Adult DD has no respect

[fedupbymum]

DD finished uni 18 months ago, came home to no job and still no job of any kind: didn’t do particularly well.
Claims UC and LWCRA.

Background, always fell out with friendship groups no matter how nice they were. Some so called friends have been shitty - but don’t know how far/much people will put up with and that’s the reason they have broken down. Suspect ADHD, won’t get tested but tries to lecture test of us on life politics.

She leaves the house like a mess, cooks when we’re asleep and just leaves dishes around the house. Also get spoken to like crap! Dear god if I mention anything I literally get a lecture that she lives in the house and should be allowed to do/move/speak as she pleases - very good with words! We try to avoid as much as possible - which is sole destroying.

The latest comments are when she leaves she will
never talk to us again. How do I navigate rules\boundaries without getting a mouth full of abuse and being told to ‘stop talking, as she didn’t want to hear it!’

I’ve got health issues and not long lost my mum so don’t need more stress.

Ive wanted to post for so long but never had the courage in case I get flamed so please be gentle.

I struggle with this and have very little success so far so I’ll be watching too 👀

Give her a date of when she needs to find accommodation of her own.

Tell her to rent a room elsewhere and claim housing benefit.
She can look up the local rate

You have all the power here but I doubt you see it. Your house where she as an adult is currently allowed to live.

I was booted at 16, earning hardly anything and basically because my very mentally ill mother insisted on it for no good reason I can fathom, so I'm usually very wary of people telling kids to leave. This is a rather different situation, a full adult with (?) a degree who is utterly disrespectful.

The choice is yours. I would give her notice, shape up or ship out with a timescale and mean it.

So very sorry to hear about your mum OP.

You say 'we' so I imagine you have a partner. I think together you need to be a united front. Agree between you boundaries and what you are and aren't prepared to accept from your daughter in terms of behaviour. Then together speak to her. If she won't listen, put it in writing. You need a deadline for seeing her treat you and your home well or she will be asked to leave.

She sounds very manipulative with her, 'I'll never speak to you again' but if you don't stand up to her then your house will never be yours and your peace of mind will be shot.

It seems to me she is abusing your hospitality and good heart. Please don't put up with it. You deserve better, especially at this time when you are grieving.

It disgusts me that your daughter is choosing benefits rather than working. She is taking the piss out of you and ME the tax payer. I can't believe the utter shit some parents take from their adult kids these days.
Tell her straight that you will not stand for it.

Tell her she’ll be moving out at Easter, three months is more than enough time to find somewhere to live. Just lay it on the line, she might be your daughter but that in no way gives her a license to treat you badly. She learns some respect or off she toddles and lives a real life not surfing on your good will.

I should add that my brother was asked to leave home under similar circumstances and it was the making of him. Made him stand on his own two feet, get a job and stop taking my parents for granted.

It was hard for them but he was making their lives hell and would never have got it together without their brave push.

She may live in the house, but does she contribute the relevant proportion of all costs (eg 50%, if there's just the two of you)? I'll bet she doesn't!
So, she has to get a job, pay you rent and do some chores. Even without a job, she should be doing housework. Give her 3 months to get herself sorted, otherwise she'll have to move out..... and make sure she DOES move out! You have to be tough, OP, because she's taking you for a fool.

She needs to live in the real world if she doesn’t wish to talk to you when she stops using you she can go sooner rather than when she pleases

Thanks everyone. DH and adult DS (whom works) at home. She’s fine with DS (who is younger) but talks when she feels like to us. It’s progressively getting worse. She stays in her friends a few days a week so we get some rest bite.

Sounds like crunch time. Maybe you do need to give her the ultimatum . Either she starts obeying household rules, and if she’s not happy, she leaves. (Look at spare rooms..com and don’t be a guarantor)

Stop doing anything for her, such as washing clothes. Dirty plates put in her room. Don’t buy good fur her.

Altjough I know it’s easier said than done.

Alternatively (or as well) , sit down and ask her what plans are long term. Help her navigate the world of work .

This.

Tell her to get a job (Any job ) and she needs to find her own accommodation by Easter when she moves out.

What did she study at Uni and what job was she aiming for?

