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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Getting support for DD with moods

45 replies

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 09:12

DD is 20 and a lovely, lovely girl. She’s a hard worker, trustworthy and loyal and I’m really proud of what she has worked hard at achieving in school, college and now in Uni. She’s careful with money, sensible and loving.

That said, she - like DH - has a poor control of her moods. Not temper, but moodiness. She can’t snap out of negative feelings and her feelings spiral to the extend that she’s combative, unreasonable and cannot back down.

She’s lost friends and a boyfriend because of her inability to ‘let go’. Yet, she sees this in the cold light of day and it tears her apart. She asks me tearfully why she’s like this and truly wants yo
change this aspect of herself. Recently, it’s cost her a relationship that she really values and she’s incredibly low.

She’s asked me to help her and I’m not sure how. Can anyone advise me please?

Her hormones are all over the place - periods are incredibly erratic (awaiting a scan, bloods didn’t indicate anything) and her skin flares up constantly with acne and little pimples. Instinctively and without any proof, I wonder if this is related?

Has anyone any experience of this and can anyone make some suggestions please. It’s horrible seeing her like this.

OP posts:

Tracklement · 28/08/2025 09:15

What’s your life like living with a husband and adult daughter like this? it is YOU that needs support you poor thing!

DaftNoodle · 28/08/2025 09:15

It could be PMDD it’s really horrible and really under diagnosed in women. Have a google of it. It may help her to track her moods and her cycle so she can see if they are related and she can then help plan to know at certain times of the month she is going to feel a certain way.

Boxfreshrussell · 28/08/2025 09:18

I think you’re right to explore hormones but I would also consider CBT therapy. Talking to a Bertram person who help her think about situations with a different view point may help. It’s not a quick fix but long term will be beneficial. Sometimes black and white thinking can be linked to depression, anxiety or ASD but it may just be a habit/part of her make up. Age also often helps too, she is young and her brain isn’t fully formed yet. She’s learning and it’s huge that she recognises her own behaviour. Good luck

PaisleyCarpet · 28/08/2025 09:20

Has she spoken to a dr at all?

Pre kids, I had horrific hormonal mood swings that left me initially argumentative and then genuinely suicidal for around a week of each month (I mention due to your comments around periods and skin issues). I had a lot of success from the merina coil, which really helped with the hormonal swings. I became a bit irritable and sad, rather than impossible.

I'd start there and also possibly with some kind of talking therapy.

How're you doing, OP? That sounds like a lot for her, but a hell of a lot for you, if your husband is the same...

blizymitzy · 28/08/2025 09:30

DaftNoodle · 28/08/2025 09:15

I came on to say exactly this.
our dd has been diagnosed with this over the summer and is now on low dose fluoxetine as that’s the gold star treatment for it.
the difference in her is astounding.
no mood swings,no arguments or tears. We noticed a change within days of her starting the medication.She has noticed a massive difference in herself too.
please google it and see if she meets any of the criteria.
dd would be unreasonable,moody and tearful and like a dog with a bone (as my mum would have said) over any perceived slight 3 weeks out of 4 and we could see when her period was due as the week before was the worst then it would calm down once her period arrived but not for long.
i feel so guilty for not taking her sooner as I always struggle with my hormones too but im forever grateful to her doctor as she said within minutes what she thought it was.

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 14:49

It’s you I feel sorry for op

must feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells with your daughter and husband like this

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 16:24

Thanks everyone - this is such a support for me. Lots for me to google (haven’t looked at it yet), but honestly, I have a good life. DH is aware of his shortcomings and will take himself off to get himself out of it. He’s taken years to understand that he has to be left alone to ‘come to’ and it does the trick.

DD is only just reaching adulthood and while I don’t walk on eggshells, I am acutely aware that she struggles with our perception of her. Things must be ‘right’ and she cannot bear to get things wrong (i.e. she smashed a lamp - worthless lamp of little value - and blamed the cat as she couldn’t bare the ‘disappointment’ she’d cause us.

She has spoken to the GP about her periods (hence the bloods and ultrasound to come) but she skirted over the moods apparently.

Thanks everyone - you’ve been amazingly helpful and supportive.

OP posts:

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 16:27

Is she returning to uni soon? In a house share?

If anything is going to make her stop this… it’ll be sharing with others who quite simply will tell her to fuck off either this kind of drama, especially after a few student union nights of heavy drinking

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 16:27

I shared with someone like this
She moved out after two terms and commuted in
basically we had had enough and pretty much stopped engaging with her

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 16:35

Oh dear me, that description matches her to a tee. Even the swollen abdomen. She is tall and willowy but once a month she looks 3-4 months pregnant.

Wow.

OP posts:

Parksinyork · 28/08/2025 16:42

Have either if you considered she maybe ND? PMDD is more common in ND women and the perfectionism set off alarm bells.

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 18:17

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 16:27

Is she returning to uni soon? In a house share?

