Left Out of Son’s Moving to Uni Experience

[DarkerBerry]

Hi All,

I have a 19 year old who left for Uni 2 nights ago but I didn’t get to be part of it.

He initially did not want to go to Uni and told me weeks before the start of term that he wanted to have a year out. When questioned about it, he didn’t have any concrete plans well into August 2025 - only vague ideas spanning from starting a T-shirt business to doing full time work to work experience with professionals in the field he is going to study in. In addition, he had only looked into the degree by searching up a couple of web search pages as research. Nothing more.

Due to this and knowing my son’s capabilities and the unlikelihood of him doing these things, I convinced him that Uni would be the better option for him. Since he was doing a foundation degree, he could finish after a year if he still wanted to change his mind. However he since told me that he wanted to go and had been excited about going as a few of his friends were also attending the same Uni.

So once he decided to go, he was late in sorting out the associated admin but at the last minute told me he would be leaving home and travelling up to Uni within a couple of hours.

I know this is his experience but I can’t help but feel like he packed up and left so quickly. I had the baby with me and he told me late in the evening so I couldn’t go. I felt like he was running away from me. I always envisaged traveling up with him, helping him with his things, perhaps helping him clean up his student accommodation, take along a cooked meal for him, etc.

He has been a little bit selfish (maybe normal teenage boy behaviour) and a little inconsiderate in other issues within the last few months. Yesterday, I found out he forged my approval to be his guarantor - not giving me time to at least have a look through his tenancy. This I told him off about.

He was my only child up until 1.5 years ago (he has a little baby brother) and his father passed when he was 12 yrs old. I don’t want to make it about me but I’ve been looking forward to him going to Uni. However, I feel sad I didn’t get to travel with him for the first time.

I’ll probably not say anything to him to let him enjoy the experience but I do admittedly feel down about it.

Is this normal to feel this way?

Yes this. I had to submit financials that only I have access to. Edit: not for guarantor as his dad (ex) did that but for student loan.

Is he even going to uni, do you know which one, has there been any post from the uni since he applied?

This is true - I dropped mine off a couple of weeks ago, she was very grateful for the five hour lift and the help up the stairs with the boxes, but also very kindly clear that I should go off and enjoy my hotel asap.

I think you should be led by them at this stage, it's their experience not yours.

I'd be fucking furious about the guarantor thing though.

His father died when he was 12, there was a new step dad when he was? and then a new baby on the way when he was 16-17. So the last 2.5 years has been you, your new partner, new baby, and him. He's not been sure about going to uni and wanted to stay and do a gap year, but you wanted him to go to uni and persuaded him. Now he's gone on his own and sorted it all out by himself, you're feeling upset you didnt get to share the day with him??
Can you really not see what might have contributed to him doing this alone??

I'm so sorry, that's awful. I wasn't sure about going with ds1 because i was worried i would be emotional and ruin it for him. But ds wanted me to go and my mum said i should so i went and I'm glad i did.

Now he is doing an end of term concert and we can't go because his grandparents have decided they are going and they are our only childcare for the younger ones. Which i am upset about.

I may do that. Thanks.

There's so much ridiculousness in this that it's unreal.

Why would you push a child to go to uni (and all the consequent debt) if they didn't want to?

How can he forge you bring a guarantor just from one signature?

And since when was uni drop off an "experience" for the parent. The non narcissistic parents just help shift the boxes etc into the students room, give them any moral support they need then scarper. It should be about the student not the parent so your sadness should be that he didn't have your support

Thanks for saying so. I thought a couple of the messages here was weird also.

Well it is his experience so it should be about what he wants, so speak to him about visiting him but it is up to him

“Once you are a student you dont want parents hanging around.”

Absolutely this, OP. I don’t drive, so my ex took the children to university. I was sorry about this, but nothing I could do. Arrange to go and meet your DS for lunch - but don’t be upset if he says he’s “busy” - there’s a lot of stuff for young people to get their head around when they’re moving away from home for the first time.
As for forging your signature, I would be absolutely furious - not only is this criminal behaviour, but you are liable if he defaults on his rent.

It definitely isn’t about the parent experience but i do find it very worrying that the OP seems unable to acknowledge that her DS is almost certainly feeling pushed out. He had a very adverse life experience at 12 losing his dad, but then to gain a step sibling at 16/17 is very hard, especially as OP say “ couldn’t go I had the baby” almost certainly not the first time that phrase has been uttered.
You really need to acknowledge and verbalise that OP, or you risk alienating him further.

I think he probably thought he was being unselfish is NOT asking you for a lift when you have a baby

This x1000