Kid just not finding his ‘groove’

[HoneyButterPopcorn]

Not quite sure how to put it but… buckle up it’s a long one…

I was always very shy as a child. Suspicious of people (with my family not surprising - few genuine compliments, loads of ‘teasing’). So I tended to keep myself to myself. I ‘found myself’ when I moved away from home, got a job etc. Still a bit shy and introverted but as I’ve got older I’ve found less shits to give and have just accepted that I’m not the life and soul of the party, but I’m a nice person!

Despite deliberately trying to coax DS into not being like me (his dad isn’t!) I guess nature won (he is like me in temperament, always has been since he was born) so although he is very friendly and laid back, he does have that ‘streak’ in him where he feels he can’t ’let go’ and is shy about making friends.

He has had some good friends in the past but has managed to fall out over daft things (or silly things they have said or done) and he is very unforgiving (will cut them out). I’ve tried talking to him but he will just say ‘no coming back, don’t ask’. He will speak without thinking and always wears his heart in his sleeve. I’ve tried to get him to wear a ‘poker face’ but he’s rather emotional.

He’s going into final year at uni (he’s 20!). Moving home because his friends (who he was sharing with) have had to move to somewhere cheaper (miles out, rubbish transport) and he likes being at home (much closer, good transport - he can walk to uni). He has a small circle of friends but they will go home after uni (about half abroad) they do like to hang out together, but obviously he won’t have the daily hanging out in the shared kitchen talking about (whatever lads talk about). They chat a LOT online together.

He is also quite lazy (not when it comes to work - he is driven to get a 1st) and outs things off.

Ive managed to get him a good discount at a local gym (a friend works there) and a couple of his friends are competing in lifting/weights (he’s not into that but enjoys the gym and the pool). I’ve tried to get him to join a local running club, try online dating etc.

So I’m worried he will be even more isolated from ‘people’. When I was at uni I was happy to come home and chill out with my family. I’d go out - but not huge amounts (not every night) but felt like I wasn’t ’part of the gang’ so I wonder if he feels the same? He won’t even go to nightclubs (god I loved to go out dancing at his age).

Don’t really know what I want - him to be happy I guess? He is usually ‘content’ and happy but once in a while I feel he is frustrated that he isn’t out 24/7 partying (although I’ve explained that in my experience, people who seem to be doing this either aren’t or end up being deeply unhappy people).

There is nothing wrong with worrying about your DS it’s natural whatever age they are, especially if he says he is lonely. Are there any classes he could go to through the gym or clubs for boxing, weightlifting, martial arts etc?

Whoa take a big step back! Don’t project your experience and feelings on him!
He seems to be completely normal. Lonely at times? Even the most outgoing and social person feels that way.
My DD is 20. She did go out with a friend yesterday and has no problem going out on her own, but does not socialise at uni except with one girl (and feels she should step back as it’s too much). She is very active with societies and the newspaper but doesn’t really socialise outside of that. But she’s fine with it - occasionally gets a twinge thinking others all have found ‘their tribe’ and she hasn’t but she recognises she has high standards and will not ‘go along to get along’. She also doesn’t drink and is not interested in being the ‘mother’ in a group. I do recognise many of my own traits in her and my psychiatrist sister has always maintained she has social anxiety - well poo to that as she is incredibly self motivated and has won a prestigious paid internship which involves interviewing government officials and professors and she is doing just fine.
If your son seems content let him be! You’ve made a few suggestions and I’m sure he’s grateful about the gym, but honestly lay off.
I may have missed this but does he have a job? At 20 with a few months off he should. Having a routine and some autonomy may help him (and you).

I'm in my 50s and my mother still finds it difficult to accept that I'm not an extrovert, and am not interested in the same things that she is.

Just let him be himself.

He sounds like he is doing ok OP. Working hard, group of friends. I don’t think a parent encouraging online dating is ever going to go down well.

Okay, so your 20 year-old niece (?) recently committed suicide and now you’re very anxious about your son, who is the same age and has admitted he’s unhappy. That’s completely reasonable and understandable.

I think counseling for both of you would be a great place to start. Both for the grief and him for his fear following being attacked/mugged. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Alstromeria,a great post!

It sounds like his dad is the person he wants to talk to about this. Couldn’t his dad suggest ways of making friends to him or generally keep the conversation open?

I see him shy away from gangs of teens in the street because he got kicked in the head when he was a teen and is still wary

Wouldn't you be? Let him heal from this at his own pace. Kicked in the head? I would be in my room, too!

For a starters you need to stop being nice. Nice vs a good person is very different!
He sounds like he has asd leave him to do as he wishes.

He seems happy as he is. Leave him alone and stop trying to live your life vicariously through him.

Wise words.
I agree.

You don’t want him to be like you. Let him be himself

I was a big homebody but girls and boys from our village literally begged me to go out ....I can't stand small talk though and lack of depth or morals, yes, I beg me a pardon. So often I stayed home in the summer, had a beer in the early evening heat sat on the stone stairs, watched the sunset and read a book until 1 pm....anytime I went out and these empty young people with 0 education opened their mouth I got bored to death

This is another country though and not every young person drank or practiced sex for fun as people do here. So depends on the cultural horizon also.