Do you care if your MIL likes you?

[Babybear260]

I really care to the point I’m having sleepless nights about it. I’ve always shown affection, kindness and love to my MIL. So I know deep down there is no true reason for her to not like me other than I’m my husband’s wife (used to be GF).

I’ve heard through other family members recently that she wasn’t ‘pleased’ about the news of our wedding and pregnancy and another one asked what our relationship was like now.

I was shocked to learn this because I hadn’t felt like there was any tension between us. Having said that, she did look noticeably sad at our wedding, it wasn’t just me that’s noticed, other people have and apparently she was just upset that her son was getting married and not her little boy anymore maybe.

She does bitch / complain about various other family members, e.g her ex husbands girlfriend of 10 years even though she’s been with her own partner 10 years. Her sister-in laws, even a nephew! So I guess it’s in her personality so I shouldn’t be surprised she talks about me behind my back - but as far as I’m aware I’ve done the best I can to be a good daughter in law.

Even before we were married, I’d send her flowers on Mother’s Day, buy her cute Christmas presents. Husband as lovely as he is, is highly disorganised so I always did for him. In fact he’s useless at replying so there was a period where she would always message me asking stuff (she still does) and it is exhausting but I always reply happily so this also adds salt the wound if she really wasn’t happy about me marrying her son. I’m hoping it’s more to do with having an only child rather than my actual personality.

So if she really was that sad at the thought of us getting married, it does hurt me a little. I’m not sure whether asking her directly is a good idea (not in an argumentative way) or to just leave it and not care as long as my husband and I are in love

My husband convinces me she loves me and cares about me greatly but of course he’d say that! Tbh I don’t think he would give it this much thought if my parents weren’t keen on him so maybe I should try and get over it

I'd question why these family members would tell you that.

I wouldn't care about what that woman thought and I'd avoid her like the plague. She sounds awful.

The news about her not being pleased about the news slipped out because they had my best interest and didn’t want me to be around her if she was going to say anything inflammatory. Thankfully she never did to my face so I thought maybe it was an initial reaction to such news. And then a different family member asked how my MIL was with me now (post-wedding) because she just noticed how sad and unhappy she looked at the so I think she assumed there was some sort of tension (to me, there wasn’t) but it did make me wonder because I’ve been to loads of weddings where the MIL looks delighted for her son

OP, honestly, I’d calm waaay down about this, and take ‘love’ out of the equation altogether. You sound terribly anxious to please, and as though you struggle with anyone having anything other than the most positive feelings about you.

Bluntly, you can’t, ever, control, how someone else feels about you. The classic people-pleaser mistaken belief is that you can buy love or liking with services, but of course it’s not true. The amount of ‘love’ you show someone has no bearing on how that someone feels about you. I’d let your DH manage his own relationship with his mother and stop trying so hard.

In answer to your specific question, no. My MIL, of whom I’m quite fond, despite her being a notoriously difficult person, has never been at all keen on me (and DH and I have been together since the mid-90s). We’re very different people, and she’s made no secret of the fact she preferred DH’s previous girlfriend. It’s never bothered me. It would be stranger if she adored me, really. We are only in one another’s lives because of who I married.

Perfectly possible to have a functional relationship without ‘love’.

My MIL doesn’t like me but as I’ve gotten to know her over the years I also don’t like her either. It’s a shame and I wish it wasn’t that way but it is. I think it’s a very common dynamic and as long as you work hard to make sure it’s respectful and DH doesn’t get caught in the middle then that’s all you can hope for.

My MIL never really warmed to me but whatevs. We can’t like everyone. It’s more obvious now dementia is getting her but it’s always been the case. I have enough love in my life; I’m good. We have always been civil and made an effort to maintain wider family bonds and that unites us.

I don’t think it’s particularly unusual. You’re only in one another’s’ lives by chance, like colleagues, but thrust into a familial relationship with someone you wouldn’t necessarily have chosen, and without the longterm ties that (possibly) make you more tolerant of your own parents’ quirks and oddities.

