Entitled adult children

[Girliemum987]

Hi all I'm new to this so please bare with me.
I'm at my witts end.
I live with my husband and 2 daughters one of which is 21.
She dropped out of college and has done maybe 10 weeks of work since then.
She starts a new job does a week gets paid then doesn't go back.
Gives us a few quid to help out but not willingly.
She doesn't help around d the house unless I ask her too and eats everything.
My husband (her dad) has got to the point he has well and truly had enough of the laziness, her entitled behaviour like we owe her something.
He told her to get out there and get a job by the end of the week or she's on her own.
We have told her that if she is going to be working and living at home she needs to pay her way.
We figured a full time job approx £11 per hour that £240 a month is reasonable, this includes everything, I do her washing, cooking, all the food she wants from shopping including bodysprays, feminine products and hair products.
She thinks this is extremely unfair and is not happy at all.
Am I being reasonable?
This is now effecting mine and my husbands relationship because he said if she doesn't start acting the age she is then ever she goes or he does..
I just can't bare it anymore, I feel like I go to work for the break.
Sorry for the rant just don't have anyone to talk to about this xx

OP, she needs to grow up! You and your husband are entirely reasonable and if she doesn't like it she can move out.
Stop indulging her, present a united front and don't cave in if she makes a fuss.

Why should she?

You have provided shelter, food, done the cooking, done her laundry, pays for bodysprays, feminine products and hair products? And make no demands? At all?

She is 21 old?

What is her motivation for getting an education? Doing an effort? Or working in a boring unskilled job?

Time to do things different, sorry.

Thank you for commenting.
If he did kick her out she would have no where to go though?
I hate it i wish she would just go to work, pay rent and live her life. She would rather lay about, go shopping with the little money she may have, clubbing or hanging with her boyfriend

I would just be happy for my adult DC to be working and pay a minimal amount at first.

She can go to the council and declare herself homeless. The council will call you and try to persuade you to change your minds (or they did with my DSIS and my DM refused to give in). DSIS was given emergency accommodation in a bedsit which she enjoyed for a few weeks then she returned home, having realised that living at home was a better deal.

Maybe some time living on benefits in temporary accommodation will be a wake up call for your DD.

Even if she sofa surfs in friend's houses, that should still be a wake up call for her. Don't give her any money, let her claim UC. She'll have no money for shopping and they'll make her find a job.

She can go stay with her boyfriend, a friend, a hostel etc but you need to stick to it. She will be begging to come home but empty threats won't work, at the very least start putting her stuff in bin liners. Stop doing her washing, stop cooking for her. This probably all sounds so harsh but you're doing her no favours and she has no respect for you. I see so many people in their mid 20s in my work acting like they're still 18 with no sense of responsibility

Well I can see why your husband is at the end of his tether because you are just enabling her.

Stop cleaning for her
Stop doing her washing
Stop shopping/cooking for her

You might think you're helping but you are actually failing her. She is an adult who can't/won't look after herself and you need to accept your part in that and do what you can to change it.

She needs to grow up - she sounds like a spoilt brat!

You made this lifestyle possible for her? Ypu haven't fone her a favour.

She will have to grow up. Fast!

This was me with dps dd

Entitled little madam thought she was too good to get a job and it was our job to work hard and pay her way until she found a rich man to marry-in the meantime,we where meant to run round after her,buy her what she needed/wanted and do everything while she pissed about in life

He wasn't happy but bent over and was allowing it (I think he didn't want to stand up to her)

I had to put my foot down and say that she either got a job or she could fuck off

She chose to fuck off-she still thinks I'm the unreasonable one

She got a bedsit for a while (while signing on) before moving to uni halls

She seemed to think she could live on her loan and didn't need to get a job as her rich man would swoop in and marry her

He didn't materialise and she soon found she had to get a job and has grown up a tiny bit

She needs to move out-it will be the making of her

So much hate!
Try and encourage some independence without permanently damaging your relationship. Maybe she is struggling and finding it difficult. Some people find it more difficult than others to become independent - it’s not always ‘laziness’ or entitlement - it’s making the leap from being supported to being independent.

Encourage her to think about a hobby she really enjoys and to look into work opportunities from that. Explain if she struggles rather than leave to seek support. Think of ways she can become more independent and build her confidence. Can she drive? Maybe a target to reach might encourage her. And saving for lessons will encourage her to work etc.

Rather than kicking her out I would stop cleaning, cooking, washing for her and see how that goes.

