What to do about this situation which is destroying my life

[Silverstriver]

My DD is in her early thirties. Life has been tricky. She is very academic although a bumpy ride at first prestigious university though she went on to do very well elsewhere and has postgrad etc. Her dad died after a long illness although the end was sudden . I think she believes that her troubles accelerated his decline . She finds it hard to settle at anything and has low self esteem although she is actually v busy and I think beautiful. But she texts me all the time .. sometimes 10 times a day and often about how ugly she is.., how she cannot find the right job etc. sometimes it is just chat but often that is an opener. I am just worn down by it and feel it is slowly destroying me as I feel that despite a v happy childhood something has gone wrong . My late DH is not here to reassure me etc. I have amazingly … 5 years later met another man who is wonderful and indeed she gets on with him very well. But I feel that I am slowly ebbing away and cannot enjoy this amazing last chance at joy. I support her so much but nothing is enough. Also have another DS who is fine but I know he resents how much times is taken up by his sister Maybe there is nothing I can do?

I don’t understand what you mean you are ebbing away. Sounds like she just texts a lot and is unhappy. But you are ok, you have a nice partner, another child who is ok (is he?)?

She obviously suffers from anxiety and doesn't have much confidence in herself. I would suggest therapy and perhaps some books to read on raising her self esteem.

If you think she might need bereavement counselling, Cruse offer free counselling.

I would gradually start to broaden the time to respond to texts and create larger and larger gaps between responses. She seems to be using you as a comfort blanket but she needs to learn resilience.

She can find a therapist through BACP.

Would she access therapy? If you can, suggest that all these negative thoughts about herself aren't reflecting the young woman you see, or the potential she has. You've tried to support her, but her thoughts and feelings need to be worked through with a professional. This doesn't mean you'll withdraw your support, but just that she needs help you aren't qualified to give.

Well, what she’s doing isn’t working for either of you so suggest that you agree that you’ll chat for 30 mins a day at an agreed time.

let her know the ringer will be off the rest of the time.

does it occur to you she’s bullying/manipulating you?

I would recommend therapy for your daughter if she's feeling so down on herself. She's an adult and I think it's ok for you to tell her how upsetting you find her messages and the worry it causes you. Tell her you love her and want to be able to support her but that you feel out of your depth and think it would do her good to talk to someone professional who can help her.

I think it’s fair enough that you have given all that you have to give. It really very hard to support your mentally unwell child who is now an adult, you’ve probably been doing it for years and years and sometimes you’re just too close to either see the situation clearly and/or give the appropriate level of challenge. Agree with pps that she sounds like she needs professional support. All the best with sorting things out

I have this (to a lesser extent) with my elderly mum who’s told me at least once a day for the past 3 1/2 years she wants to die and lots of other stuff. It’s not always bad, but I think it’s had a big effect on me - not least because I don’t think she realises what an effect it has and how wearing it can be. I suspect it’s the same with your daughter, so maybe it’s time to encourage her to get proper help and stop leaning on you as much as she is.

Thank you for all your advice. I know there is a problem and she has had some help but it never seems to work. When she is actually with me she is fine it is as soon as she is back at work etc . I will try and not respond to texts immediately even though she gets angry if I do not. On a larger issue… do we as mature parents have a right to a life especially after bereavement?

Sounds like she's quite the bully. That would make me dig my heels in. She's an adult and can deal with her own problems. Of course you deserve a life. Stand up for yourself.

And in response to the question about ebbing away I suppose I feel exhausted by it and the contrast to this amazing chance I have been given for another love is so difficult

@Silverstriver I'm 55. I lost my dh at 49 very tragically. I met my now dp at 51. I'm very happy.

Very gently I would ask you why on earth you are asking if you have a right to a life. You say that your dd gets on fine with your partner. You like your partner, you have a good life with them. What's the problem?

I actually wonder if you both have a bit of a similar problem accepting yourselves and your own choices. If your dd were a few years younger I would ha e suggested family therapy, and it could still be an option, but definitely think about therapy for you. Proper longterm therapy.

If I understand well the basic issue is that she is needy? Therapy can help her develop more inner resources

I suggest you frame this as ‘letting her live a happier life’ rather than being draining

Of course you have a right to be happy again, it just sounds like she leans on you a lot and is anxious and unhappy; this is a problem that CAN the solved

Yes that is what I feel but need reassuring . I sense she might resent my happiness. She has been doing this a long time and I sort of kept it from my late DH. But I know he was worried about the impact on me after he was gone . I have supported her financially and emotionally for so long hoping things will change . But I will pay for more therapy . She has told me that I am not like other mothers but even though I am self critical I have always been there for her and loved her but that view really hurts me and saddens me.

