What do you do about meals with adult dc?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, 24, 22 and 18. Older two are back at home after university.

The consensus is that I generally cook a family meal. They work full time and I’m only 2 days/week. Older two each cook for the family once a fortnight.

We don’t have a set time for dinner, usually somewhere between 7-8pm. I send out a message on our family WA group to tell them them time. However a) sometimes they don’t see it, b) I still have to remind them, c) it makes me feel like I’m running a restaurant.

I want to change things. I’m thinking of telling them all to just come down at 7pm every day (assuming they’re home) and if dinner is not ready yet, they can lay the table, help out or just chat.

Do you think this sounds ok? Or any other suggestions?

It sounds fine.

Are you really happy doing so much cooking? I wound have thought they could each (including the 18 year old) cook a meal a week at the least.

Yes this sounds fine. Explain this and say that’s how it’s going to be

I do a list on the family chat with days of the week and names, each person does at least one tea per week and we share the shopping.

They should all be doing much more cooking (and clearing up afterward).

There's no need for a freshly cooked meal every day.

Whoever cooks should cook enough for everyone for two days at least. Or batch cook at the weekend if they're not home in time to cook during the week, so the family can still enjoy an evening meal.

I cook at most twice a week and eat leftovers most days.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect everyone to eat together, but everyone needs to clean up after themselves.

My two adult daughters have been home and are working - moving out soon though. I generally cook a meal every day (I enjoy it) - if they want it they come when it is ready. If they don't feel like eating then or at all no problem. If I don't feel like cooking they sort themselves out.

Dh asks everyone once he’s finished work if they’re home for dinner. And then cooks for the amount of people who are home.
If they didn’t let us know there would be leftovers anyway but that’s how we do it.
He cooks every night because he enjoys it and it’s important to all of us to sit down and have one meal a day together. So it’s a priority for us. If people are out that’s absolutely fine but if they’re home and eating with us then it’s at the table, no one is taking dinner up to eat in their room on their own.
The dc do all the clearing up though! And they will sort themselves out if we’re out. Both the adult dc are very competent in the kitchen. They will often make lunches for us during the week when I’m wfh and dh pops back and also on a Saturday if we have either of the grandparents coming by.

There's just me and my son home from uni at the moment. If we are both in I'll cook. Neither of us particularly enjoy cooking but as Im a foster carer if I have a child here I have to cook anyway.

A couple of days a week he works evenings so I double up on things like chilli or bolagnese so he can take something from the freezer.
I just tell him when it's ready.

If I'm out he'll have a pizza as Im not a fan. We sort our own lunches out as we are on very different schedules

Not sure you need 4 (or 5 if you have a dh / dp?) hanging round the kitchen for 50mins if it is going to be a later one.

Personally, my dc have all being doing one family meal a week since early teens so we've always worked with everyone "signing up" to which day they are doing (and what 'main ingredient' they are using. It used to be the whiteboard in the kitchen but these days I guess WhatsApp makes good sense too.

If they aren't looking at their phone constantly, is there a reason you can't put your head into the hallway and call "Dinner" or "It's ready" or "Grub's Up" or whatever suits ? I'm struggling to understand why this is troubling you so much you want to start a thread.

We eat lunch and evening meal together. Lunch everyone makes what they feel like and for each other if two want the same. In the evening I cook (or sometimes dh). The children tidy up and load the dishwasher.

We cook separately to adult dc in the week as dh and I do meat free. I work part time and cook for me, dh and ds(8) we eat around 530. Dd (23) gets in around 4 cooks for herself and eats a similar time to us. Ds works shifts and gets fed at work .
on a weekend dh cooks, dd and ds just let him know if they are in we just shout them when it’s ready.

@CarpetKnees I’m not sure really. They all have their own rooms (and dd3 is in the loft room) and I can’t be bothered to go up and down the stairs knocking on 3 doors.

