Daughter is a party animal

[Imfineitsfine]

As above and thats ok but its impacting our lives in a negative way, probably mine the most as I’m chronically ill.

shes 21 and comes and either wakes us up by forgetting her key, talking loudly blaring music, blantly ringing or coming in our room to talk to us in the early hours or to ask for a lift.
she has at least twice got a lift home with a drunk friend drving and given car keys to a drunk friend to drive.

im at breaking point from the worry and interrupted sleep, I often cant drop back off.
To top it off she just screamed at me in front if builder making things up and exgeratting things about me… she has form for this.

i’ve tried shouting, tried boundaries and at this point I want her to move out which is tricky because she doesnt work full time and is in a low paid job.

I’ve told her from now on she needs to come in by 10 on a week night and she is not going out next weekend but she says I cant stop her.

Any suggestions?

Oh and the night before holiday she was told she was not going out as she will do the usual and I’d end up fatigued but she promised to be back by 10 and rolled in at 1 waking us all up.

Yeah I'd revoke the car and ignore her behaviour otherwise

If she comes home late having forgotten her key, leave her outside. Make sure windows are locked at night, as we're approaching winter now anyway

Dont bother shouting, she isn't hearing, just take action x

You need to get the grounding and curfew out of your head. Neither you or your husband have the power to do that.

You do have the power to lock the door at 10pm though.

Thats true

I’m with @EmmaMaria”….She’s a selfish little madam who doesn’t care about anyone else……”

This is what I’ve sent my DH, will be having a meeting with her tomorrow…

Take her car for 3 months, no using it to practise or if she passes her test, if she follows are rules she gets it back if not an extra week gets added, if it gets to 6 months the car gets sold and she will need to move out ( she will have to find a better paid job or live in) we cant carry on like this and she needs to grow up
Rules are no waking us up for any reason unless its an emergency
Let us know if you are not going to be home
Let us know if you will not be back for dinner
If she ever lies about anyone again in this house or speaks to anyone like that she will have a month to move out
When she is asked to do something it needs to be done that day ie the clothes in spare room, I asked her to put away and stain on the carpet, told her twice to clean it.
If she gets in car with anyone on drink or drugs or gives people their car keys, the car will be sold asap
If anyone leaves the car here, I will take keys until I deem them sober

What do you think? We need to stand together

Good luck with the meeting OP, it can be very difficult sharing a home with adult DCs.

As for locking the door after a certain time, as PPs have suggested, I'm sure she'd just bang on the door until someone got up which would piss you off even more .. that isn't a solution.

Thank you. Its not practical as she would do that and she’d set my dogs off too plus Il leaving her outside.

good luck op, make sure you stick to the rules & consequences though. One day she will thank you for this.

She won't listen to all that stuff about the car, it's too convoluted. She doesn't have a driving licence, so doesn't need a car.

Using a thing she doesn't need as some kind of bargaining chip won't work.

Just sell it, she can buy a car if she ever chooses to get her licence.
Tell her she can choose to live in your house and behave as you do, or move out.

I kind of agree with @ButSheSaid about the car. It’s a very convoluted list, she acts like a tantruming toddler so in a way you need to treat her like one. Short snd simple consequences. When is her actual test? If she doesn’t even have one booked it will be way next year before she can even drive anyway with the waiting lists, so id also sell the car.

Shes got a test in October

Did you have a chat with her @Imfineitsfine ?
It’s tough, you’re walking a tightrope, she’s behaving badly but yet you don’t want to completely alienate her.

Agree the list is too complicated. Just tell her she needs to move out. It doesn’t need to be permanent but I think 6 months of paying rent, bills & food might change her attitude. Can you use the rent money she has paid so far to help with a deposit?

I was going out late at 21 but was at uni & didn’t behave like that when I was back home for holidays.

It is worse now you have said about younger siblings & DH getting up at 5 for work.

I’d be vacuuming & banging against her door early morning if she kept waking me up. I think you’re being too tolerant & she is treating you badly & taking advantage.

Yes we had a calm chat with her and made it clear what's going ti happen if she doesnt follow the rules, she seemed to take it on board. Fingers crossed

You need consequences that are related to the issue.

If you XYZ then I will ABC is what it needs to look like.

For example, If you can behave in a reasonable way which respects others and the property, which includes not crashing around disturbing others sleep in the night, and taking care of the carpets etc, and pitching in fairly with tasks (add or subtract your issues as appropriate) then I will be prepared for you to remain living here and support you for the time being. Or whatever fits your situation.

Dangling the unrelated car over the situation in some ramping up scale of punishment is unecessarily complicated and is teaching her nothing about consequences, although by her age she should really have got a grip of this already.

I'm not sure this will help in the short term OP but this is just what my friends and I were like at that age and now we are all in successful careers (doctor, lawyer, MP, journalist) with families and homes. 21 is basically a kid these days. Take a step back. Try to stop worrying / controlling.