Why are you supporting her financially? She’s been an adult for 12+ years. She needs to make her own way. Spend your money on therapy for yourself to establish some boundaries for an adult to adult relationship with her and to explore why you don’t feel you deserve this second chance at happiness.

I agree with a PP that you need to set some boundaries that are fair on you and compassionate to her, by saying you love her and think she needs proper, professional help, as these frequent chats don't seem to be improving the situation. Maybe offer to help her look for a therapist.
And learn how to deflect some calls, by saying, 'I can't talk now as I promised DS I'd help with his homework/I'm watching his rugby match etc.' Gently remind her you have other calls on your time. I went through a rocky patch with DS 1 as he felt a bit invisible because DS2's endless SEN and anxiety and physical disability issues took all my energy and emotional heads pace. I had to work very hard to reassure him he was as loved and valued. Try not to let that happen.
And your needs are important too. Switch off your phone for a few hours each day while you go gor a walk or go to yoga or watch a film with your new man.

If you don't make changes to the dynamic for yourself OP, make them for your other child. It is so so hard to see the space for you shrink because a sibling or other family member takes up all the metaphorical space. We have a family member in our extended family who is largely known as 'poor X' and every conversation at gatherings seems to begin and end with agonising over her troubles, what's to be done etc. Do everyone in the family a favour - almost certainly including your daughter - and place her at the same level and with the same level of attention as her sibling and appropriate to her age. You ALL lost a husband and father, she is an adult and at this stage, it should be a mutually supportive relationship, not one akin to thar between a child or young teenager and its parents. It is ridiculous that you would compromise your future happiness at the alter of your daughter or that you would even ask whether you have a right to a life. You need to do serious work on yourself to establish boundaries self esteem and a proper perspective on this situation

Hoenstly? You kind of sound like birds of a feather. You’ve a lovely new fella, a son who seems fine but your daughter’s texts have you ‘ebbing away’. Which is kind of as dramatic as your daughter constantly saying she is ugly and being down about life. You’re both focussing on the things that detract from your enjoyment of life.

Does feeling low run in your family and have you, yourself ever sought any help for how you feel? Even just talking it out might help to get some perspective and support your daughter with a clearer head, while allowing you to feel some enjoyment in your situation.

I think there is a subconscious belief that we are responsible for our children's happiness. It is the old idea that mothers are only as happy as their least happy child. One of my adult children has always struggled with their mental health. They are very very dependant on me to offload everyday. I listen and bolster and advise and encourage.
I do so much for my children. Since I retired from full time work in my mid sixties I have done four days a week childcare. Both of them have used our savings for house deposits and house improvements and holidays. I am always there cheerful and uncomplaining. I cannot remember the last time either of them asked after the health of their father and I. We are the drudges who babysit, dog sit and will hopefully die leaving them a solid inheritance.?We are mid seventies.
I am aware that neither could be bothered to organise a funeral when we die. They will cremate us but have never bothered to know the names of friends. They don't bother with their extended family and show no interest in my feeble attempts to update them on family news.
I am nobody, nothing and completely taken for granted. I don't know how many times I have cancelled events with friends and family because I am needed for last minute babysitting or to look after the dog.
I know that if I made the slightest fuss they would ignore me. I cannot remember the last time in twenty years that either phoned me for a chat. When I hear it is always to book me me for babysitting. I do see them regularly because I still do so much regular childcare. I collect walk and return the dog.
Neither ever says they love me. One never bothers with presents or cards. I like their wives very much but they take their cues from their partners and relise that they don't have to adopt normal codes of politeness. We are house elves.
I love my grandchildren completely and ultimately I suppose that is why I put up atrocious behaviour, neediness and lack of care and thought. Sometimes, OP I see posts like yours and think perhaps I deserve to be treated well and to be happy. It will never happen.
I was part of a large family. I was never cherished or loved as a child. I was so determined to make sure my kids believed themselves to be the centre of our world. But at what cost?
It's my fault. I was a full time teacher throughout my working life. I was always the one who volunteered to organise trips and help out with extra curricular activities. I look back and hate myself for allowing everyone to take advantage of me.
Do not be like me OP. Enjoy your life. Limit how much of yourself to give. Don't be the scapegoat for your daughter's unhappiness.
Good luck with helping her to become independent. You sound like a lovely person.

I think that @Tumbler2121’s idea of suggesting a daily phone call at a time that’s convenient to you both, would ease the pressure on you. As others have said, your DD is in her 30’s and she really needs to take responsibility for her own mental health through professional help, rather than constantly leaning on you. You’re not a mental health professional and you can’t make her better- her constant texts aren’t a solution to anything.

