Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I feel like such a cow

35 replies

WildPoster · 19/05/2025 19:58

I need advice.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years. We don’t live together and live 50 miles apart. We both have children and stayed living separately so our kids stayed in their home/school/friendship circles by the time we were serious we decided not to uproot the kids but we would see each other at weekends. We all have been on holiday together many times and this set up worked for us. My 2 are now older, still living with me but I don’t see them much as they have flourished and I love watching them grow. His youngest is doing well too. His oldest got pregnant and has just given birth. She lived with him but spent most of her at her boyfriends house, the bf is jobless, has no interest in getting a job, his family are all jobless and tbh we really cannot see what she see’s in him. They’re still together but her bf is useless, he’s not provided anything for his child. she’s having to live at her dads with the baby. My bf is an amazing dad, of course he’s allowed her to continue living with him with the baby. But everything has changed so much. The daughter never came out of her room unless it was to get food or go to the bathroom, she was a typical moody teenager and the moods continued into her 20’s.Now she and the baby are everywhere. Our Saturday nights have changed our Sunday morning lie ins have changed, everything has changed. We talked about having a child of our own years ago but decided against it and looked forward to the children flying the nest so we could do our thing. And now we’re anchored all over again. His daughter I think realises she’s made a mistake in having a baby with this boy that’s she still in a relationship with but she’s not making any plans apart from continuing to stay with her Dad. I’m trying so hard to be positive, but I really don’t want a small baby so intertwined in my life. I know I sound like a cow and my partner is stuck between helping his daughter and building a life with me. I’ve battled with what happens if one of mine end up with a baby, I’d be the same, but the fact is neither of mine have had a baby and if they do, they won’t be living with me.
every has changed so much I can’t be excited or happy for the baby’s arrival.
an I being a cow? I know I am, I don’t want to be, I want to embrace the baby but this situation has made life really hard. Also she can’t stay at her boyfriends house as there no room for her and the baby and my partner won’t let her bf in his house because he doesn’t trust him not to rob him. So she doesn’t have anywhere to go even if she wanted to give us some alone time. Lastly her mum my partners ex is in the picture, but they don’t get on and the mum made it very clear there’s no room for her at her house as she has converted her room to a walk in wardrobe. I do feel for his daughter, but I’ve been through a lot too and was really looking forward our life which was only probably a year from our time.

OP posts:

Hif · 19/05/2025 20:05

I don’t think you’re being a cow. It sounds incredibly frustrating. I don’t know the answer though.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/05/2025 20:10

You’re not being a cow. It sounds really shit. If you’re not careful, you and your partner could end up completely lumbered with this baby, so I wouldn’t be there for her ‘too much’. Before you know it you’ll be babysitting every weekend and your husband will be paying for the lot of them.

sesquipedalian · 19/05/2025 22:48

OP, is it not possible for this daughter to apply for social housing with her child? Your DP will have to show some tough love and threaten to make her homeless, but if he’s not prepared to do that, then are you both ready to bring up another baby? Because that’s what will happen, only with rows about parenting as the DGC gets older and the daughter finds herself a new bloke and is only too happy to leave her DC at home with you and her father….

BunnyRuddington · 23/05/2025 06:27

I don’t know what the answer is either but I wouldn’t be happy stepping up and looking after her baby for her.

Not trusting the BF not to rob you isn’t great either. Is he on drugs?

HopingForTheBest25 · 23/05/2025 06:46

You are not being a cow - your life is being altered because of decisions that you haven't made, you get no say in any of it but it still massively affects you. It isn't fair. But this is one of the things which comes with parenting - kids mess up and their parents have to help fix it! Your dp is between a rock and a hard place and actually you probably wouldn't respect him if he was the type of dad who would leave her to sink.
she needs to be living at her dad's - if she was in her own place the deadbeat boyfriend would be there too and it would be so much harder to get him away from her and the baby. At least this way, your dp is doing everything possible to help his dd to break up with him.
I think you've got to grin and bear it and remember that if it was one of your own children, you'd be doing the same as your partner and you'd want his support.
The bright side is that you aren't living with her full time.
Between you, you need to encourage her to get back into education or work and see that she will have a better life without the boyfriend.

WonderingWanda · 23/05/2025 06:51

I would be encouraging your bf to visit you for weekends or go away together rather than being at his with the baby. Longer term he will need to encourage his dd to have a plan about moving out. Were there no conversations about how she was going to fund being a parent when she was pregnant?

FiveShelties · 23/05/2025 06:52

Could he come to your house at weekends?

ballroomblue · 23/05/2025 07:38

Not a cow. Your whole future has changed through circumstances not under your control. I would give it a bit of time and play it by ear. Gradually, the daughter should be able to become more independent and I think this needs to helped along as much and as fairly as it can. Could he possibly stay at yours at weekends, or at least some weekends?

ballroomblue · 23/05/2025 07:40

"Her mum made it very clear there's no room for her at her house as she has converted her bedroom to a walk-in wardrobe."

No flies on this woman. She saw this coming.

march654 · 23/05/2025 08:10

That would be my worst nightmare. You are not being a cow at all. Could he maybe stay at your house instead at weekends?
I would let her know she’s welcome to stay until a certain date but then she needs to go and support herself. And as long as he lets her stay rent free and keeps paying for things there really is no reason to leave. Some people are just happy to sponge of others and it’ll never end as long as he keeps dishing it out.
Hopefully it can be sorted without a big fall out.

