What to do about this situation which is destroying my life

[Silverstriver]

My DD is in her early thirties. Life has been tricky. She is very academic although a bumpy ride at first prestigious university though she went on to do very well elsewhere and has postgrad etc. Her dad died after a long illness although the end was sudden . I think she believes that her troubles accelerated his decline . She finds it hard to settle at anything and has low self esteem although she is actually v busy and I think beautiful. But she texts me all the time .. sometimes 10 times a day and often about how ugly she is.., how she cannot find the right job etc. sometimes it is just chat but often that is an opener. I am just worn down by it and feel it is slowly destroying me as I feel that despite a v happy childhood something has gone wrong . My late DH is not here to reassure me etc. I have amazingly … 5 years later met another man who is wonderful and indeed she gets on with him very well. But I feel that I am slowly ebbing away and cannot enjoy this amazing last chance at joy. I support her so much but nothing is enough. Also have another DS who is fine but I know he resents how much times is taken up by his sister Maybe there is nothing I can do?

@Hitherzither am so sorry your children treat you like that 😔

You are not responsible for her happiness. She's fast approaching middle age but she's very much controlling your life and still acting like a child. I'd certainly pull back and really she needs to pay for her own counselling, otherwise it's going to affect her attitude towards it. The responsibility is hers. You are entitled to some happiness, you have supported her for so long, perhaps you have done too much? Expect kickback but it's time she sailed her own boat.

This is very good advice . Also to us all who have let this happen to us. It happens incidentally so builds over time so I can understand why to others that might look like lack of backbone . I will move forward and remind myself I have a right to be happy. My DS is so different and thoughtful. For example always remembers birthdays and Mother’s Day whilst my DD hardly ever. She is also jealous of his ability to have a happy life . A lot to work on but worth it

Jesus hither that is a tough read. Dh and I do a lot for ours but make it bloody clear to our teens we matter too. We get cards of thanks and appreciation from them. And good thoughtful presents. Sadly it’s human nature that if you give people will take. Even “nice”
ones.

It’s not clear from your posts how much time, money, emotional energy you have recently spent on your DD, eg you mention multiple, negative texts, but that could be 10 mins or so.

If you’re putting in time, energy, money that you think / feel is too much, try changing it.

It’s not OK for your DD to have a go at you when you don’t immediately respond to messages: as PPs suggest would set some boundaries around that.

Would stay well out of the issues between your DC and avoid comparing them.

I agree @lamplighterzzz that reaching out to a parent for empathy or emotional support is entirely natural and understandable. But, apart from times of crisis, it should be done in a considerate fashion and with an understanding that the other person has their own life, with all its ups and downs.

But it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. What the OP is describing is her DD inflicting every negative thought upon her mother in something like a stream of consciousness. That is more than most people can handle. Even paid MH professionals are not constantly on duty and are required to have regular supervision so that they can reflect and receive support.

The DD is being very selfish. I bet that the OP feels a sense of dread and negative anticipation every time her phone pings. She is not the custodian of another adult’s thoughts.

There are all sorts of other routes to self help:

Counselling
Group therapy
Journalling
Books
Online forums
Religion and prayer
Philosophy

As I said earlier, a far greater degree of self-reliance is required.

Your relationship sounds nice but is not your ‘last chance’ nor will it all be ‘pure joy’. That’s hyperbole.

Have you told your boyfriend about your challenges with DD? Perhaps he could listen.

Agree with others that it is possible you and DD share some personality traits. Perhaps a tendency to dramatise? You might both benefit from psychotherapy. At the very least have an honest conversation with her about how much ongoing support you are able to provide and the boundaries around that.

No not really . He thinks she is great if a bit fey. He would certainly be supportive . Yes correct Hyperbole it is and sounds a bit like DD. It has been going on for years but felt it was difficult to be tough after bereavement. Just now an in my sixties and in all others respects have a wonderful life the contrast is jarring . She has little income so would have to pay for counselling

Why not suggest as PP have mentioned that she seems to need more help than you are qualified to provide. Perhaps say that you will be able to contribute something to the cost of professional help. It really should not be on you to fund the whole thing.

Pressed post too soon. If she is resentful that despite a degree and a job she is still struggling well that’s not on you. Current cost of living almost everyone is struggling.

Excellent and very kind advice.

Talking therapies can be expensive and access on the NHS is poor, but how much money have you already spent on your DD’s health or other costs? Can you afford it?

