Do you care if your MIL likes you?

[Babybear260]

I really care to the point I’m having sleepless nights about it. I’ve always shown affection, kindness and love to my MIL. So I know deep down there is no true reason for her to not like me other than I’m my husband’s wife (used to be GF).

I’ve heard through other family members recently that she wasn’t ‘pleased’ about the news of our wedding and pregnancy and another one asked what our relationship was like now.

I was shocked to learn this because I hadn’t felt like there was any tension between us. Having said that, she did look noticeably sad at our wedding, it wasn’t just me that’s noticed, other people have and apparently she was just upset that her son was getting married and not her little boy anymore maybe.

She does bitch / complain about various other family members, e.g her ex husbands girlfriend of 10 years even though she’s been with her own partner 10 years. Her sister-in laws, even a nephew! So I guess it’s in her personality so I shouldn’t be surprised she talks about me behind my back - but as far as I’m aware I’ve done the best I can to be a good daughter in law.

Even before we were married, I’d send her flowers on Mother’s Day, buy her cute Christmas presents. Husband as lovely as he is, is highly disorganised so I always did for him. In fact he’s useless at replying so there was a period where she would always message me asking stuff (she still does) and it is exhausting but I always reply happily so this also adds salt the wound if she really wasn’t happy about me marrying her son. I’m hoping it’s more to do with having an only child rather than my actual personality.

So if she really was that sad at the thought of us getting married, it does hurt me a little. I’m not sure whether asking her directly is a good idea (not in an argumentative way) or to just leave it and not care as long as my husband and I are in love

My husband convinces me she loves me and cares about me greatly but of course he’d say that! Tbh I don’t think he would give it this much thought if my parents weren’t keen on him so maybe I should try and get over it

Honestly i dont value my mils opinions of me. I don't think she is a good, kind and educated person.

I say very little abput myself and let her chunter on about golden child.or her friends i've never met.

I please myself now when she visits because i spent the first few years bending over backwards for little / no thanks "for my husband".
Now i do whatever i want and if she doesmt like it "so what?"

You sound like you've got low self-esteem if you're that worried about her liking you and the sucking up to her with presents and flowers! It's not your job, it's your husband's - stop doing it. Instead, just be friendly and be yourself around her. It's not up to you to make her like you. She either will or she won't. Good mothers make the effort with their children's spouse because they love their children. She won't love you, but in time she may become fond of you and respect you and enjoy your company. But none of this is within your control, so let go of it.

She might have been sad for a different reason and not discussing so as not to spoil the day. Not convinced you were told what you were by someone looking after you. Sounds more like stirring which some people do enjoy and may have used her expression as a reason. Same people probably spread it to other who asked. Don’t be so ready to think the worst if your relationship has always been good.

I'm sad I didn't get the PIL I would have liked.
I tried, like you, for far to long but now, 30 years in, it's a calm acceptance, quite liberating.
I think stepping up for DH actually annoyed them more since it highlighted his not bothered attitude .

You should stop doing all the 'wife work' for your DH though. Your MIL isn't kind to you so don't put yourself out to buy her birthday/Christmas presents and flowers on Mothers Day. Your DH will be getting all the credit and she is still treating you poorly, even if she realises that you are the driver for the thoughtful gifts.

Not married quite as long but this was my sentiment

I didn’t marry the MIL and it really doesn’t matter to me either way

DH handles gifts etc for his side of the family so it wouldn’t occur to me to fuss over that kind of stuff

Also - your DH is disorganised? Or he can’t be bothered and is happy for you to be people pleasing & running around and sorting everything..?

Just stop trying to please her. Your DH can take over all communication, and present buying etc.

And you just drop the rope.

Mine was fine initially. I can’t say we had anything in common so was always strained.
When she realised I was a permanent feature and DH wasn’t moving back home she started being rude and snippy. It got worse over the years and I just stopped making an effort, it affected her far more than me. I didn’t care really she didn’t like me, she was upset she couldn’t control me though. She would have seen much more of her son if she was nicer to me.

DH is always trying to tell me about what a marvellous DM/MIL she was and how much she did for us (can’t think of a single thing) and I just change the subject.

Do any of you have sons?

Have you thought about them getting married and YOU becoming that mother-in-law?

No. But if I did I wouldn’t constantly make comments on DILs weight and try and deny her food and other such batshit behaviour.

I'm divorced but no she was a proper waste of space.

if i were a mil i wouldn't be vile to my dil, though, so hopefully it would all be fine and dandy.

My MIL doesn’t like me. She feels that I have stolen her son from her (despite the fact he was the one who decided he wanted to be as far away from her as possible) and she makes that very clear. I don’t care, I never have done.

That’s what I worry about when our sons get married one day ☹️

if you don't act like a twat to your dil, the chances are she will be fine with you. Or not?

I read your response to this and appreciate you are satisfied that they meant well and I don’t want to cause you to feel unsure about other family relationships, but maybe take what they have said with a pinch of salt.

It irritates me when people let me know similar things about other people, especially if they ask me to not mention it was them who told me. What am I supposed to do with that information other than be hurt by it? They’ve effectively prevented me from approaching the person who has been talking about me so there is no way to clear the air, correct any misunderstanding or do things differently going forward.

I'd be delighted that such a rubbish person disliked me. I'd take it as a compliment.

Give her as much thought and communication as your husband does for your parents.

My two adult sons aren't married but are in long-term relationships with children. We get on absolutely fine because I'm really nice to them and they are nice to me. I help with childcare and don't feel that I need to compete with my DILs' mothers.

My friends who are the mothers of sons all have a good relationship with their DILs because they are all kind and decent people. Just try not be a twat, it's that simple.

Yes, I do. But she is a wonderful person who loves me and would do anything for our family.

If she were a misery who treated me badly, I wouldn't give a hoot what she thought.

I have two. I can promise you I won't be moping about on their wedding day, looking sad for attention.

You don't have to like her, she doesn't have to like you. I don't mean that to be as harsh as it probably sounds.

My MIL and I largely rubbed along well enough. She was a well meaning person and good to us. However, things could get prickly too and I was certainly not immune to, or sheltered from, that side of her either (nor was DH, come to that).

I'd advise you to stop trying so hard and to give fewer shits about it. At the moment it sounds like you are in total people pleasing mode, giving your all etc. Therefore it hurts much more when you hear that she has been making disparaging remarks about you.

You can still be pleasant enough to her without bending over backwards so much. Take a few steps back. It's liberating.

My MIL was capable of being nasty and vengeful so I was relieved that she liked me as it made for an easier life. I hope I was kind to her as an elderly person and am glad she was an affectionate granny for my DD, although I didn't particularly like her.

What’s important is whether your partner likes you. Mine does not like me as much as she would if I was Asian! I really couldn’t care.

I hope to be a great mother in law when my sons get married, but there are SOO many mother-in-law bashing threads that I worry……

Just remember that MN is a place to ask for advice. There won't be many threads telling everyone how amazing their MIL is.

We just hear about the difficult ones.