Kid just not finding his ‘groove’

[HoneyButterPopcorn]

Not quite sure how to put it but… buckle up it’s a long one…

I was always very shy as a child. Suspicious of people (with my family not surprising - few genuine compliments, loads of ‘teasing’). So I tended to keep myself to myself. I ‘found myself’ when I moved away from home, got a job etc. Still a bit shy and introverted but as I’ve got older I’ve found less shits to give and have just accepted that I’m not the life and soul of the party, but I’m a nice person!

Despite deliberately trying to coax DS into not being like me (his dad isn’t!) I guess nature won (he is like me in temperament, always has been since he was born) so although he is very friendly and laid back, he does have that ‘streak’ in him where he feels he can’t ’let go’ and is shy about making friends.

He has had some good friends in the past but has managed to fall out over daft things (or silly things they have said or done) and he is very unforgiving (will cut them out). I’ve tried talking to him but he will just say ‘no coming back, don’t ask’. He will speak without thinking and always wears his heart in his sleeve. I’ve tried to get him to wear a ‘poker face’ but he’s rather emotional.

He’s going into final year at uni (he’s 20!). Moving home because his friends (who he was sharing with) have had to move to somewhere cheaper (miles out, rubbish transport) and he likes being at home (much closer, good transport - he can walk to uni). He has a small circle of friends but they will go home after uni (about half abroad) they do like to hang out together, but obviously he won’t have the daily hanging out in the shared kitchen talking about (whatever lads talk about). They chat a LOT online together.

He is also quite lazy (not when it comes to work - he is driven to get a 1st) and outs things off.

Ive managed to get him a good discount at a local gym (a friend works there) and a couple of his friends are competing in lifting/weights (he’s not into that but enjoys the gym and the pool). I’ve tried to get him to join a local running club, try online dating etc.

So I’m worried he will be even more isolated from ‘people’. When I was at uni I was happy to come home and chill out with my family. I’d go out - but not huge amounts (not every night) but felt like I wasn’t ’part of the gang’ so I wonder if he feels the same? He won’t even go to nightclubs (god I loved to go out dancing at his age).

Don’t really know what I want - him to be happy I guess? He is usually ‘content’ and happy but once in a while I feel he is frustrated that he isn’t out 24/7 partying (although I’ve explained that in my experience, people who seem to be doing this either aren’t or end up being deeply unhappy people).

It was a complete. bolt from the blue. She had plans for that week. Deliberately ducked out of a family lunch to ‘do something’ and her family found her. Absolutely no clues. They still don’t understand. And it wasn’t an accident.

That's extremely sad, I am sorry for your family's loss. x

He’s 20. He’s an adult. Why are you trying to organise his life? It’s very controlling and you will end up frustrated and will end up falling out if you’re not careful.

I’m introverted and definitely not the life and soul of the party but I am kind and people generally like me. This wasn’t good enough for my Mum though and she constantly cajoled me to be more sociable and outgoing. It made me VERY unsure of who I was for a long time. I ended up doing things that ultimately weren’t right for me and I feel like I wasted a lot of time trying to be someone and do jobs that weren’t right for me. She was clearly doing what she thought was best but to be honest it would have been more helpful if she focused on my good qualities and encouraged/praised those.

Leave your son to navigate his life himself with support when he asks for it. He is capable of working things out for himself without force.

In that case I think you need to retreat unless you see more alarming signs.
Final year at uni is very intense. My 21 yr old DS who lives with us barely left the house except to gym. No drinking.
He just got a first, a job offer and a masters offer. Time well spent, I say.

Every so and often he will speak to his dad - in tears - that he is lonely.

It seems as if you have some regrets about your life when you were younger, though as it’s all worked out well I don’t think it’s helpful to look back in an overly analytical way. I think it’s even less helpful to try and re-live your youth through your son by encouraging him to do all the things you didn’t or be the way you weren’t. He’s his own person, seems to be intelligent, motivated and focussed young adult - so I would be grateful you’ve created an environment for him to grow up in that has made him the way he is. He’s still young, his life will evolve - let that happen. Just my thoughts x

@HoneyButterPopcorn

It is tricky, you just want the best for him, understandably.

But... he is not you, so could you just step back and try not to hover.

This@GoldDuster post sums it up perfectly, imho.

If you could re-read it and perhaps reconcile your projected concerns.

