted their childhood?

You haven't just impassionatley stated facts, you've tried to sell your partner as a victim of a horrible ex and selfish children rather than a man who made his own bed and needs to take responsibility for his shitty relationship with his children.

I think this is where your thinking is off. A bad decision, if it’s bad enough to blow your children’s lives apart, absolutely is grounds for never being forgiven, respected or trusted again. His children don’t owe him a relationship. They don’t owe him a damn thing, and if they don’t feel a certain way about him, then they don’t feel it. They aren’t misbehaving kids, they’re hurt and betrayed adults and your husband needs to accept that that’s nobody’s fault but his.

I’m well aware of that.

Rather than think this thread is insane op, think about the fact that no one is on your side. I don’t know the other people responding, were possibly all sorts of demographics, giving our own opinion - and yet it’s our opinion which is ubiquitous, not yours.

If you weren't her friend, how did you know how badly she treated her husband?

As he adult daughter of a divorced couple, my love for my dad was severely affected by his behaviour when my parents divorced.

So even when he was older and wanted a relationship with me, I wasn't interested. I didn't hate him, but I didn't love him either.

Your husbands children don't love him. He fucked around and found out.

Young adults are generally more interested in spending time with their friends and living their life than spending time with their parents.

one of mine is back with me temporarily and frankly some days we don’t even speak.

they don’t prioritise their parents. They just don’t.

add in that they will be aware by now whether mum told them or not that it was his infidelity that broke up the marriage - and young adults can be incredibly judgemental - then honestly you don’t need to reach for parental alienation to explain why they behave like they do.

a friend of my son’s had his family implode during lockdown as it transpired his dad was having an affair. None of the children even talk to his dad and they all hate him for being such a shit to their mum. At one point he was trying to kick them all out of the family house (they own two.)

He is reaping what he has sewn op, unfortunatley he made a life long affecting mistake that had a really poor impact on his whole family, do not underestimate the impact an affair has on children in the family, it is common to overlook but as you can tell, if it isn't dealt with properly it will cause untold damage that doesn't go away as they age.
You can't really do much since your partner seems to feel sorry for himself and expects far too much from his children, I would recommend family therapy for himself and his children, at his expence, that's about it tbh, anything from you sticking your ore in will make things worse.

I think it’s insane that I’m having to defend myself as I’m being accused of being the person he cheated with, to hear everyone’s opinions of how bad cheating is (I already know this, I’m not daft) and for people to question why I’m even with him. That’s not what I came here to ask for guidance with.

If it were on the news tomorrow that some celebrity had taken their own life due to being constantly berated for cheating on their partner 10 years ago, there would be uproar and that people should simply be kinder etc.

Oh @lonelypolarbear you weren't suitably debasing yourself and your partner in your OP. You should be aware that on Mumsnet second wives, especially if there are stepchildren are involved are shit on the shoe of the holier than thou brigade who would never admit to falling off their high moral perches once in a while.
Realistically there is very little your partner can do. His children are just at that age where they have no time for or patience with their elders and he needs to decide whether he still wants to fund them while they remain 'ungrateful'.

I am of the opinion that such funding should be given unconditionally whether the parents are still together or not and I don't expect the recipient to be constantly grateful. My DH seems to think that it should be (his parents were similar) so there we differ.
He could step back to avoid being hurt by their 'uncaring behaviour' but it is likely that they are still punishing him for breaking up the family so if he wants to keep any semblance of a relationship he will just have to keep trying and deal with whatever fallout happens.
Good luck

I read these comments and really think so many posters have almost driven themselves insane with a strange combination of viciousness and obsessive sexual zealotry. (And as for all the crude language abour ‘wetting his cock’ etc - using those terms really seems to me to indicate something a bit unhealthy going on. Almost like a seventeenth century preacher frenziedly screeching sexual obscenities from the pulpit.)

OP, my father had an affair and left my mother for another woman when I was a child. I don’t particularly blame him. He was a rather weak and silly man who made poor choices but that’s hardly the worst a person can be. People don’t own each other, and my parents’ marriage was in many ways in dire straits before the affair. As an adult myself I get on very well with the other woman involved - the mother of my half siblings- who has been a great source of support and encouragement to me at times.

