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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Etiquette of holidays and adult dc

47 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/12/2025 00:10

Dh and I have 3 adult dc all currently living at home, they are 24, 22 and 18. Older two lived away for uni and now back at home. Youngest has had some problems and not currently in education or work.

Dh and I have started to enjoy some short trips away just the 2 of us. We really enjoy the time together and because of various stresses, these trips have been restorative.

Dd3 has started to complain about this. This summer we had a week’s family holiday in the UK (lovely Airbnb house with a pool, they had their own rooms). We also went to Edinburgh fringe with dd2 and dd3. So it’s not as if dd3 hasn’t been away at all.

Dh and I want to do some more trips next year just the two of us and it made me wonder what people do with adult dc. I think we’ve passed the family holiday stage, older two are busy with their lives (although still enjoy our company).

Dd3 complains that it’s not fair because when her sisters were her age, we were still going on family holidays. I’ve said to dd3 I would take her to Paris just me and her (I’ve done trips with the older two over the years) so the offer is there.

What do other people do? Are we being unreasonable going away without them?

OP posts:
reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 17/12/2025 00:16

My family used to give my uncles a lot of grief for the amount of weekends/holidays they took just the two of them but honestly, they’re the only couple in my family that seems to be genuinely happy and rock solid.

My cousins are now grown (30s and 40s) and seem perfectly fine and well adjusted. If DD3 is complaining maybe do like a family holiday with her per year? It doesn’t have to be long either.

cupfinalchaos · 17/12/2025 00:32

We do a family skiing trip every year. Other than that, dh and I in our 50’s now like to go away with friends. Dd, who earns enough for nice holidays is fine with that, but ds who doesn’t is I think a touch resentful! We are currently on a Caribbean cruise and he’s home alone looking after the cats!

suburberphobe · 17/12/2025 00:33

18 year old complaining you don't take her on holiday??

I'd be checking how she wants to live her future...

She sounds egocentric and spoilt.

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2025 00:41

Just because the older two have aged out, I don’t think that means the youngest should be missing out.

I feel for you. It’s a tricky spot this transition.

my 16yo is indignant that her father and I are already making plans for when she flies the coop. We have tried explaining she won’t really care if we want to go spend 3 months in a flat abroad somewhere when she is 22, but right now she claims we have to take her with us. We take that claim about as seriously as a 2yo saying they are going to marry mom on dad.

humptydumptyfelloff · 17/12/2025 00:41

Ok they are young adults now.

about time they learnt that your are their parents but also your own people in your own relationship and have the means and time to go on holidays.

im afraid not being in education nor working means they can’t afford to pay for themselves as young adults and its no longer your responsibility to make sure they have a holiday.

honestly the entitlement of some young adults now is shocking

whats more shocking is the parents enabling the behaviour

mondaytosunday · 17/12/2025 00:42

I didn’t go in family holidays after I turned 17. But I guess things are different these days because my kids (20 & 22) go away with me, but I’m a widow and neither of them have partners. My DD and I go on short mini breaks on occasion, though not since she started uni. My son doesn’t live with us, and actually I go about once a month to visit or he comes here for a couple nights.
I think it’s fine to go away just the two of you, and going away with your youngest is also nice. She shouldn’t stop you going away and has no right to complain.

Ozmumofboys3 · 17/12/2025 00:44

My son is 18 and we have our last family holiday over Christmas where we’ll pay for him. We also took him away abroad over the summer. We’re already booked to go away with just our 2 younger kids next year. 18 year old is welcome to come but he’ll have to pay for himself 🤷‍♀️. He’s old enough to sort and pay for his own trips now, he works and has a girlfriend otherwise where does it end?

caringcarer · 17/12/2025 01:00

I found that when DC got to about 19 they no longer wanted to come on holiday with Mum and stepdad. Once they grow older and have DC of their own they want to come again and DH and I love having DGC come on holiday with us. We have a holiday home on France so it doesn't really cost anything other than ferry over with cars. We'd be buying food wherever we were. We go to beach a lot and just relax playing in sand with DGC, swimming in the sea, playing petangue or reading a book. We do a few days out to GoApe type places and kayaking but mostly just beach. DH and I have always taken a week on our own each year and Mil used to have DC.

