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Original poster

Left Out of Son’s Moving to Uni Experience

37 replies

DarkerBerry · 01/10/2025 01:38

Hi All,

I have a 19 year old who left for Uni 2 nights ago but I didn’t get to be part of it.

He initially did not want to go to Uni and told me weeks before the start of term that he wanted to have a year out. When questioned about it, he didn’t have any concrete plans well into August 2025 - only vague ideas spanning from starting a T-shirt business to doing full time work to work experience with professionals in the field he is going to study in. In addition, he had only looked into the degree by searching up a couple of web search pages as research. Nothing more.

Due to this and knowing my son’s capabilities and the unlikelihood of him doing these things, I convinced him that Uni would be the better option for him. Since he was doing a foundation degree, he could finish after a year if he still wanted to change his mind. However he since told me that he wanted to go and had been excited about going as a few of his friends were also attending the same Uni.

So once he decided to go, he was late in sorting out the associated admin but at the last minute told me he would be leaving home and travelling up to Uni within a couple of hours.

I know this is his experience but I can’t help but feel like he packed up and left so quickly. I had the baby with me and he told me late in the evening so I couldn’t go. I felt like he was running away from me. I always envisaged traveling up with him, helping him with his things, perhaps helping him clean up his student accommodation, take along a cooked meal for him, etc.

He has been a little bit selfish (maybe normal teenage boy behaviour) and a little inconsiderate in other issues within the last few months. Yesterday, I found out he forged my approval to be his guarantor - not giving me time to at least have a look through his tenancy. This I told him off about.

He was my only child up until 1.5 years ago (he has a little baby brother) and his father passed when he was 12 yrs old. I don’t want to make it about me but I’ve been looking forward to him going to Uni. However, I feel sad I didn’t get to travel with him for the first time.

I’ll probably not say anything to him to let him enjoy the experience but I do admittedly feel down about it.

Is this normal to feel this way?

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 01/10/2025 01:49

Yesterday, I found out he forged my approval to be his guarantor - not giving me time to at least have a look through his tenancy. This I told him off about.

YABveryveryU that this isn't your focus.

That is outrageous, downright illegal and bloody disrespectful thing to do. And is likely why he was all coy and quiet - trying to hide that he'd committed a fraud that he knows you're unlikely to ever report.

You should be fucking furious, nor a calm "I told him off"

Octavia64 · 01/10/2025 02:14

It’s fairly normal to feel down about empty nest (although as you have a baby it’s not empty) but it’s more unusual to want to share the going to uni experience.

most students want their parents to fuck off as soon as possible. It’s not an experience so much as a lift.

Friendlygingercat · 01/10/2025 02:34

I went to uni as a mature student and thankfully my parents took no interest in it. They didnt even ask where I was living. Once you are a student you dont want parents hanging around. You choose a uni in another city to get away from them.

SriouslyWhutNow · 01/10/2025 02:48

I think you need to get off Instagram, it’s not an “experience” it’s just a long day and it’s not even slightly about you. Maybe he whizzed off to avoid you making it all about you like you did with his career/uni choice. It speaks volumes that you’ve basically coerced him into going to uni and he has just gone on the spur of the moment, and you’re not even slightly concerned about whether getting into £££ of debt on a last minute decision for a not-very-bright child (foundation year) for the sake of going to uni was a good idea. I hope to God he’s doing something with a cast iron employment rate. 🧐

MauriceTheMussel · 01/10/2025 05:06

Is he definitely enrolled?

caringcarer · 01/10/2025 05:08

ARichtGoodDram · 01/10/2025 01:49

Yesterday, I found out he forged my approval to be his guarantor - not giving me time to at least have a look through his tenancy. This I told him off about.

YABveryveryU that this isn't your focus.

That is outrageous, downright illegal and bloody disrespectful thing to do. And is likely why he was all coy and quiet - trying to hide that he'd committed a fraud that he knows you're unlikely to ever report.

You should be fucking furious, nor a calm "I told him off"

This 1000 times. Why did you not report him. Do you want to enable criminal behaviour?

ChangingWeight · 01/10/2025 05:36

So I was going to say this was similar to me & my mum a few years ago…until I got to the guarantor part. I’m not referencing that as a similarity. That’s shocking behaviour from your son.

But just to share my experience to answer your other questions, my dad drove me to university. Although my dad had ample space, I ended up with a lot of stuff where we didn’t have room for all my things and my mum to fit in the car simultaneously. It was a 3 hour drive one way so no point doing multiple trips, which meant there wasn’t a big falling out - mum quickly conceded she logically wouldn’t be able to go but she was upset.

However secretly I preferred having just my dad there & not mum. Dad was practical, in & out, let me play whatever music I wanted, we had a good chat, he got on with my friends who were already there, he helped me get settled but basically left me to socialise with my flatmates. Whereas my mum was trying to make the day all about her, was overly emotional, was overly critical of me, my friends, my life choices, kept saying how my halls
look like shit, frankly she was not always pleasant, was faffing and wanting to dress up to take photos, invited herself to stay overnight and it was just overall too much. She still brings up how hurt she is that she couldn’t come, but honestly it was easier not having her there. I don’t think I’d feel as fondly towards the experience if she was there. Dad was what I needed.

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2025 05:46

Your son forged your signature on a legal document?

