My DS is filthy and lazy

[Blushingm]

He’s almost 24. He does nothing around the house. His room is full of dirty clothes, dishes and takeaway wrappers - it looks like a hoarders house. It stinks.

im away 9 days out of 14. I’ll come back and not a dish has been washers, no hoovering, rubbish everywhere.

im getting to the end of my rope - how do I deal with the pure laziness and the fact he doesn’t think of anyone but himself. He’s even admitted he says he will do something just to stop me nagging

Kick him out.

Does he have a job? A partner?

He has a job - he manages the bar in a local pub

Tell him to leave. He's showing no respect for you!

You need a serious sit down conversation. Lay out what you expect. Ask him to pay rent. If he can't agree, then he has 2 months to find a new place to live.

So he knows about hygiene and time management. Tell him to practice them in his new home.

Clean the room and start having the conversation about why he disrespects you like this. Does he pay rent? If it gets into a state again, he’s got to leave. Why do parents of men put up with this. Why is he this lazy? You brought him up. He doesn’t care for you does he?

Give him notice to move out, he won't get any better staying home, he can find a house share or bedsit and learn to manage his space properly or not but at least it won't be your problem.

If he's got a job then he can afford to leave, OP. He can't just stay in your home and treat it like that. I would give him a month to find a house share. He'll grow up if he has to live with other people.

Tell him what needs to happen and the timeframe in which it needs to happen. and the consequences if he doesn't shape up - i.e. he finds somewhere else to live. Remind him that no one else will want to live with someone with such slovenly ways in the future, so either he lives alone forever or sorts himself out.

The answer is obvious, surely? Tell him he has a month to find new accommodation and don't back down.

He spends his money on fun stuff and his car - he gives me £275 but then I pay for everything including his phone. His tab for the pub he works in was £400 last month

he has debt and no savings at all so if I told him to leave he genuinely wouldn’t have any where to go

i Admit I’ve probably caused this but I’d have thought that he would want mates around etc but he never does - he goes to theirs or they just sleep on the sofa

I disagree with people telling him to get out, there’s a reason kids are living at home longer today. Big sit down talk, tell him what the mess is made up of, ie bring down your dishes, wash your clothes and I’ll help you with the end but to help you feel better. Tell him he’s not a teenager but an adult

Has he ever had to do anything in the house ? As a child or teenager?

He has always been the one to put the bins out but he’s not really done much else - he knows how as he used to clean the air b n b apartment that the pub owns

That's a bit appalling. So He manages food hygiene, waste in various bins, food safety and lives at home like a pig.

He’ll be doing all sorts and then on the come down all day.

At that age I wouldn’t feel guilty about suggesting he moves out.

Exactly

Never too late for a reset.

It’s an informal relationship not a tenancy so you can behave like a householder/his mum, not a landlord. Does anyone else live with you? I set up a ‘house stuff’ WhatsApp chat and gave notice of when cleaning was going to happen. Go in early when he’s asleep, wake him up and chuck everything on the floor onto his bed, get some fresh air in there. Do a quick hoover. Tell him next week you’re throwing away anything left on the floor, and do it. Basically make it so uncomfortable he might actually start looking for a different situation.

Depressing to hear that he’s got debt and is not saving. Try and save a few pounds of what he is giving you, even a tenner a month. I wouldn’t give it to him at the moment though.

I think you can give him written notice that he must leave by a certain date. He will be able to contact the council to discuss housing. If you don’t do something he’ll be living with you for the rest of your life which isn’t good for you or him.

Increase his rent by £400 a month to pay for a bi-weekly cleaner. If he wants to be a pig, he can pay for it. If he doesn't like it, he can sling his hook.

Agree - Tell him he needs to pay for a cleaner and increase his contribution by that amount. Don’t pay for his phone - he’s not a teenager.

Give him the choices - have it clean when I come home either by doing it yourself or paying a cleaner to come fortnightly.

You won’t live like this and the only other option is he leaves.

If he’s spending £400 per month on drinking at the pub, he’s got a serious problem. Sounds to me like he’s an alcoholic. Working in a bar is not the best job for him if so.
I’d personally focus on getting him help for alcoholism and looking for a job that doesn’t involve alcohol in any way.

He’s welcome in your home. His mess is not. He has a month to shape up or you’re going to need cleaners twice a week to fix his mess. £400 should do it. So he can afford it.