DS 23 is rewriting history

ForFunGoose · 2025-07-29T06:10:56+00:00

DS has recently been diagnosed with adhd It came as no surprise but he had resisted testing previously because he didn’t want a label. He has a cousin who he really dislikes with adhd and I think he didn’t want to be like her. He has been really challenging the last 10 years, since puberty. At every crisis he was met with empathy and sometimes frustration. He has had numerous counselling sessions at his most difficult times. He was very volatile emotionally and once or twice in late teens violently with his dad(we are married). We have supported him through school and a degree course. He has lived out of home in the last year paid by us, it was our choice that he live out, he is not easy to live with. Since his diagnosis (we paid for test, follow up appointments and medication)he has been very angry with us. Saying his volitility, anger, bad habit , bad attitude was not his fault. He now wants to move home because he doesn’t like his house. We had him home this week for a break and it’s not going well at all. How do I navigate this? Thanks

rubyslippers · 29/07/2025 07:17

You don’t have him back home
whats his plan for work / earning a living? His behaviours are also his responsibility - not sure violence is excusable in spite of a diagnosis
he’s going to have to face up and find ways to manage through drugs and or counselling

Original poster

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 07:22

His plan is to do a 2 year masters and continue in his part time job. He is in no hurry to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

He is always in victim mode and meets us with only issues and complaints about his life.

What Is the best way to communicate that he needs to stay living out and taking responsibility for himself.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/07/2025 07:23

Well you don’t have him back for one thing. That’s not even on the table for discussion. He’s an adult now, and there’s no point in all of you being miserable. Decide how you can help in other ways. Having ADHD doesn’t in itself make you a badly behaved brat, he needs to grow up and manage his challenges in life like we all do (and yes, I do understand). I would be telling him straight, in a constructive manner, just not accepting of the victim mode at all. There are a lot of strengths in having ADHD, he should be focusing on using those, just saying..

Letstheriveranswer · 29/07/2025 07:34

By 'he wants to move home' do you mean he wants a different house, or he wants to move back home with you? My reply is assuming it's about him moving back in.

The anger since diagnosis is probably part of a process of him coming to terms with it. Show him the book The Chimp Paradox. It is not his fault his brain is like that, but it is his responsibility to learn to manage his brain and that is what will help him succeed in life. CBT could also help with tools to manage himself.

I have a DS like this but a few years older. He hit rock bottom and moved back in, under firm boundaries on behaviour, finances, taking medication and engaging with therapy. He recognised it was an opportunity to turn his life around. To be honest the first few weeks / months were really hard, he was totally stressed out from the move and the hole he had got himself into. Over time the calm stable environment at home helped, along with his determination to change, and he is so much better.
When he moves out it will be a hard period for him again as he will have to create his own calm, regular environment to help him self regulate.

I put him in a room downstairs so when he is late night cooking in not woken by him going up and down stairs and using the upstairs toilet. It means I've lost the living room and instead made a sitting area upstairs, but a year or two of that as a last push to help him was worth it. Depending what the conflict points are when your son is home, can you look at ways to set the house up to avoid them, like I have?

Your son is 23, it's still very young in terms of brain development. It does sound as though you throw money at the problem to try and help, but he may also have the rejection sensitivity of ADHD and needs his parents love. I fully understand that it is not easy to let yourself be close to someone who gets angry and abusive, so you need to lay down strong clear boundaries on his behaviour and be clear on that.

rubyslippers · 29/07/2025 07:36

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 07:22

His plan is to do a 2 year masters and continue in his part time job. He is in no hurry to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

He is always in victim mode and meets us with only issues and complaints about his life.

What Is the best way to communicate that he needs to stay living out and taking responsibility for himself.

Is he funding the masters?
at 23 and with a degree you e already helped pay for etc this should be on him
Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all do what we wanted and only work p/t and study because that is what we wanted
he needs to have some really firm boundaries from you
hes an adult

Motheranddaughter · 29/07/2025 07:43

Supporting him through school and university is fairly standard surely?
IMO continuing to support them in the early years after Uni is ok if they need it,particularly with his diagnosis
And all my DC will always be free to’ come home’
You need to discuss with him the transition to full adulthood and what you are and are not willing to do

chatgptsbestmate · 29/07/2025 07:43

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 07:22

His plan is to do a 2 year masters and continue in his part time job. He is in no hurry to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

He is always in victim mode and meets us with only issues and complaints about his life.

What Is the best way to communicate that he needs to stay living out and taking responsibility for himself.

Can you talk to him?
If not, I'd email him explaining that you are happy to help him find somewhere new to live, but you won't be paying any money towards the new home and he can no longer live at the family home

Motheranddaughter · 29/07/2025 07:45

Yes ,send him that email if you want to permanently damage the relationship 🤷‍♀️

Letstheriveranswer · 29/07/2025 07:46

Have read your follow up post. If your son is not at the point where he is prepared to work on changing and if he is just looking for an easy life, and you don't want him back home, then find out why he doesn't like his house? Is he living alone / lonely? What is your exit strategy from paying for his house? Does he understand at some point he has to earn enough to pay his own way? He still needs to work on managing his own brain but may need some support in how to do that.

