Entitled adult children

[Girliemum987]

Hi all I'm new to this so please bare with me.
I'm at my witts end.
I live with my husband and 2 daughters one of which is 21.
She dropped out of college and has done maybe 10 weeks of work since then.
She starts a new job does a week gets paid then doesn't go back.
Gives us a few quid to help out but not willingly.
She doesn't help around d the house unless I ask her too and eats everything.
My husband (her dad) has got to the point he has well and truly had enough of the laziness, her entitled behaviour like we owe her something.
He told her to get out there and get a job by the end of the week or she's on her own.
We have told her that if she is going to be working and living at home she needs to pay her way.
We figured a full time job approx £11 per hour that £240 a month is reasonable, this includes everything, I do her washing, cooking, all the food she wants from shopping including bodysprays, feminine products and hair products.
She thinks this is extremely unfair and is not happy at all.
Am I being reasonable?
This is now effecting mine and my husbands relationship because he said if she doesn't start acting the age she is then ever she goes or he does..
I just can't bare it anymore, I feel like I go to work for the break.
Sorry for the rant just don't have anyone to talk to about this xx

You can’t kick her out. And your husband needs to pull his weight, rather than just issuing ultimatums.

Your DD’s behaviour is one of a 14-15 years old, what happened? When and why did you stop teaching her how to be independent?

Start again.
She washes and puts away her own clothes. She cleans after herself. She eats with you as a family. If she wants to eat on her own, whatever she wants, she goes and buys it herself. You provide the basic necessities, like tampons, toothpaste, deodorant, but anything else, she buys herself.

She acts like this because you allowed her. It’s your job as a parent to teach her. Throwing her out is not going to solve anything.

And yes, I do speak from experience. I did all that when my DD turned 14, I stopped the pocket money and only provided the basics, that made her get a Saturday job. And yes, I did get yelled at for being cruel and mean, she hated me initially. Then she calmed down and appreciated me more. She learnt it takes 7 hours to earn £30, so when I occasionally paid for stuff, she was grateful and asked me if I can afford it, am I sure it’s ok.

I only have one child, I was quite happy to pay for her lessons and a car, I gave her a budget, if she blows it all on lessons, she doesn’t have enough for a car, that made her focused and passed her test in the space of 6 months. I paid for half her insurance, she needed to pay the other half.
Basically, it’s a gradual process, but you have to go through it.

I don’t agree with kicking children out unless there’s something truly outrageous going on but I just want to say I’m going through similar with my DD and I’ve been thinking that £200 is a fair amount - that’s about £50/week for all bills + food, it’s nothing in comparison to what she’d have to pay even to live in a house share. I’d be happy even with £150.

I often wonder if this entitlement is social media related or I just got a little bit unlucky. My DD takes the idea of having to pay for anything as a massive offence and it’s becoming a problem.

I know you agreed to doing those things for her when she was working but it looks as though it's time to stop now.

No more cooking, cleaning washing or providing toiletries.

I'd also print off some housekeeping charts and laminate them and stick them up. The Organised Mum Method has some free ones. Explain that if she's not working you expect at least the level one jobs doing each day, they take half an hour.

What does she want to do long term. Is she happy not working, not saving and having a BF who also doesn't work?

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbam I'm not nitpicking but just wanted to say that you have to times the weekly amount by 4.3 to get the monthly amount.

So if you're charging £50 a week, it's actually £215 a month. Just wanted to point it out if you're teaching her to budget

Thats why I said “that’s about £200” and not “that’s £200” 😉

Thats why I said “that’s about £200” and not “that’s £200

Sorry you'd just be amazed how many people o come across through work who don't know this and can't work out how much they have coming in and how much goes out each month

Tell her if she wants to live like a child with all her shopping, cooking and laundry done for her, she's welcome to go out into the open rental market and see if she can find a landlord willing to do all that for her for £250 a month.

I agree! Being willing to do 'any job' while finding your ideal career is an important part of taking responsibility. It's not grown up to vaguely expect someone else to support you while you do nothing.

I agree on not making her move out for stopping washing/ cooking etc. I’d also try speak to her about why she’s not able to last more than a week in these jobs? My guess would be she has self confidence issues/ finds it too much? Could she need therapy?

I have an adult dd living at home.. good job and works hard. Of course she can cook for herself but I don't work so it's a pleasure to cook for her when I do for all of us. I'll miss her when she's gone. Of course they need to be independent but I don't understand the hate on here sometimes.

And I cooked for her when she was out of a job too!

Of course it's a pleasure to cook for your DC if you have time but the OP's situation is entirely different to yours. She's talking about working full time and having to look after a DD who has failed to launch into adulthood.

