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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Paying for holidays with adult children

31 replies

Hol82 · 27/12/2025 19:51

Hello, I’d like some advices please.

We have 4 kids. 3 of them over 18, one is under 18. The oldest one already graduated and has good job, average salary. The second one doesn’t bother to finish high school, she left us to live on social housing and goes on benefit, not doing any work although she has no issue with health. The third one is studying in university. And last one is still in high school.

Obviously when they were all under 18, we paid for everyone when they went on holiday with us. I just don’t think it’s fair to pay for all of them now, especially the one who doesn’t bother to work at all. The eldest one would totally contribute, but the second one won’t, although she gets a lot of money from the government while doesn’t do anything (believe me when I say she gets more money than the salary of the eldest one). And I think we should still pay for the one who’s still at university as she works but is only able to pay for her own accommodation and some extra bits.

My wife still said we should pay for everyone (and maybe get the eldest one to pay a bit more), but I am just not happy that the second one gets everything while doing absolutely nothing…. Please let me know what you think.

OP posts:
hourspassed · 27/12/2025 19:55

Can you suggest you pay for the accommodation and they pay for their own flights or travel?

TappyGilmore · 27/12/2025 19:56

Either you pay for all, or you pay for the two students only whilst the two independent adults fund themselves. It would be absolutely unreasonable to pay for the one who lives on benefits, while expecting the eldest to fund themselves.

Iloveeverycat · 27/12/2025 20:13

I would have thought the adults wouldn't want to go on holiday with their parents don't they want to go away with their friends now.

Tammygirl12 · 27/12/2025 20:14

I would pay for all. When I graduated I was still piss poor and my dad wanted me to go skiing with the family. I said sure if you pay. I can’t come otherwise.

until majority are on good salaries they can’t realistically pay and the smoothest thing to do is pay for everyone if you can

Melancholyflower · 27/12/2025 20:23

Iloveeverycat · 27/12/2025 20:13

I would have thought the adults wouldn't want to go on holiday with their parents don't they want to go away with their friends now.

Lots of adults get on well with their parents and enjoy holidays with them, often as well as holidays with friends, but it doesn't sound like this parent likes their second child much, so not sure why they would want to holiday together.

suburberphobe · 27/12/2025 20:27

I would pay for all

You must be very rich @Tammygirl12

Meanwhile, non stop MN's posts about not being able to buy food, babies, children and men treating women like shit, needing Women's Aid.

Original poster
Hol82 · 27/12/2025 20:49

Tammygirl12 · 27/12/2025 20:14

I would pay for all. When I graduated I was still piss poor and my dad wanted me to go skiing with the family. I said sure if you pay. I can’t come otherwise.

until majority are on good salaries they can’t realistically pay and the smoothest thing to do is pay for everyone if you can

If my second bothered to graduate and is actually looking for a job, then I think it’s a different case. I don’t think she will ever think about working unfortunately…

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol82 · 27/12/2025 20:53

Melancholyflower · 27/12/2025 20:23

Lots of adults get on well with their parents and enjoy holidays with them, often as well as holidays with friends, but it doesn't sound like this parent likes their second child much, so not sure why they would want to holiday together.

Show quote history

They are all our kids. However I think it would not be fair to ask the one who is working to pay and the one who is not working or studying to not pay. And we can’t fund them forever. I also do believe people need to be responsible for their decisions when they turn adult. We couldn’t force her to keep studying when she just wants to quit and has a lazy life. She is planning to have kids as single mum to get more benefits… should we cover everything for the grandchildren too? When is it going to end?

OP posts:
Tammygirl12 · 27/12/2025 20:54

suburberphobe · 27/12/2025 20:27

I would pay for all

You must be very rich @Tammygirl12

Meanwhile, non stop MN's posts about not being able to buy food, babies, children and men treating women like shit, needing Women's Aid.

stonkingly wealthy. Only just missed the Forbes list

Motheranddaughter · 27/12/2025 20:58

Our adult DC mainly go on holiday with friends but when they come with us we pay

MCF86 · 27/12/2025 21:07

I'd pay for the uni student (and the younger one). I would treat the older two the same, whatever that might look like.

I'm really intrigued as to how your second DC is getting more than a graduates wage in benefits with no children and no reason she can't work though! Even when I had DC under 2 they were on my arse within a month of being out of work (where I worked closed suddenly, I wasn't choosing to be unemployed!)

Onelifeonly · 29/12/2025 14:36

Instead of treating them all the same, I'd pay for the dependent ones (under 18 and student) and invite the older two to come if they fund themselves - their choice.

Nevermind17 · 29/12/2025 14:46

(believe me when I say she gets more money than the salary of the eldest one)

I don’t believe you. You say there are no problems with her health, in which case as a young adult she will get £316 per month to live on.

I still think that you shouldn’t pay for her holiday, but I’m sick of all these disingenuous posts saying UC recipients are all living the high life. £316 a month is £73 a week!! And I doubt she’d live in social housing. She would only be eligible for a meagre amount of rent to pay towards a room in a shared house. In my area, that amount is £344 a month. That doesn’t cover the rent, so the excess has to be paid from the £316.

CountingQuiche · 29/12/2025 15:12

Iloveeverycat · 27/12/2025 20:13

I would have thought the adults wouldn't want to go on holiday with their parents don't they want to go away with their friends now.