I made the decisions I did because my son would probably be dead if I didn't, so I was willing to handle a few meltdowns and anger outbursts, as difficult as they were. And he was wanting to change, my job was to enforce boundaries and written conditions on him moving back so he had no choice but to stick to his good intentions.

Noshadelamp · 29/07/2025 07:46

What's the reason he wants to move back home rather than find new accommodation?

Is he struggling with taking care of himself?

One of my dcs has ADHD and all the life admin and daily chores gets on top of her.

We've set up a home delivery for her food shopping so she can use it withiut roo much mental load when she's feeling particularly overwhelmed.
She used to being her washing home until she changed universities and was too far away.
We've set up her phone with all sorts of reminders - pick up prescriptions, pack up and post returns, vacuum etc

We often body double over facetime, eg folding laundry and dealing with a backlog of mail.

So I'm wondering if there's a way to provide and encourage more support like this to help him live independently.

AgnesX · 29/07/2025 07:47

Letstheriveranswer · 29/07/2025 07:34

By 'he wants to move home' do you mean he wants a different house, or he wants to move back home with you? My reply is assuming it's about him moving back in.

The anger since diagnosis is probably part of a process of him coming to terms with it. Show him the book The Chimp Paradox. It is not his fault his brain is like that, but it is his responsibility to learn to manage his brain and that is what will help him succeed in life. CBT could also help with tools to manage himself.

I have a DS like this but a few years older. He hit rock bottom and moved back in, under firm boundaries on behaviour, finances, taking medication and engaging with therapy. He recognised it was an opportunity to turn his life around. To be honest the first few weeks / months were really hard, he was totally stressed out from the move and the hole he had got himself into. Over time the calm stable environment at home helped, along with his determination to change, and he is so much better.
When he moves out it will be a hard period for him again as he will have to create his own calm, regular environment to help him self regulate.

I put him in a room downstairs so when he is late night cooking in not woken by him going up and down stairs and using the upstairs toilet. It means I've lost the living room and instead made a sitting area upstairs, but a year or two of that as a last push to help him was worth it. Depending what the conflict points are when your son is home, can you look at ways to set the house up to avoid them, like I have?

Your son is 23, it's still very young in terms of brain development. It does sound as though you throw money at the problem to try and help, but he may also have the rejection sensitivity of ADHD and needs his parents love. I fully understand that it is not easy to let yourself be close to someone who gets angry and abusive, so you need to lay down strong clear boundaries on his behaviour and be clear on that.

Excellent read, not just for people with ADHD etc but for anyone struggling in work or life with other people.

Steelworks · 29/07/2025 07:47

Let him move out.

How is he going to pay for his living, rent etc?

ittakes2 · 29/07/2025 08:05

we have a lot of adhd in our family including me - I noticed my son (who has adhd) has a bit of blaming others for his adhd related behaviour. I suspect this is wrapped up in poor self esteem for adhd males - ie ego is fragile so can’t accept anymore ‘failures’ sort of thing so project onto others
he needs the right counsellor to help him see his behaviour for what it is - although sorry I don’t know how you go about that

FumingTRex · 29/07/2025 08:15

It isnt his fault he has ADHD though is it? You say he is rewriting history. I would say he is reinterpreting history with the knowledge that he has a chemical imbalance in his brain . It sounds like all of you need to come to terms with the diagnosis.

TheGoddessFrigg · 29/07/2025 08:17

I wouldnt underestimate the trauma of a diagnosis. it can be a relief to finally realise why your brain is as it is, but then that comes with the realisation that this is 'final' and there is no miracle cure.

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2025 08:21

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 07:22

His plan is to do a 2 year masters and continue in his part time job. He is in no hurry to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

He is always in victim mode and meets us with only issues and complaints about his life.

What Is the best way to communicate that he needs to stay living out and taking responsibility for himself.

“OK DS, you’re a big grown up man now and it’s time to stand on your own 2 feet. You’re not moving back home, it would be a nightmare for all of us, so that’s not happening. It’s time to support yourself fully as we can no longer afford to.”

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2025 08:23

Motheranddaughter · 29/07/2025 07:43

Supporting him through school and university is fairly standard surely?
IMO continuing to support them in the early years after Uni is ok if they need it,particularly with his diagnosis
And all my DC will always be free to’ come home’
You need to discuss with him the transition to full adulthood and what you are and are not willing to do

A diagnosis of ADHD isn’t an excuse for violent, aggressive behaviour. If he’s capable of completing a degree he’s capable of getting a full time job.

YellowElephant89 · 29/07/2025 08:32

Can I check what do you mean by 'rewriting history' in the thread title OP? I'm guessing - but may be wrong - you and DS disagree about something that happened in the past?