Poisonwood · 23/05/2025 08:18

Her father needs to ensure she has properly applied for social housing, then make it clear that whilst he is happy to have her living there he will be unavailable at weekends as he is at yours. That way she can have support with the baby during the week but learn to stand on her own two feet as a Mum at weekends.

BunnyRuddington · 23/05/2025 08:20

Is your DP not staying over at yours because then the BF will come around to be with DD and the baby?

Continualloop · 23/05/2025 08:23

Of course you are upset at the potential loss of the imminent future you were looking forward to.

But do not try to get him to put you before his daughter.

That poor young woman. She lives with rejection from her Mother - I can’t imagine living with that pain, especially as she enters Motherhood herself and must wish her own Mother were loving and supporting her - she must be nervous about impending motherhood herself, depressed and worried about who the dad is and her own ‘relationship’, worried about supporting her child, losing friends as she can’t keep up with them when her life is so different. She sounds very depressed from your description, and understandably so. From her point of view, her future is looking hard, lonely and black.

She needs to be with family who love and support her as she makes what is likely to be a hard transition to motherhood in difficult circumstances. Being at home is the right place to be. It’s certainly where I would want my daughter to be if she were in this young woman’s shoes.

Don’t ask your partner to choose between you or him or encourage him to move her out. That will feel like to the daughter, and be, rejection and abandonment. She does not need that blow at this time.

No decent parent would choose a partner over their child in need in this circumstance.

Continualloop · 23/05/2025 08:30

I have to say, I’m surprised at people saying he should leave his daughter at weekends. With a newborn, I would stay with my child throughout all of the newborn phase to support her, being as she is effectively a single parent. My partner is an adult and can take care of herself for a few months. She doesn’t need to learn to ‘stand on her own two feet’ in her circumstances at this early stage. That can come later. She needs to have her family love her, support her, have her back. The risk of PND needs to be avoided. The baby needs a mother who is coping and able to bond with her/ him.

OP is not the priority her. She can visit her partner if she wishes, or stay away if she wishes.

The priority is ensuring the mother transitions to being a mother with support so her and the baby do well and they bond, and the mother gains confidence.

Once that is done, a move to greater independence can begin.

YinYangalang · 23/05/2025 08:34

Accept the relationship has changed. Decide if it is still what you want. These are perfectly reasonable actions of someone in your situation. No need to feel guilt. These are the facts.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 23/05/2025 08:38

We have a primary school dc and 1 of my older teens has a baby at home. I absolutely feel for you op. Start making plans together away from his home...

PristineDuckPond · 23/05/2025 08:47

YinYangalang · 23/05/2025 08:34

Accept the relationship has changed. Decide if it is still what you want. These are perfectly reasonable actions of someone in your situation. No need to feel guilt. These are the facts.

This. You’re not a cow in the slightest, OP. You’re dealing with a change you didn’t anticipate that has impacted your relationship and your life negatively, through no fault of yours or your partner’s. Take some time to think about whether it’s a relationship that still works for you.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/05/2025 08:49

You're not a cow at all op, no one would blame you for walking away.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/05/2025 09:11

Why can’t he come to your house at the weekend?

PristineDuckPond · 23/05/2025 09:13

Lurkingandlearning · 23/05/2025 09:11

Why can’t he come to your house at the weekend?

I assume because he thinks his daughter would let her boyfriend into his house when he wasn’t home — apparently he thinks he would rob the house?

smallstitch · 23/05/2025 09:20

Why isn’t he just spending weekends at yours instead? She would have her own space and you’d get some peace and quiet.
I can see why it’s frustrating, we all make plans in our heads for when we have the house to ourselves, and it’s annoying when it goes awry!
As PP said, if he spends too much time being there for her it would be easy for her to absolve herself of responsibility and you two end up babysitting all the time.

HedgehogOnTheBike · 23/05/2025 09:21

Some people saying the dad / op's partner can't leave at weekends as he must stay to help care for his DD. I was a young mum and coped perfectly fine at 20 with my baby, single mum. By that I mean don't infantalise the daughter and say her dad has to stay to look after her at weekends. That's nonsense. 20 is an adult woman who made her own choices to be a semi single mother.

OP it's a tough one but it won't be forever. DP can visit you at weekends.

Both support DD into a flat of her own if possible, near to her Dad and then she has independence and you have your life back...albeit as grandparents now.

A different life ahead but hopefully a joyful one.

PristineDuckPond · 23/05/2025 09:45

@smallstitch and @HedgehogOnTheBike as the OP says that her partner won’t let the baby’s father in his house as he thinks he’s likely to rob him, I assume he’s afraid that his daughter would let him in while he visited the OP.

TheAmusedQuail · 23/05/2025 10:01

I would just draw back a bit from the relationship with your partner.

Unless the SD moves out, your relationship is (sorry) doomed anyway, so I would start going into self-protective mode.

I do feel sorry for your DP but it's his DD and his issue. Not yours. Only you can give you the life you want. And his life currently isn't one you want to be enmeshed with.

AlorsTimeForWine · 23/05/2025 10:07

You aren't a cow
Short term -
Is it possible to spend weekends at yours not his?
She should be able.to look after her own child for a 48 hr period.

This might provide the space for you to have a conversation with your Bf about how he sees the future...if it doesnt involve her living independently you probably have a problem.

I dont think it wpuld be wrong if you decided to end things.l because honestly she sounds VERY dependent and this can easily go on for a decade plus... eek!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread