Have NC as I want to protect my DC’s privacy.
This is long, I have tried to break it down so it makes sense.
If this reads as though I am a wet blanket, or too soft, I am not. I’m a Mum, I have always done my best.
DC is estranged from me.
They were messaging me and seeing me days before, just chatty messages about a hobby we share. I had seen them the weekend before that and it was a good visit.
Then suddenly, a few days later they stopped speaking to me altogether.
That was in 2022, they were 23 then.
Until the estrangement we were very close, they chose to do things and spend time with me of their own volition.
Then nothing, silence.
I never abused them, I did not smack them as a child.
As a an older child they often told me how “chilled” I am, though I was never a push over.
I have been over everything in my head so many times. What did I do? What did I say? What could I have done differently?
I’m not pretending to be perfect, I never would, but I genuinely do not know what I did to cause an outcome this extreme.
Some things that come to mind.
Their father cut contact with them when this DC was 11, he met a woman with lots of money and wanted to impress her. A preteen did not fit with that image.
We had split when DC was 6. I tried to leave sooner but there was no space in a refuge, I had no support and my earnings were low because I was making up time, money and climbing back up the career ladder after maternity leave.
Ex H was very abusive towards me, including emotionally. One of his ways of exercising control? To not speak to me in order to make me get back in line (his words).
He frequently told DC that the split was my fault and encouraged DC to physically hurt me, which they did. I can admit that DC injured me quite badly a few times.
On seeing my injuries my boss intervened and insisted I go to hospital.
My GP arranged for DC to have counselling.
The paediatric psychologist spoke with me and ex H separately before seeing DC.
Ex H was so abusive to the psychologist that they refused to ever be alone with him again.
I have never spoken to DC about the injuries, or that time, though I did often ask how they were, whether they were ok, what could I do to make life better?
I have never held the physical violence against DC, they were a child being manipulated. It was not DC’s fault.
Our local Police supported DC seeing their father only with supervision.
Unfortunately Ex H manipulated the Social Worker he can be very charming and he is very good looking as a result, Social Services did not support supervised contact.
DC estranged her partner’s parents too.
Just before and throughout Covid DC decided that they would not speak to them.
When I asked my DC why they were not speaking to them, DC’s reason for it was that the partner’s parents had been “getting on my tits a bit”.
My DC simultaneously put pressure on their partner not to speak to the parents either.
The partner acquiesced, largely to keep the peace, as DC had exploded with rage when the partner (their child) sent their Mum a birthday card.
Outside of all of this my DC is heavily influenced by friends, peers and social media.
I always got on well with DC’s friends and their (now ex) partner.
There is a large movement on social media towards DC going NC with parents, I see this all the time in my profession.
Sometimes NC is absolutely the right thing to do, especially if the parents are abusive.
Assuming, as in our case, the parents are not abusive I wonder whether NC is always the right thing?
People are complicated, families can be tricky. Taking space can be a good thing, but NC is final and heartbreaking.