How to not interfere when your adult child makes mistakes

[Tobbay]

Hi , I am really struggling with my twenty one year old son. Ive brought up my Sons to ne active and have a good balance in life, with being active, being outside, relaxing, working etc...he has always needed lots of activity and variety in his day as he has ADHD.

For the last 2yrs, he has basically not left the house because his girlfriend stays in her dressing gown all day and doesn't leave the room (at hers and ours). He has also cut off all of his friends because they were getting into trouble, so that was a great choice.

He used to come in the garden or out for a walk every day, he now doesn't leave his room. He works from there, eats up there and gets no sunlight or exercise.

I'm struggling to stop telling him to get outside for a while or meet new people, as I can see him becoming more angry, more isolated and lonely. He's better when his girlfriend isnt here but I can't stop her coming because that's the only friend he has.

What I'm asking is... should I stop asking him to get outside/walk/leave the room/leave the house and let him damage his mental health and physical health?
He gets really cross and says it's up to him, but I know that he wants much more in life, but is struggling how to do that.
I'm aware that I'm annoying but it's so hard to watch a talented, fit your man fester in a hot bedroom.

Or is it acceptable to say this as he is still living at home?

That sounds really unhealthy
so his work is totally home based? Even working in a cafe if he has no office would be better than this

You’re enabling him by allowing them to exist like this under your roof

the girlfriend must leave

financially…. How do they survive?

Well for a start they eat downstairs, do not have to eat with you but no more food in the bedroom. Put in some boundaries, you cannot change how they live their lives but you do have a say in how they live in your home. Perhaps try one meal a week with him, Sunday lunch or something. Ultimately they need to learn to live independently in their own home.

This will be the end result of years and years of this kind of disrespect being allowed by the Op

🤔Time to move out

I know, but he won't. He has pathological demand avoidance as well so ANYTHING I remotely suggest or advise, he will do the opposite.

Neither he nor her work… correct?

Came here for advice, not criticism.

Do you have any neurodiverse children @Bubblewrapper?

I do indeed

15 year old DS ADHD

op… how does this pair do financially?

This sounds really tough @Tobbay. I'm sorry you've received some judgemental comments, it's easy to give advice like that when you haven't been in this type of situation yourself.

I can thoroughly recommend an organisation called 'parenting mental health' (abbreviated to PMH). You'll find them on Facebook. It's got a huge amount of followers including a core of wise parents who have been, or are still in, similar shoes to you.

You'll find support and advice wrt parenting neurodiverse children (including adult children) and PDA amongst other things.

You'll find won't be judged, but welcomed.

If he’ll do the opposite of what you ask or demand would reverse psychology work?

Where did you read that? The OP mentions two years that he's had this issue, and had a healthy active life before that.

Op would he consider therapy, and do you have the resources to pay for some privately?

It's much easier to take advice from someone who isn't your parent (at any age). He sounds depressed, or maybe just in a rut, but if his friends aren't involved anymore, he might not know what to do with himself and need someone to talk to.

Then i'm very surprised at your critical and judgmental comments.

He’s working? So what is he doing with his income? I think (and I say this as the Mum of a child with complex severe autism, I know it’s not easy!) you need to charge him a decent amount of rent (are you doing this already)? Girlfriend can only stay for a night or two a week. It’s difficult I know but he’s clearly got very comfortable and needs pushing a little.

Thank you and you are correct..

Thank you, that's very kind and helpful x

How does he or his GF get money?

As your advice is falling on deaf ears I don't think that you have any choice but to leave him to it. You could suggest going out together for a meal with girlfriend, buying him some sort of experience for his birthday, arranging therapy if he'd go but it pointless just repeating yourself.

I have neurodiverse children - teens. I’m worried about the young adult years.

have you got a dog - could you consider getting one?

the support I have got emphasises focusing on the big things - or just one thing / and let everything else slide. Not leaving the room sounds like a big thing and worth focusing on. The support I have sought out also provides therapy to the parent as the first step : have you got health insurance or the means to get family therapy to support you?

you say he works - is that paid employment or some other type of engagement?

It is not critical and judgemental

your son is behaving abysmally. Your adult son. The disrespect is profound and shocking.

that doesn’t happen overnight

Good luck getting an answer

Op if you want genuine advice, be honest.

you have been posting for years about your son

indeed he was even excused from school aged 12 and you write about his constant abuse and disrespect to you

id be honest - ‘I’m concerned about these behaviours and will no longer facilitate. Food is not taken upstairs. Your girlfriend may stay over once per week. Id prefer you went outside and exercised once a day but realise that i can’t enforce this’

OP says he is working so presumably gets money and does he pay rent?

I also have a 20 yr old son who does work outside the home (late evenings) but seems to spend the rest of his time in bed.

I don 't know OP but I empathise.