Sister inviting herself to ds home abroad.

[shuddacuddadidnt]

My sister did my ds a huge favour about thirty years ago, and for this he, and I, will be forever grateful. We have done many things over the years to show our gratitude.

However, she likes 'free' holidays and has a habit of inviting herself plus dh, to stay with any friends and family who live abroad. I've found out that she's been talking to my other siblings about visiting my ds who is married and lives abroad. His wife comes from a culture where hospitality is taken very seriously, and I know that my son would never say no to his aunt.

The dilemma is that I know ds and dil will soon be spending £££ on IVF treatment and my sister doesn't put her hand in her pocket when she and dh visit anyone. I feel bad that I don't want my sister and bil to make my ds feel cornered into agreeing to an inconvenient/unwanted visit.

I have tried to drop hints to sister about booking a tour to the country in question. Is there anything else I can do? I also don't want to upset my sister.

Tell your DS to speak his mind if he is uncomfortable but this is not your burden to bear if your DC are now adults. He needs to speak up for himself and his future family now rather than later but it's for him to do not you.

As difficult as it may be for you, I feel you should let DS sort this one out. I don't think you should get involved if this would be an arrangement between DS and Dsis. There's really nothing you can do unless you want to get involved and risk causing upset.

Your sister is exploitative. A favour from thirty years ago surely does not warrant free holidays now. Someone needs to say something x

tell your DS to be clear and use proper language. In other words he has to say "no" to a visit, or he has to say "we don't have the cash to host you in the usual way"

She did something 30 years ago? how long is he going to be on the hook for this? time he told her enough is enough

If your son and partner are about to start IVF now, would it be unreasonable to say he was a child or teen 30 years ago at time of said favour? And his aunt is still milking it??

I think 30 years is a long time to be beholden to a favour, unless you’re going to tell us she gave him her kidney or something?!

But even if it was that, 30 years is a long long time to still be expecting free stuff in return

My sister isn't transactional. She's personally very generous in non monetary ways, and her help got ds back on the right track after he had lost his way in his teens. I don't even think that she is aware of how she comes across when she invites herself to free holidays. DS will never turn her down, so it's really a me problem in trying to protect him and foreign dil.
And I just wish my sister was more self aware of how she is coming across.

you could... tell her?

Can you afford to give your DS some money to help with the costs of your sister's visit?

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking family if you can come and visit them. That's just what normal families do in my experience.

The issue here is that she seems to expect other people to treat her when she is on holiday.

Your ds needs to use his words. To say (if that is the case). "We'd love to see you Aunty Jane, but just to be clear we won't be able to spend time taking you out and about due to other commitments. You are welcome to stay here (if that is the case) and have breakfast with us, or help yourself once we've gone to work if you want a lie in, but then you'll have to entertain yourself."

or
If it simply is about money. "It will be great to see you, but things are a bit tight at the moment, so we won't be able to take you out and about places like we did last time".

He needs to just use his words.
You need to stay out of it.

"We'd love to see you Aunty Jane, but just to be clear we won't be able to spend time taking you out and about due to other commitments. You are welcome to stay here (if that is the case) and have breakfast with us, or help yourself once we've gone to work if you want a lie in, but then you'll have to entertain yourself."

I like this. My dil has been saving up AL for her IVF treatments, which she is having in another country. It's both the money and time that will be needed to entertain d sister.

I know that I have to stay out of it and I cannot tell d sis directly, as she will be hurt. When she mentioned visiting ds, I did say that she might be better off hiring a guide and driver if she decides to visit.

To answer another poster. There is no way ds will accept money from me to finance the visit. Dear sister and bil are not poor and have just returned from an expensive tour in Asia.

Up to your son? Is your sister in good terms with him?

Was the favour an organ donation? This is the only thing I can think of that would cause this behaviour. Sorry if I’m completely wrong.

So if your DS was a teen when she did him a favour and that was 30 years ago, that must mean he’s well into his 40s now. I think you need to keep out of it. He is old enough to handle this one on his own.

It’s up to your son to tell her . Has he even told you he doesn’t want her to come? Maybe he will enjoy it . But what do you mean ,does she not ever pay for anything at all ?

Would your sister be willing to host her friends and family in return, given you describe her as generous.

If so, I'm not sure she's doing much wrong. Some people are more this way. So long as they understand 'no thank you' when it's said to them then is she really doing anything wrong?

You need to be careful - has your DS said he is unhappy about the visits or are you creating a proxy argument with your sister?

Jeez, your sister is a cf so tell her to not be so grabby and thoughtless.

Well isn't up to your child to say no if they are old enough to live abroad they are old enough to use their own voice and say no

I would say it's okay for her to be a bit hurt. She will recover.
No one is entitled to endless holidays paid abroad by relatives. It's bonkers no to end this because of her feelings.

If your DS was a teenager 30 years ago, then he will be in his 40s now! He should be able to cope with this on his own.

Would your sister be willing to host her friends and family in return, given you describe her as generous.

Yes, she absolutely would.

If your DS was a teenager 30 years ago, then he will be in his 40s now! He should be able to cope with this on his own.

I guess it's me, as a mum, trying to block something negative as you don't stop being a mum when your child is an adult. DS will say yes, regardless of how difficult it will be for him, as she generously helped him to turn his life around when he got in with a bad lot.

Just writing to strangers has helped me, as I couldn't discuss it with anyone I know, as I see it as a betrayal of my sister. It is entirely about how I feel and I have to let DS deal with it. Thanks all for your input.

Talk to your sister:

"DS is so looking forward to you visiting. He always enjoys seeing you and talks about you a lot and your impact on his life. Now isn't a good time as they are going through IVF which is such a stressful time emotionally and financially, and they need to go to ground for a while to get through it. Why not visit him in 2027? They should have some good news to celebrate by then!"

I think one adult can manage to make plans to see another adult without a further adult interfering.

If you son has any problems regarding hosting his aunt, he is quite capable of saying.