Estrangements?

[somuchmissing]

Have NC as I want to protect my DC’s privacy.
This is long, I have tried to break it down so it makes sense.
If this reads as though I am a wet blanket, or too soft, I am not. I’m a Mum, I have always done my best.

DC is estranged from me.
They were messaging me and seeing me days before, just chatty messages about a hobby we share. I had seen them the weekend before that and it was a good visit.

Then suddenly, a few days later they stopped speaking to me altogether.
That was in 2022, they were 23 then.

Until the estrangement we were very close, they chose to do things and spend time with me of their own volition.
Then nothing, silence.

I never abused them, I did not smack them as a child.
As a an older child they often told me how “chilled” I am, though I was never a push over.

I have been over everything in my head so many times. What did I do? What did I say? What could I have done differently?
I’m not pretending to be perfect, I never would, but I genuinely do not know what I did to cause an outcome this extreme.

Some things that come to mind.
Their father cut contact with them when this DC was 11, he met a woman with lots of money and wanted to impress her. A preteen did not fit with that image.
We had split when DC was 6. I tried to leave sooner but there was no space in a refuge, I had no support and my earnings were low because I was making up time, money and climbing back up the career ladder after maternity leave.
Ex H was very abusive towards me, including emotionally. One of his ways of exercising control? To not speak to me in order to make me get back in line (his words).

He frequently told DC that the split was my fault and encouraged DC to physically hurt me, which they did. I can admit that DC injured me quite badly a few times.
On seeing my injuries my boss intervened and insisted I go to hospital.
My GP arranged for DC to have counselling.
The paediatric psychologist spoke with me and ex H separately before seeing DC.
Ex H was so abusive to the psychologist that they refused to ever be alone with him again.

I have never spoken to DC about the injuries, or that time, though I did often ask how they were, whether they were ok, what could I do to make life better?

I have never held the physical violence against DC, they were a child being manipulated. It was not DC’s fault.
Our local Police supported DC seeing their father only with supervision.
Unfortunately Ex H manipulated the Social Worker he can be very charming and he is very good looking as a result, Social Services did not support supervised contact.

DC estranged her partner’s parents too.
Just before and throughout Covid DC decided that they would not speak to them.
When I asked my DC why they were not speaking to them, DC’s reason for it was that the partner’s parents had been “getting on my tits a bit”.
My DC simultaneously put pressure on their partner not to speak to the parents either.
The partner acquiesced, largely to keep the peace, as DC had exploded with rage when the partner (their child) sent their Mum a birthday card.

Outside of all of this my DC is heavily influenced by friends, peers and social media.
I always got on well with DC’s friends and their (now ex) partner.

There is a large movement on social media towards DC going NC with parents, I see this all the time in my profession.
Sometimes NC is absolutely the right thing to do, especially if the parents are abusive.
Assuming, as in our case, the parents are not abusive I wonder whether NC is always the right thing?
People are complicated, families can be tricky. Taking space can be a good thing, but NC is final and heartbreaking.

She sounds like a controlling, violent and generally not nice person. I think that is probably at the root of it. So sorry you're going through this.

They will have their reasons OP

He frequently told DC that the split was my fault and encouraged DC to physically hurt me, which they did. I can admit that DC injured me quite badly a few times.

how old was he?

My ex H? Or the DC? @Throatsoremy ex H was around 40, DC was 6/7

As my post says my DC saw a paediatric psychologist for help to work through it.

and between ages 6-11, when his father became permanently absent, your DS would beat you very badly?

Your DS has one hell of an awful childhood
I imagine it’s all catching up with him now

Your DD sounds quite like her father, does she still have contact with him?

Yes.
Maybe your DS has chosen to go NC with you in order to move on and be free of his terrible childhood. You were not the abuser but you were there, you were part of it.

@Throatsore yes, that’s correct.
Although they stopped harming me around the age of 9, after some time with the psychologist.
As DC was so young they would beat me up though often they would burn me, scald me, hit me with objects, bite me once taking a chunk out of me and so on.
This is speculation though I think this was suggested by ex H. I cannot truly know that.
I really do worry that DC is a lot like their father, ex H has caused a lot of harm, not just to us, additionally I think that the consequences for being like that make for a difficult life for the person who is abusive.

@TomatoSandwiches no. DC has not had contact with exH since they were 11.

I think your poor son had a diabolical childhood

and the upshot is…. He never learned how to deal with relationships or problems.

I really feel for him

let him be

Unfortunately, the damage is done from their childhood. There is no mending that for them. I would leave them be, maybe one day they will come back into your life.

Yeah, the reason being imitating their abusive parent.

@somuchmissing I grew up in a DV situation until my parents divorced and never once have I or my DB ever thought of hurting our mother. Whatever reasons your child has, it’s not your fault they turned out abusive. I don’t really have much advice but I hope you’re okay, this must be incredibly tough on you.

If I were to guess, and obviously it is just a guess, I would think your child was having therapy around the time they went NC with you - they’ve decided (as often happens) with the therapist that in order to heal they need to cut contact with their family.

I am NC with my family because of a horrendous childhood and the behaviour continuing into adulthood.

I will be honest - I think a big problem with going NC is when you have done it once, you start to notice other peoples behaviours that are having a negative impact on you and you end up going NC with them too, and then it becomes hard to know what you are willing to accept and what you are not. Which perhaps explains why your child went NC with the partners parents too. Also there is a possibility that your child was jealous of their partners relationship with their parents.