I can understand why you wouldn’t dob him in to the police as that could ruin his entire future, but that’s extremely frightening. Why on earth did he feel able to do that?

Iocanepowder · 01/10/2025 05:54

Yeah as PP said, my moving day was about my experience and wanting to meet my new flatmates etc. My mum was a lift. I also used it as a chance to get away from home. And I definitely would have wanted to get out of there asap if my mum had had a baby in my teenage years.

You are focussed on the wrong thing here.

oldclock · 01/10/2025 05:56

Look, you had a bew baby when he was17. He was always going to feel that he wasn't your priority any more, you've started a new round of child rearing. Hope all goes well.

Unescorted · 01/10/2025 06:10

Yep... The "experience" is a lift / removal service. Be thankful that you were spared.

The forging of your signature is concerning... I wouldn't be so sanguine about my child committing fraud. It is not against you but the other party and if they find out they may take action.

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2025 06:24

We are not an Instagram family but we took our DDs to uni and it was a shared experience. We got everything in the rooms, unpacked necessities and then we all went out for a meal. It was lovely.

I can see why your a bit upset op, try to give him a bit of space to settle in and then check in (text/ WhatsApp/ phone call - your usual method of contact) and settle in to a routine of contact that works for your guys.

RampantIvy · 01/10/2025 06:36

I don't understand how he could forge information about being a guarantor. Having been a guarantor for DD for several different landlords/property agents I know that landlords needs your bank details, proof of income and often a scan of your passport. How was he able to get all this information?

The way he has secretly organised going to university seems suspect to me as well. He will only get the minimum loan if he hasn't asked you to complete your part for student finance, and this won't even cover halls fees. Has he got a job? How will be get there with everything he needs?

I'm sorry, but this doesn't add up.

ginislife · 01/10/2025 06:38

I missed out as well as I was on holiday. A holiday booked 6 months before she decided to go to uni. I didn’t even get to go shopping with her for all her stuff as her YPA did it (fostered child, LA paid). I’m gutted, she’s having a ball and I don’t suppose will ever come home permanently but she’s flying so I’ve got to get on with it. I miss her mess 😂

Zonder · 01/10/2025 06:52

MauriceTheMussel · 01/10/2025 05:06

Is he definitely enrolled?

I wondered this.

Nestingbirds · 01/10/2025 07:11

Ask your dh to look after the baby for a few nights, and go up and see him in a few weekend’s time.

Glowingup · 01/10/2025 07:12

Errrr you’re fussed about not helping him pack when he has forged your signature making you liable for potentially tens of thousands of pounds (eg if the landlord has to take eviction proceedings you’d be liable). If it’s private rented and not uni owned you might even be liable for other tenants if it’s joint and several liability. Fucking hell. He’s not “a little bit selfish, he borders on sociopathic I’d say”.

Glowingup · 01/10/2025 07:18

Octavia64 · 01/10/2025 02:14

It’s fairly normal to feel down about empty nest (although as you have a baby it’s not empty) but it’s more unusual to want to share the going to uni experience.

most students want their parents to fuck off as soon as possible. It’s not an experience so much as a lift.

This is true. You do get the clingy ones who hang around for ages, go out for a meal, act all pally with the new flatmates, cry about their baby leaving. Then when they finally leave their little darling reveals that she has a coke habit and a 35 year old boyfriend (that her parents don’t know about). The ones with the OTT parents are usually the wildest.

Zhu · 01/10/2025 07:19

My parents didn’t drive so couldn’t take me. My uncle drove me up there with a box and a backpack and dropped me at the door, didn’t come in or anything. It was absolutely fine. No experience to be had.

If my kids want me to go I will. If they don’t, I’m not going to feel I’m missing out on an experience. It’s their new step, not mine.

Indianajet · 01/10/2025 07:24

It is their experience, not ours. My son went off with a backpack on the train.
Forging your signature is the problem!

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/10/2025 07:24

oldclock · 01/10/2025 05:56

Look, you had a bew baby when he was17. He was always going to feel that he wasn't your priority any more, you've started a new round of child rearing. Hope all goes well.

Bollocks.

Bladderpool · 01/10/2025 07:26

I don’t understand how he managed to forge your details on the guarantor agreement. I’ve done this 4 times and it’s a convoluted process and requires a lot of detail to prove your identity before being passed on to the next guarantor if it’s an HMO.

Can you explain how he did this, how you found out about it and why you’re more bothered about him buggering off without you than him committing serious fraud?

Millionsofmonkeys · 01/10/2025 07:26

This thread is weird.
I dropped my kid off at uni last weekend. Every single kid we saw in his flat had at least 1 parent with them. Every kid in the registration queue was with parent(s).

We didn't wail or cry but we helped DS unpack, went for lunch, took him round the supermarket and left at 3:30pm. Judging by how heaving the supermarket was, this was pretty typical.

I would feel sad, OP, in your position. Transitions are difficult and important. Wanting to see your 18 year old safely into the new phase of their life isn't odd, needy or pointless.

RampantIvy · 01/10/2025 07:26

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/10/2025 07:24

Bollocks.

Show quote history

It might not be though.

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/10/2025 07:33

RampantIvy · 01/10/2025 07:26

It might not be though.

Show quote history

Well anything “might” be happening, but inventing a ridiculous back story with no knowledge of the people involved is bollocks. I’m sure OP would have mentioned if there was an issue between her children.