Good luck, he will find his wings, in his own time.

eta; missed word

I really don’t hover - please don’t imagine I’m standing by his bedroom door with a list of things to do and a rolling pin! I let him get in with it, but do recognise that he isn’t comfortable going outside.

Drip drip drip…

I think you're projecting, op. He clearly doesn't feel as you did, so doesn't need you encouraging him to do as you feel you should have done. He's not you.

What does his dad think about your concerns for your ds?
does he mention to you he is lonely?

He seems happy at the gym. I had heard it where many youngsters go dating rather than clubs/ pubs though.
An outdoorsy group might be better to join? There are loads of uni clubs where he can join in the new academic year or there are now young ramblers clubs specific for the 20-30 age group.

At 20 you can’t force them to do anything but I always try to be enthusiastic about any interests my dc show and encourage them to give things a go.
I also tell them any meaningful relationships, whether it be friendships or romantic takes effort and time; there will be mistakes and encourage them to give an activity quite a few goes before abandoning them, not just writing it off after one go.

What is he doing over his summer break from uni?
If he has an internship linked to his degree or future job aspirations then great, if not encourage him to contribute to the household and get one.

I honestly wouldn’t worry that much. He’s doing uni, maybe that’s enough socialisation for him right now.

I think it’s fairly normal to feel a certain degree of loneliness when you’re young even if everything seems okay - you learn to see life differently as you age.

but is it possible he is picking up on your anxiety?

Are you worried that he will be unable to find his own way, because of your experiences?

20 is still very young to have mapped out your life, don't you think @HoneyButterPopcorn

Bit of a drip feed. But if he is lonely only he can fix it. I don't really appprove of the pressure on young people to find girlfriends or boyfriends. That should come organically, not necessarily through online dating. I do think a sport is great for young people. Really good for MH.

Drip what? I’ve already said he was mugged and that has most likely been the reason he doesn’t like going out. If you don’t really have anything useful to say…

You keep adding bits and pieces to make the situation ’worse’ as more people tell you it’s actually ok to be himself.

Op i completely get you! My ds is younger but quite awkward in himself and lacking in confidence i suppose. He would happily sit in whilst longing for friends. Its really tricky, especially as our generation were out playing all the time and then onto pubs and clubs. I do worry about him getting older and I'd love him to find his tribe.

I completely understand where you’re coming from.
My DD is similar but younger than your DS and I was the complete opposite.

I was a proper introvert and went out all of the time and experienced loads of things.
I was also getting drunk, taking drugs and having sex with grown men from 12 and I didn’t want her turning out like me and so I kind of wrapped her in cotton wool and now I’m worried I’ve made her too much the other way.

But then I remember that some people are naturally more introverted and as long as they’re happy then isn’t that enough.

Your DS has actually gone to uni, which in itself is great.
It may be that he’s happy being more of an introvert for a couple more years and then find more interests outside the home.

I wouldn’t encourage dating or partying, as I think too much emphasis is put on things like dating but I would encourage a way to keep fit (gym, running etc) and a hobby that includes travel even if it’s just visiting different museums around the UK.

I completely understand where you’re coming from but I think we need to give our kids the opportunity to do things but ultimately let them choose what they want to do.

I think the issue is that they're not actually happy. If we knew they were happy staying in and being alone we'd not worry.

I know it's coming from a good place, but the more you 'suggest' what he should be doing - join a gym! do online dating! what about running? - the more conscious he'll be that he either isn't doing it, or doesn't want to do it. Which will be feeding into the sense that there's something wrong - when he's just a naturally quiet person who, according to you, also cuts friends off for "silly reasons", is extremely sensitive and finds it hard to open up. If he's lonely, it sounds as if that's more to do with his emotional style than social opportunities - and that's maybe something that he has to work out for himself as he matures into an adult, just as you did?

Stop trying to live his life for him. You're micromanaging and babying him. Let go! Trying to make him more like his dad is actively rejecting who he is.

At 20 he should be sorting out his own gym memberships. Insane that you've had any involvement with that at all.

Cutting off people he has no interest in seeing isn't wrong either. Just because you think something is silly doesn't mean it is, maybe whatever annoyed him is deeply important to him? Personally I've lost track of how many times I've met and become friends with a lovely person, then further on in the friendship ended up distancing myself because they're married to a controlling arsehole/ go everywhere with their cousin who is an insufferable bore with no social skills/ have a best friend who is a racist and always part of our nights out, etc. If he's cutting loose from people he doesn't like, that's not a bad thing.