MIL and I only have a functional relationship because I’m a flexible, imaginative person, as is DH. If we both behaved like her, we’d probably have had a feud lasting for years at a time, based on her lengthy, vituperative fallings out with her own siblings and two of her own children.

Th desperation to ‘please at any cost’ is almost palpable in your post. Please get help for this and don’t pass on your insecurities to your children (sorry not sure whether you mentioned you had any or not). She sounds insufferable likely because he’s her only child, but you need to learn to deal with it before it eats you up. One of the best things my DF taught me was “you will never be liked by everyone, never invited to every party and you can’t please all the people all the time” - those words have been invaluable in life and business. If a customer of mine is rude to me-off they fuck. Whoever made up the line “the customer is always right” was a gaslighting dickhead. I don’t need people like that around me, whether they pay my wages or not. I’ve survived for over 40 years in business ans have many friends. I KNOW I’m a pleasant friendly person, so if people don’t like me; it’s their problem.

After over twenty years of being married I couldn’t give two shots to be honest.

in the first ten years I always got a vibe from her and I know her and sil would slag me off or she would tell sil things about us and it really used to bother me

got past the ten year mark and kept them at arms length a lot more which helped massively with my thought processes towards them and realised I didn’t actually like them much either so all balanced out.

in the last five years dh has massively stepped bak because he finally realised what they were like and decided he would no longer tolerate their behaviour and upto now recently we saw them out and about

father in law made an awful comment about someone we all know and I just looked at them and walked away and remembered this is exactly why we don’t see them much anymore

and actually just felt relief that we don’t have that toxic behaviour in our lives anymore.

op don’t let her make you feel the way you do.
I had years of it and at one point we could have got divorced over it because he chose not to acknowledge the toxic ways but I guess he grew up in it and just thought all parents were awkward.

tell your dh that you’ve had family members commenting and asking questions etc and that youl be putting some distance in.
also ask him not to share anything with her about your personal lives

It sounds like MIL’s problem and not just with you. I’d not let it get to you and continue being yourself and as kind as you are, your dc is now watching and they mirror our behaviour. My grandmother was awful to my mother while I was growing up and we had a strained relationship, my mother was always lovely about her and before she died she apologised and said she wishes she’d been a better mil

After 30 years of marriage I still don't know her well enough to know or care if she does or not. Meh.

I never had a close relationship with MIL and it never bothered me. Why would it?

MN seems oddly obsessed with in-laws and extended families though - I never really spend any time with mine and I can’t say it’s caused me any issues. You don’t have to spend time with anyone if you don’t want to.

No, I only cared in the sense that my ex-MIL intefered in my life a lot and made it miserable.

Can’t say I shed a tear when I heard she passed.

She does bitch / complain about various other family members, e.g her ex husbands girlfriend of 10 years even though she’s been with her own partner 10 years. Her sister-in laws, even a nephew!

I cant believe you're surprised she bitches you.

I think I would have done before we got married. 20 + years later I have no shits left to give. She and I have nothing in common. I find her ‘woo’ stuff irritating and her right wing political views objectionable. I smile and nod to stuff she says and let it wash over me. My kids are old enough to make up their own minds and have their own relationship with her now. When they were younger I did feel I had to step in to protect them and I did get upset when she criticised my parenting. I strongly encourage DH to take her out on his own now which makes everyone happier than having me tagging along. I hear what she has to say about her other children’s partners and I am under no illusions that I am exempt from her criticism. If she doesn’t like me TBH I no longer care.

Well i wouldn't have married my husband if she didn't i have no need ro compete in some territorial weird thing that seems popular these days

@ImaginaryAilments nails it with this

"Bluntly, you can’t, ever, control, how someone else feels about you. The classic people-pleaser mistaken belief is that you can buy love or liking with services, but of course it’s not true. The amount of ‘love’ you show someone has no bearing on how that someone feels about you. I’d let your DH manage his own relationship with his mother and stop trying so hard."

