Ex told adult DS my private business

[rosemarble]

My late father spent a few years in prison for fraud a couple of years before DS1 (26) was born.

I have never told our children this. I didn't see any need. He died when they were 10 and 3. DS1 has sweet childhood memories and DS2 barely any.

I have been divorced from his father for 8 years.

DS1 told me yesterday that my ex told him about my Dad. I simply said that it was not his business to discuss and then explained honestly and frankly about everything. I try not to bad mouth ex to the kids, so I've kept this bottled up. I asked DS1 not to tell DS2.

I don't have any sort of communication with ex any more (a Court Order stated DS2 didn't have to see him any more a few years ago so I have no need to communicate with him). So I will not confront him.

I just feel sad that DS1 now has a different opinion about his Grandad.

It was not your ex’s place to tell about this, and I bet he didn’t tell it accidentally.
My late Dad was alcoholic, he gave up drinking before I got married DH so neither DH nor DD knew him from this side. And believe me it wasn’t quiet drinking and sleeping in the corner. I told DH some info to explain why we shouldn’t drink in front of Dad but that’s about it. I told him everything only when Dad died and I felt the need for it. I didn’t tell DD anything. I might tell her in the future but it should be my decision and only if it benefits her. I bet your ex wasn’t thinking about DS1’s interests.

No one is perfect. And people do make mistakes, sometimes due to circumstances and stupidity. They can still be loving grandparents afterwards.

I think it is good to tell kids this. I had a friend with a relative who was an alcoholic and died because of it. He didn’t drink until his mid-20s and then only in moderation, and it was because of this life lesson

Nah, he did it out of spite.

Just tell the 16yr old. He's not a baby and its really not all that of a big deal. Otherwise you are just going to end up constantly worrying that he's going.g to find out. Just get it over and done with .

I agree that it isn’t your ex’s place to tell your DS. He should have heard it from you.

I don’t understand why it is such a big secret - and I think your 16 yo should know too.

@Boreded I’m not against telling in principle but it’s up to a relevant parent to decide what and when.
The alcohol issues are absolutely not relevant to my DD who is not interested in alcohol and has very limited sweet memories of Grandad reading her a story book. So I’ll leave it as it is.

He was a dick in telling as it wasn’t his place, but it’s hardly the shock of the century.

If it was for something truly vile then yes, but fraud? Your children will be fine. I’m unsure why you have an issue with the teenager knowing.

It's really not some hush hush secret that is ever discussed or not discussed. It's not like me and my siblings talk about it and then have to stop the conversation when one of any of our children enter the room.
Some of my nieces and nephews may have been told, I don't know.
None of that generation were born (my DS1 is the oldest grandchild) during the time my Dad was in prison.

The reason I asked DS1 not to tell DS2 is because 1) it's for me to tell him and 2) he's just turned 16 and I would hate for him to somehow glorify it. I wouldn't want to tell him not to discuss with his good friends because that does attach shame to it and it would be good for him to talk with his mates in a mature way, but equally I know they can get silly, and I don't know....he tells his friend, they pass the prison on the way to a football match and his mate starts the 'banter'. Sometimes awkwardness manifests itself as being a dick.

nb they do pass a high security prison on the way to where they play some matches, I'm not inventing scenarios. Not the one my Dad was at - he was in an open one.

He's also just about to sit his GCSE's and although he's taking it all in his stride, I don't feel a need to tell him now.

Reading some of these comments, maybe I will sit him down and tell him after his exams.

And I was like "shut up...as if I don't know how old my kids are.....pffff"! 😂