Still struggling with empty nest but also dreading them coming back for summer!

[Notknots]

My last of three dcs moved out last September for university, and finally the nest was empty.
I admit it has been harder than I anticipated. I work f/t in a demanding position that is stressful and yet fulfilling. My relationship with DH is good, we've been through a lot over the past 20 something years and we look forward to this new stage of our lives.

I am still close to all DCs and in particular this dd as she's adjusted to uni life away from home.

And so despite all this I have been overcome at times with such sadness and sense of loss, even this week. It's not as bad as last year but I am so unsettled and lost at times.

And now I've realised in just over a month dd is coming back home for summer. She plans on moving with flatmates and working a lot so will be coming and going I guess, until she goes again for her second year. So am I going to experience the loss all over again? I'm dreading getting used to her back only for her to obviously have to go again. I feel pathetic.

Anyone else relate? Any tips or advice? It so unexpected to still feel like this.

I have just one DD who is finishing up her 2nd year at university.

I'm lucky that her campus isn't too far away so I get to see her often but I miss her daily presence in our home. She's such fun!

However, when she is back it's not the same because she is so focused on her life outside of the home - her part time job, her friends, her boyfriend. Perfectly natural but it makes me realise that a very happy chapter of my life - her childhood - is well and truly over.

Her next chapter is exciting - in September she will be studying abroad for a year. So I am making myself plan for the next chapter of my life and promising myself it will be good.

I have a good relationship with DH, enjoy my job but it's 90% wfh. No family close by and I don't have many friends so it will be a challenge but I'm up for it.

Yep! I hear you.

My DD is my youngest and last to leave home. She comes home this weekend for the Summer and I am so excited to have her back.

Like you I have a very good solid marriage and my DH are enjoying this stage of our lives but we also love it when the 'kids' come home. I have missed her more than I realised and have times when I feel sad that their childhoods have gone and I miss the noise and laughter that no longer rings round the house.

When she is home she is often not here. She has a boyfriend, friends and a part time job over Summer along with a couple of holidays booked so she will be flitting in and out and not always staying at home, often staying with her boyfriend or with friends. But I love that she has such a happy young life and I am immensely proud of her. But I still wish at times that I could keep her here all to myself. Snuggled up on the sofa watching movies like we always used to. Because I just adore her company.

Its a real adjustment to our lives when our DC's grow up and become independent adults that we no longer share day to day life with. So it is bound to take some time for all this to just feel like its the new normal.

You do not own your children! They are not possessions to be clung onto. I’d try telling yourselves what a great job you have done by having young people who are confident and have a purpose to life. There will be bumps along the way so of course your presence will be needed. However they need to go into the world without you being ever present. They never fully go - my dd has finally cleared out her bedroom - aged 32, but we have just had a short holiday together.

I know people with dc (and baby grandchild) in Australia. I’d not worry about university if this decision was coming down the track!

TizerorFizz no one is saying we believe we own our DC nor are we treating them like possessions. We're just having a chat about what can be a poignant time in our lives. A reset as it were.

It just all sounds rather needy and self centred. Find joy in what dc are doing maybe? I agree some people find dc leaving home difficult but it’s something we can prepare for. We do know it’s probably going to happen. Being positive is really so much more healthy.

I found the transitions really hard when my DD was still at university and coming and going. It’s like they still have a foot in the door but aren’t with you long enough to get used it and to properly settle. As soon as we had got into a routine, she was off again, and yes, it felt like I had to adjust to her going all over again, just like the first time, and it was that raw painful feeling.

Now that my DD has finished Uni, working and living with her boyfriend, settled in her own home, I’m finding it so much better and easier to accept. She’s lovely and visits regularly for the weekend, and I do miss her company inbetween times, but it has a much more stable feel about the situation and I’m really glad that those see/sawing, emotionally draining Uni years are over. My DD found the transitions of uni/home/uni really hard too.

I hear you op, it’s such big change to used to, it’s the coming back and going is what seems to make the adjustments harder
I’ve got a few friends who’s dc went to uni last Sept, and mine will be hopefully going this Sept, it sure is a strange time that makes you feel very reflective
what al an we do but try to embrace the next chapter tho
it’d a blessing you have such a good relationship with her to the point you miss her. No advice really as I’m feeling unsettled with the thought of mine leaving here and going off living in a big city, but I’m gonna to just try and accept it and give time to adjust
but I hear you

TizerorFizz give it a rest. You're interpreting it as needy and self centred but it's nothing of the kind. We're all working women with strong marriages who are proudly watching our adult DC make their way in life using the skills and confidence we've instilled in them. But we can miss them without getting a telling off from A Superior Parent.

