Daughter is a party animal

[Imfineitsfine]

As above and thats ok but its impacting our lives in a negative way, probably mine the most as I’m chronically ill.

shes 21 and comes and either wakes us up by forgetting her key, talking loudly blaring music, blantly ringing or coming in our room to talk to us in the early hours or to ask for a lift.
she has at least twice got a lift home with a drunk friend drving and given car keys to a drunk friend to drive.

im at breaking point from the worry and interrupted sleep, I often cant drop back off.
To top it off she just screamed at me in front if builder making things up and exgeratting things about me… she has form for this.

i’ve tried shouting, tried boundaries and at this point I want her to move out which is tricky because she doesnt work full time and is in a low paid job.

I’ve told her from now on she needs to come in by 10 on a week night and she is not going out next weekend but she says I cant stop her.

Any suggestions?

Oh and the night before holiday she was told she was not going out as she will do the usual and I’d end up fatigued but she promised to be back by 10 and rolled in at 1 waking us all up.

I know and I will hide her keys just in case.

I was partying until i were much older than much older than 21 I'm in my 40s and still do BUT, I lived on my own! Lifestyle isnt the issue here imo it is selfishness. She can't be disrupting other people like this. Time to have real words with her. If she's out later than 22:00 she stays at a friend's.

Yep its not the partying

She has to follow your rules or move out.

I agree, retired party girl here. Her behaviour (minus the drunk driving friends) it’s fairly normal for her age. It’s just horrendously inconsiderate of her to be acting like that under your roof. I’d say my rules my house and if you can’t get your act together find somewhere to live. And until you do get your act together bye bye to car.

just a thought - does somebody you know (not mega close by) have a drive you could borrow to keep the car on. That way she will get a shock to her system when it’s ‘gone’

How does she afford it all on a low paid part time job?

Spends all her money in clothes and going out… its low paid, think above minimum though.

Thats genius re the car!

I'd say that her lifestyle is compatible with yours, you need your sleep, not someone bowling into your bedroom at 3am wanting to have a drunken chat. Neither of you are wrong, it's just incompatible expectations.

There's no point trying shouting at her, that ship has sailed, you need to take action. The penny needs to drop for her that she's got to become responsible for herself, and that includes financially, unless you plan on bankrolling her and accommodating her forever. Sell the car, she's not keeping up her end of that bargain.

She needs to pay rent, not spend her money on partying and party outfits. Give her a date by which she needs to be moved out into a room in a shared house with people her own age who like to party and help her look for places. She will need to find more hours and increase her earnings, she may need two part time jobs if one full time isn't available. This is life, time to wake up. You risk damaging your relationship permanently the longer this goes on.

@Imfineitsfine i too would move the car and leave the keys at a friends . She isn’t responsible enough to drive .
If she isn’t back by 10pm she doesn’t get in and if she causes a disturbance you tell her the police will be called .
She has a month, if things haven’t changed she has to move out.

I would absolutely do this, seeing as legally she can’t actually drive the car anyway without you or dad with her! Why would she give the keys to her friends? They should have their own transport.

Is she another adult child not paying to live at home?
I agree with a pp, sell the car and the money can go towards her first month's rent. Honestly, she sounds spoilt and entitled.

It was her friebds kets that were at our house to her friends car as she was supposed to stay

Pays a very small amount that we save for her… we will be addressing the need to be saving a lot more. When ai addressed rent she said she’d move out if I charge her

You're going to ground a 21 year old? Good luck with that!

I think that your cue to say that 21 is a great age to start paying rent. She can either pay to you to live in a house with certain rules that she seemingly doesn't agree with, or pay it to live somewhere where her party lifestyle doesn't inconvenience others.

Yes definitely give this some thought…
I need to discuss with Dh but this or confiscate car for three months and if follows rules, gets it back or another week added for not
I think the only way she can move out us to get a live in job sadly

In general I agree this isnt going to work

Does she pay rent?

You're no longer responsible for housing her so the situation is that she's a lodger in your home.

I would set out a clear contract with terms defined like the latest time she can come in, rent paid and noise expectations. Make it clear that if she doesn't abide by that she will have to leave.

You can’t tell her when she can and can’t go out but you CAN tell her that waking up others is unacceptable. Why are you saving money for her? Why have you bought her a car?

I would tell her that she either makes sure her lifestyle isn’t negatively impacting others in the house or she moves out. At 21 I shared a house with 12 others and if I regularly woke them up coming home they’d have lynched me! Screaming at you is abusive and I absolutely wouldn’t stand for it and I’d definitely be taking the car away until she’d passed her test. I suppose your putting fuel in it too!

I'm not sure that suspending use of a car that she can't actually drive is the motivator you're looking for....

Seems like problem solved then.

I don't think you can give her a curfew at her age but you can have "house rules" where she's not waking you in the middle of the night.
That's unbelievablely selfish. But she wouldn't be doing it if wasn't worth her while so stop giving her lifts or engaging with her.

If she proves she can be quiet when she comes in the curfew will be lifted but DH gets up at 5 to commute fir a long day, our other children have school and Im chronically ill.

I don't see how you can enforce a curfew. She's a selfish little madam who doesn't care about anyone else.

I want her to move out which is tricky because she doesnt work full time and is in a low paid job.
TBH I think it's time for this. It's not tricky at all - she gets a full time job (or two/three jobs) and if she wants more pay then she steps up and makes an effort to better herself like everyone else has to. She's 21 years, not months.

Give her a moving out date in say, two months and stick to it.

I agree her conduct in waking you all up is awful, but there is so a lot of advice on this thread I can't condone.

If you kick her out when she can't afford rent, you would effectively be making her homeless and exposing her to untold dangers. I assume you still love her?

If you report her to the police, she may get a record and then will struggle enormously to find paid work.

Yes she does "need to get a job" - but it it were that easy, unemployment figures would be very different.

You do need to try to find a way to get through to her, I agree. Maybe, rather than trying to impose "sanctioned", you sit her down, and calmly talk to her about the massively deleterious impact she is having on all your lives? Unless she is iredeemably selfish and evil, surely she will listen....