Of course you have a right to happiness with a new partner. My Mum died when I was in my 20’s and I was delighted for my Dad when he met my lovely SM a few years later. I’m sorry that your DD is struggling, but you need to take care of yourself as well. 💐

This is actually heartbreaking to read and I identify with so much of it. Please please step away and make the most of the rest of your life. You are being taken for granted and almost abused. If you don’t step up and say you’re tired of being overlooked and taken for granted, they won’t know how you feel. One of mine only ever sends a card, never a present. Xmas presents are the cheapest thing they can find. Yet I spend hours every week propping them up on the phone. It hurts.

We are considering moving across the country to be closer to grandchildren, and I can see exactly this scenario developing.

OP, gently try to detach. Turn your phone off in the evenings. Don’t always answer calls . Tell your daughter you can’t speak as you’re at a class/ having coffee with a friend/about to go on a bike ride. Get the message across that you aren’t there on tap as a free therapist. Prioritise your new relationship and put in boundaries. You’ve done your time as a parent always putting your daughter before everyone else. Make sure your son gets lots of attention and help and encourage your daughter to find a therapist as others say. Don’t waste your time and expend your energy on your daughters needs any longer. She needs to learn to function as an adult now.

I am sorry to say it but her behaviour is weak, self-indulgent and, for a woman in her thirties, she needs to be far more self-reliant.

I say that from the perspective of someone who lost a parent in my mid-late twenties and who had to hold down a demanding job (with significant responsibility for the welfare of others) immediately afterwards. I had a very difficult time and sometimes my grief would rise to the surface, but largely I just had to get through it. A few years later I had counselling, which was very helpful.

I certainly wasn’t splurging on someone else ten times a day because a) who would have time for it and b) the technology didn’t exist. I was already married, which was a huge support, but even my DH wouldn’t have wanted to hear from me constantly about how I was feeling!

My strongest piece of advice to you is to de-install WhatsApp. Explain to your son and partner what you are doing and why. The chat-based messaging technology is far too immediate, easy to use and intrusive on the recipient. Make her contact you via text, email or another messaging app.

Every time she sends you a message that is just self-pity, send back a sympathetic but slightly formulaic response:

‘I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. I am sure that things are better than they seem. Can you book a session with a counsellor?’

Leave far longer gaps between messages - turn off any notifications - and only respond to genuine communication.

You need to break this pattern, for both your sakes.

I cannot understand how you have allowed yourselves to be abused in this way . The answer is no , can you babysit , sorry no we have plans that evening . Can you look after the dog for me , sorry no I'm just off to meet Sally for coffee . They will soon get the message that you aren't at their beck n call.
No over analysing / over thinking this . Strip it back . It's very simple . You have a life aswell . If you are free to babysit etc you will if you have other plans you can't . These are adult children who need to get themselves sorted no doubt as you and your husband did . What happens when the grandchildren are older , don't visit, partners die , you will be totally isolated by a family who used not included you . Change now .

OP, you need counselling. Your DD needs counselling too but it’s her responsibility to get it, considering her age.

My DD (20) is always messaging me or calling me and although not as negative as yours, I get bombarded about every single problem or inconvenience in her day and worse, I completely allowed her mood to dictate my mood. My ex also died so I don’t know if only having one parent contributes to this anxiety, maybe. That’s where counselling will help, you need to learn to not let your mood be dependent on others.

My brother (38) calls my mother multiple times a day, often for hours on end since his separation. It’s like she became his sounding board/punching bag. My mother is absolutely exhausted and worn down but keeps allowing this. What your DD is doing is very similar.

You need to learn to extricate yourself from this, OP.

OP, I'm so glad you have found happiness after losing your husband. Of course you deserve to be happy and have a life now.

I have to admit I am slightly surprised by the responses to your daughter's situation. It definitely doesn't sound ok for you but it sounds like she is really struggling and I am surprised that people find it so odd for a (presumably single?) person to reach out to their mother for emotional support?
There is a loneliness epidemic and being a woman in your 30s, you can be surrounded by the fact that your peers are all married and having babies, which if you aren't, is very isolating. Of course, your daughter may not relate to this but it's something I'm aware of within my circle.

I agree with PP, it might be helpful for you to have your own therapy to help you understand the relationship and also develop your own boundaries.

I wonder if your daughter might benefit from more rigorous therapy than she may have had, perhaps something like DBT which is often very effective for highly troubled/emotional women (sometimes used for people with EUPD).

I do agree about the epidemic of loneliness. It is very hard for young women not in a relationship when all their friends are, particularly if living alone and a long way from family. It’s hard for young men too! Friends have a limited tolerance and their own problems. I can understand why you are supporting your daughter OP, but not to the detriment of your own health and happiness.