My nephew tried going to a nightclub with a couple of friends once. Those friends go all the time, it's one of their favourite things. He said the place was full of excessively drunk people, people looking for a fight and girls being sexually assaulted. He has no idea why anyone goes to them and said never again.

I learned years ago that the popular people aren't really, once you scratch beneath the surface. They're the drama llamas who always have to be centre of attention. They can be unkind and dismissive, which keeps everyone on their toes and focused on not upsetting them. They have little cliques and talk in code, making others feel left out and craving to be part of things meaning they'll tolerate whatever is necessary to do so. They keep everyone focussed on them. Or they're genuinely nice to everyone so really everyone does like them, but they organise everything. They seem to have loads of friends because they invite everyone they've ever met even for 5mins to a party, they speak two sentences to someone and they're adding them on Facebook, they put the word out to all and sundry that they're going to XYZ on Friday and gather together a group who wants to go to, and they chat pleasantly to absolutely everyone. They're usually extroverts who thrive on human interaction and recharge by spending time with friends, they don't need downtime after socialising to recover because those nights out are their downtime.

If DS wants to go out more, he too could be less choosy who he goes out with, he could make the effort to chat to absolutely everyone, he could say yes to every invitation regardless of what it is, add everyone he ever meets to social media and chat with them there too, organise social events etc. I suspect he doesn't really want to do all that because it goes against his innate nature and would wear him out.

You contradict yourself calling him lazy with work but committed to getting a first. Even if he does have a lazy streak it's hardly newsworthy in a uni student! He's got his whole life to have his nose to the grindstone, let him be young now while he still is. He doesn't sound lazy though, he sounds like perhaps he has a part time job that isn't important to him and has realised he can't have everything, choosing to focus his energies on his studying instead of work at the moment.

You don't want DS to be "like you". He isn't like you. He appears to have confidence in his actions and choices. You appear to have crippling low self-esteem about being introverted and full of regrets about missing out due to shyness. Remember DS didn't grow up with your parents, so hopefully he's a more rounded individual without your hangups. So long as you stop giving him the message he's not good enough through your efforts to change him.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from - I was the same. I missed out on so much and ‘got in my own way’ all the time.

However, by trying to make my own DD do things differently I made her feel there was something ‘wrong’ with her and this is something I am now trying to undo!

The thing that would concern me is “He has had some good friends in the past but has managed to fall out over daft things (or silly things they have said or done) and he is very unforgiving (will cut them out).”

So does he struggle to have long term friendships? I am not friends with everyone I’ve ever met, but I have friend I’ve known since I was 5, my best friend I’ve known since I was 11, and multiple friends I’ve had for 10+. They are very important to me, and long term friends (for me at least) are often the people who tell me things I don’t want to hear. I don’t know what these “daft” things are, and obviously you’re his mum, so he might not want to tell you the full story. Being unforgiving isn’t really great, having the ability to judge when to forgive and move on is a fundamental skill imo. I can be a total hard arse and have cut many people off, but I’ve also forgiven people for some pretty big stuff. Being a pushover is bad, but so is the other extreme.

I feel like you're getting a hard time on here, you feel like your adult child isn't thriving and you worry about it.

I wonder if him moving back home was the right choice, I know he prefers it but if it's reinforcing habits that don't help him - I can understand why it happened though.

For my 21st (siblings had the same) my parents paid for a long-haul flight somewhere. We all did working holidays or the equivalents in another country, far from home, and did lots of independent travel and I would say it was very helpful in terms of us all growing up, learning to be brave, speaking to people we don't know, etc etc. Could you afford similar/would he have any interest?

Otherwise, it's true you can't do a whole lot, except offer any scaffolding he needs for independent steps (help saving a deposit to get a room of his own etc). Try not to be too obviously worried about him because what he's experiencing is in the realm of the normal, anyone's 20s are complicated.

Good luck!

"Our generation" certainly weren't, perhaps you and your friends were? Our generation were all individuals with our own separate likes and dislikes, just like young people today are. I really dislike it when people try and inflict their own personal tastes and preferences on others, and tell them they are living life wrongly. It's wrong to think there is only one right way to be, and in the case of our children it's almost always counterproductive in my experience. Live and let live where possible I think.