Basically there will be people you don't like, not matter what they do/say you will not like them. This is true of you too, there are people who won't like you. I learned this a long time ago and stopped putting time and effort into any person who I didn't enjoy spending time with. After you do spend time with someone work out how you feel after it, happy? Frustrated? Sad? This will help you realise that you do not enjoy her company so stop making an effort.

Maybe refer her back to her son when she messages you. It isn't your "job" this is called wife work, you are responsible for you family and Dh is responsible for his. He can work out what is important, he can put his Mum's birthday into his digital calendar and set reminders on it so it repeats every year and reminds him to shop 2 weeks beforehand. Mother's Day is the same month every year as is Father's Day. He can sort that out too.

Stop trying so hard. Leave them to it.

I should add originally PIL did not like me one bit. However, after about a decade it was all good, I think SIL getting divorced may have helped, sadly. Plus I had their grandchildren, SIL didn't have any. I wouldn't say we were super close but got along really nicely. My sister however has a great relationship with her MIL and all her BIL/SILs. They are all close and spend a lot of time together and I am very envious of that relationship.

Are you seriously saying you wouldn’t have married a man you presumably loved unless his mother liked you?

My MIL isn’t crazy about me, though I’m quite fond of her in all her oddities, but her attitude to me never even entered my head when I was deciding whether this was the relationship for me.

I do agree about the territorial stuff. I mean, DH isn’t some kind of contested territory I’m battling for ownership of.

Well we dont have to be bff's but we get on, to me he is part of her and one of the first things I noticed about him was how he treated his parents and how they treat him and his siblings, my judgement hasn't let me down

It sounds like a family where negative gossip about others behind their backs is normal. I hate this and do my best never to participate though God knows I’m not perfect. I’d agree with keeping things more on the surface and not trying so hard.

I think over a long period of not very deep relationship, a real affection can grow. If you don’t bitch about other people, she may eventually realise that this means you won’t bitch about her. Don’t promise too much or expect too much, but do what you’ll say you’ll do. I agree that focusing on loving each other is a big ask and I wouldn’t worry about it.

My MIL? Fab. Quite a strong character. But yes, I loved her.

I had to earn my MILs affections. She was off with me at first but now we’re 20+ years in we’re fine. She warmed up once I had kids, and doubly warmed up once we lived near to each other. I realised in time it was her, not me. She was frosty with all newcomers to the family and does take time to warm up. It’s her, not me. She lives in her head and spends a lot of time mulling over the things that ‘aren’t fair’ and worrying about becoming irrelevant and no longer needed. This anxiety influences her behaviour significantly. It’s a shame and become self fulfilling - she’s quite childish and hard work at times and we probably do see her less as a result.

OP it’s her not you, be yourself, be consistent, be stable. You can’t control the blinkers that other people wear I’m afraid.

So your DH is your MIL's "mummy's boy". In which acse, anything she feels about you is about that, not you. It sounds like outside of these interfering relatives telling you negative things, your relationship with her on a day to day basis is fine. I'd just stick with that.

My MIL mostly likes me. I'm sure I irritate her at times. (and I like her, and she irritates me at times too). And there are things about me she's not wild about. That's fine because our actual relationship is one of mutual respect and care and we are more than able to spend time together, help each other etc.

This is a MIL thing, not a you thing. It’s ok to be sad that she does not really like you. But just feel your sadness and move on from it. Don’t spend the rest of your life trying to win over this troubled lady.

thank you all - I’m surprised but I guess comforted that this is more common than I thought. I will definitely continue being myself but will stop second guessing everything I do and questioning whether I did / didn’t do something to make her not like me because as a few have pointed out - in life you can never please anyone and if my MIL happens to be one of them then there’s not much more I can do

Yes, DH treats his parents and siblings really well, but that’s an entirely different thing to whether or not I like them or whether they like me!