Your child’s childhood sounds very difficult. Although you feel that you haven’t done anything wrong - that is what has gone wrong. It’s your exes fault for mistreating you, but your child sounds like they have grown up to be a similar person to your ex. From a young age they have modelled your exes behaviour. I don’t think you can unpick that now your child is an adult.

Going No Contact is a social media thing right now. Combined with the dreadful childhood he had he probably feels entirely justified in doing so, that is in no way meant to blame you OP.

One thing I tell myself when my own young adult children seem distant or preoccupied, is my love for them has not gone. It’s right there, nothing has changed, they just don’t need it in the same way right now. Part of loving your child is adjusting your expressions of love and expectations of theirs, to their needs and preferences. I’d write to them and tell them that you’re where you’ve always been, loving them, nothing has changed in that regard and never will but for now you’ll respect their wishes and leave them be but they know where to find you.

@reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson yes, I would never have harmed my parents. Or anyone intentionally.
Thank you, yes it is tough. I feel that it is all my fault.
ExH was never abusive until I was pregnant. Of course, like any expert abuser they never start off in a big way, it’s always a small thing. I was pregnant, thought I might be over-emotional, or overreacting. As it continued and DC was born I stupidly thought he’s worried, he’s stressed, he’s tired.
Then 6 years later we were fleeing for our lives.
As my OP says, we would have gone sooner if we could.

There are other things DC has done to other people, choices they have made too that worry me for the people they are hurting.
Obviously I am very worried for my DC, in so many respects.

I am no NC with my dad op.

I would say from my experience alone, I didn’t fully realise how bad the things were that i was put through at the time of being a child. I only realised once I was in therapy aged 22.

My dad was emotionally abusive and controlling but my mum did nothing to help and has never apologised. So just because you didn’t smack your kids doesn’t mean you haven’t had a really negative impact on them.

@OhDonutsI agree.
I too had considered that DC had therapy and I thought that it was possible they needed some space as a result.
However, they were talking to me on Friday then NC on Sunday. Literally two days later. A good therapist would have worked it through, it would (should) have been a gradual process.
Sadly I cannot unpick DC’s childhood, I would have gone to therapy with them if it would have helped them to live more comfortably (I’m not sure that’s quite the word I am looking for) with their past.

I agree that going NC becomes a ‘thing’. Once you have done it once you could start doing it to everyone who irritates you.
Part of being an adult is learning to negotiate, work and live near people who frustrate and irritate us.
A person can’t go NC with everyone.
Or maybe they can?
No-one, not even the most privileged, can have everything their own way every time.

I’m sorry, truly, that your family is horrendous.
For your own sake and safety I hope that going NC brings you the peace that you need.

For clarity; I have done loads of things wrong, as a parent every parent does and as a human. That’s one of the ways we learn.

It’s not just the way DC has treated me, but the way they have treated others which makes me think that they are a lot like ExH.
And that scares the bejaysus out of me.

@Sequinsoneverythingpleaseyes. Going NC is definitely a social media thing. In some cases it is obviously entirely appropriate, but not all the time.

You can blame me, I have spent 3 years blaming myself. It’s the ‘why’ that is missing.
If I knew why I think it would be easier to live with. Even if the why is Mum you are an insufferable arsehole.

No my love for my DC will never go, it couldn’t.

One thing that does niggle at me is that I lost a parent in my early 20s, when I was away at Uni. They were only in their 40s, no illnesses or concerns. I thought we would have another 40 years. They were larger than life one day and no life the next.
There is so much I have wished I could say to them over the years. I don’t want DC to have those regrets.

Around a year after DC went NC I sent a here if you need me email.
They sent back fuck off which was good of them.

@somuchmissing Reading your further posts, I think the thing your adult child is ignoring in your particular situation is that you have been through so much too. In your case it is not just your child who suffered, you did too - the abuse from your ex, then your child abusing you, then the loss of your parent, then your child cutting you off. I think you have actually suffered more than your child.

As I said I’m NC with my parents, but my situation is different to yours.

In your situation it seems that your child is your abuser (rather than you abusing them), and is continuing to do that in a small way by emailing you “fuck off” when you reached out. Does their Dad still have a big influence on them? I think as long as their dad is in their life you will struggle to reconnect.

@somuchmissing
'going NC becomes a ‘thing’. Once you have done it once you could start doing it to everyone who irritates you.
Part of being an adult is learning to negotiate, work and live near people who frustrate and irritate us.'

I really feel for you - this is an issue with many older parents now and It can come in the form of low contact, very low contact or estrangement. One of my colleagues has likened it to 'cult-like' behaviour that is often exacerbated by social media.

Obviously anyone should protect themselves from genuinely abusive parents but many adult children can become abusive as in this case. Obviously incel culture will have an effect on some men too.
One of my friends going through this found Gransnet very useful - they have a whole forum about it and I think that you would find support there.
Please look after yourself. I read the following article recently - it's truly shocking.
BBC: More mothers killed by sons than by strangers – Femicide Census

The child are 6-9 years old

Around a year after DC went NC I sent a here if you need me email.
They sent back fuck off which was good of them

they went NC with you. What did you expect? Clearly they had a torrid childhood and now want to make as much distance as possible between them and that. And you are part of the “that”

I’m not sure what you mean? OP mentions in her post that they were 23 when they went NC with her

No

6-9 when they were attacking the op