We have at least one long break (and often several shorter ones) with our children, their partners and the 3 grandchildren every year.

We always pay for travel and accommodation for everyone.

It can be tricky now that some of the grandchildren are restricted to term-time, and of course I appreciate that my children and their partners have full-time jobs, other family commitments and their own friends etc.

We'd be fine with "that doesn't work for us/we have other plans" but they always seem to manage to fit it in!

They contribute by paying towards the shopping, cooking some meals and booking days out while we are there.

Some families on MN actually like each other.

femfemlicious · 29/12/2025 15:15

Hol82 · 27/12/2025 20:53

They are all our kids. However I think it would not be fair to ask the one who is working to pay and the one who is not working or studying to not pay. And we can’t fund them forever. I also do believe people need to be responsible for their decisions when they turn adult. We couldn’t force her to keep studying when she just wants to quit and has a lazy life. She is planning to have kids as single mum to get more benefits… should we cover everything for the grandchildren too? When is it going to end?

Show quote history

How is she able to get so much money as a single person with no kids and no health problems?. Seems impossible

ManyPigeons · 29/12/2025 15:33

Both of my parents have paid for my sister to go on holiday with them before. She earns more than me 😂 Honestly I don’t really care though as it all comes out in the wash and I can afford my own holidays

DaisyChain505 · 29/12/2025 15:57

I wouldn’t be paying for the dosser who’s sponging off the gov and doing nothing with their life. You’re just contributing to their mentality that everything will be sorted for them in life.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2025 16:07

It’s very unlikely DD2 is getting huge amounts of benefits if she has no disabilities and no DC. I am rather wary about this thread…

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2025 16:13

Talking about ‘graduating high school’ makes me think perhaps you are in the USA. Maybe it’s just a turn of phrase though.

In general, I don’t expect ‘family holidays’ to be a thing with adult children. If you invite your adult children to come on holiday with you, then I would offer to pay at least some of the costs on the same basis for all of them. It’s not compulsory to invite them, though. My mum had a thing where she had a holiday with one of us each year that she invited us to. When she was much older, we invited her on holiday with us.

MiddleAgedDread · 29/12/2025 16:16

Simple solution - stop taking your adult kids on holiday and let them do their own thing! If they ask to come they pay for themselves.

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2025 16:18

As long as I can afford it I will pay for both my DC to come on holiday if they want to

Tighteningmybelt · 29/12/2025 16:19

Is your eldest on a very low wage if the one on benefits gets more? I’d pay for him if so

Original poster
Hol82 · 29/12/2025 21:39

When I said she has no problem with health, that’s what we know, and do not tell us that we don’t know about mental health as we are a family of doctors and nurses in different fields. She got all the tricks and tips from a relative who has also been on benefits for all her life. I know the salary of my eldest, so I can see she can’t afford the things that my second one has (latest Iphones, makeup, nails, big TV, LV bags).
I don’t want to enable bad behaviours. Just one bad friend/relative could affect her too much, and the situation is getting worse when she just wants to be a single mum to get more money. It’s so sad that the same people education from us to all of our kids and one has become like this but we can’t do anything and the government encourages these young adults to be like this too.
Previously my parents cut off one of my siblings and made her to go to work in a chicken shop when she dropped out of school. It was too hard for her so she came back to college to study and got a very good job at the end. We can’t do it now as these young adults can just stay on benefits forever - basically just need to go to the job centre and then say I can’t work because my back hurts. I get it that people need safety net but this is not the case.
I want the two adult kids to contribute but my wife just keeps spoiling the second one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hol82 · 29/12/2025 21:42

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2025 16:13

Talking about ‘graduating high school’ makes me think perhaps you are in the USA. Maybe it’s just a turn of phrase though.

In general, I don’t expect ‘family holidays’ to be a thing with adult children. If you invite your adult children to come on holiday with you, then I would offer to pay at least some of the costs on the same basis for all of them. It’s not compulsory to invite them, though. My mum had a thing where she had a holiday with one of us each year that she invited us to. When she was much older, we invited her on holiday with us.

I would pay for the hotels, food as we would stay together. I expect them to pay at least flights themselves, just the second one always expects others to pay everything for her, that really annoys me. While the eldest one already said she would pay for her flight and contribute more if needed. Her starting salary is quite low now but future looking would be not bad at all.

OP posts:
AllThePickledOnes · 29/12/2025 22:27

I'm not sure if this is a troll post or real.

Do you want them all to come on holiday with you? Likelihood is all of them would struggle to afford it on their own. If you can afford it, and want them all to be there, why not just pay for them all? You say you're all doctors, so presumably you have lots of £££

It feels like someone is wanting to "punish" the kid on benefits, and I don't understand why. It's not like you go on holiday all the time? Surely, it's supposed to be a nice treat for the whole family? I don't see how paying for one family holiday is "enabling" her? What exactly are you "enabling" in this scenario?

If you don't pay for the older two, I'm guessing they won't be able to afford to come? If you don't pay for the benefits one only, then she's going to feel excluded.

If you can't afford to pay for everyone, why don't you do something more affordable as a "family" if that's what you want?

It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to "cut off" and exclude a child on benefits - or want permission to do this from the Internet... because... you don't agree with benefits???

I call BS, benefit bashing, troll post...