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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Ex told adult DS my private business

35 replies

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 14:06

My late father spent a few years in prison for fraud a couple of years before DS1 (26) was born.

I have never told our children this. I didn't see any need. He died when they were 10 and 3. DS1 has sweet childhood memories and DS2 barely any.

I have been divorced from his father for 8 years.

DS1 told me yesterday that my ex told him about my Dad. I simply said that it was not his business to discuss and then explained honestly and frankly about everything. I try not to bad mouth ex to the kids, so I've kept this bottled up. I asked DS1 not to tell DS2.

I don't have any sort of communication with ex any more (a Court Order stated DS2 didn't have to see him any more a few years ago so I have no need to communicate with him). So I will not confront him.

I just feel sad that DS1 now has a different opinion about his Grandad.

OP posts:
PlanetOtter · 22/04/2025 16:14

Whether or not it was your ex’s place to tell, I think it’s right your DC have the information. It’s their family history too (it’s not really ‘your private business’).

It might well come out further down the line, and you do it want DC thinking you’ve misled them.

RedHelenB · 22/04/2025 16:21

You can't sanctify someone. That bit of information doesn't change the happy memories you and yoyr sons have of your Dad. I don't think your ex has done anything wrong, the info that he went to prison is in rhe public domain. Family secrets aren't usually a good thing.

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2025 16:22

I’m pretty surprised that YOU haven’t already told them! Your ex did the right thing - keeping family secrets never ends well.

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 16:30

It's not a family secret as such. There has never been any sort of discussion among my siblings as to whether any of us have told our children. We rarely talk about that period at all.

Where is the information held publicly?

OP posts:
Waater · 22/04/2025 16:35

I found out my father had been in prison for theft in the 1950s from newspaper articles. I am interested in genealogy. Yes it was a shock, but a lot of things made sense. He was an addict and I believe he suffered brain damage.

I told my sister but not my mum (they were divorced but she adored him. He died in 1980).

It’s up to you if you tell your kids but it may well come out further down the line. Your ex is a spiteful piece of shit though.

DwarfPalmetto · 22/04/2025 17:30

It never was your private business. If he was tried and convicted the information is held publicly in court reports and legal databases. If there were any news reports at the time, those may also be publicly available.

DwarfPalmetto · 22/04/2025 17:34

I agree that keeping family secrets never ends well. I also think it was wrong of you to ask DS1 to keep it secret from DS2.

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2025 17:40

Keeping secrets makes the reality seem worse than necessary.

This was never your private business. It is a matter of public record that your sons could have discovered independently.

ambercabs · 22/04/2025 17:43

Awful of you to ask one of your DC to keep something from the other. Please speak to them again and explain you were wrong to ask that of them.

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 17:43

OK got it.

My ex did the right thing then.

Good to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 17:50

ambercabs · 22/04/2025 17:43

Awful of you to ask one of your DC to keep something from the other. Please speak to them again and explain you were wrong to ask that of them.

No, an adult keeping something from a child is not wrong.
My adult son knows many, many things that his younger brother does not know.
e.g. some of the details surrounding the divorce.
I will tell my teenage son when he is older.

I was hoping for some words of support - agreeing that it was not my ex's place to tell my son. If he feels so strongly that he/they need to know then he could have discussed with me.

Or understanding that it was upsetting for me to hear it just out of the blue.

Never mind, I've spoken to my sister who understands how I feel.

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves24 · 22/04/2025 17:52

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 17:43

OK got it.

My ex did the right thing then.

Good to know.

No he didn't.

it wasn't his business and it wasn't his place to tell your son.

it's irrelevant whether it's information in the public domain or not, it's hardly likely your son at his age would have been going to look for family history or stumbled across it accidentally. I can't think of any.'Good' reason he would've told DS1.

Wanker

However, you need to talk to DS1 & ask him why it has changed his memories of his time with his grandad because something that happened many years before he was born has no bearing on his relationship with him.

Apologise for not telling him sooner, if he feels it's something he should have known, but explain that when he was very young, it was inappropriate to tell him and after his grandfather had died it didn't feel right to tell him and actually doesn't affect DS's life at all.

Given DS2 doesn't really remember him only the odd little memory, he probably won't be bothered to know his grandfather had a pass many many years before he was born, I would tell him and tell DS1 that you have now told DS2 so it's no longer needs to keep to himself.

myplace · 22/04/2025 17:53

It was not your exs place, and it’s likely he did it out of malice. That’s a separate issue from whether your DS should know.

At an age appropriate time, he should know. It’s his history too, and it will colour his thinking on complicated issues. People can be a brilliant grandad and have done time for fraud. We all need to understand that.

lunatilly · 22/04/2025 17:56

It wasn’t your ex’s place to tell your son and makes him look spiteful, vindictive and determined to wrong foot you. I’d have been furious that he’d attempted to undermine my son’s perception of his grandfather.

