Etiquette of holidays and adult dc

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dh and I have 3 adult dc all currently living at home, they are 24, 22 and 18. Older two lived away for uni and now back at home. Youngest has had some problems and not currently in education or work.

Dh and I have started to enjoy some short trips away just the 2 of us. We really enjoy the time together and because of various stresses, these trips have been restorative.

Dd3 has started to complain about this. This summer we had a week’s family holiday in the UK (lovely Airbnb house with a pool, they had their own rooms). We also went to Edinburgh fringe with dd2 and dd3. So it’s not as if dd3 hasn’t been away at all.

Dh and I want to do some more trips next year just the two of us and it made me wonder what people do with adult dc. I think we’ve passed the family holiday stage, older two are busy with their lives (although still enjoy our company).

Dd3 complains that it’s not fair because when her sisters were her age, we were still going on family holidays. I’ve said to dd3 I would take her to Paris just me and her (I’ve done trips with the older two over the years) so the offer is there.

What do other people do? Are we being unreasonable going away without them?

The 18yo has already had two family holidays this year, and is being offered a third one. She just doesn't want her parents going anywhere without her. How come you didn’t read the OP?

So in your case OP I think DD has a point and I would include her in some of your holidays.

But she is included in family holidays. Two this year and another trip with her mum promised. She is saying that op and her husband shouldn't also have time away as a couple.

I’ve tried this but she’s not stupid and will look up the flight times. I just hate it so much leaving so late, I get so stressed. But I know she can’t help it - autism, PDA etc.

Having said that it's absolutely true that some adult DC are easier company than others

This so so true. Dd3 is not easy at all. But I can’t tell her this or even infer it because her self esteem is already very low.

I have 6 children, the eldest 3 are 23,20 and 18. They are always asked if they want to come and are always welcome. In 2025, all came in Feb half term and all came along with eldest girlfriend in October. We do separate breaks too depending on Uni/Work commitments. You don't say where you go on these couples trips but if it is abroad i can see why a teenager might be miffed if they are holidaying in the UK.

OP s daughter is still going on holidays as well though. Just not everytime with her parents

Would you be of the same mind if the DD got married and wanted to go away with her husband and not take her mother? Surely should work both ways

Well, kinda sounds like she is. You’re not making it clear you need to be at the airport X hours before the departure time. You need to do that or grow a spine and tell her the real reason as autism doesn’t mean you can’t be honest with her.

I think the answer is obvious to her asking to join you on short trips, just say, “Do you really want to listen to your parents having sex?” I think that might cause her to think.

i should probably add that my DB was quite put out with my parents when I arrived just before his 18th birthday…. Apparently they should have been past such things…

We stopped but with a 2 kids and a smaller gap it worked out fairly, dd1 didn’t want to come when she was 19, took dd2 when she was 18 just 2 of us (had split up from their dad by then) then Covid hit, not been on family holiday since. My now dh didn’t do big holidays with his (complicated) so we go just the 2 of us. We are planning a future trip but everyone contributes by paying own airfare (now scattered) and puts money into a food kitty, we pay for accommodation.

Not the main issue but let her make her own way to the airport. Invent a reason why you guys need to stay at the airport the night before in a hotel or go from somewhere different and you’ll meet her at the airport. If she doesn’t turn up she doesn’t turn up. Or be harsher and say we are leaving at x time and I’m not chivvying you, if you aren’t ready we are going and you will need to make your own way to airport when ready.

Youngest comes away with us once a year. Then last year dh and I had several mini breaks just us. Our dc never question it. I think they enjoy having the place to themselves. We’ve spent many years prioritising the dc and now it’s time for us to have some time together. Just go x

We communicated quite openly with my two when they were 17 and 18 that the 2025 holiday would be our last fully-funded family holiday. TBH, the last few holidays have been a grind. The kids are too old to share a room and they don't want to spend 24 hours a day with their parents. Bickering and sour faces are my main memories from Lanzarote 2025!

We can't afford to go in the summer holidays and would normally book for mid-June, just before the schools broke up (Scottish: no school fines).
Due to school exams and their work, the kids now can't go in that timeframe. So that's the end of that discussion.

A relative is having their wedding in Spain, 2027. My son, who will be 19 then, has expressed an interest in going. I've told him that he's welcome to go if he contributes to the costs. He works full-time, so I won't be paying for his holiday. Especially when his sister will need to stay home for studies. Where does it end, otherwise?

Maybe when they're a good bit older and my husband and I have had some time to feather our nest without the everyday expenses of raising children, we can afford to treat them to a holiday again.

It's solo holidays for the foreseeable for husband and I. Can't wait.

My kids are in their late 20s and we still do family holidays . I'm so happy that they still want to come, although a free or subsidised holiday is a pull.