It's slightly a monster of your own making.
Why are you doing all the chores for her? Washing, cooking, laundry? Stop babying her.

What has she done since 16?

Has she learnt to drive?

Get out there and get a job any job is not the best advice for your adult children.

She must have some idea about her future job interests?

Is she on benefits?

Does her boyfriend work?

Why wouldn’t she?! She’s living the life of Riley and you’re completely enabling it.

You’re providing her a hotel with on-tap maid service and meals included, and if she chooses to sit on her arse all day and then go clubbing, there are zero consequences.

There’s a middle ground, OP, between accommodating her piss-taking laziness and entitlement, and kicking her out on the pavement with her stuff in a bin bag.

You need to stop. Everything. Stop buying her food and cooking it for her. Stop buying all her toiletries. Stop doing her washing and ironing. Stop cleaning up after her. Tell her she’ll need to budget to feed herself. Give her a monthly bill for electricity and hot water. Change the wifi code and tell her it costs money to use it.

If she doesn’t accept your perfectly reasonable request for a small amount of money to cover the huge amount you provide for her, then let her provide for herself and get a real idea of what it actually costs. If she won’t contribute to family life by helping you, stop helping her. Let her realise that if she doesn’t pick up after herself, or cook, or do her washing, it won’t get done.

Have a united front with your DH on this; don’t be the soft touch who always relents and lets her get away with it, because you’re not doing her any favours. You’re not helping her become an independent adult by pandering to her every need and tolerating her shitty attitude.

Then reiterate your original offer and say she’s got 6 months to get her shit together and start paying rent, and if she’s still a whiny, rude waste of space at the end of that, she’s on her own.

I agree. Buy the food you and DH want and cook just for the two of you each evening, or cook for her too but make it clear that she needs to come down to set the table and clear up afterwards. Have some basic food in the kitchen that DD can help herself to but don't buy any treats or cosmetics for her, and don't clean her room or do her laundry. She may start to get a bit uncomfortable and look for a better solution.

But what can you do but any job if you drop out of school, doesn't bother to train for a job and have no qualifications?
You need to pay your bills remember...

@MumChp somewhere between 16 and 21 something has gone seriously wrong.

I agree she needs to be productive and pay her way but she obviously needs some help too.

Stop doing all her laundry etc. make her cook her own meals. Don’t throw her out though unless you can help her move out into a house-share and get her on benefits she needs a roof over her head at least.

Still I would expect her to do any boring job paying her rent a at houseshare and her own meals. Beggars can't be choosers.

Well I wouldn't kick her out, no, BUT I would expect her to pull her weight and stop buying stuff for her. No more washing, cleaning, cooking or shopping for her, or paying for any of her stuff.

There has to be some reason or motivation to work, you haven't given her that.

She's been thoroughly spoilt op, she needs a big wake up call, I don't blame your husband for feeling like this but has he also been effectively parenting her during the teenage years so she had some expectations of herself?

We've been telling our two eldest since secondary school started that their "jobs" were school and after school we'd support them in further education but otherwise they'd have to work and save a certain % for their own eventual home.
My 17yr old has 2 jobs and understands what is expected of him. He isn't perfect, no kid is but he is making steps towards self sufficiency and independence.
These conversations need to be started before they get to this point, she's acting like a 13yr old and she's been allowed to get away with a shitty attitude and a lack of respect not only for you, your husband and home but herself!

I don't think it's enough of a contribution. I wouldn't be buying toiletries or personal products. I wouldn't be doing her laundry. Our children contribute. They set up a direct debit or standing order....can never remember which it is! It's not a punishment but an understanding that this is what adults do. They don't have to live with us.

It doesn't sound like you've taught her how to be an adult. By doing all her laundry and cooking etc for her, rather than giving her greater responsibilities gradually and teaching her the basics. You've kept her in child mode and now her dad is getting angry at her. But why didn't he teach her how to cook and do laundry etc and help her grown into adulthood?

I agree with the posters saying not to kick her out but to stop doing her washing and cooking and stop buying her stuff.

Her boyfriend does not work.
I agreed to doing washing cooking ect while she was working. When she stopped I think I just kind of carried on. I know it's my own fault.
She has been in every job going, retail, care, bar work, restaurant. Just never sticks at it.
We were only asking for a small amount rent because she was only getting a week wage at most when she was working but my husband has now said, it's up to her if she wants to work 4 hours or 40 hours a week the rent will be the same. If she isn't happy she can leave.
There is nowhere I our area that will offer this price. A small single room to rent plus bills is coming in at £550 for a grotty place