If your step daughters are really carrying lots of bitterness about their father’s affair, that strikes me as very unhealthy behaviour. I suspect that is what is going on to at least some extent, but that fundamentally the real issue is that in their home, their father has for years been despised and bad mouthed by their mother. Which is a very destructive thing to do: sexual infidelity does not justify passing bitterness and hatred onto innocent young people. It is a tragedy that so many embittered spouses do this - and, I think, much more worthy of condemnation than sexual infidelity. (I would even say parental alienation is in fact a form of child abuse.)

My own partner has had a rather similar experience to yours. In his case though, he did not have an affair- rather, he ended his marriage because his ex was herself sleeping with multiple other men! She was unable to forgive him for daring to leave her, and made him into a figure of hatred in her home. This has lasting effects on his relationship with one of his three children.

There is no answer to this. It may be that as your partner’s daughters grow up they become more realistic about relationships - on the other hand they may mature into sexually obsessed embittered zealots like some PP! My advice would be for you to continue supporting him, to encourage him to be realistic in his expectations (temper his hopes), and not to give any money unless he does so on the basis that it is his duty to do so, even if he has no relationship with his daughters. For instance he might feel it is his duty to help them on the housing ladder- not in the expectation of thanks, or affection, but because parents are under a duty to help their children n this way. I also think it is a father’s duty to continue to send birthday cards and presents (though not big ones) as a way of keeping the door open- and probably best not to make that conditional on their coming to his house to collect them.

Ive got to agree with people on this thread OP.

It seems as though there’s more to this than what has been said, what happened after he got caught cheating? Did he leave/ get thrown out? Did he then go on to find other gfs who he chose over his daughters after cheating on their mum? Has he always been consistent with the girls since the affair? My dad cheated on my mum, I lost alot of respect for him, he left my mum in the shit never paid her penny, married another woman and it was all about her children not us, barely made any effort or time with us once he was remarried! We never got invited to the wedding either, he reported my mum to the social numerous times, him and his new wife would cause issues at the door too, say spiteful things about my mum, lots went on in between and I now don’t bother with my dad. I don’t even know if I love him. I’ve seen him maybe 3 times in the last 5 years and it literally doesn’t bother me. I have no interest in building a relationship with him anymore or trying to reconcile because his affair turned my childhood upside down and all I have is really shit memories from my childhood.

It does impact a child’s/teenagers life when something like that happens, the parent who cheats hast a clue how much damage it caused and the knock on affect it has too, as we get older we see things clearer and start to work things out for ourselves, but we can be mentally and emotionally scarred from stuff like that forever. As someone said in another comment we can end up resenting men, not trusting people and not building healthy relationships ourselves.

I think this is probably just typical 20s behaviour where they're about their own life/friends and don't think much of their parents. My husband's dad had an affair when he was a kid and left with her, he's not angry at him about it. He actually sees they're way better together than his parents were, just thinks he handled it badly. He can also see his mum has some major flaws which he worked out by himself, very emotionally immature. His dad never said anything bad about anyone in the family (ie no justifying the affair), remained present but not pushy. Now we have a kid he puts in a lot of effort with her and clearly loves her, and we're grateful for the great grandparent relationship he's building. I don't think you can do anything, just check in on how they are if you want to keep a relationship but don't pressure, and they'll probably come back when they mature.

Thank you for your amusing and helpful response. I certainly does appear that none of them have ever made a mistake (regardless of how big/severe a mistake they deem it to be). What I find astonishing is the fact that the consensus seems to be that it’s ok for people to sling nastiness in his direction forever more because of it, what a sad state of affairs the world is in if this is how it’s deemed we should treat eachother.
I was simply asking if anyone had any guidance or tips on how I could help things moving forwards.

Actually OP, if a celebrity took their own life after being constantly berated for cheating on their partner 10 years ago, I think many many posters on mumsnet would be absolutely delighted, and celebrate with vindictive (possibly sexualised) insults directed against the deceased.

I also think there is something deeply unhealthy & perturbing about this attitude.