Oh dear god yes... the constant dread of feeling bereft, all over again! I hate it!

TizerorFizz doing their usual I see 🫣

I agree with previous posters, the transitions can be tough. I have no words of wisdom or advice but I just wanted to say I get you!

Yes exactly!
It's a rollercoaster isn't it.

I do find joy in what the DCs are doing!
I'm really proud of them all and so happy they are living their lives out in the world.

It is possible to hold more than one feeling or emotion at the same time you know.

It has nothing to do with being positive or not. Have you even had dcs leave home because you don't seem to understand a thing that is being said in this thread?

I know what you mean, my DD is so fun as well. I get what you mean exactly about them being focused on their life outside the home.
It's actually amazing to watch how quickly they adapt.
How exciting for you and her, will you be able to visit her abroad?

One thing I have found helpful is being able to visit my dcs when they settle into a new place.

Sorry I read the replies in the wrong order and was short with you in my previous reply, I apologise as I see you do have at least one DC that has left home.

I'm not sitting moping, I don't feel I own my dcs at all and they don't owe me anything,
but I am struggling more with my last DC than the previous two when they left home and wondered if anyone else was the same. That is all. And it looks like I'm not alone.

I totally get it too, i really do.

It makes me laugh that the minute you get used to just shopping for yourself/ves, the kids come back from college and you have to relearn all over again! I do get it but I learned from when #1 left, you have to be proactive about getting used to the new normal. I always well up waving my kids off again (and my Mum did too!) but then I shut the door, allow myself to acknowledge the sadness and then it feels ok. And DH and I ALWAYS go out for dinner that night to remind ourselves how much cheaper it is when we are just feeding us!

How exciting for you and her, will you be able to visit her abroad?

Yes, she will be on the Eurostar route so will definitely visit.

Yes, I hear you. I think it’s the interdependency at this point in their lives and all the comings and goings. Relatively short university terms, interspersed with long periods back at home. Lots of disruptions/adjustments for them with halls and new houses each year. All the bugs that come with uni life. The massive costs. Part time jobs, changing of jobs, changing friendships and boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s a lot for us to hear and fret about. Especially when we’re busy with full time jobs and our own life adjustments. When they’re home it’s lovely but they are in and out often at all hours and it’s disruptive. Then they’re gone again and the house feels like a bloody morgue. Our parents would have been far less aware as no mobile phones.

When you think about it, apart from rich people sending their kids to boarding school, it’s never been normal for young adults to move so far away from their families. Traditionally a woman would have a bunch of kids and the eldest one would be married and living round the corner. By the time the youngest was married there would already be a stream of grandchildren milling around the houses. Having an empty nest would have been an unusual situation.

thelandslidethatbroughtmedown

I work from home and have no friends. I hear you.

I'm going to ask my boss if I can have a longer lunch break to give me a chance to get out of the house and see/speak to another human.

OP the only comfort I have is reading that Michelle Obama is struggling with the empty nest. All perfectly normal and really hard

Yes, i read that about Michelle Obama. I read she is getting therapy to adjust to this new way of life. I'm glad someone like that has spoken out, i thought because I've never worked full time or had an exciting career that i feel it more as the kids have been my focus all this time. But it seems to be universal. I even read that David Beckham said his house is too quiet as they only have the youngest at home.

So we're not alone!

ssd

I have it really bad too

I work from home and have no friends. I hear you. I'm going to ask my boss if I can have a longer lunch break to give me a chance to get out of the house and see/speak to another human.

@Georgeismydog I was going to ask you if you have a dog, then noticed your username so I hope that means you do!

Yes, I'd love a longer break so my dog and I could get out and pass the time of day with others. I really miss my work colleagues.

I used to love DD coming in from Sixth Form college and us having a coffee and chat before she went to study or socialise.

I NC very frequently but there’s a poster here whom I recognise from other threads and she absolutely loves to tell others off. It’s pathological.

OP I don’t yet have an empty nest but I completely sympathise. We do have a paradoxical role as mums — preparing our DC for independence and then being somewhat bereft when they achieve it! I think keeping busy is key. Good luck.