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Parents of adult children

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My 18 year son is refusing to move

75 replies

QuaintOtter · 03/08/2025 14:31

Partner bought a shared ownership home solely in his name nearly 4 years ago. We have been suffering Anti Social Behaviour from neighbours for 3 years. I’ve reported to their housing association and police but they have not done anything. This year things have escalated every time we go outside front door we get insulted, verbally abused and harassed by a group of housing association tenants that lives opposite. A month ago my eldest son got assaulted by one of them all evidence on cctv still awaiting investigation by police. I have 2 children my 18 year old and 15 year old. We all decided we want to move away from these neighbours. A property has came up out the blue to rent and available to move straight into whilst we can put the shared ownership house straight up for sale. The only trouble is the property to rent is 5 miles away happens to fall into a different county and my 18 year old is refusing to move because it’s 5 miles away, he says he has all his friends here and his apprenticeship job he would move house but only in this area not 5 miles away. I understand about friends and job but I bought him a car and he’s passed his test. I was thinking of our quality of life to get away from the toxicity of neighbours but my 18 yr old says he won’t come he will work something out or ask his dad who hasn’t had contact with him for about 9 years. I just don’t know what to do for the best. My 15 year old I can drive to and from school he will be in year 11 gcse time he wants to get out from the toxicity and understands I can drive him to friends and school etc. Any advice I’d be so grateful for

OP posts:
Justwrong68 · 05/08/2025 10:45

It sounds like he’s scared of change. Tell him firmly but nicely that it’s going to happen, it’s not optional.

rainbowstardrops · 05/08/2025 10:50

You need to sell up because you’re all miserable where you are. So he either comes with you, or he finds himself somewhere else to live. End of.

HauntedHero · 05/08/2025 10:56

5 miles is a bit of a trip if he just got his driving license.

Anyone who thinks 5 mile is a bit of a trip isn't safe to be driving imo!

I drove to the next nearest town 7 miles away on my first driving lesson

godmum56 · 05/08/2025 11:24

Straight after I passed my test, I was driving 18 miles to my job and 18 miles home plus driving within the job. Its his choice but don't let his unreasonableness stop you moving.

Firethehorse · 05/08/2025 12:32

Of course it would be best for everyone to move OP but I’d be concerned for the partners property if the neighbours are as bad as you say. With the police involved won’t you have to declare the assault to perspective buyers too? Or will just you buy the new property so you don’t need to wait to sell to buy? In either case your son does not get to make this decision.

godmum56 · 05/08/2025 12:47

Firethehorse · 05/08/2025 12:32

Of course it would be best for everyone to move OP but I’d be concerned for the partners property if the neighbours are as bad as you say. With the police involved won’t you have to declare the assault to perspective buyers too? Or will just you buy the new property so you don’t need to wait to sell to buy? In either case your son does not get to make this decision.

I think its an HA rental.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/08/2025 15:09

Ask him if he's happy for you to turn his room in the new house into a walk-in wardrobe seeing as he won't be coming.

Blablibladirladada · 05/08/2025 19:46

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 04/08/2025 21:07

Five miles a bit of a trip? Oh come on.

Every day, twice a day for a new driver…yes it can.

for a good driver and experimented…just very normal. But we aren’t talking about anyone else than how and why he feels like that?

Veryvulture · 06/08/2025 11:32

You need to move. Bad neighbours have such a horrible insidious affect on your wellbeing. I’m just about to sell my house because of it. At 18 he’s an adult and can make his own choice to come with you, or sort himself alternative accommodation.
However I would explain to him that’s he’s being a bit silly, he has a car, and can drive, 5 miles is nothing! My 18 year old isn’t overly happy at how far we are moving, but she has a car and drives so I’m not that bothered about her opinion! She could move out anytime and we’d be left here where I don’t want to be. What if he decides he’s moving out in a month anyway?

deadpan · 08/08/2025 14:24

Your 18 year old will hate you for a while but he'll get over it eventually. It'll feel like it's going on forever and then you'll suddenly realise he's forgotten he's angry.

Tipeetommeey · 08/08/2025 16:25

5 miles is literally up the road. Tell him to get a grip

Tipeetommeey · 08/08/2025 16:28

Blablibladirladada · 04/08/2025 20:27

As he is 18, he can move where he wants. You should do what you need to do meaning provide for him a good place to land.