Truetoself · 17/12/2025 01:09

Your DC3 is right though- when the elder siblings were her age, they were still enjoying family holidays. How come you don’t see this?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 17/12/2025 01:27

Truetoself · 17/12/2025 01:09

Your DC3 is right though- when the elder siblings were her age, they were still enjoying family holidays. How come you don’t see this?

I do see this which is why I’m questioning it, I’m not just dismissing her feelings.

There are other complications, I don’t want to drip feed but dd3 is autistic and has real problems packing and being ready on time to leave. Many many times we have nearly missed flights because of this in spite of me doing everything I could to help and keep things calm. I know it’s not her fault but I find it so stressful but I have to keep my emotions under wraps for her sake and a mad dash to the airport is not a relaxing way to start a holiday.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/12/2025 13:56

Why do these young adults think it’s their right to have a paid for holiday? The last family holiday I had with my parents was when I was 10! They couldn’t afford it and by the time they could have done they were divorced. So that was the end of that. You are entitled to go on holiday with your husband. If your adult children want to join you, they pay for themselves. The 18 year old needs to understand that going on holiday with her isn’t relaxing for you. You’ve generously offered to take her to Paris that should be plenty.

Sanasaaa · 17/12/2025 14:02

She's whining that three holidays a year aren't good enough for her?
The entitlement is off the scale.

Shodan · 17/12/2025 14:12

Bit different for me because I'm divorced, but even when together we only took one family holiday a year, and XH and I would take maybe one or two long weekends as well, without the kids.

Now that my sons are 30 and 18, I still go away with them both once a year (if ds1's holiday entitlement permits) but also go away with DP for long weekends when time allows. This year we also went away for a week, leaving both dss at home.

DS1 has paid for himself since he was in full time work (ie after uni). Obviously I still pay for ds2. Regardless though, neither son has ever whinged that I haven't taken them on enough holidays, and they would get short shrift if they did.

Christmaseree · 17/12/2025 14:16

We started do less holidays when the DC were at university at Covid happened and now offer one big one a year (Asia, Smerica etc). Sometimes we receive little comments and some jealousy from our middle DC as my DH go away a lot but I ignore it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/12/2025 14:28

If she’s not in education OR employment, start by asking her how she plans to pay her way as the adult that she now is. Then move on to the question of holidays that you fund…

As far as the mad dash to the airport goes - I’d be telling her that we had to be at the airport several hours before the time I actually wanted to be there.

BillieWiper · 17/12/2025 14:33

It's not acceptable for them to try and guilt trip you into including them on what's clearly meant to be a couples romantic holiday.

Tell her she'll have to watch you and her dad snogging eachother's faces off and demonstrating your 'dirty dancing' moves on the dancefloor. Hopefully she'll realise it's not going to be her type of holiday!

She's very lucky to be being offered any trips at all really. Plenty of families stop such things after the kids are mid-teens. Or can never afford any holidays abroad at all.

ExquisiteDecor · 17/12/2025 14:33

How many family holidays a year were the older two getting at the same age? She has had two so it's not as if you have stopped altogether. But it sounds as though she might not be in a position to either pay for or manage to go away without you, which many 18 year olds are doing. We are doing a mix and match with ours aged 19 and 21, this year it has been all of us together (one week) me and DH on our own (one week), just me and DD (one weekend), just DH and DS (two weekends), me on my own (weekend), DH with friends (one week skiing). We don't plan very far ahead now, it's whatever comes up and whoever fancies it / is available. We are still paying for them as in education but they chip in with meals out and drinks.