We have a 1st and 2nd floor too.
People on the first floor can hear a call from the hallway and one of them will check top floor person has heard. No-one is going up and knocking on doors individually

Plus, when people arrive home, they tend to come in the kitchen to say hello, and at that point, get an idea of approx how long it is until tea is ready. So it's hardly a surprise when it is.
You seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill here.

We have a gong! I love it so much: my m-in-l offered it to me when she downsized & I’d got so fed up with yelling up the stairs twice a day every day to get everyone down for meals during lockdown I jumped at the chance for us to inherit it. Highly recommended. A bell would work too, but the gong makes a really lovely sound.

I want a gong!

Get an Alexa to make an announcement

I don't cook every night for my adult DCs. They get their own meals most nights, either reheat meals I've made but they weren't around for or they cook for themselves.
They spent 3 years cooking for themselves at university so they're perfectly capable!

Our dc are similar ages. Our arrangement is that if they don't tell us by 5pm that they will be at home for dinner, then we are not obliged to cook for them. We do send out messages on the family WhatsApp and talk to them if they're at home, but, essentially, the onus is on them to tell us.

Everyone (4 of us) cooks at least one meal a week, freshly cooked/from scratch. We eat together most nights. Go out to eat one/two nights a week - sometimes together. Ds has said he doesn’t want to cook, that’s ok he can heat up meals for himself, He needs to contribute or he doesn’t get a seat at the table. So far he’s opted to cook.

DH cooks 2 night, I cook 2 nights, each DS cooks 1 night each, but they also generally do the dishwasher.

Whoever is cooking gives a rough ETA and then shouts through when it’s 10 minutes off being ready, then everyone comes through to set the table, get drinks ready etc.

7th night is pizza or similar, which we do separately as the DSs like to watch a movie together with it, while DH and I have date night.

I wouldn’t like everyone eating separately. We have a great time together over a meal. It’s my favourite part of the day! And even though I quite like cooking, I’d resent it if others weren’t sharing the load.

I can’t imagine how it works when everyone cooks separately- Is it all frozen,microwave, jars and sandwiches? I can’t get my head around the expandable meals either - how do you plan to have enough food in if everyone decides in the afternoon whether they’ll eat the family dinner? I can’t imagine the chaos of the kitchen being used to cook several different meals every night. How do you ever have enough fridge space to allow everyone to have their own food.

how do you plan to have enough food in if everyone decides in the afternoon whether they’ll eat the family dinner?

It's about what you have as standard in the larder and fridge.

There's always rice, pasta, flour etc in the house. It's easy enough to adjust how much you're going to cook.

A 400g pack of mince can easily be stretched to feed 3-4-5-6 people by varying the amount of veg added to the sauce. We always have tinned tomatoes and lentils tinned or dry in the cupboard.

Something like individual pieces of meat or fish can be trickier. In which case we would probably defer that planned meal to a different night, or plan ahead: "On Friday night we're having XYZ. We need to know today how many to buy."

If you meal-plan in detail, and buy only what you need for those meals, I can see that our flexibility might not work for you.

OP, seriously?
They are adults. They know when you generally put the meal on the table and they know that you send a WA to tell everyone it's ready.

You don't need to change anything - if they get cold food, that's on them.

I agree @Weerit - currently got DS back from uni having just started his first job and DD who still has a ear at uni so floats back and forth in the holidays.

I just don't have the space - fridge, freezer or kitchen to be able to accommodate separate meals and cooking for everyone. I have to do two shops a week as it is! So don't really have the flexibility to chop and change the meal plan.

DS is terrible at deciding at midday he won't be in for dinner that night having previously said he would be! Drives me mad.

He does cook several times a week though - but the kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off afterwards....

But to answer @bendmeoverbackwards original question - I just yell up the stairs - same way I have done since they started hiding in their rooms when the teenage years struck!

DS is terrible at deciding at midday he won't be in for dinner that night having previously said he would be! Drives me mad.

i would let that go precisely once. Then i would not include him in my cooking.