5 miles is a bit of a trip if he just got his driving license. I understand his mixt feelings. But he can’t dictate what you should do though.

It really really isn’t

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 16:35

Blablibladirladada · 05/08/2025 19:46

Every day, twice a day for a new driver…yes it can.

for a good driver and experimented…just very normal. But we aren’t talking about anyone else than how and why he feels like that?

shorter than that he could walk it! Honestly as soon as I had passed my test I was doing twice that a day plus driving for the job as well.

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 17:49

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 16:35

shorter than that he could walk it! Honestly as soon as I had passed my test I was doing twice that a day plus driving for the job as well.

There is always one…

or two.

Seriously, I just voiced that for a new driver to be expected to drive back and forth everyday plus everytime he wants to go somewhere might feel a bit much and all the “I did it” comes out the mumsnet wood. I may be wrong and he doesn’t feel like that or maybe …maybe he is anxious about it. And no, no “com’on it is easy you lazy youngster” will make it seems easier.

If he finds it no problem and just refuse, that is a very different story.

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 18:08

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 17:49

There is always one…

or two.

Seriously, I just voiced that for a new driver to be expected to drive back and forth everyday plus everytime he wants to go somewhere might feel a bit much and all the “I did it” comes out the mumsnet wood. I may be wrong and he doesn’t feel like that or maybe …maybe he is anxious about it. And no, no “com’on it is easy you lazy youngster” will make it seems easier.

If he finds it no problem and just refuse, that is a very different story.

so what other option does he have?

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 18:13

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 18:08

so what other option does he have?

Receive encouragements is not an option I take it?

I mean, he didn’t take his mum’s place, neither chose the neighbor, is not the aim of the problem but has a major change happening so yeah…he is allowed to be grumpy and voice it. He still needs to do what he needs to do so if he wants to keep his job : going in is a good idea. If he wants to keep his friends : going and see them is another good idea.

Starlight7080 · 08/08/2025 18:17

Move. You need to get away from them.
I bet your 18 year old moves in with you before long.
They will click how hard it is to rent . And friends will get sick of him staying quickly.
Just set his room up for him in new house .

Starlight7080 · 08/08/2025 18:18

Plus 5 miles is nothing he is being dramatic

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 08/08/2025 18:33

Why is this even a question?

He can refuse all he likes but he doesn’t get to dictate to the rest of the family - it would be different if you were all entering into a discussion about a house move/major holiday

There are some circumstances where the responsible adults make decisions for the great good of the family

As others have said he steps up as an adult or acknowledged is still dependent on you for a home etc….he has a car fgs!

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 19:16

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 18:13

Receive encouragements is not an option I take it?

I mean, he didn’t take his mum’s place, neither chose the neighbor, is not the aim of the problem but has a major change happening so yeah…he is allowed to be grumpy and voice it. He still needs to do what he needs to do so if he wants to keep his job : going in is a good idea. If he wants to keep his friends : going and see them is another good idea.

he absolutely is allowed to feel grumpy and voice it.....but that won't change his choices.

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 19:20

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 19:16

he absolutely is allowed to feel grumpy and voice it.....but that won't change his choices.

No. That won’t. I just found the other posters kinda harsh and I wasn’t sure he deserved it or that it would be helpful to make him feel worse.

So to go back to the op. And as I said, he doesn’t get to choose or interfere with her choice.

Ponderingwindow · 08/08/2025 19:56

I don’t understand this at all. I go that far to get groceries. Dd goes that far to get to school. It’s barely a move.

gamerchick · 08/08/2025 20:01

You have to let them figure things out for themselves OP. Move as if he's coming with you and he can follow on later if he wants. Sort his room out and let him figure it out.

Mischance · 08/08/2025 21:06

Tipeetommeey · 08/08/2025 16:25

5 miles is literally up the road. Tell him to get a grip

Indeed so! Where I live it is 16 miles to the nearest town. Five miles might just get you to a village shop!

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2025 19:31

QuaintOtter · 03/08/2025 15:26

@AnnaQuayInTheUk yes he passed his test and I bought him car

He needs to grow up and realise that 5 miles is no distance at all

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