Roseshavethorns · 22/04/2025 17:57

The trouble with family secrets is that they are often exposed in a very dramatic way causing hurt and embarrassment.
What could have been raised in a gentle way during a conversation about honesty and consequences has now become a huge issue that has driven a wedge between you and your son. You are now asking one brother to lie to another, that is only going to cause distress and bad feelings.
It wasn't your xh place to tell your son. I am unsure if it came up in conversation or if he did it out of spite (or even both) but your son knows now and you have to deal with it. They will take their cue from you. If you are devastated and ashamed then they will be too.
Rather than be angry at what has happened try to work out how to move forward. I would suggest sitting them both down and tell them that as much as you loved your dad he wasn't perfect and he made a mistake. He paid dearly for the mistake. You still loved him, flaws and all and it doesn't take away from the memories you all had together.
If your sons ask why you didn't tell them, be honest. You didn't want to tarnish their memories.

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 18:02

has now become a huge issue that has driven a wedge between you and your son. You are now asking one brother to lie to another, that is only going to cause distress and bad feelings.

No issue at all. We had a discussion and then moved on. I am not asking him to lie ie if his younger brother asks then he will be honest. I asked him not to actively tell his brother.

OP posts:
Boreded · 22/04/2025 18:10

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 17:50

No, an adult keeping something from a child is not wrong.
My adult son knows many, many things that his younger brother does not know.
e.g. some of the details surrounding the divorce.
I will tell my teenage son when he is older.

I was hoping for some words of support - agreeing that it was not my ex's place to tell my son. If he feels so strongly that he/they need to know then he could have discussed with me.

Or understanding that it was upsetting for me to hear it just out of the blue.

Never mind, I've spoken to my sister who understands how I feel.

Show quote history

He isn’t a child…he is 19, but I do agree the ex should have minded his own business

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 18:14

Boreded · 22/04/2025 18:10

He isn’t a child…he is 19, but I do agree the ex should have minded his own business

Edited
Show quote history

ds2 is 16, ds1 is 26

OP posts:
ambercabs · 22/04/2025 18:24

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 18:14

ds2 is 16, ds1 is 26

Show quote history

Hardly a child then. And going forward he will be an adult soon. I still think it was wrong of you to ask your other DC to keep it from him. That’s a horrible position to choose to out your child in.

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 18:48

ambercabs · 22/04/2025 18:24

Hardly a child then. And going forward he will be an adult soon. I still think it was wrong of you to ask your other DC to keep it from him. That’s a horrible position to choose to out your child in.

Show quote history

He's just turned 16 and is a child for another 2 years.
I can see no reason at all for DS1 to tell DS2 or that keeping it from him is putting him in any sort of difficult position.

Both maternal GPs have been dead for many years. There is no old family home we visit. DS1 doesn't live at home ie they don't see each other often.

You are of course entitled to think I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Boreded · 22/04/2025 18:53

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 18:14

ds2 is 16, ds1 is 26

Show quote history

Original post aged them at 10 and 3…so eldest is 26, minus 7 is 19?

presumably your original post is a typo, probably need to ask to edit it to avoid the confusion

Radiatorvalves · 22/04/2025 18:53

Honestly I’d tell younger DS. We had a fairly major family secret kept for years by my mum. She’s dead but now everyone knows… I told my kids when they were prob about 10.

Original poster
rosemarble · 22/04/2025 19:04

Boreded · 22/04/2025 18:53

Original post aged them at 10 and 3…so eldest is 26, minus 7 is 19?

presumably your original post is a typo, probably need to ask to edit it to avoid the confusion

Show quote history

Ah right - too late to edit now. Yes, 13 and 3. I was getting muddled with my Mum's death 3 years prior to Dad.

OP posts:
RentalWoesNotFun · 22/04/2025 19:05

Many people feel ashamed by something a loved one has done. And presume others will too so try and hide it.

Yet sometimes the others don’t feel like that at all and it’s no big deal.

Your ex was likely being a prick. Just as well he’s out of your life.

I doubt your kids will feel the shame you feel. As long as you support them and explain it to them they will understand. Everyone makes mistakes and pays for them. Grandad was one. Not biggee. Unless of course it was murder of gran or something…. But that’s not the case here.

Boreded · 22/04/2025 19:08

rosemarble · 22/04/2025 19:04

Ah right - too late to edit now. Yes, 13 and 3. I was getting muddled with my Mum's death 3 years prior to Dad.

Show quote history

I thought I was losing the plot for a second there 😂 had to scroll up and double check.

anyway, your ex is an ass, but that’s why he is an ex so 🤷‍♀️ be glad you got rid of him and have to have far more limited interaction (even if it is when he is spilling family secrets - the dick)

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