My last family holiday was aged 18. Pretty much all my friends that are the same age as me say the same. We all quit going away with family in our teens. My dc are early 20s and we still do a family holiday, but its not a 2 week event, last year's was a 5 day break.
They still want to go (almost to my surprise as the eldest has said that hols with her friends are more fun).
As pp has said the fact that it's free is the draw.

But as for what your youngest has said, I feel she needs a reality check. She's better off than many ppl of her own age.
I never really enjoyed family holidays as my parents got on so Badly!

I have adult and young children and we still take several breaks a year a without any of them. We do a family holiday as well though and sometimes take them separately away for things.

My 18 year old moaning at me for my couple weekends would get laughed at, and short shrift!

Are her siblings neurotypical? I guess this may be playing into how DD3 feels if they are "launched" and she is struggling to transition. She may feel left behind and somewhat in limbo, as she is chronologically an adult, but by the sound of it not yet able to enter adult life and still needs quite a bit of support.

Her autism may also give her a very fixed idea about what is fair and unfair and the older siblings having more family holidays for longer than her is probably triggering the autistic justice button.

She may need more explicit context and explanation as to why you are needing to change the status quo. I'm guessing you went on family holidays and invited the older siblings because she was still growing up, but now all of them are young adult stage, there are no under 18s in the house. The older siblings were also, I presume, not obligated to go with you on these holidays, while she wouldn't have had a choice?

I know when our DC were younger, we didn't have the money to take them on the kind of holidays that we have done in their teens. So while DS1 may have had more "years of family holidays" than DS2 technically, often these were more visiting family or friends because we couldn't afford accommodation, or short breaks in the UK at the seaside, that type of thing. DS2 has had technically more "proper holidays" than DS1 due to being younger. I don't know if that would be the case for your family?

I agree that her autism may be clouding how she judges this ... as a PP said, they often have a very strong sense of fairness.

I stopped going on hols with my parents when I was about 15 .... my two (mid 20s) still love a holiday with us, but as others have said, the freeby is tempting. We all get on very well and make sure the accommodation is big enough that we're not all on top of each other. We've taken girl/boyfriends as well.

Also love a holiday just with DH, which we do quite a lot. a few comments from the kids about 'always being away' 😃

I think a week away with the whole family is a nice tradition to keep up and one I would try to carve out time for. Then I would do a couple of short breaks with the youngest and then plan some time with your DH. That sounds perfectly reasonable. You are going to get push-back from your DD, but if you are clear in your own mind that you are being fair, you should have the courage to stand firm.

Does she have a particular interest or hobby that might lend itself to a guided trip or organised group holiday with people of her own age?

Are her siblings neurotypical?

@CrazyGoatLady actually no. Dd2 was recently diagnosed ASD (although very different to her younger sister). Dd1 prob autistic too but not diagnosed.

Why should an adult child expect their parents to pay for their holidays if they are working? It sounds like a failure to launch to me.

Once I hit 16 I didnt want to go on holiday with my parents anymore. I got out of it by saying I could not get those weeks for annual leave. However we are talking about a caravan in Wales (1960s) not glamorous cruises or European holidays. My mother never travelled abroad in her life and my father only went to see the war graves in France. My parents had no hesitation about leaving a 16 year old alone for two weeks although they did ask the NDN to "keep an eye" on me. There was really no need as I was not planning any mad house parties.

I paid for my own holidays out of my salary. My first foreign holiday I went to Morocco. My mother was terrified I was going to get kidnapped and held to randsome. I was 21 at the time.

What do other people do? Are we being unreasonable going away without them?

They leave them at home. Sometimes we go on hols with a child but then it tends to be just one parent and a child to somewhere of interest to both but no one else. Using your Paris example, it would be ‘I’d quite like to go to Paris for a holiday in Sept/Oct, anyone up for coming’. That’s knowing full well DH would not want to go, and in return you get ‘No, not interested’, ‘I would but I have uni exams/assignments then’, ‘Don’t know, wouldn’t mind but I’ll have to see if I can get time off work then’ etc. Similarly, DH has a hobby he does some of the kids are interested in, so if he has holiday/travel based around this some may go if they are free.

However, those holidays are completely different to weekends away. When DH and I just go away for the weekend no way do we invite anyone, the reason is to get away from them😁, seriously, I mean that. We live together all the time (although some will be moving out together within a year if renovations on place they have purchased keep on plan as they are slowly doing as they save), so, as much as we love them, DH and I are keen to escape them, and if they bitched about being left out for a weekend that’s a) really odd, and b) tough luck. Have one with ASD etc and they have never felt the need to try and invite themselves along to our weekend away (especially after being told the reason we go is to specifically escape them all for a few days) so not sure that aspect is relevant?

We only have one but stopped holidaying together in A level year- he does his own thing (we contribute £).