Do not put up with her behaviour, give her an ultimatum...behaviour improves in 3 weeks or show her the door. She needs to stop being a petulant baby and face the music, show some respect or close the door on your way out and don't come back until I review the situation
Your house your rules

Why on earth are you putting up with this. You lay down ground rules and she either follows them or she finds somewhere else to live. If she chooses that route, give her a deadline of when she needs to be gone by.

Another freeloading adult child. You're enabling this behaviour. Tell her to leave or just accept this is how life is going to be. She isn't going to change.

Oh I know another one like this! Has been sat on his arse since finishing A-levels in 2024. He's on a 'gap year', and 'can't find a job' - well he won't find one sitting on his arse waiting for the perfect job to fall out of the sky!! He failed his A-levels, and 'forgot' to apply for university by the cut-off date, so decided to take a 'gap year'!!! 🙄 Both parents have put up with this too!! Just as well he's not my son, he'd have been read the riot act.

Unfortunately, as hard as it may be you are going to have to get tough with your daughter. Is she contributing at all financially to the running of your home? She's claiming benefits, so she can absolutely contribute.

You and your husband/partner need to be on the same page - between you decide on your ground rules. Sit your daughter down and tell her straight, she starts treating you and your home with respect and paying her way. If she doesn't like it or isn't prepared to agree, then she has 3 months to find alternative accommodation. You need to be prepared to ask her to leave - you have to follow through.

I think it’s time she moved out. Offer your guidance & support with finding suitable accommodation, but that continuing with these living arrangements will be detrimental for both of you.
You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home, even if it is by your own child. Some space may repair your relationship. Were things better when she lived away last time?

Why does she get LCWRA? It can't just be because of suspected ADHD. Is something else going on?

Sorry if this is pedantic but it is 'respite' not 'rest bite'.

I am sorry you're going through this and about your Mum. I agree that you have more power than you think here, and some house rules are required. If she isn't earning, she needs to be pleasant and do jobs around the house. That's a basic requirement of most arrangements.

She needs to know you are not going to accept what things are like now. Has she said anything about what she wants to do as a job? Is she looking?

Ask her to leave, seriously.
I know life is tough for young people right now and DDs will be welcome to live at home until they need it, but only if they treat us and the home with respect, and do their fair share of housework.
How dare she behave like that and speak to you so rudely when you’re providing her a place to live.
Lay down the ground rules, she can’t leave a mess, she can’t cook after x time and must clean up after herself.
Is she looking for work? Or is she being picky looking for jobs related to her degree? I’d be expecting her to get a job anywhere supermarket/barmaid/call centre anything that gets her some money and life experience. Easier to get a different job if she’s already working, and any job looks better on a CV than being unemployed for 18 months.

I have one like this.

mine is (diagnosed) AuDHD so I cut a lot of slack but fuck some days are hard.

my own personal policy is that I won’t spend any money on her, I won’t do her laundry or clean or tidy her room and I don’t give lifts unless she is polite.
we did used to have dinner together but after she was rude we now buy food, cook and wash up separately. She has cupboards in the kitchen.

bit harder if you have other kids still at home.

I think I’ve persuaded mine to move out this summer….

She has a disability. It can be up and down so cannot guarantee she can be active for work at the moment an no two days the same.

It’s really hard to say leave as I can only imagine where she might end up and what conditions . Just watching a TV programme and a bed sit on it is a hovel - which is pretty much what’s on offer nowadays.

Thanks for you the advice. Just trying to process it.

How bad are the conditions that have her claiming LWCRA?

EDIT: I've just read the answer above; thank you.

What a horrible situation.
Somebody said you have the power because it's your house, but she has power too because you love her and don't want her going no contact.
You could ask her if she realises how hurtful and stressful she is being and try to get a dialogue going, but she may sidestep that.
What would happen if you told her with sadness that you cannot tolerate being spoken too so rudely and treated so disrespectfully, so she really has to move out if she really finds it impossible to behave differently? Do you think it would make any difference to the amount of contact she has after moving out, whether she moves voluntarily or because you've told her to? It may not, and she may need to be no contact for a while in order to calm down and realise that you do matter to her.