Soony · 17/12/2025 14:34

Mine came on holiday abroad with us as long as they wanted which in DS1s case was 22 and DS2 25. I think DS2 would still like to come with us occasionally because we enjoy a different kind of holiday to his partner. She often goes with her parents.
We had a week in Scotland last year with DS1 for a specific event.
I was a bit sad the first time DH and I holidayed abroad without DC but we are used to it now.
We still do a UK trip once a year to a cottage where they and their partners can come.

So in your case OP I think DD has a point and I would include her in some of your holidays.

Having said that it's absolutely true that some adult DC are easier company than others. Edited to add we always pay for everything.

JWR · 17/12/2025 14:35

We are a bit weird by mumsnet standards as our adult Dd(24) and her boyfriend have an open invitation to join us on any trip. The reality is that with annual leave and living their lives this probably ends up as one big holiday a year (currently together in South America) and DD and I having a couple of weekend girls’ trips. His parents take them away skiing once a year. We are comfortably off so pay for their flights, accommodation and meals when we’re together. They will always pay for at least one meal, cook once if we’re in an Airbnb and pay for odd drinks, Ubers etc. I struggle with the prevailing attitude to adult DC on mumsnet. I wasn’t treated like that and I’m pushing 50. Oddly enough both we and they have a healthy work effort and live within our means so the view that we’re going to be incompetent because parents were generous didn’t hold out.

Duvetdayforme · 17/12/2025 14:36

I get around this by massively increasing the amount I spend on holidays. 🤣

I go away on my own, with different groups of friends, and with each of my adult DC.

EarthAndInstinct · 17/12/2025 14:38

We have always had a few weekends away (just uk breaks or close Europe) during the year, even when ours were tiny. Grandparents always thrilled to step in.

When our youngest was almost 18 (5 years ago) we started having 2 weeks in the Caribbean in Feb. Just the 2 of us. We do it every year and there no question of offspring being included. They do still join us on summer holidays as we have a holiday home in the US and they’ve been going there their whole lives. This year, one came for 2 weeks and one came for one as that was all he could manage with other commitments. I can see a point where they go with their girlfriends and we’re not invited 😂

Even if we rent a cottage in the UK, they like to join us. I’m sure it’ll change once they have families of their own.

Neither of them contribute a penny. Our fault. We like to treat them.

Nevermind17 · 17/12/2025 14:41

My DCs preferred to holiday with their friends at 18. Isn’t the first mate’s holiday at the end of A Levels to somewhere a bit rough like Benidorm or Magaluf a rite of passage any more?

They actually began to enjoy family holidays again in their early/mid twenties but between 16-21 they wouldn’t be seen in the same country as us!! 😂

Overthebow · 17/12/2025 14:43

As you still haven’t received an 18 year old at home and she’s right her siblings were still going on family holidays at her age, I’d still do one main family holiday for whoever wants to come. But then there’s nothing wrong with you and DH having a trip away by yourselves too.

blankcanvas3 · 17/12/2025 14:43

I still go on holiday with my parents once a year and i’m nearly 34. I stopped going on every holiday with them when I was about 16. I didn’t pay until I was about 25 but that was their choice, I always offered

Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere · 17/12/2025 14:58

You're are totally NOT being unreasonable! I don't blame you for enjoying time away with your dh now your children are older.

We used to go away much more just me and dh but now our children are grown up and have moved out we don't as much because they're not here and some of the time we used to go away was to get some privacy / romance. We can have that here now we have our house to ourselves. You don't have that.

Kids always compete though, so your dd3 saying you were still doing family holidays when dd2 was 18 is just competing IMO. My kids keep a very careful eye on how long I pay for things (like mobile phone contracts) so they can say "but you paid xxx's phone until he was x age so you need to pay mine until I am the same age) which makes me roll my eyes because life isn't always fair and things change.

FWIW we haven't taken our adult kids on holiday for many years and don't intend doing so. If they want a holiday they can book and pay for it and go with friends.

We are away for Christmas but it's a low key UK destination so not the same as a family holiday although we are paying.