Son cheated on girlfriend

[Itcanonlygetbetter72]

Firstly, apologies if incorrect thread.
Our Son ended his relationship with his girlfriend after 3.5 yrs
they were a solid unit no indication of any issues, living their best life, good jobs/planning their future/ 6 holidays a year.

we couldn’t understand it. She had become a huge part of our family the perfect DIL that you would want. She was devastated as were we.
he realised his error and attempted to reconcile after 2 weeks. She quite rightly said no. He tried again after 6 weeks again no.

it transpires he cheated on her with his friends sister, an ego trip nothing more. We only found this out after he tried to totally discredit his ex girlfriend until I messaged her asked her if certain things were true. I am devastated to not have her in our lives, my Sons seems to not acknowledge what he has done and now seeing another girl even though he said he still loved his ex girlfriend 5 days ago.

I feel at a complete loss/angry and living in hope he comes to his senses. We have lost a very good friend both the ex girlfriend and her dad due to his lies and I can’t quite get my head around it.

if you have been there does it get better ?

I was that girl. The male cheated on me, and then cheated again on OW. You can disapprove of your son’s actions and miss her, but let her go. He’ll always be your son but she doesn’t have to keep a relationship with a shit.

They were together for 3.5 years and you clearly liked her very much so yes, you’re going to be sad. But, you will all move on.

This may be viewed as interfering by some people, but our family talks openly about how to treat others/how we expect to be treated. If my DS did this, both DH and I would probably separately talk to him about his behavior -and then draw a line under it.

It's normal to get close to families when in a relationship and in that sense we do morn a loss. Being completely honest, I have missed my ex's family. I got on well with both my ex's mum, I enjoyed their company, I enjoyed doing things with the family. It was a shame when it all stopped but of course it will. Be kind to yourself, you're allowed to grieve not having someone around that you liked.. and even more frustrating recognising it was your son's doing.

Yes, unfortunately you’ll just get a bunch of unhinged comments from weirdos saying that it’s none of your business or you shouldn’t care or whatever. They’re either trolling or they don’t have any experience/understanding of relationships and family life.

It’s absolutely normal to be disappointed in your son, to miss the young woman that was clearly a part of your family, to be confused and angry, and to wonder what the hell he thinks he’s doing. It would be strange if you didn’t feel that way.

I understand @Itcanonlygetbetter72 and if does get better.
I don't know how pp are saying it's weird - she became part of your family and you are now grieving the loss of the relationship you had with her. Not weird at all.

Being honest I felt anger towards my ds who had initiated the split, that he had caused us as a family and caused me to lose an important and valued relationship. And the hope of the future with her in our family.

I never showed or expressed this anger, and I supported him fully as I knew it wasn't about me, but I guess that's what collateral damage is.

Since then I've been less involved with any of my dcs partners, it's hard because I am a welcoming person but I don't want to go through that again unnecessarily!

I get it op. It is difficult when your children split up with someone you have really came to like and who have been apart of your family for years.

This is mn though where people think everything anyone does is wrong, if you posted you didn't care they'd split up and would be happy to never see her, you'd be wrong. You post your upset she won't be in your life anymore, you're wrong.

Ignore them and know that it's normal to feel upset you wont have someone you like no longer in your life. Theyl move on to the next thread to tell the next person they're wrong.

Hi OP,

I've never experienced this but I can understand where you're coming from because you have been very open.

It was okay to form an attachment to what sounds like a very lovely person.

It's unfortunate what happened, and I think the best thing you can take away from this is to hope that your son understands that, if he cheats in future, he hurts the whole family. It's not just him, or who he is with, but the rest of the family, too.

I have been married over 20 years. If my husband cheated on me, my MIL would be devastated to lose me. I know I'm 20 years, versus your sons 3, but the attachment and dynamic has been rocked, due to bad actions on the part of your son and which you had no part of, so no need to pretend that it didn't hurt you.

I think you have to maybe try to not get as attached to the next g/f, in case your son decides to repeat actions, but hopefully he's learned and you can all move on if current gf decides to move on, too.

Best of luck!

You sound far too involved in your son's relationship. Leave them as adults to sort things out or not as they choose. It is nothing to do with you.

Wise advice

@Itcanonlygetbetter72 You, I, and a handful of other Mumsnet posters are emotionally sophisticated, whereas the average Mumsnet poster is just angry. I thought this would be a more supportive platform given that it's mainly mums on here - how wrong I was.

Anyhow, you have every right to feel loss. You welcomed someone into your family and you loved them! This makes you a good human. God knows what your son was thinking. He will no doubt feel the loss for a long time. Hopefully, he's learned something from this, and if he chose one partner whom you loved, who's to say he won't choose another?

I don't think it's odd to message his now ex-girlfriend at all. You needed to double-check what he was saying, because it didn't ring true. You didn't blindly believe your son, you sought out the facts. It will no doubt mean a lot to her that you got in touch and asked for her side, and it may help her move on because she's been able to tell her version of events.

