DS 23 is rewriting history

[ForFunGoose]

DS has recently been diagnosed with adhd
It came as no surprise but he had resisted testing previously because he didn’t want a label. He has a cousin who he really dislikes with adhd and I think he didn’t want to be like her.
He has been really challenging the last 10 years, since puberty. At every crisis he was met with empathy and sometimes frustration. He has had numerous counselling sessions at his most difficult times. He was very volatile emotionally and once or twice in late teens violently with his dad(we are married). We have supported him through school and a degree course. He has lived out of home in the last year paid by us, it was our choice that he live out, he is not easy to live with.
Since his diagnosis (we paid for test, follow up appointments and medication)he has been very angry with us. Saying his volitility, anger, bad habit , bad attitude was not his fault. He now wants to move home because he doesn’t like his house. We had him home this week for a break and it’s not going well at all.

How do I navigate this?
Thanks

My dd blames other people too. I once googled it before she was diagnosed as to why people blame others.

ADHD was one of the biggest amswers

Getting diagnosed can feel like the rug has been ripped out from under your feet. Your whole view of yourself feels like a lie. It took me 2 years to come to terms with my diagnosis. He doesn't need to be living with you though. He needs to stand on his own two feet and work through it with an appropriately trained therapist.

Thanks so much everyone
I am very grateful

You don't have to.have him home it sounds like he is pushing you to see how much you let him away with, stay strong he is fine in his house.

He started meds in Feb, his first 3 months he took them Mon-Fri only so he could drink at weekends.
Since finishing University he is taking them only when he wakes before 12pm. If he sleeps later he said he doesn’t take them. He is also back drinking cans of Monster having previously tried to kick the habit. He works 3x6 hour days a week in warehouse.
Every month the dose increased until in July when he was on the max of 72mg. He thinks this is too much and has dropped back to 30mg.

His follow-up appointments are online once a month and we pay for that and meds. We are not allowed to comment on his process!!

This is true but with support to determine what sort of job.

What aspects does he find difficult? Does he struggle with other people? It is possible to find a role where he works on his own most of the time etc.

I wouldn't have him home for the sake of your dd, nor would I pay for a masters yet. I'd offer to help him deal with the realities of getting a job and resolving whatever he is not happy with - cooking, cleaning, general living, paperwork etc. That is the priority now. There are no easy answers. Independence will only come when he has no other choice.

I wouldn't pay for a masters until I saw him put in some effort towards resolving his own difficulties. He has to try, starting with stabilising his medication and taking a responsible approach.

I didn’t say it was an excuse for anything
For me it’s her son ,he’s still young,has had this diagnosis
A bit of support might be more helpful in the long run than pushing him to stand on his own 2 feet before he is ready
But each to their own

I think you have to set clear boundaries and say that he can't live at home but you'll help him look for a more suitable place if he doesn't like his current living arrangement.

Does he work? Why are you paying for everything?

If he isn't taking his medication have you considered not paying is it a private prescription ?

He’s drinking cans of Monster in place of medication. ADHD people can self medicate with Coca Cola or other stuff.

He needs to drop the Monster and up his dose. 30mg is a very low dose. My dd is on 54. She felt nothing at 30

Also she sets an alarm to enable her to take her meds every day. She just goes back to sleep afterwards.

We have spoken to him several times in the last 6 months about consistency with meds.

Setting clocks to take meds isn’t working he will just sleep through it or turn off the clock.
Im not sure what he is telling the ADHD doc but I doubt it’s the truth.
I can’t take on responsibility for his day to day life at 24 years old. I work and his dad works away for periods too.

I’m so exhausted
Peri menopause is kicking my ass too.

I will write down all the excellent advice given here and make a plan in the next few days.

Thanks again

Prompts amd reminders to take meds are part of the PIP criteria.

Could you just phone him? He has a disability and needs prompting. I understand you can’t take his life on, but he may need help with his disability. Even at 24.

My sister needs help her whole life. My dd is AUdhd. At 19 she still needs a huge amount of support. I think she will need support until she is at least 25

This is the thing. ADHD is a disability, and he might need support for his whole adult life.

The ADHD brain is developmentally 20% younger than its biological age, so if you take that into consideration, his brain age is 18.4

Not to mention the struggles that come with an ADHD brain. Have you read much about it? If not, I suggest starting with Russell Barkley. It will really help you to understand ADHD if you want to be able to help him.

Our capitalist society and the expectations that come with it are not designed for neurodivergent people to survive in. Our brains just aren’t able to function in this type of environment. You can’t expect us to “just get on with it”. You cannot change the ADHD person to fit the environment, you have to change the environment to fit the ADHD person. He needs to find a way to exist in this world that his nervous system can cope with, and it seems like he could use some help and guidance. That might not necessarily be from you, though. Could be a professional.

Yes he may need support for most of his adult life. It doesn’t just go away,

He might still need some support, but you can’t placate everything because he needs to arrive at a point where he develops his own coping strategies and a sense of responsibility towards himself.

My DP has been diagnosed since childhood (along with a few other ND diagnosis) and after many years of self medicating and rock bottom he finally had long term, comprehensive counselling and is doing well. He’s chosen to forego meds at this stage but he has a strict routine in terms of tasks at home and he doesn’t deviate from it (which he already did since he was a teenager as long as he was stable).

I agree with PP that it’s probably a combination of ADHD and ego. DP always blamed everyone until he ran out of people to blame (but to be fair on him he had a horrendous childhood) and my DB is a permanently dissatisfied blamer, even though he’s very successful and my mum went above and beyond for him til his late 20s.

I wouldn’t take it too personally, maintain boundaries. Being ND doesn’t give you a free pass to be an abusive and/or entitled. I’m not on speaking terms with DB currently because of that.

ADHD aside, I'd focus on relationships here - if I'm reading the posts right there is a lot of tension between DS and his dad. I am still unclear what 're-writing history' means here, does DS tell you something did/did not happen and you or your husband disagree? I still don't quite get what is your son angry about?

He is angry that we have boundaries really, that we don’t let him live as he pleases under our roof. He would like an a la carte life.

Dh is most affected by ds’ antics (noise all night, picking up the pieces after cock-ups)
He has to tell ds to keep it down every night he stays her, ds will stay up gaming until 4am even on nights he has work the following day.

What boundaries do you have?

Low demand and all that.

Is the gaming gambling?

Sorry but using the word trauma here really undermines people who have been through real trauma.
I'm bipolar and have ADHD l have been sectioned and had many issues dealing with life but I don't have trauma. My 3 kids are ND and not traumatised when being diagnosed in late teens.
The people I know in real life who suffer trauma have been raped, had their loved ones murdered, experienced domestic abuse, been in war, or grown up in severe neglect. Not some well loved man who is neurodiverse, been to uni and have counselling.

lots to think about and I appreciate everyone’s input. The broad answers have helped see how things are from lots of perspectives.

I think parents wear a lot of hats with our children, especially this generation. Also some kids make you work harder.

whatever lies ahead we’ll do our best for ds

It's good that you're maintaining boundaries - as much as he doesn't like it or your DH. DH is the bad guy in our house too, but probably because he says it straight. As parents we're all doing the best we can & prob balance each other out. Another point to note is that I think the titration period is really tricky for some. Our DD began on high dose when private then diff Dr suggested lower because of DD having Autism too.