Adult DD has no respect

[fedupbymum]

DD finished uni 18 months ago, came home to no job and still no job of any kind: didn’t do particularly well.
Claims UC and LWCRA.

Background, always fell out with friendship groups no matter how nice they were. Some so called friends have been shitty - but don’t know how far/much people will put up with and that’s the reason they have broken down. Suspect ADHD, won’t get tested but tries to lecture test of us on life politics.

She leaves the house like a mess, cooks when we’re asleep and just leaves dishes around the house. Also get spoken to like crap! Dear god if I mention anything I literally get a lecture that she lives in the house and should be allowed to do/move/speak as she pleases - very good with words! We try to avoid as much as possible - which is sole destroying.

The latest comments are when she leaves she will
never talk to us again. How do I navigate rules\boundaries without getting a mouth full of abuse and being told to ‘stop talking, as she didn’t want to hear it!’

I’ve got health issues and not long lost my mum so don’t need more stress.

Ive wanted to post for so long but never had the courage in case I get flamed so please be gentle.

Did you miss the bit about LCWRA - she’s been assessed as having limited capacity for work or work related activity. That’s not easy to get and is awarded by job centre staff

That aside there’s no reason for her to be rude and disrespectful but if you come up with any answers I’m all ears because we have the same issues with our oldest!

Can you watch that show together ? And be quite clear that you will make her leave and live like that if she doesn’t get her shit together

but also a conversation about how she feels and where she wants life to go and how you could help her. Kids lose their regulation when they are down, scared for the future etc

Conditions are not ideal now but they are much better than they were. I would be concerned for the future when welfare payments are slashed (hence don't be dependent on them).

Tough love to show her she needs to treat you with respect whilst she gets her act together. Fingers crossed it improves for you.

Her disability does not give her the right to treat you like shit. She is being verbally abusive towards you, and financially controlling. Out with her. The council will have to find somewhere for her to live instead, or she can go and stay with this friend of hers. Sometimes you just have to take hard decisions.

Maybe remind her of where she could end up if you have enough…

No, but seriously, she’s acting abusively towards you in your own home. You’re tip toeing around her and you’re not doing her any favours.

My dd is much older and has always left everything a pigsty, although she does work and is doing well. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. Like you I’ve had rudeness over the years especially the times she hasn’t been happy. What helped was her getting older (late 20’s) and being able to sometimes see my perspective even if she doesn’t agree. (Eg why do I care so much what the house looks like?) If you catch your dd in a good mood (must happen sometimes?) that’s the time to broach with her how much nicer things would be if you could work together and compromise.

If she is struggling to manage things because of a disability, she should be using some of her pip to pay for a personal assistant to help her do the things she struggles with. This could include a cleaner or someone to help her do household stuff like her washing or cleaning and tidying and cooking.