In answer to your question, yes, it will get better, just like any loss. You have to grieve first, though, so allow that. I hope you all find peace quickly.

Are you sad to lose contact with her dad too?

Thank you @LemonTraybake for your kind words. You along with the other positive posters have made me feel better this morning.

How old are they?

What a strange question

21
had plans for next 18 months
both discussing first home purchase him more than her/a stack of booked holidays as well.
he admitted (once she found out) it was ego that got the better of him. It was very stupid if him as she is no longer on the scene the girl he cheated with.
as I said the fact he lied about her and what had been said to make us dislike her is what has shocked us.

@Absentmindedsmile a strange question
we miss both the girlfriend and her dad, we saw him every few months for dinner etc
he was very kind to my son. God knows why.

op sounds like a woman who supports women. Just because he’s her son doesn’t mean he can cheat and not acknowledge wrong doing. Good on you OP.

As the mother of two young women one of whom has just had her heart broken by a young man who has done something very similar (and is now trying to talk his way back in) I thank you OP x

@Shewasafaireh
Not at all. OP mentioned the dad in her original post. I thought that unusual.

‘We have lost a very good friend both the ex girlfriend and her dad due to his lies’

@Ineedaweeinpeace thank you. His ex girlfriend is someone’s daughter/granddaughter/best friend just as I once was. We wanted to make her feel welcome here, we are loving and kind family.
we became friends with the Dad to give him assurance his daughter would be treated with kindness when she was here.
you are right his my son but I’m disgusted he could do this to another person re the cheating and even more angry he tried to discredit her and her dad in order to hide the truth.
I hope your daughter is ok.

The sad thing is that all the men who cheat and treat women and girls badly, are someone’s son. It’s not nice to know it’s yours but it is whatever is. I’m sorry.

I think you sound lovely OP. I have been the DIL on this situation and it was awful - I really missed his mum after we broke up but he was stalking/harassing me and in the end I had to block the whole family as I didn't know what was getting back to him and I needed him to leave me alone. I still think of her very fondly and hope she's happy (her husband/ex's dad was a sexist dickhead who had multiple affairs and I hope she got away from him and found someone who deserved her). I wish I had managed to keep in touch with her somehow but couldn't see a way to do it at the time. I suspect this woman may well feel the same and if you keep the lines of communication open without any pressure then perhaps after some time has gone by there'll be an opportunity for you to build a separate friendship with her. It is really sad when something like this happens but regardless of what happens next, remember that she was lucky to have such a wonderful MIL in you and that you were lucky to have her too, even if it turned out to be not forever like you'd hoped.

I've been in similar. My son is now with a different woman, and I believe he has matured. I'm still disappointed that he could do such a thing but we don't talk about it.

I suspect that you are of a certain age, much like myself. (Not old. Mid 60's) But I realised very early on with my now grown up children. Never interfere in thier relationships. You will run the risk of not only losing the ex girlfriend etc. But your child and possible grandchildren. Even when it's your child to blame. Don't offer an opinion. Just listen. It is really truly nothing to do with you. Just be as welcoming as possible to the new girlfriend. At the end of the day. Your son was unfaithful. If his much loved ex let him get away with it once. It's more than likely he will do it again. The ex girlfriend it wise to not have him back. This is painful I undertand but true and you have to accept these things.

I’ve been in exactly the same situation with one of my sons. It’s been very difficult to deal with the cheating, especially when it happens repeatedly with each girlfriend. Every time there’s a new gf I’m told this time it’s different, but it isn’t. Each girlfriend knows his history and thinks they can change him. In nearly all cases, the girlfriends have been lovely girls, friendly and kind and I’ve welcomed them as part of the family. My daughter has bonded with them too and then, before you know it, it’s all over and there’s someone new on the scene. I’ve started distancing myself, as has my daughter, but then the gf must wonder why I’m a bit distant and that’s not easy to handle. In a number of cases, they’ve started talking about settling down and having babies etc and it makes me sad to think they’re invested in something that may well not work out.

I do love my son, but I hate this behaviour and I can’t see him changing.

Mumsnet is so weird. Your son’s partner is part of the family for years and the relationship breaks up, according to MN, if you’re upset, you’re ’too invested’. 😳

Break ups are very hard to navigate and you’re right, your son has behaved horribly. It doesn’t sound like it’s fixable but good on the ex gf for having such great boundaries. If you miss her, you could always arrange to have a coffee. You’ll probably find that as she begins to recover from the awfulness of it all, your relationship will naturally phase out.

I was in a similar situation some years ago. I was part of the family for several years and separating from them adding extra grief to the process. They wanted to meet up and we did a couple of times but once I started to get over it, I didn’t feel the need to do that anymore. The contact just naturally dwindled away.