I’m 39 with a 20 year old

[Mazz1986]

I’m feeling lost,
for years I wanted another baby,
my husband always had an excuse not to.
now I been feeling so lost, all my friends have kids,
they all seam so busy..
since covid I’ve just lost touch with most of them,
they asked me to soft play last. I would feel weird having no child with me.
i avoid them on social media, Halloween and Christmas is always hard.

what does a 39 year old woman do with their life..
mortgage free, I’ve tried travelling, have a holiday day home. I don’t want anything material wise.

im just bored..
im lost.

surly there’s more to life than this.

I just came out with it today to my husband, he just didn’t understand.
I just wish I had a big family around me.

i would give up all the money that I have to have had more children.

Hello! I didn't want to read and run but can imagine how lost you must feel. I'm sure you'll get a million posts telling you to enjoy your freedom etc but you feel how you feel at the end of the day. Do you work or anything that can help fill the void so to speak?

Can’t relate, 37 with a 21 year old and the thought of doing it all over fills me with dread.

Have you looked into volunteering with children? That’s my plan at least, I love children but not enough to have another one of my own.

Thanks. I work , I have two businesses, but nothing seams to fill the void.

I’m stick with just working late at the moment, and staying in work when it’s not really needed.
I go swimming and visit my patents that’s about it.

Is your dh adamant that he doesn’t want more children? You need to decide if you do. When it boils down to it you can leave him or stay & try to get pregnant by sperm donor if your dh doesn’t want to be a father. That might feel extreme but it is a possibility that you should at least explore in your thoughts.

i have 2dc & really wanted a third but had miscarriages. By the time i was over 40 the yearning diminished significantly-I think there is a natural pull to procreate at the end of your fertile years.

i love my life now. I love my dc but as they have become more independent, I'm out at lots of hobbies & making small connections & feel very fulfilled because of doing pursuits I really enjoy. I understand it’s hard to go to soft play for ages but could you pop in for a quick cuppa when they’re there-you’ll keep the connection with them & knowing you have a short time to endure it may help it pass easier. Speaking to a counsellor may help you to navigate these times, or all your feelings generally.

its a tough situation, if you are time rich, another thing you could do is volunteer for a charity-it’s a great way to help others & feel better. Pick something to try & explore it. I hope you find peace & feel better.

I just wish I already had that bigger family,
I know it’s too late now. I’ve known for a long time
I don’t really enjoy spending time with other peoples kids,
what does a one and done mum of adult children in their late 30s early 40s do with their life.

Sounds like you're not fulfilled. You're mortgage free so it's a fantastic opportunity to retrain in a career you'd love. Would working with children be of interest?

@Mazz1986 travel, work, volunteering (even if not with children), hobbies, book clubs……….

If you’re working and swimming is your only hobby I’m not surprised you’re feeling bored. That is quite limited.

I’m older but it took me a long while to accept that when DH said he didn’t want anymore DC that would be it and I wouldn’t have all the DC I wanted but now, I’m happy and have managed a good balance between work, friends and family.

You do have to work at it though. If you’re struggling to come to terms with how your life has worked out, is Counselling something you would consider?

You do swimming, would you consider another fitness activity like Netball which seems to be quite social or joining your local Running Club?

And can you reconnect with your friends but suggest activities away from their DC? I don’t k le about your friends but mine were always happy to socialise without their DC.

What about further education? Time out to do a degree. Hobbies, exercise, volunteering. All these place you can meet and make friends. I'm 40 woth a nearly 13 yr old. I choose to only have 1 and cannot wait to have more time now to do things I want

It sounds like you need to make more friends in a similar life stage to you.
Outside of kids, volunteering is how I’ve met most of my friends as an adult. Also met a few through group walks/ hikes organised through a facebook group.

Get yourself some new hobbies, expand your social circle. My friends had children a lot later than me (i was 16 when I had my first, though did have another 2 10-14yrs later, but all mine still older than friends DC) but I still like to catch up with them, with or without kids. I do have a lot more friends I know not from kids too, as not always ideal meeting to do young children things when yours have grown up. You’re in a really good position with mortgage paid off. Can you see a life coach? Someone I know did, and she went from being a civil servant to running family raves!! Haha

Actually I think seeing a Life Coach is a really good idea. It will help you work out what you really want to do.