Hi OP
I think I understand. Your daughter has not really moved on from the mummy- child dynamic of reporting everything that has happened, making it to be such a drama and expecting you to sort it. It was hard enough when it was playground spats but at least they were solvable. As adults what tends to wear us down is just life.
It sounds like if your daughter is not actively happy she thinks there is something wrong that you should be able to fix.
As said above I would try and lessen the expectation of instant response and that you will drop everything to be there. If she calls just say sorry, I'm a bit busy, can you call back after 4.00 or whatever and then don't pick up until then. If she is on the phone for more than 30 minutes tell her you have to go.
She probably would benefit from someone to talk to so I would maybe suggest she contacts her GP to explain how she is feeling.
It is really hard when your child is unhappy but we have to try to accept that there comes a point where they are responsible for their own happiness and try as we might, we can't make it better.
I also think that, once you put boundaries in place, you will be in a better place to support her.

You do absolutely have a right to a life, and a happy one!

You need to meet with your daughter abd tell her how much her constant texting is negatively affecting you and that you have decided that you will only be available to talk/text between x and x, ask her not to text you at other times - stick to the plan!

OP why doesn't your DD have much money? Does she live and work independently? This sounds to me like failure to launch, into the adult world. She (and you) sound stuck in a much younger time in her life where you were the person she ran to with all her insecurities. There is a fine ine between supporting and enabling this regressive behaviour. Sometimes they actually need a push into the world. How else will she learn to cope with it and that she is a capable adult? I think therapy for you is a great idea. If she's open to more therapy, great. She should find it and fund it herself. I think you need to learn the NO word.

It sounds like you're her one and only sounding off board. You don't mention anywhere about a partner, friends etc. Does she not have these? Usually by that age even though lots of people are still close to their parents and might tell them their worries, there are other people just as important in their life to offload too. No wonder you're struggling. I would absolutely step back, she needs to cut the apron strings a little tbh. You should be putting yourself first now. By all means be there for her for anything major, but let her learn to deal with the rest.

Is she working. financially independent overall, has her own housing etc, or is this a serious ‘failure to launch’ problem?

I know a woman who sounds like this - it might be time to accept that she is not very pleasant to people including you (messaging 10 times a day but forgetting Mother’s Day? Come on) and some of her problems might be best solved by her making more effort. Sorry to be blunt.

You are all right … she is not financially secure… arts related. But has a long term boyfriend who she always says she is splitting up but never does . Academically brilliant but looking back we and prob more late DH was over protected. I have taken action. What wise women we are collectively !

She’s not secure financially or in her preferred field of work &…….she largely muddled & still muddles through & lives somewhere other than your home, or have you have given her quite a lot of money and housing?

If the latter, that’s not ideal given her age etc. Especially if you haven’t provided similar money to DC2 or set it aside for him in the future.

Her inability to be happy into her 30s is something that she needs to work on herself, no one can fix that for her, unfortunately.

Regarding her work area… I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the reality is that arts doesn’t provide an income for everyone. Maybe she needs to find a better paying job and then pursue arts in her spare time. Early 30s is far too late to still be supported by mummy so that she can do what she wants.

I say this as someone who wanted to pursue arts, by the way. I’m not dissing on artistic fields, they’re incredibly hard to break into.

She's thirty and you can't fix her problems or be responsible for her happiness like you were when she was a child.

She's texting you and dumping all of her complaints about her life on you because nobody else would stand for it.

You've had a child, you've raised her and now she's thirty. She doesn't own you.

It's about feeling you have control in your own life, which you have a right to have. Setting boundaries that work for you is the answer. If you think it would help, a therapist could help you work out what these are.

Being held hostage by endless calls sounds awful - maybe they need to be agreed in advance at a time suitable for you and with a time limit - state remind at the beginning that you only have x time.

I agree that reaching out to a parent for empathy or emotional support is entirely natural and understandable. But, apart from times of crisis, it should be done in a considerate fashion and with an understanding that the other person has their own life, with all its ups and downs.

You put it perfectly @BadSkiingMum . It’s important for adult children to recognize that their parents are people too with feelings and worries of their own and we need to think about the effect of our actions/words on them. The OP’s DD should know this by her 30’s.

My Dad is a worrier and I’m careful not to share many problems with him, because he gets stressed and it’s not fair. The OP’s DD needs to have more consideration for her Mum…I bet she wouldn’t like it if someone texted her multiple times a day with all their worries.