Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

DS 25 not working

42 replies

Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 11:30

DS, 25 is not working and doesn't seem that bothered. He is fairly bright, has 10 GCSEs, 3 A Levels and has passed Levels 2, 3 and 4 Accounting exams but applies for jobs, doesn't hear back and gives up. He finished sixth form, did college for 3 years and then lockdown struck. He managed to pass his driving test in all the post lockdown backlog but has no social life, no job, savings etc. I wonder if he needs some counselling for his anxiety, or just tough love which I am useless at. I know it's probably our bad parenting, too soft on him etc but things have been hard. My Mum had a terminal cancer diagnosis, I looked after her for a year before she died last autumn and my DH has long covid and is struggling. No excuses, but we've just taken our eye off the ball and its too long for him just to be in limbo. Kind advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
IberianBlackout · 20/05/2025 11:42

Does he pay anything towards expenses? What about his personal expenses - how does he afford clothes, new phones, etc?

Hollietree · 20/05/2025 11:42

Have you tried offering help to look/apply for jobs? Do you have any contacts in his chosen area that could mentor him?

Aside from that, you say he “isn’t bothered” that he hasn’t found a job. But if he has somewhere free to live, no bills to pay, someone providing food, no negative consequences for not having a job, then of course he won’t be very bothered.

I’m not saying chuck him out but maybe you can think of ways to incentivise him to find a job. If he has no money to contribute to the running of the household, then he should be doing a good share of cooking, cleaning, household admin etc. Give him a pile of stuff to sell on vinted/ebay to earn some money towards the household. Make getting a job outside of the house a better option.

Don’t give him money for anything other than bare essentials.

Original poster
Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 11:54

He does help out with the cooking, housework, car washing, gardening etc and he does weekly gardening and odd jobs for his grandparents. We are trying to make a full time job seem the easier option!

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 20/05/2025 11:58

So he lives with you? I am guessing he just gets the standard element of UC to live on?

Original poster
Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 12:21

He doesn't claim any benefits

OP posts:
Sleeplessinmetal · 20/05/2025 12:44

Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 12:21

He doesn't claim any benefits

He needs to sign on - he'll get tough love from the benefits people

IberianBlackout · 20/05/2025 12:46

I would start checking why he’s not getting any jobs - as in, is he truly and realistically applying to jobs within his qualifications? - and if so, why isn’t he considering any jobs outside his studies. Although with accounting I’d imagine it should be pretty easy, although the older he gets with no practical experience it will come back to bite him.

You need to make his life harder. It sucks, but it is what it is. My DD tends to work, save up and then quit and live off it for month. This last stint was really difficult to get her back to work because she decided she wanted a remote job and obviously it wasn’t as easy as she hoped. She’s back in hospitality.

My workplace has some sort of agreement with an agency/organisation (not sure) that places long term unemployed men, maybe check if there’s similar in your area?

Dreichweather · 20/05/2025 12:49

Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 11:54

He does help out with the cooking, housework, car washing, gardening etc and he does weekly gardening and odd jobs for his grandparents. We are trying to make a full time job seem the easier option!

Unless you’re giving him well over 40 hours of work a week it will be the easier option.

Blueberry911 · 20/05/2025 12:59

He sounds like he's having a lovely time at home doing nothing, living for free.

mewkins · 20/05/2025 13:04

Look on Skills for Careers website. There are various services eg. Advice and guidance; training courses etc. He needs to be proactive though.

RaininSummer · 20/05/2025 13:13

What sort of jobs is he applying for? Should be anything he can do at this point.

Parky04 · 20/05/2025 13:14

My DS25 was recently made redundant. He now works full time in Sainsbury's until he finds something else. There is no excuse for a healthy 25 year old not to be working!

MiddleAgedDread · 20/05/2025 13:17

Agree that he needs to find any sort of work to make his CV look more attractive than a big gap where he's been sitting on his arse living off the bank of mum & dad! Even some voluntary work would be better than nothing.

minnienono · 20/05/2025 13:25

I drove dsd to the benefits office, they were really good and gave her the right combination of help and tough love. Fulfilling her requirements each week was hard so encouraged work!

TallulahBetty · 20/05/2025 13:26

Sounds like he is being too fussy with the jobs he is applying for? He needs ANY job right now.

Captcha4903 · 20/05/2025 13:31

My employer put out a job recently and we had 200 applicants. It feels as bad as things were during the 2010s autersity years. At this point your son needs something that can provide a reference for applications. I volunteered with a CAB many years ago for this purpose.