AllotmentHappy · 29/07/2025 08:34

Just tell him bluntly that if he can get a degree hes not moving home to sit on his bum and waste his life away. Hes perfectly able to have a job.

RentalWoesNotFun · 29/07/2025 08:35

Remind him he’s an adult and needs to carve out a life for himself. If he wants to move house I’d help him to do that. But I wouldn’t want him back home. Tell him he’s an adult and he’s doing really well despite his adhd and just needs to continue getting used to his diagnoses, finding coping strategies and engaging with counselling/taking meds. The last two being non negotiable.

Original poster

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 09:16

YellowElephant89 · 29/07/2025 08:32

Can I check what do you mean by 'rewriting history' in the thread title OP? I'm guessing - but may be wrong - you and DS disagree about something that happened in the past?

Yes, we disagree on how my husbands his dad is with him. My husband has clear boundaries and ds hates it, their relationship is bad at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 09:25

Letstheriveranswer · 29/07/2025 07:46

Have read your follow up post. If your son is not at the point where he is prepared to work on changing and if he is just looking for an easy life, and you don't want him back home, then find out why he doesn't like his house? Is he living alone / lonely? What is your exit strategy from paying for his house? Does he understand at some point he has to earn enough to pay his own way? He still needs to work on managing his own brain but may need some support in how to do that.

I made the decisions I did because my son would probably be dead if I didn't, so I was willing to handle a few meltdowns and anger outbursts, as difficult as they were. And he was wanting to change, my job was to enforce boundaries and written conditions on him moving back so he had no choice but to stick to his good intentions.

We have done the keeping him alive years also, it was really difficult. As a family we have made him a priority for years and we get the worst of him. I don’t see his need anymore I just feel manipulated.
We have 3 other children, 2 older sons living out and teenage daughter at home.

OP posts:

Tia247 · 29/07/2025 10:15

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2025 08:23

A diagnosis of ADHD isn’t an excuse for violent, aggressive behaviour. If he’s capable of completing a degree he’s capable of getting a full time job.

Show quote history

This absolutely isn't true. The demands of a job are so completely different to doing a degree, I think it's probably impossible for anyone who is not ND to understand. Even the process to get a job is extremely difficult if you are ND - personality tests are a minefield, group tasks with people you've never met are a nightmare, and interviews can be extremely difficult. If you have ADHD there's a good chance you have poor executive function, are impulsive and may have poor attention as well as poor emotional regulation.

He needs a lot of help and support OP, but no one can force you to give it. Has he considered meds? That might be a game changer for all of you. His issues aren't his fault, but now he knows what's causing them he needs to find ways to deal with them and meds could be a huge help.

Letstheriveranswer · 29/07/2025 10:22

ForFunGoose · 29/07/2025 09:25

We have done the keeping him alive years also, it was really difficult. As a family we have made him a priority for years and we get the worst of him. I don’t see his need anymore I just feel manipulated.
We have 3 other children, 2 older sons living out and teenage daughter at home.

Show quote history

I do totally understand this as well, and there are no magic answers. I just get angry if I feel manipulated. My DS came to absolute rock bottom and for a couple of years before that I had disengaged emotionally but made sure I helped practically so he knew he still had a mum. It was only once he hit rock bottom that he was ready to change. There were long periods when he would get angry and deny having ADHD if I suggested strategies.

A poster above also mentioned the deep insecurity and fragile ego and this was a big feature too.

Is it worth you having some therapy to help you deal with the burden and mixed emotions of all this, it really takes its toll but you can't just divorce your kids!

I also had to accept my part in things: I did not cause his ADHD and it is his responsibility as an adult to learn how to manage it. However when he was a kid I was struggling to emotionally and financially support my children, including him with behavioural issues. That meant I wasn't able to be present and step in at a much younger age to teach him emotional regulation strategies (also we didn't have Google back then with so much useful info). My inability to be present wasn't my fault per se, I was doing the absolute best I could in the situation I was in, however it was as a result of my own life choices as a young person, and did have a knock on effect on how he emotionally developed. So I bear some responsibility to continue to help him now as long as he meets me halfway to help himself. I had to dig really deep for many years to help him, but it does, at the moment, seem to have finally paid off. Although my other child now bears resentment that his needs took my energy away from them as a child. I wish you strength to navigate this, it isn't easy, and parenting never seems to end, does it?!

FlyingUnicornWings · 29/07/2025 10:42

TheGoddessFrigg · 29/07/2025 08:17

I wouldnt underestimate the trauma of a diagnosis. it can be a relief to finally realise why your brain is as it is, but then that comes with the realisation that this is 'final' and there is no miracle cure.

This is an important point.

My other though (sorry if anyone has already mentioned this, I haven’t read all the replies because I have ADHD) but if this anger has started since diagnosis, is it in line with being medicated?

Could be a medication side effect? ADHD meds are hard to find a balance with. Too little and it does nothing, too much and it can make you aggy, impatient and frustrated.