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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Daughters out of work fiancé living with us

26 replies

Ned69 · 02/04/2025 14:41

I am finding having my 27 year old daughter living back at home after being in London for 5 years impossible. She has recently come home and moved her fisnce in with her as they can’t rent their own place as he can’t get a job. He doesn’t drive and left his precious role because of his boss bullying him. It’s been 6 months of him not working and hanging about in her room whilst we all go to work. It’s causing great stress between my husband and I.

i have tried to help him get a job but nothing comes of any of it. How on earth do you talk to someone you hardly know about your frustration? My daughter says he will sort himself out eventually but my god it’s driving me mad.

OP posts:
Jammiesdodger · 02/04/2025 14:43

What's his excuse about not finding a job?

Somanyoption · 02/04/2025 14:44

Aren’t you worried about your daughter marrying someone in such dire financial straits and with a crap attitude to boot

Was there any plan for when they’d move on when they moved in?

Would I be right in thinking there’s also “issues” with your daughters behaviour and attitude?

purplecorkheart · 02/04/2025 14:44

Why are you putting up with this? Did you give your daughter permission to move him in?

Give him a deadline to move out. If needs be he can present himself as homeless. Your dd can rent a room somewhere for them both if she leaves too.

WompWompBoom · 02/04/2025 14:45

Move him back out. He's not your issue right now. Does DD pay anything towards living at home? And pull her weight?

Somanyoption · 02/04/2025 14:45

Why is it causing street between you and your husband? Does he want them out and you don’t?

Goldiefrocks · 02/04/2025 14:45

He needs to go home to his parents then

Original poster
Ned69 · 02/04/2025 14:48

His excuse is he keeps applying but has no luck.

yes I am so worried about my daughter being committed to him. But she says I don’t understand his past and how his parents didn’t give him guidance. She is smitten with him.

he is very quiet and keeps himself in her room all day.

it’s not right but I don’t want to raise anything that might cause upset as she’s so happy with him.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 02/04/2025 14:53

Yeah, this is not acceptable is it? I am guessing your dh is sick of it but you don't want to upset anyone - or perhaps it's the other way round.

You have to upset someone now, before it goes on longer and you get even more fed up! You don't say if they are making a financial contribution but you are perfectly withon your rights to expect one from the pair of them (even if you put it aside to loan dd as a rental deposit) and tell them they have until eg mid-May then the arrangement ends..

The fiance needs to take responsibility for himself, sign on for JSA, find somewhere to live eg a room in an HMO and generally act rlike an adult.

God knows what your daughter sees in him if he cant even manage to do this.

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 14:58

Good parenting does sometimes involve causing upset OP - true with toddlers , true with adult children who are not adulting effectively.

Marianwallace · 02/04/2025 14:58

I really do understand the issue of having a young adult child in a relationship that you have concerns about. The need to feel that you have to tread carefully to avoid pushing your child away, and further into the arms of the one causing concerns.

But separately I think the problem is that as you’ve already let him live in your house.

If you aren’t happy I’d give them a deadline. There is no excuse for him not working. No doubt they want to be treated like adults. They need to behave like an adults.

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 15:00

I would definitely be tempted to ask how she sees her married life looking with an unemployed husband who stays in his bedroom all day...

Mouldybut · 02/04/2025 15:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Outofthepan · 02/04/2025 15:10

I just wouldn’t have this. They’re adults and need to sort their own accommodation.

If your dh is in agreement I’d sit them diem tonight and give them a month to find somewhere.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 02/04/2025 15:16

Currently he has not the need to get a job or move forward. Stop enabling.

QueenBakingBee · 02/04/2025 15:23

OP is he signing on? Then he will get access to support to move into employment. If he refuses that, then you can draw your line in the sand.

moveoveralice · 02/04/2025 15:29

Marianwallace · 02/04/2025 14:58

I really do understand the issue of having a young adult child in a relationship that you have concerns about. The need to feel that you have to tread carefully to avoid pushing your child away, and further into the arms of the one causing concerns.

But separately I think the problem is that as you’ve already let him live in your house.

If you aren’t happy I’d give them a deadline. There is no excuse for him not working. No doubt they want to be treated like adults. They need to behave like an adults.

Edited

The daughter is 27 not 19!

OP, give them both notice. I couldn't stand this for a week, let alone 6 months. The fiance is a loser and your dd is enabling him. How can she think this is remotely acceptable? Isn't she embarrassed to have foisted this layabout on you? I assume he doesn't contribute in any way either..

Toughen up and tell them it isn't working and you want your home back,

OhCobblers · 02/04/2025 15:43

Not a chance I’d have my child at home age 27!! And with an out of work fiance! That’s a hard no. Your daughter is incredibly unreasonable not to see how ridiculous this set up is! Let alone her fiance!

LoyalMember · 03/04/2025 14:31

Doesn't drive and unemployed? Oh, what a lucky girl your daughter is...

Lentilweaver · 03/04/2025 16:57

I really do not understand why parents put up with this. My children will always have a home with me. But no partner will be allowed in my home. They can go to their own parents.

Broadswordcallingdannyboy1 · 03/04/2025 17:03

OhCobblers · 02/04/2025 15:43

Not a chance I’d have my child at home age 27!! And with an out of work fiance! That’s a hard no. Your daughter is incredibly unreasonable not to see how ridiculous this set up is! Let alone her fiance!

My DC is 26 and still lives at home. They plan to move out at 30 when they have saved £150k and can afford to buy a property. Children move out later nowadays.

I wouldn't have a partner moving in though!

Halfemptyhalfling · 03/04/2025 17:05

I would give him lots of jobs round the house eg clean the oven, pruning hedges, cleaning out the wheelie bin, decorating a room(start with bathroom or something not on show) cook meals.

Is he gaming all day? Is he not very bored?

If he doesn't like the jobs he might leave anyway

You can say he's been here long enough that he isn't a guest so needs to help out and learn useful skills for the future

Speckson · 03/04/2025 17:07

Halfemptyhalfling · 03/04/2025 17:05

I would give him lots of jobs round the house eg clean the oven, pruning hedges, cleaning out the wheelie bin, decorating a room(start with bathroom or something not on show) cook meals.

Is he gaming all day? Is he not very bored?

If he doesn't like the jobs he might leave anyway

You can say he's been here long enough that he isn't a guest so needs to help out and learn useful skills for the future

I agree. He may as well make himself useful so that you can all relax when you get home from work.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 03/04/2025 17:08

Did you actually agree to him moving in?

The phrase ‘DD moved him in’ alludes to it being non consensual

healthybychristmas · 03/04/2025 17:09

Broadswordcallingdannyboy1 · 03/04/2025 17:03

My DC is 26 and still lives at home. They plan to move out at 30 when they have saved £150k and can afford to buy a property. Children move out later nowadays.

I wouldn't have a partner moving in though!

Show quote history

Wow, how long will it take to save up 150,000? What kind of deposit is that where you live?

mambojambodothetango · 03/04/2025 17:14

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 14:58

Good parenting does sometimes involve causing upset OP - true with toddlers , true with adult children who are not adulting effectively.

This with knobs on

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