She is but I’m not sure that this is the answer. She isn’t a big drinker as she always wants to be in control of her emotions but when she is feeling her mood plummet more than a normal boundary, she will quite literally isolate herself until it passes.

OP posts:

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 18:22

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 16:27

I shared with someone like this
She moved out after two terms and commuted in
basically we had had enough and pretty much stopped engaging with her

She has a ‘game face’ and will not under any circumstances show her emotions to peers and even casual friends. She shared a flat in her first year and there were no problems but I can name the times I caught a train to where she is to see her. As we all know, hiding your emotions and putting a face on things takes its toll and she wouldn’t ever show anyone outside her close circle.

Yet, the rest of the time, she’s incredible - excelling, chosen to represent her faculty in her sport, being a good friend to others. She just won’t ever show anyone outside how she’s truly feeling. This isn’t constant I may add - masking is only a few times a month - which draws me to think really seriously about PMDD.

OP posts:

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 18:23

Parksinyork · 28/08/2025 16:42

Have either if you considered she maybe ND? PMDD is more common in ND women and the perfectionism set off alarm bells.

Yes we’ve considered it. She is very measured and particular. We’ve often joked about her (and her Dad) being ND.

OP posts:

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 18:26

Brothisbest · 28/08/2025 16:27

I shared with someone like this
She moved out after two terms and commuted in
basically we had had enough and pretty much stopped engaging with her

To add, the thought of not being regarded highly by her peers fills her with utter dread so she will not show risk exposing them to this mood.

To an extent, she keeps most people at arms length for both their sakes. She almost sees her moodiness as a really guilty secret.

But she cannot control it. She just can’t.

OP posts:

thismummydrinksgin · 28/08/2025 18:34

No advice but my DH and DS are like this, I feel I need to help them too. But have no idea how!

ProfessorRizz · 28/08/2025 18:36

Parksinyork · 28/08/2025 16:42

Have either if you considered she maybe ND? PMDD is more common in ND women and the perfectionism set off alarm bells.

Agree with this. A lot of the ND girls I work with have PMDD - it’s a factor in school refusal. A PP mentioned medication; this would be worth investigating.

Itchyoureye · 28/08/2025 19:31

She has probably learned this to some extent from her father and the fact her mother has endured it - indicates to her that it’s no big deal

Original poster

JamPotJenny · 28/08/2025 20:13

Itchyoureye · 28/08/2025 19:31

She has probably learned this to some extent from her father and the fact her mother has endured it - indicates to her that it’s no big deal

I disagree (and your passive dig at me hasn’t gone unnoticed).

They are genetically the same of course, but the fact that it’s cyclical suggests that this is hormonal which I’ll happily, if not with some relief, explore.

I’ve done enough soul searching thank you, so I’ll ignore you blatantly stating that I’m somehow to
blame.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:

Itchyoureye · 28/08/2025 20:17

So what’s your DH’s excuse

OP this sounds hellish. For you.

blizymitzy · 28/08/2025 21:11

@JamPotJenny
please feel free to message me if it helps.
My daughter is so very different and happier since starting medication as I mentioned earlier in the thread.
It’s honestly been life changing

Abatingnow · 29/08/2025 20:39

That said, she - like DH - has a poor control of her moods. Not temper, but moodiness.

She has grown up around this OP
I wouldn’t be in rush to blame hormones

ILoveWhales · 29/08/2025 20:40

Tracklement · 28/08/2025 09:15

What’s your life like living with a husband and adult daughter like this? it is YOU that needs support you poor thing!

Quite and I do also wonder if it's learned behavior having grown up with a father like that.

Ultimately, she's going to have to learn the hard way. She sees what her moods can do and she's lost a boyfriend because of it.

Abatingnow · 30/08/2025 06:19

ILoveWhales · 29/08/2025 20:40

Quite and I do also wonder if it's learned behavior having grown up with a father like that.

Ultimately, she's going to have to learn the hard way. She sees what her moods can do and she's lost a boyfriend because of it.

Show quote history

There will be a massive amount of this being learned behaviour.

i do not believe this has anything to do with “genes” as the Op says. This is behaviour pure and simple, and completely controllable. If she’s grown up around a father who has a tendency to get moody and hold on to grudges, she’ll be thinking that that is a reasonable way to behave. Her dad found a partner who put up with it. Clearly her ex boyfriend and past friends won’t stand for it.

I feel for her. I would suggest therapy. And if she’s returning to student digs soon… she needs this therapy fast

Crategate · 30/08/2025 06:29

I would also consider ND. some of what you are saying suggests rejection sensitivity and perhaps demand avoidance.

But I also agree that this has been accepted behaviour. My colleague has a husband who isolates themselves with 'moods'. Weeks or months of the silent treatment. It's horrible for her and I would say his behaviour is abusive. So she needs therapy of some sort as well as a medical investigation.

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