Daisyvodka · 20/05/2025 13:35

What conversations have happened before now? Just trying to gauge where his head is at. I would suggest sitting down and having a proper talk about things, but maybe giving him a warning first, so he has time to think about the conversation first. I think sometimes in these situations where you are yourself (as you describe) too 'soft' emotions can run high when people are surprised, and you will struggle to get your point across in a firm way, with timescales etc, if he gets upset in front of you. So maybe a lead in 'hey, me and your dad have been having a think about the future and looking at our retirement plans etc, and we thought it would be a good time for us to have a chat about your job situation and see what we can do to support - shall we sit down after dinner tonight and have a chat? Have a think in the meantime about it and we can talk later'
Might be a bit anxiety inducing for him, but sometimes when we are comfortable we need to feel uncomfortable to make changes.

sparrowflewdown · 20/05/2025 13:37

It is very difficult for young people to find work at the moment my DD is applying for everything and still no luck as pp said there are so many applicants per post.

Original poster
Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 13:42

Daisyvodka · 20/05/2025 13:35

What conversations have happened before now? Just trying to gauge where his head is at. I would suggest sitting down and having a proper talk about things, but maybe giving him a warning first, so he has time to think about the conversation first. I think sometimes in these situations where you are yourself (as you describe) too 'soft' emotions can run high when people are surprised, and you will struggle to get your point across in a firm way, with timescales etc, if he gets upset in front of you. So maybe a lead in 'hey, me and your dad have been having a think about the future and looking at our retirement plans etc, and we thought it would be a good time for us to have a chat about your job situation and see what we can do to support - shall we sit down after dinner tonight and have a chat? Have a think in the meantime about it and we can talk later'
Might be a bit anxiety inducing for him, but sometimes when we are comfortable we need to feel uncomfortable to make changes.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply.

OP posts:
ColdTofuSandwich · 20/05/2025 13:46

So if not working and not on benefits it’s no surprise he hasn’t a social life as he has no money presumably? He’ll be in arrested development if his parents are still looking after him, buying his clothes, giving him money for a treat! My DDs are 14 and 15 and they have to earn their pocket money.

you need to encourage him into an entry level job not an accountancy one. He also needs to sign on as he won’t be getting the necessary credit in his national insurance.

Original poster
Yellowfreesias69 · 20/05/2025 13:46

Thanks all for your replies, we know we have to step up and help him get into the workplace. Any job will do at this stage, a trip to the benefits office might be what he needs to get real.

OP posts:
SantaToSSD · 20/05/2025 13:49

You are not alone OP. I wish I had the answers for you because then I wouldn't be in the same position. I will follow this thread with interest.

UniqueRedSquid · 20/05/2025 14:01

I was made redundant from a skilled office job on a Thursday aged 24. I spent the first half of Friday looking for a job and was working in a warehouse on Monday where I did 48 hour weeks until I started another job in my field of expertise five months later. I had rent to pay and a wedding to fund, I’d have been deeply uncomfortable letting my then fiancé foot the bills so not working wasn’t an option.

Honestly it was crap and tiring but the money was surprisingly good and I’ve never been so fit.

My sister had a similar experience and started basic care work for months, now she’s back in her field of expertise.

Unless you live very rurally, there is work to be done. You earn the privilege to choose what you do by buying yourself time doing whatever sustains you.

Sleeplessinmetal · 20/05/2025 14:25

There's more to signing on than just getting the money.

I made ds sign on when he finished Uni - he wasn't happy about it - didn't like doing it, they were really good with him offered him support and kept him on track. He got a job within 6 weeks and he said one of the best bits was not having to sign on.

TheMimsy · 20/05/2025 14:51

I’m in the same boat with my youngest minus the qualifications. He’s got severe depression and is medicated.

He lost his older brother to paranoid schizophrenia 8 years ago. My eldest has never been stable nor does he accept he’s ill. He’s targeted and threatened my youngest and we can no longer have him in the home. They were so close. My youngest used to take him away on holidays, have him stay at his all the time (there is a 6 year gap between them).

I have mine doing volunteering and helping with household budgeting and chores, meal planning etc so he knows what it takes to run a home. Volunteering etc is so he still leaves the house and interacts with different people like he would in the work place.

im at a complete loss. Im not well myself and floundering and trying to deal with him, fight for adequate care for his brother etc feels like a losing battle. I just don’t know what the future holds for him.