FWIW I had my last baby at 39 and if I had a choice again I’m really not sure I’d do it again. Having teenagers when you’re going through the Peri-Menopause isn’t exactly what I’d call fun.

Fostering?
Travel
Work
Clubs

I’m older by a few years and I have 3 kids but even then the kiddie stage comes to an end. Mine are a bit older and a bit younger than your lad but the issues you are facing still arise, they absolutely do not need me in the same way as when they were small.

What now? It is about figuring out what you enjoy and doing that. I absolutely love this stage. I’ve a good job, very good hobbies, good friends. I would say I know myself well now and I use that to map out this phase of life.

It seems like there's something you're feeling guilty about, undeserving of or deeply dissatisfied with that you are terrified to change. There is something blocking you and the nearest thing to put it on is being the mother of an only child. Is your 21year old happy and thriving? I bet she is, it sounds like you have provided her with a wonderful life.

Feelings are temporary and this too shall pass. You are far from past an age to have more children, but then you say you don't like being around children that are not yours. What makes you think you would prefer being around even your own at this time of life?

You are in such a good spot, I wish you could see it. You literally have your whole life ahead of you. Once you figure out what is blocking you from seeing how great you have it and how wonderful your life really is with a few tweeks, you will look back on this time and congratulate yourself for getting through it.

If travel didn't work the first time you tried, try it again, but try it a different way. Do the things you think you failed at or that failed to bring you the satisfaction or joy you hoped for. Try them again, but don't give up. Wishing you well. :)

Find work that is more fulfilling. Your current businesses obviously do not fill that void but you are young enough to carve out a new career.

Well we have a 19 yr old and I always wanted a large family unfortunately for reasons unknown it never happened. Then suddenly at age 39 I got pregnant and had a single and 40 had twins oh my I couldn't be happier it's filled my life and I've got a brilliant hubby who was more than happy for me to quit work to give my all to the now 3 and 4 year olds best thing we ever did

It’s not technically too late - I had my children aged 38 and 41.

You sound quite depressed and I’m not sure that having a child would fix that - there’s probably some work to do to figure out what brings you joy.

I had years of infertility where I thought I might not have children at all. It was really hard but in all but the very darkest moments I tried to consciously focus on things that brought me joy - our dog, work, friends, hobbies, holidays, DH, house renovations etc. I had to consciously do it, to step out of victim mode and think about how to get through the tough times with purpose and positivity. Didn’t always manage it, but tried hard.

My mother was 39 with a 21 year old when she had me. It’s not necessarily too late for another

You need to make more friends there are lots of an child free or childless and single women in their late 30s

So have another baby.

You're 39, you should still be able to have more.

If your husband doesn't want more 100% and you want more 100% then you're not compatible. Move on, go to a fertility clinic, get a donor, and make a baby.

I would really recommend working on your MH and exploring why you think having a baby will stop you being bored and lonely. If you do go down the route outline above, you’ll be single, in your 40s and there is no guarantee that you’ll get a baby ot that it will he fit and well if you do.

You’ll also be in the position where it’s difficult to go out at all because you’ll have a baby to look after in your own so can’t really see how that will help hpw you’re feeling now? And won’t you jist feel the same again in a few years when the child becomes independent, assuming they are fit and well and aren’t dependent on your into your 60s, 70s and possible 80s?

Terrible advice and I say that as someone whose mother already had a 21 year old when she had me at 39. Intentionally going it alone and ending the marriage over what could be a fleeting feeling

OP there are no guarantees in life, you could have had a big family who never got along and this would have caused problems. You could have another baby and your oldest child could feel pushed out. I think there is some grieving to be done for a life you didn’t have. I think this is a normal part of life, as we build up ideas of what we want or what we think would suit us but that’s not how life works.

Some self-reflection would probably help, ideally in therapy but if not then maybe journaling.
Re-evaluate your work, you could be doing something that feels more meaningful to you?
identify what you enjoy in life and do more of that.
You don’t say much about your relationships with your child or partner but focus on improving them. Spend quality time with them. Talk to DP about how you feel without blame for not having more children, they are not a magic fix!

Also, spend time with your friends. They will become the big family. If not these friends, now is an ideal time to make new ones!