If I was at work all day and my adult DC were home, they'd cook the meal for everyone, not expect me to come home and do it for them. They're not 7

My dd was a bit like this. I gradually withdrew from doing stuff, encouraged her to cook (BUT with asking her what she wants to cook and eat) and asking for a small amount of house keeping.

She is now a delight to live with. Anything she did to help saw me almost fawning with gratitude, and I ignored any grumpiness. So, if she did something but grudgingly I still thanked her in a sunny way. It was teeth-clenching at times but has worked.

I wonder if you and dh are going at it a bit combatively?

How about framing it that you want to help her move forward so that she can get established and get a place of her own.

Step 1 is that she is responsible for all her laundry and cooking 1 meal a week. Assuming she can't cook, you will help her each week do a new recipe of her choosing. Do this for a couple of weeks then add in ....

Step 2 she is allocated specific chores eg cleaning the bathroom every other week and hoovering the living room.

Funds - where is her money coming from if she isn't working? If it's you then that stops. She has to sign on and go on UC. Start charging her a minimal rent. Tell her she must not keep eating everything and needs to buy her own food for at least lunches.

I say do it this way as there's a danger you'll go all in and it will be overwhelming for all parties snd nothing will change. It's easier and more rewarding to take small steps.

STOP, you are not helping her in any way and now it’s went in the opposite direction and her dad wants her out. Charge proper rent especially if you are paying for toiletries £300.00, £200.00 is a ridiculously low amount with all the extra you do.
please help her through this unsettled time but be firm about expectations in life. If she is only able to get minimum wage jobs why doesn’t she go and get some training to increase her earning potential in the future.

Ow are things this week @Girliemum987?

This post is a few weeks old. How are you getting on?

i think she needs a reality check because she’s taking advantage of you.
I have 4 daughters so I totally get it. But I absolutely expect respect first of all. I’m a pretty easy going mum but some things are non negotiable.
my 19 yr has had a year out after her Alevels and she going to uni in Sept.
she’s worked 2 jobs, enjoyed a great social life, lots of festivals and travelled to Thailand by herself. She saved up for it all and pays me £50/week to cover food, loo roll,soap etc. but she pays for her own luxuries and I consider phones, clothes, makeup, perfume, moisturiser, fancy shampoo etc etc all luxuries!!
she deserves to treat herself because she works hard.
it doesn’t need to be a throwing out situation… just “these are my rules take it or leave it” she’s old enough to decide. If she doesn’t like the rules then tell her she’ll have to find somewhere else.
it’s so hard but I promise you my kids don’t hate me for it. Quite the opposite

you deserve better 🫶🏻

My parents didn't cushion a return of mine. I tried to spend only one summer with them between uni years and after a week with them I packed, left and haven't been there ever since

And that's crazy because all Ukrainian mums here I meet have adult kids who find job without moaning but the mum is always under 50. So they all became mums around 18 to 23

You’d be surprised how soon they find a job when the luxuries shop. All mine have had jobs from 15 and they have learnt the value of money. They have gained so much from it too. It’s a harsh world out there.. if she thinks you’re being harsh then theres a massive shock coming for her.
Please do not feel bad….you are doing it because you love her and want her to be a happy, decent successful woman.

sorry if anyone is offended but it makes my blood boil when parents baby their children past a certain age. The country has far too many entitled lazy brats who are not over 16 and have everything handed to them! It’s easy to throw money around if you have it. Good parenting is way harder but it’s worth it in the end ❤️❤️

It’s crazy isn’t it. My youngest is so entitled and feels im the meanest mum in the world when I ask her to help round the house. I was helping at 13, cleaning, ironing my dads shirts, cleaning the brass 🤣
but we are getting there. You just have to be tough. All children will get away with whatever they can. These parents who are basically slaves to ungrateful adult children are creating humans who nobody will be able to tolerate!

It’s been a constant battle though and when they were at school the parents that allowed their kids to rule the roost and got showered with expensive clothes, shoes, latest iPhones made my job even harder. But I never cared what other parents did and I was probably thought of as the meanest mum because I bought trainers from Asda. But the girls actually all were fine and actually all the better for it now. They actually appreciate all I’ve done, not just my credit card!

Sadly it sounds like your DD has so far been enabled by you and DH to be at home and assume that she can live a Disney life ie you do everything for her and pay for her. Time to let her go and try and find a room / flat elsewhere for the amount you are suggesting. In the meantime stop doing her laundry / cooking for her / allowing her to take food from the fridge and generally organising / sorting her life. She will soon get the message and if she chooses to move in with her BF or whoever that’s fine. She will soon realise life isn’t greener when she is asked for rent / chip in with the housework and bills.

United front…..all conversations with her about the situation should be with both of you together. Start by telling her she’s responsible for her own washing, cleaning, cooking etc.

it won’t take long for her to realise she needs money for all that.